Chapter Twenty-Three
Lindsay
The next couple of days went by sort of like the Before Ryder Period. I worked like crazy to get the next edition of the Heights ready while trying to balance classes and studying. But we occasionally flirted through text and I counted down the minutes until I could talk to him again. Till I could feel those lips against mine, that firm body pressed up against me.
I glanced at the clock on my laptop screen. I’d brought a bit of work home, but I got distracted when I went to do some research and now I was killing time online, hoping it’d make time speed up. Ten minutes and counting…
Ryder and I were supposed to do an official first date-type thing tonight, where we’d also celebrate the fact that I’d aced this week’s quiz, something I used to think would be impossible for me to do. He’d picked a nice restaurant and I’d shaved my legs, even though I told myself I wasn’t going to sleep with him yet. Of course, I couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like, because he was sexy and sweet, and well, I hadn’t had sex in forever and the urge to scratch that itch was definitely there. But it was more than that. I felt like Ryder truly saw me, more than any other guy ever had, and that was a hell of an aphrodisiac.
My phone chimed, and I’d never admit it to anyone, but when I saw Ryder’s name, I squealed.
Ryder: Hey, I’m going to be late. Coach is on a rampage & I’m risking death by sneaking in this text. Be there as soon as I can.
The excitement that’d been coursing through me all afternoon faded. It’s not a big deal. I’m the one who said we both had to understand each other’s busy schedules.
It’s just that we only have two months together and I haven’t seen him for two days.
I shook my head at myself. Really? I was thinking in terms like that when we hadn’t even been on one official date yet? For all I knew, we’d crash and burn within a week or two.
Oh my gosh, what if we crash and burn?
My lungs tightened, each breath somehow making them tighter instead of providing relief. I couldn’t care this much already. It made me think about how I’d fallen for Hudson and ended up hurt and completely broken.
I didn’t want to have to reevaluate all my life choices again, either. It sucked hard enough the first time.
Fully spinning out of control now, I set my laptop aside, forced myself to my feet, and went into the kitchen for water.
After downing a glass, I set it in the sink and stared at it. I wanted to put up walls and protect myself, but what I’d experienced most since erecting them was a lot of crushing loneliness.
I’d told myself over and over that I didn’t need anyone else. I’d been just fine pretty much on my own ever since I could remember. But sometimes…? Sometimes it sucked. Maybe even hurt a little.
Attachments are a weakness.
Falling in love is a weakness…
Not that I was quite there, but it was a good reminder to not to let myself start to think otherwise.
Everyone I’d let in before had hurt me, but Ryder and I didn’t have very long together as it was, and while yes, some attachment was already forming—er, had formed—I knew there was an expiration date.
Which would make it more manageable?
Confession #14: I’m a hot mess.
I really hoped I was a hot mess, anyway, because I spent way too long curling my hair and applying makeup to be a mediocre-looking one. The truth was, thanks to reevaluating my life, I knew I’d been a hot mess for years. Mom’s habit of hopping from guy to guy didn’t help.
On autopilot, I walked back into the living room. My roommates had left clothes and shoes everywhere, but I didn’t bother putting them in piles like I sometimes did, just so the place didn’t look like a pigsty.
I picked up my phone, going back and forth between telling Ryder it was fine, and canceling tonight altogether.
But then I thought about the way he kissed me. How he’d made the joke about currently being in negotiations when Dane caught us kissing for the second time that day.
Okay, freak-out over. The highs are worth the risk.
About an hour of mindless TV watching later, there was a knock on the door.
I smoothed a hand down my hair and opened it.
Ryder stood on the other side and my pulse ratcheted up a couple of notches as I took him in, from the way he filled the entire doorframe to his damp hair, button-down, and jeans. “Sorry I’m so late.”
“It’s okay,” I said, and I meant it.
A crooked smile spread across his face and then he leaned in and kissed me, wrapping his arm around my waist and fitting me against him in that way I couldn’t get enough of. “You look amazing. Please keep that in mind when I tell you what I’m about to…”
I tensed, thinking this was when the other shoe dropped.
“Coach expects us to watch game film on the team we’re going to play this weekend, and he expects us to have done it by tomorrow. The guys are going to the diner so they can eat while we watch it—Dane cleared it with Larry, the owner. He says it’s pretty dead so we can take over the TV.”
I worked to keep the disappointment off my face. “You didn’t have to come all the way over here to cancel our date. You could’ve just sent a text.”
Ryder laced my fingers with his. “I was sort of hoping that you’d come with me. Lyla, Megan, and Whitney will be there, too. Since it’s hard for the guys to spend time with them during the week, they sometimes watch film with us and help us spot ways we can defeat the other teams.”
My body tensed at the very idea, and yet a tendril of longing unfurled inside me, the desire to watch hockey still there in the background despite how hard I’d tried to snuff it out. First I was slipping with a hockey player and then there’d be watching games, and what was next? I turned into the old me? All my progress down the drain?
But that implied I had no self-control. And I did. Not that forgetting my rules with Ryder exactly proved that.
“Okay, obviously you don’t want to,” he said, his shoulders sagging. “We can still grab dinner. I’ll stay up late and watch film and then try to talk to the guys about it right before practice.”
I knew that’d be a disaster and put him behind the rest of the team, and I didn’t want that—the fact that he was willing to earned him about a bajillion brownie points, too. “How many of the guys?”
“The starting lineup and a few of the others who get a lot of time on the ice.” He rattled off his roommates’ names, mentioned Beck and a handful of others, most of whom I recognized by last name and could even give you positions and numbers.
I’m so going to regret this. “Let’s go watch some game film, then.”
Everyone glanced our way when we walked into the diner. Several hockey players, along with a mix of the promised girlfriends, occupied three tables near the back where a flat-screen TV hung.
“Ox! You made it!”
The guys nodded and bumped fists like they hadn’t just been at practice together.
Then all eyes turned to me.
Ryder put his hand on my back. “You guys know Lindsay?”
I waved to everyone, the awkward sensation turning my head fuzzy, although I tried not to let it show. So I’d flirted with, fervently made out with, and/or slept with several people in the room. Back in the day Beck and I flirted here and there, but the night I’d drunkenly thrown myself at him, he’d called me a cab home instead.
Luckily just the old me has to be embarrassed about that. The current me still felt the heat climbing up my neck.
Then of course there was Hudson. I’d made peace enough with that whole situation and him and Whitney and all, but it didn’t exactly erase the weirdness. Especially since he knew that I’d been in love with him at one point, and so did she, and ugh. Weird.
Daniel Kelly, number sixteen, a guy who toggled between center and winger, and I had done the booty call thing several times through the past few years. He was a total player, but nice enough, and he had a way of telling you good-bye afterward that didn’t make you feel like you had to do a walk of shame.
Ryder pulled out the chair next to Megan for me, and I settled into it. He sat on my right and squeezed my knee, I assumed because he could see the apprehension on my face and was trying to put me at ease. I didn’t think I’d ever be at ease in this crowd, but the gesture warmed my heart, so I smiled and covered his hand with mine.
The owner came over and took our order. He didn’t write a thing down, which made me wonder if he had a superhuman memory or if we’d get the wrong food.
Beck stood and inserted a flash drive into the side of the TV. “Okay, let’s see what’s so great about Minnesota this year, and then we’ll figure out how to destroy them.”
The game played out in front of us, everyone making comments here and there. Megan was pretty into it, but occasionally Lyla and Whitney would lean over her and talk to me about other things like classes or this dueling piano bar they liked to go to. They promised to call the next time they went to Howl at the Moon so that I could go along and check it out for myself.
Our food came halfway through the first period. The team onscreen was undeniably good, and they scored several points on the team they were playing.
I moved the ketchup bottle that Ryder kept pushing my way as a joke back toward him and then said, “Watch their second line. Everyone’s so focused on the wingers and the forward, but then that D-man comes through, and…boom. Pass and score.”
Ryder leaned forward, his forearms braced on his knees. “Hey, back that up.”
Beck rewound it and Ryder pointed out what I’d seen.
“Man, I didn’t even see him,” Beck said.
“Lindsay’s the one who noticed,” Ryder said, and then the spotlight landed on me once again.
“I didn’t see it the first time. I just happened to notice him on the outskirts.” Mostly because his last name belonged to one of my exes in high school and I was trying to figure out if he was one and the same, but I wasn’t about to admit that. And I was sure it wasn’t Brian, for the record. The record in my head, anyway.
The guys immediately started breaking down the play and made up a game plan for how to stop it. A few of the guys gave me high fives, like I was part of the team.
Megan raised her fist for a bump. “It was a nice catch.”
Ryder nodded his agreement before kissing my cheek. Then he pressed his lips next to my ear, his signature move for making my thoughts go completely hazy. “There’s something about you analyzing film that’s making me think naughty thoughts.”
I twisted closer and whispered, “I suspect you just think naughty thoughts all the time.”
“About you? Possibly…” The mischievous glint in his eye sent a swirl of desire through me, and when he ran his gaze over me, it spread until my entire body tingled with it.
“Ox, isn’t that that same asshole who was stupid enough to pick a fight with you earlier in the season?” Dane asked. “Number ten from the losing team?”
Ryder slowly glanced toward the screen. “Oh yeah. Glad we won’t see that prick at playoffs, even if that game was a cakewalk.”
Dane leaned over the table and aimed his statement my way. “You should see this guy in action, Lindsay. He wipes the floor with little twerps all the time.”
As much as I was trying to resist, I really wanted to see that. Ryder skating across the ice, slamming into guys and helping our team win. I was about to spontaneously combust just thinking about it. I traced my finger down that enticing line of his forearm. “I have no doubt.”
Ryder covered my hand with his. “Maybe you’ll reconsider your stance and come to our game on Saturday? It’s a big one. First playoff game, and as luck would have it, it’s being played right here in Boston.”
I bit my lip. “Maybe.”
“I’ll take it.”
We watched the rest of the game, the guys talked strategy with help from Megan, who knew more about the game than I did—and after years of watching, that impressed me, even though I shouldn’t have been surprised. She did grow up with Beck, after all.
Everyone threw in money for the bill, and Ryder insisted on paying for me, claiming it was the least he could do after our date turned into hockey practice.
“We should get Lindsay to join us on Sunday,” Whitney said, and I turned toward her. Lyla and Megan were standing next to her.
Megan nodded. “Oh, you totally should.”
“What’s going on Sunday?” I asked.
“Paintball game with the guys,” Whitney said. “Megan and I were talking about how we needed more girls to even it out.”
“I’ve never gone paintballing before. I did have a stepdad who was super into guns and taught me to shoot, but that’s my entire experience.”
“That’s more than enough experience.” Megan reached up and ran her finger down the chain of her earring and then fiddled with the pink heart dangling from it. “I went with Beck a few times when I was younger, but it’s been awhile. Whitney’s never gone, and let’s just say, I think we’re all a little scared to see Lyla wield a weapon.”
Lyla’s mouth dropped open. “Hey!”
Megan nudged her with her elbow. “Kidding.”
“I’m not,” Beck said, coming up behind Lyla and wrapping his arms around her waist. “I’m sort of terrified. With her focus, she’ll probably be the last person standing.”
Lyla twisted her head and kissed him. “Be afraid. Very afraid.”
They all turned to me. I felt Ryder behind me and glanced back at him to see if he’d heard and if he had an opinion on the matter.
“I’d love for you to come along.” A smirk twisted his sexy mouth. “You’d get a chance to take out some of your aggression on hockey players.”
“Ha ha.”
Ryder trailed his fingers down my spine, sending that intoxicating zing of awareness through me. “It’ll be fun, I promise. And I know that you and fun have made peace, so…”
Before I could come up with a retort to that, the other guys interrupted to tell us good-bye.
“Good to see you again, Lindsay,” Daniel said, flashing me a warm smile as he gave my shoulder a light pat.
I noticed Ryder’s grip on me tightened, his arm circling around my waist as he pulled me closer. I’d poke fun at him, but I kind of liked that he felt the need to show everyone I was with him. I’d felt the need to do the same whenever I was around the girls at the Quad, and that was before we’d made our enjoy-it-while-we-can arrangement.
“Great catch on that play, too,” Jeff added, and he sounded so genuine, pride rose up. It was nice that some of my hockey observing skills had helped.
I glanced around at the circle of people. None of the awkwardness from when I’d first arrived was there anymore. In fact, a feeling of belonging I hadn’t experienced in a long time filled me. I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad, considering it made me wonder if I was relapsing. Instead of overanalyzing it, I decided to go ahead and embrace it.
I wrapped an arm around Ryder’s waist. “Okay. I’m in for paintball.”