I can’t believe I let him talk me into this…

Even though I felt like shit for having to be “talked into” it in the first place. I should have been thrilled to go see my new niece, especially considering that Devyn was my best friend before she became my sister.

Especially considering that she could’ve died.

But on the drive to their house, I’d admitted to myself what I couldn’t seem to disclose to anyone else.

It hurt.

It hurt like hell.

It had hurt to hear she was pregnant, it had hurt to be in the room when she gave birth, it had hurt that she got to actually take her baby home.

It was about to hurt to hold baby Josie in my arms, looking so much like…

Shit.

“Babe… come on.”

I cleared my throat, trying my best to look perky and excited, to hold on to this… front. Devyn knew I wasn’t okay. She’d called – not texted – so I could hear her voice when she assured me she wouldn’t take it personally if I couldn’t handle this. She loved me, and she understood.

But she needed my help.

And I needed to push through.

I stuck a peppermint in my mouth as I climbed out of the car, trying to quell my constant nausea. Already, it was getting harder to hide it, along with the fatigue. As uncomfortable as it was, at the same time, it sparked a little seed of hope that I was doing my best to keep buried, afraid to let it break ground and bloom.

I was eight weeks along.

The fatigue, the sore breasts, the nausea… they were good signs.

Good signs barely meant anything though.

Jay insisted on carrying both of our bags, even though he was just now really steady on his prosthetic again. Today, I wasn’t arguing about it – I was trying to keep my mouth closed, and the contents of my stomach down. And besides that… I was more interested in getting through this day without breaking down than arguing with my husband about something that didn’t even matter.

At the door, Jay put the bags down, but didn’t ring the bell.

“Aiight, Gangsta Boo,” he teased, turning to me. He wasn’t smiling, but his eyes were kind, and concerned. He grabbed my gloved hands with his, squeezing them between us. “I know you’re my tough girl, thug life and all that, but… we don’t have to do this. Pops and Imara could come, or Justin and Toni. Yeah, the bat signal went up for help, but we don’t have to be the ones to respond.”

I smiled. “I know. But we’re here. So let’s do it.”

Actually, we did have to be the ones to respond.

At least in my head.

Big Joe was busy with Christmas sales at the lot, and honestly relied on my mother’s help with the paperwork and customer service now. Justin and Toni were freshly married, and needed time to enjoy that. Devyn’s mother was working, and so was her brother, Eric. And Aviva, her sister-in-law, worked at the hospital already. As soon as we saw the message in our family text, that the hospital couldn’t handle the load of Devyn and Joseph being out, a month before they’d planned, I immediately knew that I – not even Jay, honestly – was the person who needed to respond.

I wasn’t doing anything.

I’d been there as much as I could when Jaden was born.

I needed to push my way through these ugly feelings so I could enjoy my niece. So I could enjoy my pregnancy without anxiety weighing me down. So I could make sure I could even handle a baby anymore.

And so I could make sure Jay could.

He caught me by the waist, pulling me in to kiss me. “I love you,” he murmured against my lips.

“I love you too.”

And then he rang the doorbell.

We were staying overnight, as the first shift, into Christmas Eve. Everyone was congregating at Big Joe and Imara’s after that, for Christmas day festivities, but we already had a schedule worked out from there, making sure Devyn had the support she needed while Joey was back and forth between the hospital and home. No, it wasn’t ideal, but we were making it work.

Devyn was the one to answer the door, in festive pajamas I knew were for Jaden’s sake – he was hanging on her leg, wearing a matching set.

“Josie is sleeping,” she told me, answering the question on my mind without me having to say it aloud. She locked the door behind us once we were inside, and after exchanging greetings, Jay took our bags to the guest room – with Jaden at his heels – while Devyn showed me to the nursery.

“Have you told him yet?” she asked me, as soon as Jay was out of earshot.

I shook my head. “Soon though. It’s hard to hide – if he wasn’t half-distracted by pain, and work, he’d probably have already figured it out. I just… I wanna see how he responds to her.”

Dev nodded, understanding. “Do you know how you’re going to respond to her?” she asked, and I sighed. I’d been there when she had her – I’d been in the delivery room, me and Joseph – but I hadn’t held her yet.

“I don’t. And I feel like a horrible friend for even… wondering.”

“Stop it,” Devyn insisted, grabbing my hand, meeting my eyes as she squeezed. “Reese… you went through a whole pregnancy. A pregnancy under my care, a baby I delivered… if I’d seen the heart defect on the ultrasound, maybe—”

“You couldn’t have,” I interrupted her, shaking my head. I’d never followed that line of thinking, and wasn’t about to do it now. “Every doctor we spoke to agreed with that. And even if we had seen it, there wasn’t anything… once she was born, it all happened too fast. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not anybody’s fault.”

With glossy eyes, Dev nodded. “I know. But I still feel guilty.”

On the other side of the door, Josie’s cries suddenly sounded, piercing me right in the chest. In the delivery room, I’d prayed, so hard, to hear that sound – beautiful music I hadn’t had the luxury of experiencing at my own birth. As much as it hurt my soul, it had been relieving.

Now, I smiled.

“Well… let’s be guilty together then, and take care of this sweet girl,” I told Devyn, motioning for her to open the door. We stepped in together, and I followed her to the crib. I fawned over the gorgeous painting, and then I fawned over her gorgeous baby.

And then finally, I held her.

I sat down on the loveseat with her tiny wiggly body in my arms, and stared. At first, she’d looked too much like what I’d lost to appreciate, but now I could clearly see Devyn’s nose and lips, Joseph’s eyes, all surrounded by lush black hair.

I didn’t even realize Devyn had stepped out until I felt the shift in energy of Jason’s arrival in the doorway. I looked up to find him staring at me, eyes full of wonder… and pain. Wordlessly, he made his way to me, sitting right beside me to wrap me in his arms. With his head resting on my shoulder, we both stared, until Josie drifted back to sleep.

I couldn’t make myself put her back in the crib though.

“I got you a puppy,” Jason said, out of nowhere. I looked at him, confused. “For Christmas,” he explained. “Justin is picking it up, to have at the house for Christmas day.”

I smiled. “Bri is going to be so jealous.”

“Yeah, Jus wasn’t happy about it.” Jay laughed. “But… I wanted to do something for you. Anything, for you. Something to get your energy back. Something to make you happy.”

I opened my mouth, wanting to tell the lie that I was happy. But it wasn’t entirely accurate. I loved Jay, I loved our family, loved my job, loved our home, there was so so much to be happy about, and I was, honestly.

But there was a hole.

“A puppy is really, really sweet,” I said, at the same time that he said, “But a puppy isn’t going to fix what’s missing for you.”

I shook my head. “No… and it won’t fix what’s missing for you either. You don’t have to act like I’m the only one who lost her, Jay. I know it hurts you too.”

He licked his lips, but didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to, but he couldn’t deny it either – not when he was still limping.

Two weeks before the fall semester, I’d had to go to the hospital. We hadn’t even known I was pregnant then – was barely pregnant, honestly - but I’d miscarried. Jay sat with me all night, slept in a chair beside the bed. And then, the next morning, while my mom and sisters were there with me, he’d gone for a run.

And kept running.

He hadn’t stopped until he fell, and hurt himself, and Joseph and Justin had driven fifteen miles out to go get him. He never told me, and I never asked, but I didn’t need to to understand why.

He was trying to run off the pain.

His eyes fell on Josie, staring for a long moment before he finally looked up, meeting my gaze. “I don’t want you to start the birth control again. I know that’s what we said, and if you still want that, I’ll respect it. But… I want to try again.”

I held his gaze, blinking back tears. “Really?”

We hadn’t been trying.

We hadn’t been not trying either, but after losing our baby girl, and then the miscarriage, we’d decided to give ourselves a mental break. At the start of the new year, I’d go back on birth control – remove the possibility so it would be off our minds. So we could have some peace.

“Yeah.” He leaned in, pressing a kiss to my temple. “I know it’s scary, baby. It’s… fucking terrifying. But… I want this for us, too. We’ll… have Joseph and Devyn do all the advanced ultrasounds and shit this time, and I’ll rub your feet when you’re feeling sick, and hell… I’ll teach some classes for you if I have to, to take as much stress off you as I can. I’ll do anything, Reese. But I do not want you to start the birth control next month.”

He was serious.

He was so, so serious it hurt.

“I won’t,” I promised. “I won’t.”

I closed my eyes as he kissed me again, his arm tight around my waist. It was right on the tip of my tongue to tell him we’d already started the process, but… what if when I woke up tomorrow, I wasn’t pregnant anymore?

Or the next day?

“Well look at this adorable shit.”

I opened my eyes to see Joseph in the nursery doorway with his phone out, and pointed in our direction.

“Come on, nigga,” Jay complained, lifting his head from my shoulder. “I was trying to have a moment with my wife, and here you go. What are you doing here anyway?”

Joseph grinned. “Lunch break. I came to peek in. Devyn and Jaden are napping.”

“Josie is too, Pussy Doctor,” I teased, since he was in what appeared to be fresh scrubs. As soon as I said that, her eyes popped open, and her face screwed up for a moment before a putrid smell started emanating from underneath her sweet little panda pajamas. “Well, was.”

Laughing, Joseph stepped into the room, showing me where everything was, but leaving the changing of the diaper to me. Once she was fresh again, Joseph took her for a few minutes, then left her with me again while he and Jay disappeared somewhere.

Which was fine.

Since… apparently I could handle this.

My heart was light all day, as Devyn took full advantage of Jay and me being there, even leaving the house to go have a cup of coffee, alone. By the time we put Jaden to bed, and then retired to the guest room – Dev had Josie in a cosleeper for overnights – I was happy and comfortable.

Mostly.

“Come here,” Jay grumbled, bare-chested and half asleep, when I came to bed after my shower. With no regard for his injured hip, he pulled me on top of him, quickly realizing I wasn’t wearing any panties underneath my nightgown. “Oh shit, you ready ready to make another baby, huh?” he teased, but I just smiled.

He’d left the lamp on for me, but it was turned down, offering just enough dim light for me to make out the tattoo over his heart.

A name and a date.

Anaya.

I leaned down, pressing my lips there, then up to his mouth. It was slow at first. Sweet. But then suddenly, it felt like an emergency, and I was pushing down his pajama pants and boxers and sinking onto him, riding him with abandon.

He sat up, catching my mouth again and then pulling my nightgown over my head, so we could be skin to skin. We took enough time to readjust, moving so that he was back up against the headboard, supported.

So I didn’t have to worry so much about hurting him.

Cause I probably would have hurt him.

I couldn’t have said what – besides pleasure – was spurring me on, but the usual tiredness and achy knees that I would power through never came. With Jay’s mouth on my neck, my collarbone, my mouth, my nipples, I rode on, and on and on, until we both came, in a burst of pleasure that made me dizzy. He was gripping my ass so tight it probably should have hurt, but I barely felt it – I was too blissed out for anything but ecstasy as he pumped into me, spreading more of his seeds.

My head dropped as the exhaustion finally hit me, and I buried my face in his neck until our breathing had slowed to normal. Still inside me, Jay looped his arms around my waist, holding me tight.

“I’m pregnant.”

The low rumble of Jay’s laugh made his chest vibrate. “Yeah, I put a lot in you, so probably so.”

“Ew,” I giggled, pulling my head back. “But… no… I don’t mean from today. I mean… I’m pregnant. I’ve been pregnant. For almost nine weeks now.”

I absorbed every part of the next few seconds.

The confusion in his eyes, the realization… the utter happiness before he finally spoke.

“What?” he asked. “You’re… you’re serious? You’re sure?”

I nodded, not even bothering to try to stop the tears that were suddenly dripping down my face. “Yeah. I found out the same day Dev’s water broke. After the urine test was positive, I had her do a blood test. All the numbers looked perfect.”

His hands came to my face. “Baby,” he said.

Just one, silly word that said… everything.

“Yeah,” I nodded again. “Baby.”