Sending it was a risk that I hoped didn’t backfire. It was an extremely personal gift, not only for her but for me.

“I can’t thank you enough for this. Words can never express how precious this is to me. I…love…” she hesitated.

My heart was racing. Was she going to say she loved the portrait…or me?

“I know. I know,” I said, not wanting her to say those words because they would completely undo me.

“What did I ever do to deserve this?” she asked.

“Just the fact that you would ask that question is the essence of why I…” Now, I was the one hesitating. Why I what? I finished my sentence. “Why I adore you.”

It felt like a safer word than love, less likely to do irreparable damage if things didn’t work out. And it was the damn truth. I adored her.

“I adore you, too,” she said. “Not only for this, but because you brought me back to life. Thank you.”

Long after we hung up, those bittersweet words wouldn’t stop repeating in my head all the way to Boston.

***

If the earlier part of the holiday break represented realizing the depth of my feelings for Nina, the second part marked the unraveling of my sexual control.

It was Saturday night, New Year’s Eve. As always, I’d spent the day with Ivy before heading home to Allison’s house.

My family’s New Year’s Eve tradition was to gorge on Chinese food. Every year, Cedric would come home with two large boxes, complaining about how long he had to wait for the takeout. The association between Chinese food and New Year’s Eve always baffled me, but it seemed like everyone in Boston had the same idea. This year was no different.

My nieces were begging to stay up until midnight, and per usual, my sister gave in. Cedric and I had just finished up a card game while my mother and Allison watched the Times Square festivities on television.

The fortune cookies left over from our dinner were strewn about on the table. One in particular seemed to be calling to me. I remembered what Nina told me during our Chinese karaoke date. Take the one facing you.

Cracking it open, I chuckled because the fortune spoke volumes about my feelings toward her: It’s easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.

Ain’t that the truth.

Even though you could have pretty much applied that message to anything, for me, it related to the intensity of the sexual frustration I was experiencing at the moment.

And the only woman I wanted was hundreds of miles away.

As I stared into the fire and fantasized about her, my phone buzzed with the words that set the tone for the rest of the night.

I wish you were here.

My mouth filled with moisture as my heart raced. I typed.

Jake: I was just thinking the same thing about you.

Nina: I’m supposed to be going out tonight, but I really don’t feel like it.

Jake: Why not?

Nina: For one, I’m going to be freezing my ass off.

Jake: That would not be a good thing. I’d really miss your ass.

Nina: LOL.

Jake: Where are you going?

Nina: Some friends from high school found out I was in town, contacted me on facebook and invited me to a party. I’m all dressed up, but I’m not sure I’m gonna go.

Jake: Show me what you look like.

Nina: Okay, hang on.

My pulse raced as I held the phone and waited while my dick rose to attention. Was I really so hard up that merely anticipating a picture of her had just given me an erection? I was just so desperate for a look at her again.

The situation in my pants was no better once the image popped up. Nina had taken a selfie in the mirror. She was wearing an emerald green fitted dress. It wasn’t low cut, but anything fitted looked indecent on her bountiful rack. Her hair was off her forehead, accentuating the light blue of her eyes that glowed in the bathroom lighting. Her expression reflected a shyness as if she were reluctant to take the picture.

I just kept staring at it. At her. I pressed down on the photo and saved it to my camera roll. My phone buzzed.

Nina: No comment?

Jake: I’m still looking at it.

Nina: Oh.

Jake: You look incredible.

Nina: Thank you.

Jake: I almost wish I didn’t ask to see it.

Nina: What are you doing tonight?

She changed the subject, causing me to wonder if I’d made her uncomfortable.

Jake: Staying in. My family pigged out on Chinese food earlier. I’ll stay up to watch the ball drop then go to bed sometime after.

Nina: You’re not going out? With anyone?

Jake: No.

Dread set in as I stared at her question again, realizing that she likely wasn’t just referring to tonight. What she probably wanted to know was whether there was another woman in my life. After all this time, I’d never made it crystal clear to her one way or the other. Of course, there was someone else but not in the way she might have wondered.

Nina: Does whatever you have to tell me involve someone else?

I was shitting a brick.

The Chinese food seemed like a really bad idea as nausea suddenly consumed me. Refusing to tell her about Ivy over the phone, I froze, not knowing how to address her question. That talk needed to be done delicately and in person so that I could look her in the eyes and assure her of my intentions.

I typed.

Jake: Not in the way you might think.

I closed my eyes, so disappointed in myself for letting this situation go on for as long as it had.

The phone vibrated.

Nina: Do you have a child?

My response was immediate.