Love and Lists

“Actually, Gavin should know the story around The Telephone,” Aunt Liz says with a laugh.

I look at her in confusion and shake my head. “No, I don’t know any story. I just know my dad surprised Mom for their anniversary with the specs for the toy. Should I know the story?”

Aunt Liz crosses her arms in front of her and cocks her head to the side. “You seriously don’t remember telephone calls when you were little?”

Wracking my brain to try and remember what the hell she’s talking about, I have a faint memory of my parents constantly talking about making phone calls. I guess now that I think about it, they used to always put a movie on for me and tell me they had important phone calls to make. My mom was always really busy getting Seduction and Snacks up and running so I assumed she just had a lot of business calls to make.

“Oh my gosh, this is the best day ever,” Aunt Liz states happily. “So, yeah, when they said they were making phone calls they were really having sex.”

I can feel all of the coffee I drank this morning churning in my stomach. I know everyone’s parents have sex. I’m not stupid. But MY parents shouldn’t have sex. My parents should have only had sex to procreate, so twice. I’m going to vomit.

“Your dad really liked to make long distance phone calls. And pull his antennae out,” Aunt Liz adds.

Covering my mouth with my hand, I shake my head back and forth.

“I’m pretty sure they made a phone call in your room while you were sleeping. Maybe even on your bed when you were gone. I bet they even made phone calls in the front seat of the car while you were oblivious in the back. You know, some road calls under the steering wheel.”

Aunt Liz couldn’t care less that I’m about to curl up in the corner, rocking back and forth.

“Claire is so awesome. I need to see if she’ll add me to her friends and family plan,” Tyler says. “It could be worse, Gavin. You think imagining about your parents having sex is bad, try thinking about your mom masturbating. Now THAT’s disturbing.”

Vomit in my mouth. VOMIT IN MY FUCKING MOUTH!

“Wait, that’s not disturbing at all. Fuck, now I’m thinking about Claire flicking the bean.”

“Hooker, the group is waiting for you in there. What’s taking so long?” my mom asks as she steps into the room and closes the door behind her.

“Oh, nothing much. Tyler was just talking to your son about you masturbating, and I was telling Gavin about phone calls. I think he needs a minute.”

My mom looks at me with sympathy and mutters, “Oh dear. This could pose a problem.”

“When I was twelve, we went to Disney World and you wouldn’t let Sophie or me go in the jacuzzi tub in our room because you said dad’s phone broke in the tub when he was making a phone call. Tell me he was really using his cell phone in the tub!”

Mom bites her lip and then winces. “If by cell phone you mean penis, then yes.”

“OH MY GOD, MOM!”

She shrugs likes it’s no big deal. “The maid hadn’t stopped by yet. The jacuzzi was still contaminated.”

I shiver in revulsion as I imagine what exactly the tub would have been contaminated with.

“Claire, I need to talk to you about getting on your cell phone plan. I’m going to need a lot of extra minutes,” Tyler tells her with a wink.

“Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” Aunt Liz asks.

“No. But I’ll kiss Gavin’s mother with this mouth.”

Everyone needs to stop talking right now before my brain explodes all over this f**king room.

“Speaking of kissing, Charlotte kissed Gavin the other night,” Tyler adds.

“WHAT?!” Mom and Aunt Liz screech at the same time, whipping their heads in my direction.

“Oh my God, it’s happening, it’s really happening. We need to pick out a venue for the rehearsal dinner. Those things book fast,” Mom states, pulling out her cell phone and clicking on Google.

“Jesus, Mom, it was just a kiss. Stop googling restaurants.”

“Look up Stancato’s, I love their salads,” Aunt Liz says, standing behind my mom and looking over her shoulder.

“Fuck you, we’re not doing the rehearsal dinner at Stancato’s. Stop being such a whore for that place,” Mom complains.

“Hello! Will you two cut it out?” I shout.

“I’m going to punch you right in the vagina if you don’t pipe the f**k down,” Aunt Liz argues with my mom.

How did I lose control of this situation so quickly?

“Ladies, could I interest you in a pool of Jell-O while you hash this out?” Tyler pipes up.

Perfect. Just perfect. I find out my parents never actually made any important phone calls when I was growing up and locked me in my room just so they could bang, and now my mom and my aunt are back to planning a wedding between Charlotte and me when I don’t even know if she remembers that we kissed because she was so drunk.

This day can’t possibly get any worse.

Chapter 10 – Make her Feel Sorry for You

“Jesus, Dad, what the hell happened?” I ask in a panic as I rush into the hospital room to find him in a gown, hooked up to a bunch of machines.

Toward the end of the testing meeting, my mom got a frantic phone call from Uncle Drew letting us know that my dad was rushed to the emergency room because he thought he was having a heart attack. My mom immediately hightailed it out of there, leaving Aunt Liz and me to quickly wrap up the meeting.