Mini Shopaholic

‘Oh, Becky!’ Her voice rings out. ‘You’ve ruined the surprise! Graham, I told you to stay further back! They’ve seen us!’

‘Mum, listen to me.’ I know I sound jumpy but I can’t help it. ‘You’re not supposed to be coming with us. We said we’d tell you when we were ready for you to come and visit.’

‘Becky, love!’ Mum laughs. ‘This is your first house! The first property you’ve ever owned! We don’t mind what state it’s in!’

‘But—’

‘Darling, I know what you said. And to be honest, we were planning to let you have your privacy. But then we just couldn’t resist it! We couldn’t let you just slip off without helping you. I’ve brought some teacakes and Dad’s got his tools. We’ll help you get ship-shape in no time …’

My heart is thudding. There’s no way I can let them turn up at some crummy rented townhouse. Not after Dad’s speech.

‘We could even pop round and meet your new neighbours!’ Mum’s still talking cheerily. ‘They might turn out to be good friends to you, Becky. I mean, look at me and Janice, still friends after thirty years. I can remember the day we first moved in, and Janice came round with a bottle of sherry … Ooh, Dad says, can you remind him of the address in case we get separated?’

My mind works like a spring trap.

‘Mum, I can’t hear you … I’m losing you …’ I rub the phone against my bag to make a kerfuffly noise, then switch it off and look at Luke. ‘It’s OK. They don’t know the address.’ I turn urgently to Alf. ‘We need to lose them.’

‘Lose them?’

‘Yes! Like in cop films. Duck down a side alley or whatever.’

‘A side alley?’ He sounds startled. ‘What side alley?’

‘I don’t know! Find one. You know, like in car chases!’ Doesn’t he watch movies?

‘I think my wife wants you to drive very fast down a narrow one-way street the wrong way, knock over a barrow of fruit, send crowds of people screaming, roll the van 360 degrees, and manage to elude my parents-in-law that way,’ says Luke in a deadpan voice. ‘I’m assuming you are a stunt removal driver?’

‘Shut up.’ I hit him on the chest. ‘Do you realize the situation we’re in?’

‘If it were up to me we wouldn’t be in this situation,’ he says calmly. ‘Because we would have told your parents the truth in the first place.’

We pull up at a set of traffic lights. Mum and Dad pull up alongside and wave merrily, and I wave back with a sick grin.

‘OK,’ I instruct Alf. ‘When the lights change, you go!’

‘This is a lorry, duck, not a Ferrari.’

The lights change, and I start gesturing ‘Go, go!’ with my hands. Alf just shoots me a baleful look and puts the truck into gear unhurriedly.

Honestly. I feel like offering to drive myself.

‘Sorry folks. Fuel stop.’ Alf pulls into a service station, and sure enough, Mum and Dad’s Volvo follows us. A few moments later, Mum has got out of the car, bustled over and is knocking on the door of the cab.

‘Everything all right?’ she calls up.

‘Of course!’ I wind down the window and smile brightly. ‘Just getting some petrol.’

‘Only, I’ve got Janice on the line. You wouldn’t mind if she came along too, would you, love?’

What?

Before I can answer, Mum’s turned back to the phone. ‘Yes, we’re at the BP with the café … see you in a tick! Janice and Martin were in the car already, coming back from Yogacise …’ She turns to me. ‘There they are!’ She waves frantically as a black Audi turns in at the service-station entrance. ‘Yoo-hoo!’

‘Becky!’ Janice leans out of the window as the Audi approaches. ‘You don’t mind, do you, dear? Only your mum’s told us all about the house. So exciting!’

‘You follow us,’ Mum is telling Martin. ‘And we’ll follow the truck.’

I don’t believe this. We’ve got a convoy.

‘Put “Maida Vale” in your sat nav, Martin,’ Mum’s saying bossily ‘That way, even if we do get separated – Becky, what’s the exact address?’ She suddenly calls over to me.

‘I … er … I’ll text you …’

I’ve got to tell her the truth. I’ve got to. Right now.

‘The thing is, Mum …’ I swallow and look over at Luke for support, but he’s got out of the truck and is taking a call on the forecourt.