Chapter Twenty-seven: Romy
I wake to the sound of breathing, but not my own. Blinking as the rays of the sun pierce my curtains, I look toward the noise.
Caleb is crumpled next to my bed, his long legs bent, his head propped against the edge of my bedside table, still wearing his clothes from yesterday. It looks horrifically uncomfortable, but he’s deeply asleep.
I stare at his face. He’s here. Last night, this was all I wanted. When Alex had been rattling my door handle, demanding I open up and talk to him, when his fists started slamming against the glass right in front of my face, it felt like every one of those blows hit me square in the chest. But I managed to hold it together—I was calm as I told the police officers who he was and pulled out the personal protection order. Alex insisted I had invited him there to talk, but no one listened to a word he said. They put him in cuffs and tucked him into the cruiser and carried him to jail.
As soon as he was gone, though, I felt like I was disintegrating. The co-op was only a few blocks away, and I headed straight for it, praying Caleb would be there. I was so relieved when I saw his truck out front, and when I found him inside, washing his brushes, it was like coming home. Need and safety and longing all rolled together. I could barely speak. All I could do was cling to him.
I’m not the only one who needs him, though. I’m not even the one who needs him the most. And if he’s here in my room, it means that Catherine’s probably in the hospital.
Otherwise, he’d be with her.
As silently as I can, I slide off the end of my bed and tiptoe for the door. Jude is making coffee in my kitchen. He looks up and smiles. “How are you?”
“I’m okay,” I say, my voice creaky with sleep and all the tears I shed yesterday.
“Eric went home to sleep so he could be fresh for today,” he says.
I accept a steaming mug from him. “Thanks for coming over last night. I’m sorry I was such a mess.”
“You had every right to be a mess. If you hadn’t been a mess, I’d be worried you were completely detached emotionally.”
I smile. “Such a therapist.”
“I think I’m getting the hang of it.” He pours coffee for himself. “So. You slipped past Caleb, I see.”
“He was out cold. When did he get here?”
Jude shrugs. “Late. Nearly midnight, I think.” He sips his coffee. “I might have said a few things to him.”
“Oh no. Jude …”
“I can’t help it, Romy! You deserve to have a guy who’ll be there for you!”
“It’s not his fault,” I say quietly. “It’s not like he’s off partying or playing video games.”
“Maybe not, but the fact that you chose not to tell him that you ran into Alex last week speaks volumes.”
I cradle my coffee mug against my chest, letting it warm me from the outside in. “You know why, though. I feel terrible making things worse for him. I want him to have what he needs, and I’ve been trying to give him that, but …” I slump. “When I’m not doing well, I can’t handle it. I can’t be as supportive as he deserves me to be, and I want more from him than he’s able to give. I know you and I aren’t supposed to talk about it, but … Catherine’s not doing well, Jude. Caleb’s constantly having to run to her, and yesterday was no different.”
Jude sighs. “I know.”
I nudge his hip with mine. “You do? You’re actually going to cut him some slack?”
He rolls his eyes. “Maybe a little. But only because he showed up last night.” His lips twitch. “And maybe also because he slept on your floor like an overgrown guard dog. I dig protective guys.”
I chuckle. Eric is exactly that kind of guy, so I know he’s speaking the truth. “Good.” I glance down the hall. “He probably had a terrible afternoon and night.” And I was out cold from the Xanax. “I wasn’t there for him, either.”
A wave of hopelessness crashes over me. This isn’t fair to Caleb. He spends the evening with his desperately mentally ill sister, and then comes over to sleep on the floor next to his traumatized girlfriend. When does he get to worry about himself?
“I don’t know what to do,” I say to Jude. “These problems aren’t going to magically disappear.”
“You could walk away,” Jude says casually.
“No, I don’t think I can.” My eyes blur with tears. “But I don’t think things can go on like this, either.”
Jude rubs my back. “One thing at a time, okay? You have to get through today, and then you can deal with the rest of it. Go take a shower. Eric’s coming to pick you up in less than an hour.”
Down the hall, my door squeaks open, and I hastily wipe at my face as Caleb comes down the hall, his long hair disheveled. His gray eyes search my expression as he draws near, watching me as if Jude weren’t even there. “They told me what happened,” he says to me.
His hands are at his sides, and I so badly want him to reach for me, but he doesn’t. And though I want to throw myself at him and force him to catch me, I won’t. I don’t want to make him feel bad for yesterday.
“I’m all right,” I say. “I wasn’t hurt. How’s Catherine?”
His jaw clenches. “In the hospital. And I have to go. There’s a treatment planning meeting this morning, and I need to get there early.” He gives Jude a sidelong glance before returning his attention to me. “But we need to talk.”
My stomach drops. Maybe he knows it’s too much, too. Maybe he’s figured out the same thing I have. He can’t constantly stretch himself between me and Catherine. It’s not fair to him at all. “I-I know. We should talk. But I have this arraignment today … and then, I was actually thinking I might go back to Grosse Pointe early. My finals are done and …”
“You’re leaving?” he says, so quietly that I barely catch it. Both of us know what I’m saying. I’m letting him off the hook. We were going to go to my parents’ party, but that seems so stupid and silly now. His sister’s in the hospital. There’s no way he’ll be able to leave her in this condition, especially not to do something so frivolous.
“Yes. Tomorrow morning, probably.” I need to get out of town. I can’t be here, because if I was, I’d ask for things from him. I’d tell him I need him. I’d be upset that he couldn’t give me his time. And none of that is right.
Caleb shoves his hands in his pockets. “Can I come over tonight then, so we can talk before you go?”
No. I don’t want to do this. My toes curl and my stomach clenches as I try to hold my sobs inside. I manage to nod, but that’s all I can do.
Caleb nods, too, first at me, then at Jude. “I’ll see you later, then.”
Hesitantly, he touches my arm, a single finger sliding from my shoulder to my elbow. “Good luck today.” Then he turns quickly and strides out my front door.
“No idea what just happened,” said Jude once Caleb is gone.
“He’s going to break up with me,” I say, leaning against the counter. “That’s what just happened.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure.” He stares at the door.
I set my mug down. “I have to get ready.” If I’m going to survive today without chemical assistance, I need to pull myself together. I get on my tiptoes and kiss Jude’s cheek. “Thanks for everything.”
“Anytime,” he says. As I walk down the hall for the shower, he’s still watching the door like he thinks Caleb might come back.
Too late, I think. Too late. Caleb is already long gone.