Jeffrey

I WAS SCARED SHITLESS.

But instead of counting all the ways I might die or permanently maim myself, I focused on the cheery people, the clear mountain air, and all the beautiful Christmas decorations. From my shuttle stop to the next I counted four snowmen, three with carrot noses and one with an icicle nose that looked like a beheading gone wrong, seven Christmas trees lit up with gold and red garland, one couple dressed as his and her elves, and another dressed as Mr. and Mrs. Claus.

When we arrived at the last stop, I honestly didn’t think we could fit any more people on the bus. But the doors opened and before I could tell how everyone managed to shoehorn in, I saw her. My heart stopped as she got on the bus, talking idly to a woman in a neon pink ski suit and not noticing me in the least.

But I noticed her.

Every bit of her. Her golden hair swept to the side, rosy, windblown cheeks and the curves in that suit, good god I could trace the swells of her body for hours.

I pulled my eyes away, boring a hole in my lap when I realized what was happening. My heart thudded in my chest and my throat turned to sand as all the anxiety about throwing myself down a mountain drained away. Nerves about skiing were nothing compared to the sick churning in my stomach over feeling something I’d only ever felt for one other person, something I hadn’t felt in years.

I knew this day would come. I knew I’d eventually find other women attractive again. But I thought it would be a slow climb. I thought I’d dip a toe in and decide when and if I wanted to go further. I did not expect it to crash down on me all at once.

I wasn’t ready for this. The knot in my stomach grew as I thought about all the ways I was dishonoring my late wife. I needed to get out of there but I was stuck, wedged between two ski instructors until we reached the lift. I breathed, I looked at the snow, and I did my best not to look crazy by putting a smile on my face.

I shot a look back at the woman in cream and white to see if maybe it was a fluke, if maybe my mind hadn’t conjured images of stripping the snowsuit off of her, of burying my face between her smooth, creamy breasts, of taking my time getting to know each line and arch of her flesh, of fucking her until she screamed my name.

Shouldn’t have done that.

Should not have looked back. It was not a fluke and now I knew how uncomfortable a rock hard cock was in rented, ill-fitting snow pants.

I breathed. I looked at the snow. I tried not to look crazy.

This was not what I bargained for.

I’d made a third promise to my wife. After promising to keep traveling and keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone, she made me promise to find someone new.

“Never,” I said even before the words left her lips.

“You will,” she said, voice fragile but sure. “You will. You won’t feel ready but that won’t stop you from knowing when it’s time to let someone in again. Promise me you’ll listen. Promise me you’ll keep your heart open for someone new.”

I would have told her anything, promised anything. And I did. I made that promise to Nat fully expecting never to feel anything for another woman. I’d had my great love and it was her. I wasn’t selfish enough to assume I’d ever find it again. But I promised all the same and even if it wasn’t the promise I thought I was making, I’d still keep it. I had to, it was Nat.

Fortunately, getting from the last stop to the lift gave me enough time to get my head on straight. I took a breath and did something I hadn’t done in years.

You were right. You’d said I’d know I and do. But I’m not pushing it. Whatever happens, happens, that’s it. Deal?

In the very early days of losing Nat, I’d talk to her. It helped. I hadn’t done it for the longest time but this seemed appropriate, like something she’d want to know.

And that was that. The rock in my stomach dissolved as I made the choice not to do anything. I wouldn’t pursue the woman in cream. I wouldn’t try to strike up a conversation. If we were supposed to happen, then we would. I washed my hands of it and instantly felt lighter.

Besides, it’s not like I was a ladies man. I was good-looking enough but I never had a big game. That wasn’t my style, so I didn’t have a bank of skills to fall back on to try to catch her attention. It wasn’t like I could just elbow my way back there and try to talk to her while her loud, pink friend judged me. Right?

Nope. Not happening.

It was also a good thing I decided to go with the flow and not approach her when I got off the shuttle because as soon as I did, I lost her in the crowd. Some people headed to the ski rental place and some went to the lifts and I was just trying to figure out which lift led to the slope least likely to kill me but in all the bustling, I lost track of her. If I had wanted to approach her, losing sight of her would have been very frustrating.

“They all go up the same slope,” said the smiling ski instructor from the bus as I did my best to read the map on the side of the shuttle station. “This is the bunny hill, and I’m about to teach a beginners lesson. Come on and ride with me. You look like you’re about to shit your pants.”

I was. But not because of anything he could help me with.

“Thanks,” I said a followed the blond guy with a snow tan to the lifts.

We didn’t chat much as we rode up the mountain, it got too windy for that. But as soon as we hopped off, which wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, he showed me and about ten others how to start, stop, and steer. The three S’s he called them.

It wasn’t that complicated, basic physics really. So, with an inflated sense of mastery I pushed off down the slope. It wasn’t so hard. I swung my hips to control the direction which in turn controlled my speed. I was doing pretty well. About halfway down I stopped thinking so hard and started to enjoy the ride, the wind whipping at my face, the clear blue of the sky from above the clouds. Then, to my left, I saw her. The woman in highlighter pink. If she was here so was...

I craned my neck trying to see behind me, seeing if she was with her friend. I couldn’t tell. I was going too fast to make out much of anything besides that horrendous...

“HEY! EYES FRONT! YOU’RE GOING TOO FAST! YOU’RE GONNA...”

I whipped my head back around just in time to see myself colliding into the woman in cream. We tumbled down the hill a few hundred feet, I instinctively held her close to keep her from tumbling away and creating two obstacles instead of one. When we finally stopped moving I’d lost both my skis, she’d lost her hat and I’d landed right on top of her, looking into her beautiful gray eyes.