Chapter Nineteen
Baldwin paced the parlor in long strides, only hesitating when he pivoted back to walk the opposite way. All the while, his brain turned. It had been less than twenty-four hours since his brutal conversation with Matthew, but those hours had seemed like an eternity.
That feeling was made worse by the fact that Helena had not come down for supper the night before, nor for games afterward. Her uncle had looked very smug when he claimed she had a headache. Baldwin’s only comfort was that the servants who had taken a tray up to her had told him that she was well, not hurt. Just…hiding. Or imprisoned, like a princess in a tower.
Instead of riding to her rescue, Baldwin had spent a long night in his study. He’d gone over every ledger, every contingency, weighing each option as he tied himself in knots. He’d not come to a decision until he’d entered his chamber and felt a crushing disappointment that Helena hadn’t been there waiting for him again.
And so…here he was. With one thing left to do before he took the future in front of him with both hands. There would be consequences to that future.
His mother and Charlotte stepped into the parlor, with Ewan behind them. The two women were laughing and Ewan’s grin was wide. Baldwin took a moment to examine their happy faces. These were people he loved. He’d done so much to hurt them. He’d done so much to try to ensure he would never hurt them again.
Now he was going to hurt them all with the truth. And pray they could forgive him.
“Oh, Baldwin,” Charlotte said, her smile falling as she looked at him. “Oh, dearest, what is it?”
As his sister rushed across the room to hug him, Ewan closed the door, his gaze narrowing, his expressive face filled with support and love. Their mother stared at him, too, the color gone from her cheeks. She was the only one who had even an inkling of their troubles.
She was about to have more. He hoped she wouldn’t be crushed under the weight of it like he’d been all this time.
“I’m fine,” Baldwin said softly as he squeezed Charlotte’s hands in an attempt to reassure her. “Thank you all for coming to join me so early in the day.”
“What is it?” his mother asked, her voice shaking. “Something has happened?”
He held her stare, and in it he saw all her fear, all her strength. “Mama, it’s time they know the truth.”
The duchess buckled slightly and Ewan rushed forward to catch her elbow. Gently, he guided her to a settee and helped her take her place.
“Must you?” she whispered when she’d gathered herself. “Oh, Baldwin, must you?”
Charlotte stared back and forth between her mother and brother. Her sharp gaze was confused and anxious. “What is going on? What is the truth?”
Baldwin took her hand and took her to sit beside their mother. Ewan stood behind then, resting a hand on Charlotte’s shoulder. She reached up to cover it, and Baldwin found himself staring at the couple for a moment. This was love. This was support. This was everything.
“You’ve asked me numerous times in the past few years about my change in…mood,” he began. “Both you and Ewan have been concerned.”
The pair nodded together.
“Baldwin,” his mother whispered.
“It’s all right, Mama,” he reassured her. “They have a right to know and—and so do you, for you have been kept in the dark, as well.”
She tilted her head. “There’s more?”
Charlotte pursed her lips. “Will someone please explain what’s going on?”
Baldwin drew a deep breath. There was truly no way to do this except for quickly and efficiently. “The Sheffield entail is nearly devoid of all funds. There is almost nothing but the land.”
As their mother put her head in her hands with a soft sob, Charlotte stared at him, mouth dropped open. Ewan came around to stand beside the settee. He made a few hand signs and Charlotte forced herself to look at him.
“He—he’s asking you to clarify. There is nothing left?” She shook her head. “How is that possible, Baldwin? Did something happen? We never wanted for anything.”
Baldwin nodded slowly. “I know. Father kept his secrets very well. Mama and I knew nothing of the situation until I inherited and the ledgers were revealed. He was constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul. He had debts all over the countryside.”
“How?” Charlotte whispered.
Baldwin flinched at the pained tone to her voice. He was crushing her illusions about her father. A man she had adored. He knew how she felt. He’d experienced the same thing.
“He had a compulsion,” Baldwin said softly. “To gamble. I saw it firsthand, though I didn’t know the consequences until it was far too late.”
“That is why you’ve been so dark, so dour, since you inherited,’” Charlotte translated as Ewan signed. “Why didn’t you talk to us? To your family or your friends?”
Baldwin bent his head. “Because I made it worse and I didn’t want you to judge me.”
His mother lifted her gaze and held his. “What?”
His cheeks grew heated. These were the parts she had never known. The parts he’d kept from her to protect himself. Now he forced himself to explain about his own bad choices. How he’d dug them in even further.
“I am humiliated,” he said when it was all out and the room had been silent for too long as his family digested his confession. “I didn’t want you to know.”
Charlotte had been staring at him as he spoke, but now she stood slowly. He watched, wary, as she moved toward him. Then she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him just as tightly as she ever had. Her voice trembled as she whispered, “How horrible that you felt you had to carry this burden alone. Oh, Baldwin, I’m so sorry.”
He drew back. “You’re sorry? I’m the one who has disillusioned you about our father and destroyed our family name.”
She shook her head. “I am disillusioned, of course. But that isn’t your doing—it’s his. He had many good qualities. Right now I am stunned, but this news doesn’t change how kind he could be. How supportive. How loving.”
Baldwin’s brow wrinkled. He’d been dealing with the fallout of his father’s bad behavior for so long that he hadn’t been able to recall those things that Charlotte said. Now they flooded back. His father teaching him to ride. His father praising him for successes and comforting him in his failures.
He swayed a little as those loving feelings returned. His sister’s gift to him.
“There’s more, I’m afraid,” he croaked out as he motioned Charlotte back to her seat.
His mother moaned anew. “Oh no.”
He nodded. “I’m sorry. There were three outstanding debts that I could not trace the source of. While we’ve been here, my solicitor has sent word that they’ve been bought by one private party.”
Ewan shook his head and signed as Charlotte translated, “Bought? Someone bought all three debts? Why?”
“I have no idea,” Baldwin said, holding Ewan’s stare and watching his friend’s face twist in horror at the possibilities.
“There can be no good reason,” Charlotte whispered.
Ewan signed, “How much?”
Baldwin shot his mother a side glance before he said, “Five thousand pounds.”
The duchess leapt to her feet, covering her mouth with both hands. Charlotte simply stared at him, and Ewan looked sick.
Baldwin let them process the terrible news for a moment, then drew a deep breath. “There’s a reason I’m telling you all of this at last, when I’ve kept it a secret for so long. And it is this…I’m in love with Helena Monroe.”
His mother lowered her hands slowly. “Oh, Baldwin.”
“Mama and I had created a list of suitable heiresses with large enough fortunes to help get us out of a portion of this mess father and I created, but…I love her. And she has nothing,” Baldwin said, and there was a huge weight that lifted from his shoulders when he got to say those words. The last secret was out. He was no longer alone in bearing it all.
Charlotte’s eyes had filled with tears and she reached for Ewan’s hand. “Baldwin…oh, this should be such happy news. We adore Helena, and anyone can see the connection between you.”
“Loving her is the best thing I’ve ever done in my life,” he whispered. “If the circumstances were any different, I would offer for her without hesitation. But the circumstances are not different. So when I offer for her, it will cause farther-reaching consequences. I knew you had to understand them, to voice your objections. You have that right.”
“You’re offering for her,” his mother whispered.
He nodded immediately, for he felt no hesitation in the decision he had made. “I am. I must. A life lived without her is…unfathomable. I spent the night going over figures, reading over the ledgers, trying to find a way to make it work. It will require whittling down to almost nothing. The art will be sold, some of the furnishings in the other three houses. The London home will be where we stay almost all the time.” He shook his head. “I’ll tell her, of course, that it will be an austere life.”
“And what about these debts you spoke of,” Charlotte whispered. “Does it take into account if those are called back by this mysterious buyer?”
He hesitated. “That is the sticking point. I have no idea of the terms that will be laid out by this mysterious person. I can’t plan for them. So…no. If the debts are called in, then—then the worst may still happen.”
Ewan signed something. A few simple slashes of his fingers in the air, but Charlotte’s expression crumpled as she stared at him.
“I love you,” she whispered.
Ewan smiled down at her, his reply clear on his face. The words were not needed.
“He says he will pay the debt,” she said, rising to take his hand.
Baldwin’s lips parted. “It’s five thousand pounds. A small fortune.”
Ewan stared at him a moment, then reached into his pocket and withdrew a small silver notebook. He scribbled on it and handed it over.
“‘Luckily I have a large fortune,’” Baldwin read softly. “‘I insist.’”
He handed the notebook back and dropped his head. “I’ve become a charity case for my family and friends.”
Ewan caught his arm, and when Baldwin looked up, Ewan was shaking his head. He signed furiously as Charlotte translated. “Never! This is not charity. It is a gift, just as this family has been the greatest gift of my life.”
“Ewan,” the Duchess of Sheffield breathed. “That you would do this for my son…”
Ewan continued to sign without breaking his gaze from Baldwin. Charlotte’s voice was thick as she translated, “My brother.”
Baldwin nodded. Oh yes, Ewan had been his brother long before his marriage to Charlotte. And now he offered the lifeline in this storm. Would it be easy? No. Never. But now he had a chance at survival.
“I accept your generous offer. If the worst happens, I will do everything in my power to repay it, though I know there is no way I can truly offer recompense for your kindness, nor the wonderful life you’ve given my sister,” Baldwin said as he reached out to embrace Ewan. “You don’t know how much it means.”
When they parted, he turned back to find his sister and mother standing together, their arms around each other. Both had eyes sparkling with tears. He could see Charlotte’s approval in what he was about to do. It really came down to their mother.
“Mama,” he said softly, coming forward to take her hands as Charlotte stepped away. “In the end, this is your name as well as mine that will be on the line. I cannot promise that Father’s sins will not still come out. That there won’t be a scandal.”
She stared at him a long moment, then over to Charlotte and Ewan. “I have only ever wanted your happiness, my two loves. I can see that if I denied you the chance to marry Helena, I would watch you live a life of misery. That would be far worse a consequence, I think, than having my friends whisper that my husband was a debtor. Half of their husbands are no better. If this is what you need to be happy, I will support it with a full heart and at full voice to anyone who questions it.”
Relief washed through Baldwin, and he lifted both her hands up and kissed each one in turn. “Thank you, Mama.”
“It sounds like you have someone to go talk to,” Charlotte said, her laughter filling the room like music. “Go do it quickly. I would love to celebrate with our friends before this country party ends.”
Baldwin looked at them, his family, his everything. He’d spent years trying to protect them, trying to protect himself. Fearing the worst-case scenario that they would blame or reject him for the things he’d done.
Now that seemed like such an empty fear, because of course they would love and accept him. He’d been so wrong to expect anything less of them.
“Thank you,” he said. “And yes, I think it’s time to see if any of this matters and talk to Helena.”
Ewan waved him out of the room while his mother and sister beamed after him. And as he strode down the hall toward his study to gather himself and plan what he would say to the love of his life, for the first time in years he felt happy. He felt free.
He could only hope that what he offered would be enough for Helena. Because what mattered in that moment was giving her everything he could, and praying that she would take it, and him. Flaws and all.