Chapter Fourteen
Leni
“FIFTY-THREE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY!” I shout my guess to the contestant on The Price Is Right. “Two hundred thousand? Are you stupid?” I yell at the man in the television who just gave his Showcase bid. “There’s no way that could be two hundred thousand.” I glare in disgust.
What a moron.
“Leni girl?” Mimi questions from a few feet away.
I mute the TV. “Yes?”
“Go outside.”
Her command is said with a sweet tone because Mimi couldn’t be anything but kind, but it still makes me do a double take.
“What?”
“Get off the couch, go outside, and get over it.”
I squint toward her in question.
“I know you’re in a funk, but, love, enough is enough. You’ve got to stop letting your parents affect you this way.”
I sigh because I know she’s right.
“Every day that you’re given on this earth is a gift. You can’t choose who your parents are or how they treat you. But you can choose how you’re going to be in this life. You’re an adult. Are you going to lie around on the sofa, feeling sorry for yourself, or are you going to go live?”
“Live.” I let out a stubborn breath.
“You know I love you unconditionally, and I’m pretty sure that boy out there does, too. Yet everyone has a breaking point. Don’t push him to his. He’s not who you’re mad at.”
So, apparently, Mimi has noticed me avoiding Liam for the past few days. I don’t even know why I’ve been avoiding him. It’s true; I’m not mad at him. I’m just so used to shutting down when I feel this way.
God, I’m so tired of feeling this way.
“Okay, I’ll go shower.” I pass Mimi and squeeze her hand in thanks. “Love you.”
“I love you, too.”
***
My lips automatically turn up into a smile as I make my way out to the barn. I’ve missed Liam’s kisses. I’ve missed Liam—period. I’ve only been in my self-induced pity party for a few days, but it’s the longest I’ve gone without Liam’s company for a couple of months now.
As soon as I enter the barn, I freeze. Liam’s not alone. In fact, his arms are wrapped around a skinny little blonde’s waist. She steps back from their embrace, and her perky little ponytail sways as she says something to make Liam laugh.
I can’t even see her face, yet I know she’s beautiful. My heart is pounding; the echoes ring so vibrantly in my ears that it’s all I can hear. I can’t make out Liam and the blonde’s words, but I can see his face clearly, and it breaks me. He’s happy. Whatever she’s saying to him makes him happy. I see the adoration that he holds for her in his eyes, and that realization brings tears to mine.
Leave.
Turn around.
Go.
I can’t make my legs move.
How could he do this to me?
He said he loved me, and I believed him. I’m such a fool, just like my mother.
Liam notices me, and panic immediately takes over his features. He’s busted, and he knows it.
“Leni?” he says, concern lining his voice.
“I hate you,” I say softly with a slow shake of my head. “You’re an asshole.”
I turn to leave.
“Leni, stop!” Liam yells.
My mind tells me to run, but my damn heart listens to him, and I stop. The sounds of Liam’s footsteps against the ground get louder until he’s right behind me. He takes my arm, and I turn to face him.
Liam lets out a sigh of relief. “Leni, you remember my cousin, Jenna, from California? You met her once or twice when we were young, I think.”
My eyes dart to the confused blonde, who waves hesitantly in my direction. I haven’t seen Jenna since I was eight or nine maybe, but I recognize her face. I wave back with a weak smile, too embarrassed to say anything.
Liam turns to Jenna. “Can you head home? I’ll meet up with you in a bit.”
Jenna walks out of the barn like a woman on a mission, and I don’t blame her. I’d want to get away from me, too.
“I’m sorry,” I say to Liam. “I just saw her, and I thought . . .”
“I know what you thought.” He sighs. “Listen, I can’t do this.” He starts to leave.
“Wait! What do you mean, you can’t do this?” I stare at him and can’t believe how much I love him and how beautiful he is to me. My entire body wants to run to him and kiss him until I’m dizzy, but I’ve gone and messed things up again.
“I need time to think, Leni.” He sounds defeated.
“About us? Why?”
He lets out a dry chuckle. “Why? Because I don’t know what to do anymore. I try so hard with you, Len. I love you. I’m patient, supportive. I do everything in my power to make you happy, and you are for a while, but something always happens to pull you from me.”
He runs his hands through his hair in frustration. “It’s like I’m living in a perpetual cycle of fear with you, always waiting for something to go wrong, for you to run. I love you too much to live every day, afraid of losing you.” He looks toward the direction of his father’s farm. “And Jenna? You thought I was cheating on you? I’ve been in love with you since we were teenagers, and you actually thought that I’d cheat on you? That I had it in me to do something like that? Sometimes, I feel like you don’t see me at all.”
“I said I was sorry,” I plead.
“I’m not your father, Len. Not even close, yet I feel like you’re constantly waiting for me to turn into him. I can’t make you love me, and I can’t make you stay. I’m not strong enough to love you, knowing that you’ll leave.”
“I love you. You know I do,” I tell him.
“Not enough.” He shakes his head.
I see the conflict in his stare. He wants me right now, just as much as I want him . . . yet he still turns to leave again.
“Wait!” Suddenly, everything is crystal clear, and maybe it’s been for a while, but like Mimi always says, I just keep getting in my way. I can’t be my own worst enemy anymore.
“Listen,” I beg, “I know I’m difficult, Liam. I wish I weren’t. God, I wish I were a normal chick with normal problems, but I’m not. Do you know why I pushed you away that summer at the river when I was thirteen? It’s because, in that moment, I realized I loved you—and not just friend love. I knew that I was in love with you and always would be. I knew that I’d stay for you, and I couldn’t.”
I move my head from side to side. Liam’s stance softens, and I continue, “You know about my childhood and my parents, but I don’t think you understand how much it truly affected me. I saw my mother turn into this shell of a person, all because she loved my father. I felt suffocated my entire childhood, and I wanted to escape. I didn’t want to let love ruin me, like it ruined her. I was afraid to lose myself. I was afraid to love you. I was terrified of becoming my mother. I’d rather live a life of loneliness than to ever know what it felt like to walk in her shoes. That was my biggest fear. And I realize that all love isn’t like that, and I had a shitty example of what love means. But it’s what I knew. So, I pushed you away to save myself.”
I take a step toward Liam, and he follows suit until we’re standing right across from each other.
I hold his hands in mine. “I had this ill-conceived notion that I had to do certain things in life to find happiness. And I needed to be happy, Liam. More than anything. Yet, no matter how much I searched for joy or did things I thought would lead me there, it never came. I did everything in my power to leave Texas, and I still ended up back here anyway. I’ve been trying to be happy my entire life. Yet I’ve finally realized that everything I need has been here all along. The truth is that my heart has always been here, on this farm. It’s always belonged to you.”
Liam bends and presses his forehead against mine as I continue, “Liam, I’ve loved you before I knew what love was. I loved you then, and I love you now. There is no one on this earth who could ever love me the way you do, and the way you love me is perfect. I’m done with pushing you away. I’m done with running. I’ll never find what I’m looking for anywhere else. I’m destined to live my life in Mason, with you, and I’m done with pretending that I’m not.” I cradle his face in my hands. “Please believe me.”
“I do, Len.”
“Okay.” My voice cracks. I pull in a few calming breaths. “So, you don’t need to think?”
He chuckles softly. “I don’t need to think. I’ve known for a long time that I’d never love another the way I love you. You’ve been my everything, all I’ve ever needed. I simply needed you to feel it, too.”
“I’m sorry it took me so long.”
“You were worth the wait, Leni.”
Liam holds me against him, and I snuggle my face against his chest. I can’t help but think about all the time I wasted, running, searching for something I already had. In that way, I am a fool. I can’t change the past, but I’ll never make the same mistakes again. I truly know this now.