Mini Shopaholic

‘No, it’s not fucking OK,’ I can hear him saying.

Oh God. He looks really angry. What’s going on?

‘Becky.’ I jump as Janice appears out of nowhere, blinking at me through the cab window. She’s wearing a bright-pink yoga outfit which makes my eyes hurt just to look at it, together with pop socks and clogs. It’s a look which some edgy nineteen-year-old model could just about carry off. ‘I just wanted a little discreet word, while Luke is out of the way.’ She lowers her voice almost to a whisper. ‘It’s about the P. A. R. T. Y. I was reading Hello! the other day. That “Royal Fashion” party. Did you see it?’

I nod absently, watching Luke. He’s moved away from the cab, but I’m pretty sure he’s yelling at somebody. And I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t like Minnie to hear his language.

Is he having a row with Sage Seymour? Is he breaking things off with her before I’ve even had a chance to meet her and become her best friend? If so, I will kill him.

‘… and they had a touch-up area for all the celebrities!’ Janice finishes with a flourish. ‘You see?’

I must have missed a beat somewhere.

‘Sorry, Janice.’ I smile apologetically. ‘I wasn’t quite following you.’

‘I’m a make-up artist, love,’ she says as though it’s obvious. ‘And I’d like to volunteer to host a little touch-up area myself. I’ll make up all the guests! It will be my gift to Luke.’

I’m speechless. Janice is not a make-up artist. She did one course at the adult-learning institute, and learned how to apply peach blusher and highlighter in badger stripes to a plastic dummy’s cheeks. And now she wants to make up people at my party?

‘Janice … that’s so sweet,’ I say as convincingly as I can. ‘But you mustn’t miss the fun.’

‘We’d have shifts!’ she says triumphantly. ‘I’ve got a team of chums, you know! We were all on the course together, so we all use the same techniques.’

The idea of a team of Janices, all clutching palettes of frosted eyeshadow, makes me feel a bit faint.

‘Right,’ I manage. ‘Well, that would be really … something.’

OK. I need to put this on my to-do list, right at the top. Do NOT let Janice do any make-up on the guests.

‘Better go,’ she breathes dramatically. ‘Luke approaching at one o’clock.’

Before I can say anything else, she’s slipped away to her car, just as Luke gets back into the driver’s cab.

‘Unbelievable.’ He’s breathing fast and his jaw is rock-hard. ‘Unbelievable.’

‘What is it?’ I say nervously. ‘And don’t swear in front of Minnie.’

‘Becky, I’ve got bad news.’ Luke looks directly at me. ‘The townhouse has fallen through. We can’t have it.’

For a nano-second I think he must be joking. But his face doesn’t flicker.

‘But …’

‘Some fucking moron at the office rented it to another tenant. They’ve already taken possession and our agent has only just realized.’

‘But it’s ours!’ My voice is rising in panic. ‘We need that house!’

‘I know. Believe me, they know it, too. They’re finding us an alternative within the hour or we’re checking into a hotel at their expense.’ He exhales. ‘What a total fuck-up.’

I feel a bit light-headed. This can’t be happening.

‘I’d better tell your parents …’ Luke makes to get out.

‘No!’ I almost squeal. ‘We can’t!’

‘Well, what do you suggest doing?’

I can see Mum waving at me from the Volvo, and a moment later a text comes through on my phone.

Ready to go, love?

‘Let’s just drive to Maida Vale.’ I lick my dry lips. ‘We might as well. And hopefully the agents will call on the way. We can busk it somehow.’

Alf has hoisted himself back into the cab.

‘Ready, folks?’

‘Yes,’ I say, before Luke can speak. ‘Drive. Go.’

It’ll take us an hour to get to Maida Vale, I’m thinking. At least. And in the meantime they’ll sort us out with another house and we’ll go there and it’ll all be fine. It has to be.

Except it only takes forty minutes to reach Maida Vale. I can’t believe it. Where’s all the traffic gone? Is there a conspiracy against us?

We’re driving up the main shopping road and we still don’t have a house. My exterior is strangely calm, even though my heart is galloping with panic. As long as we keep driving, we’re OK.