40
Laurie was curled up on the sofa with a blanket on her lap, reading the latest Karin Slaughter novel. She jumped at the sound of keys in the door, then turned to see Leo and Timmy walk in. Timmy was wearing what appeared to be a new Knicks hat.
She forced herself to mark her page, consoling herself that she could savor the ending before she fell asleep.
“I’m going to need to find a bigger apartment if you bring home something new every time your grandpa takes you to a game.”
“Don’t blame me,” Leo said. “He bought it with his Christmas money.”
Timmy went straight to the refrigerator in the kitchen and returned with a piece of string cheese and an apple. She had no doubt that he had eaten pounds of food at the stadium, but her son was a fast-growing boy, constantly hungry. He plopped down on the sofa next to her.
“Mom, we won! A three pointer in the final seconds. And we saw Alex!”
“You did?” She tried to sound carefree.
“Yeah. We couldn’t sit with him because he had other people with him. But, we at least got to talk to him at half-time.”
“Who was with him?” She was embarrassed at how quickly she had asked.
“A lawyer, his wife, and daughter.” Timmy had a knack for remembering every detail of a conversation.
“The daughter was visiting from California,” Leo added. “Her husband has business here.”
She nodded. Message received.
“Can we invite Alex to my recital next week?” Timmy asked eagerly.
“I told him we already had five people coming,” her father quickly said. He was offering her an out. “I wasn’t sure we could bring a sixth.”
Laurie knew how much Alex would enjoy seeing the progress Timmy had made with his trumpet in the past two months. It would be such a convenient reason to call him. The night would be about Timmy, not the two of them. But she didn’t want to go back to that familiar cycle where they saw each other regularly, without ever defining what exactly they meant to each other. She could still remember Alex’s response when she told him she wanted things to go back to the way they were before they got into that awful argument about her last case: “And how exactly was that? Where were we, Laurie? And what are we now that I’m no longer your host? I’m your dad’s sports buddy, your son’s pal. But what am I to you?”
No, if she called him, it could not be to invite him to be part of Timmy’s recital audience. If she reached out to him, she needed to mean it. She needed to be ready to open her heart to him. It wasn’t a decision she was going to make tonight.
“You can bring an entourage to your performances once you’re a famous musician,” Laurie said. “For now, I think we have a big enough crowd.”
• • •
She finished her novel that night in bed. When she was done she placed the book on her nightstand and then reached into the drawer almost out of habit, slipping on her wedding ring before pulling the covers up to her neck.
She closed her eyes to try to sleep, but when she did, she pictured Alex in his living room that last night they spoke. Admit it, Laurie: you’ll never admire me, not like Greg. So you can keep telling yourself you’re trying to move on. But you won’t. Not until you find the right person, and then it will just happen. It will be effortless. But this? This has been nothing but effort.
If she could go back in time, she would have stopped him at that moment and told him how wrong he was. She knew that in Alex she had again found the right person. But he was wrong. It wasn’t always true that real love “just happens,” although that had been the case with her and Greg. And maybe Alex’s love for her had simply “happened.” But I believe finding my soul mate the second time was harder, Laurie thought. It took time, and now I may have lost him, too.
She’d been heartsick longer than she’d allowed herself to admit. But more than anything else, she had Timmy to think of. He barely remembered the father he lost. Now, Laurie thought, I can’t allow him to become attached to another man unless he’s going to be around for the long run. But Timmy already thought about Alex that way.
So, Alex, you were wrong when you said this should be effortless, she thought defensively. It was no gift to say that you were setting me free. It’s not effortless, not for me. It’s taking work, work that I continue to do even though you insisted on “setting me free.”
She sat up again and slipped off her ring, forcing herself to tuck it away again inside its box in the nightstand drawer.
Greg, I loved you so dearly, she thought. I’m so happy that I have your son, and that with him, you and I will always have a part of each other. But Greg, I am so lonely. I have been so alone since that terrible day.
Laurie closed her eyes, reliving with an unexpected surge of joy sitting next to Alex in his apartment, his arm slung around her as they watched a Giants game with Timmy and her father.
The three people I now love best in the world, she thought. Pray God, it’s not too late.