MAVERICK

I reach my hand beneath the faucet, checking the temperature before I lean over and plug the drain. Standing, I feel the breath of air sucked out of my lungs when my eyes fall on Ryan. She looks beautiful with her long, brown hair falling over her shoulder. My eyes drag over her body as she peels the material of her shirt over her head and unhooks her bra, letting it fall to the floor.

In one swift movement, I grab the hem of my shirt and quickly pull it over my head. I let my gaze fall over her smooth, tan skin, over the ink that wraps around her arm and down her leg. The ink looks so much like the drawn-on designs she once wore.

Thinking of her back then has memories of our first night together flashing through my mind. Remembering how beautiful she looked beneath me, tasting her lips and every inch of her skin as I catalogued what I thought would be our last night together.

I would’ve thought coming back to Everton after all these years would’ve been harder. Having to face my dad and everything I left behind is difficult, but having Ryan at my side has only solidified who she was through some of my most difficult times.

Even before I acted on my feelings for her, her mere presence always had the ability to ease the pain I carried with me. Her fire and passion shined a light in the bleak darkness.

Drawing myself out of my thoughts, my eyes focus on Ryan’s face. Her eyebrows are furrowed as her eyes try to decipher what I am thinking.

Turning, I lean forward and pull her into a deep kiss. She reaches up onto her tiptoes, meeting me halfway, as her arms wrap around my neck, pulling me close.

“Let’s get in before the water turns cold,” I whisper against her lips.

She nods her head and moves to step into the bathtub.

Reclining against the side of the tub, I open my legs as she slides in between them, resting her back against my chest.

“It’s been so nice being with you this week. Thank you for coming today. I know I said you didn’t have to, but it meant a lot to have you there.”

She tilts her head back, resting it on my shoulder as her eyes gaze up at mine.

“You don’t have to thank me. I wanted to be there for you.”

Her fingers wrap around mine as she continues, “I know it wasn’t easy for you to come back to Everton. I know it may not seem like it, but I’ve always been here, for whatever you need.”

For as long as I can remember, I’ve dealt with everything on my own. The things I’ve witnessed during my time in the military is not the type of shit you want to burden other people with. It’s enough to make it difficult for anyone to rest easy when they lie down at night.

“Have you thought about what you’re going to do now the funeral is over?”

I sense a hint of hesitation in her voice as she turns to focus her attention ahead.

“I got a message from the realtor this morning on my way to the church that someone put in an offer on the house. I’d already told him the first offer we receive we’re going to accept. I want to wipe my hands of this place.”

I’m not sure if it’s the bitterness in my tone or what I said, but I feel Ryan’s body tense against mine as she moves to turn and face me. It’s distracting really, having Ryan’s naked body on display for me, but the look on her face clues me in that she’s not at all interested in the two of us being naked in here together.

“So, I guess this is it then? You’re not going to take Graham and Dean up on the offer to work at Compass?”

My eyes narrow. “I thought you knew I wasn’t planning on staying here long. I have to report back to base next week.”

She nods her head, biting her lip. Her eyes focus somewhere else, lost in her own thoughts.

“Can you tell me one thing? What was this to you then? You come back here and drudge up all these old feelings. What was the point, Maverick?”

“Are you kidding me? It’s not like that and you know it. I care about you more than anyone, so don’t demean what this is.”

Her jaw clenches, shaking her head as her eyes look away. “Are you planning on coming back or is this it?”

“Ryan, I have a duty to my country and to the men who are still over there serving. I would never ask you to walk away from your art; I know how much that means to you.”

“You wouldn’t have to ask, Maverick.”

She shoots up, the water cascading down her body as she grabs for the towel and wraps it around her naked body.

I want to stop her, to pull her back against me and hold her but I don’t.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“If it came down to it, choosing between this life and you, I’d choose you. That’s where we’re different. I’ve spent the past four years hoping and waiting for you. I told you I wasn’t going to give up. I thought this was it. I thought you were finally coming back but I was wrong.”

“It was only a matter of time though, right? You left me once, I should’ve known it was bound to happen again. I’m just glad this time I was worth more than waking up to you gone with only a letter left behind. For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve kept yourself locked up and closed off. I didn’t push you. I didn’t want to because I thought if you got to see how much I cared, eventually you would trust me enough to let me in fully but you never gave me a chance. I know what happened with your dad back then had to have been tough, but you didn’t have to give up. You didn’t have to walk away. As much as I want to spend however much time I have left with you, I can’t do this to myself again.”

“Ryan, wait...” I shout as she turns, opens the door and walks out.

“God dammit,” I mumble as I stand up and grab a towel. I quickly dry off, wrapping a towel around my waist, hoping to stop her before she leaves.

“Will you just hang on? Stop and talk to me.” I hold my hand out, wanting to pull her against me. My heart is beating wildly, like a caged animal in my chest.

I watch as she swiftly pulls her jeans up her legs, sliding them beneath the towel that still wraps around her chest. I hate that even now, she’s covering herself up from me. How did things go so terribly wrong in just a matter of a few minutes? I didn’t want it to be like this.

“What more is there left to say?”

“Ryan, I can’t give you what you want. That’s not who I am, as much as I want it to be.”

Ryan scoffs, shaking her head as she picks up her bra and turns away from me to finish dressing.

“Will you just look at me?”

“Maverick, I honestly can’t bear the thought of looking at you right now. I still replay the last night we had together through my head and I don’t want to memorize the look on your face as you tell me goodbye.”

I hate the sound of her voice right now. I sense the wall she had let down around me go up, blocking me out. The worst part is I know there is nothing I can do or say to her right now that’s going to help her feel better.

When she’s finished dressing, I watch her as she walks around the room and grabs the boots she was wearing. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she slides her feet in and zips them up her calves.

“Please just stay,” I mutter.  The words sound distorted even to myself.

Glancing up at me, her eyes stare into mine. I know now what she meant when she said she didn’t want to remember the look on my face because seeing the heartbreak behind her eyes tears my heart in two.

“I’m not going to stay to appease your own guilt, Maverick. I know you feel this between us and it’s bullshit that you’re going to take the easy way out and leave. I just want you to remember when you go that it wasn’t me who left. I’m not walking away from you because it’s what I want. I’m walking away because I don’t have a choice. You are not and never will be mine; I realize that now. I hope you take care of yourself.”

Reaching down, she grabs the strap to her purse and slides it over her head. The sound of my phone ringing echoes through the quietness of the room, mixing with the loud beating of my heart drumming in my ears.

Crossing the room, I pick up my phone from where I tossed it on the nightstand and check the caller ID. The number is listed as unknown.

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

“Of course,” she says as I hold the phone to my ear and answer.

As soon as the call connects and I hear Sergeant Jackson’s voice filter through the phone, I know whatever it is will change everything. Whatever I thought it was going to be, nothing had prepared me for the news I was about to receive.

My eyes close as the dam breaks, unleashing tears unlike anything I've felt since losing my mom. I'm reminded that nothing in this life is guaranteed and anything can change in a moment’s notice.

His words sound distorted as he relays the details of the mission gone wrong. My heart aches for my friends who lost their lives and for the ones who are fighting to hang on in a hospital in Germany.

Fighting through the tears, I glance around the room hoping to find Ryan still here with me only to find that I'm all alone.

It hits me hard that I just let go of the only good thing I've had in my life. It's that realization that allows the darkness to emerge and threatens to swallow me whole.