CHAPTER
THIRTY-SEVEN

McLean, Virginia
Susan Donovan

Susan hadn’t expected the outpouring of love she and the girls had received today. She knew they were going to be taken care of, of course. She’d done her share of funerals at Arlington and elsewhere, knew exactly what to expect. What surprised her was how strong she felt, considering she’d just put her beloved husband in the ground. It wouldn’t last, she knew.

But for today—she was just so proud of Eddie. She heard so many stories that he’d never shared: about lives he’d saved, the strategic thinking that protected his men time and again, the real truth about the picture of the camel he had in his office, which had made everyone at the service laugh. Eddie wasn’t the kind of man to brag on himself. Susan knew in theory how well respected he was, but hearing about his deeds and adventures and close calls from the men and women who’d served with him made her miss him even more, but in a different way. Perhaps it was having grown up in the military. Knowing he had touched so many helped cushion the blow the day could have thrown.

She’d gotten the girls to sleep at Eleanor’s and, with her mother-in-law’s blessing, sat in the backyard until the remaining guests had left.

She was exhausted. And she hadn’t had a minute to herself in two days. When Eleanor suggested Susan take a drive to clear her head, she jumped at the chance. She’d driven right back to the house, poured a glass of wine and stepped into Eddie’s office, where she felt his presence the strongest.

And there, in the darkened room, she started to say her final farewells. She allowed herself the tears she’d held back this afternoon to keep the girls in check. She sobbed looking at their wedding photos, until the last one in the album, where they were walking under the tunnel of sabers, and Eddie’s best man, Perry Fisher, had swatted her on the butt with the flat of his saber and said, “Welcome to the Army, ma’am.”

She relived the moment through the photo. She knew the brief spanking was coming; it was tradition. But King had smacked her a good one, and her flesh stung under her dress. She’d burst out laughing, and the camera caught her, turning to scold King, face lit up in glee, her mouth wide open. Eddie hadn’t realized she’d stopped and was a foot in front of her, holding her arm, so she looked like she was being pulled in two directions, the train of her gown flying up in the air as if a breeze had blown it from below.

It was a perfectly timed photo, the kind of spontaneous shot that made the unscripted moments of the day come to the fore. How Eddie had tripped getting down on his knee to pull the garter off her thigh. The band playing the wrong first dance song. Her father, sick but still kicking, leading a bunny hop. It had been a perfect wedding.

She didn’t want to say goodbye to that man, the one who loved her unconditionally, who sang to their babies, who fretted about his ties and brought home her favorite ice cream as a surprise. All of the little things that made their marriage tick.

Lightning flashed in the distance, briefly brightening the office. She realized she was sitting in the dark. She counted off until she heard the thunder. Not too close, not yet. She knew it was supposed to rain this evening. She was just glad it held off until they’d gotten the burial over with.

She wondered how Betty Croswell was doing tonight. After Hal’s murder, she’d taken the kids and gone south to her mother’s. She would be back next week for Hal’s inurnment. She’d sent Susan a beautiful email this morning, expressing her sorrow at missing the funeral, hoping Susan would understand. She asked if there was news about the shooting. Susan had written her back and shared what she knew, which was precious little.

Stop and start. Start and stop. Every time it felt like Detective Fletcher got some momentum on the case, things would screech to a halt.

Sam had ridden off with Fletcher earlier, escaping the throngs of people at Eleanor’s for the reception. She was working on Eddie’s case. She was trying to find his killer.

Susan wasn’t sure how she felt about Sam being privy to more information than she was.

That wasn’t true. She knew exactly how it made her feel. It sucked. Eddie was hers. They’d built a life together. Sam hadn’t waited breathlessly through every deployment, started at every ringing phone or chiming doorbell. Sam didn’t know what it was like to worry that your husband wasn’t coming home.

Check yourself, Susan. She lost her husband, too. And her kids. You can’t be angry with her. She’s just trying to help.

And face it. You feel helpless. That’s why you’re so angry with her.

Susan went to the kitchen, poured another glass of wine. The chardonnay bottle was empty now. She set it on the counter and went back to Eddie’s office.

What were they missing?

Something hugely important, that’s what. And she had no idea what that might be. Another flash of anger toward Sam—Susan couldn’t even decipher her own husband’s journal.

Susan started moving through the room, trying to look at things she may have neglected. She went through the pile of paper on his desk: bills. Just bills. She ran her fingers over his bookcase, remembering him sitting in the family room in the chair closest to the fire, reading.

She thought about how he’d run his hand up the back of her neck, under her hair, and let his palm rest there. How he’d use that leverage to pull her to him, settling his mouth on her with the intensity he brought to everything.

She would never feel that kiss again.

She collapsed in his chair. The tears flowed steadily as she said goodbye.