Love and Lists

Sighing, I grab the survey and get up from my desk. “Ava, all you have to do is punch in the number of copies you want and then hit print. It’s not that hard.”

I don’t know why I even bother; she’s already on her cell phone, ignoring me.

“So, Ava, did you hear that our boy here sucked face with your sister Saturday night?” Tyler asks as she walks past him. She stops in her tracks and looks up from her cell phone.

“I may have heard something to that effect. What do you know?”

I watch as Tyler slides his feet off of my desk and leans closer to her. “I heard it was pretty hot. I was there, but I was otherwise occupied making fun of a man with a vagina. What did you hear?”

Ava shrugs and takes a step toward him. “I heard the same thing. I also heard that both parties were pretty into it and haven’t spoken of said event since it happened.”

Tyler nods and rubs his chin with his thumb and forefinger. “Interesting.”

What is going on right now? These two can’t be in the same room together without strangling each other, and now they’re talking about me like I’m not standing right here.

“I think we should go somewhere and discuss this privately,” Tyler informs her.

There is no way this can happen. I don’t want Tyler divulging any of my secrets to Charlotte’s sister. I’m sure I don’t have to worry though; Ava hates him.

“I think that can be arranged,” Ava replies.

Son of a bitch!

“Hello? I’m standing right here,” I remind them.

They both turn around to look at me and then go right back to their discussion.

“I need to see a chick about a telephone. I’ll meet you at Fosters in an hour,” Tyler tells her.

“No one is meeting anyone in an hour. Ava, you don’t get off of work until five.”

Ava sighs and looks over her shoulder at me. “Gavin, I need to leave work early today for a doctor’s appointment.”

“DENIED!” I shout.

“I’ll see you in an hour,” Ava tells Tyler before walking out the door.

“She’s a bitch, but she’s got potential,” Tyler muses as he stares at her ass while she leaves.

“You are not meeting up with her to tell her about the list,” I demand as I head out the door to make copies of the survey. Tyler jumps up from his seat and follows behind me.

“I won’t tell her about the list, vagina face. Give me a little credit here. She’s got the inside scoop on Charlotte. I can feel her out, or up, and find out if that kiss the other night moved you up a few notches on Charlotte’s love scale.”

Sticking the survey into the copier, I slam the lid down and angrily punch the buttons for copies. “You can’t even stand Ava. Why would you want to spend even a minute alone with her?”

Tyler shrugs and grabs the copies as they spit out of the machine. “I don’t have to like someone to use them for sex. Seriously, it’s like you’ve grown a vagina since the last time you banged a chick. How do you not know this information already?”

At this moment, I should probably threaten Tyler’s life and tell him that Ava is like a sister to me and if he hurts her I will dismember him. But really it’s Tyler I’m worried about. Ava is like a praying mantis on crack. She will not only chew off his head after she has sex with him, she will have sex with his headless body afterwards and then light it on fire.

I really don’t want Tyler and Ava alone together where potential secrets could be leaked, but maybe Tyler can use his evil powers for good and find out what Charlotte is thinking.

We walk to the end of the hall and enter a room with a row of chairs facing the double-sided glass, and I take a seat in the middle. Tyler walks right up to the glass and puts his face against it.

“Holy hell, look at all those hot girls. And to think, right before they came here they probably had a few orgasms. Is this what Heaven is like?”

I roll my eyes at Tyler and check my watch. It looks like all ten consumers are in the room; we just need to wait for Aunt Liz to get here to start the meeting.

A few minutes later while Tyler is busy licking the glass, the door flies open and Aunt Liz comes rushing in, out of breath and looking frazzled. “Do you have the surveys?”

I hand them to her and she takes a moment to flip through them and catch her breath. “There was a breakdown on one of the machines in the plant and I’ve been on the phone with them for the past three hours trying to get it fixed. Of course it’s the one producing The Telephone and everyone is freaking out.”

Tyler turns away from the glass and walks up to Aunt Liz. “You’re a busy woman. How about you go back to your office and relax. I’ll take care of this meeting.”

She looks up from the surveys and raises her eyebrow at him. “You know that none of those women in there are going to actually masturbate today, right?”

Tyler crosses his arms in front of him and glares at her. “Why is everyone lying to me today?! It’s like you WANT me to cry.”

Aunt Liz sighs and turns back to me. “Alright, I think I’ll head in there and see what’s what. A few of them emailed me questions that I need to answer. Mostly they just want to know why we made a toy shaped like a phone and called it The Telephone.”

“Why did you make a toy like that? It doesn’t exactly shout, ‘Hey, let’s have sex!’ unless it’s designed for people who call hookers. Or maybe sex phone operators. I knew those chicks weren’t faking it,” Tyler complains.