I woke too early, but couldn’t fall back asleep so I finally decided to just get up. There was no reason to stick around for breakfast; I wasn’t going to eat, anyway. I packed my things and went down to the deck where disembarking would take place to see if I could leave the boat early. There was nothing else for me onboard and I wanted to get away from there as soon as possible.

Even as I walked through the ship, I saw places Cooper and I had gone to eat, stopped to see the view or walked through. Too many memories that now caused pain. How would I tell Hailey what happened? What would she say?

I waited in line to get off the boat and tried to think of other things. When I got home, what would I do? Besides seeing my friends and clanmates and family, I would keep looking for a job. I didn’t know if I could return to the area without it being painful. Or maybe if I’d returned, I’d somehow find him. I did know which park he worked for, so it couldn’t have been that hard, could it? But did he even want to be found?

I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t want to believe Becca, of course. But Cooper hadn’t called. I’d left my information for him, and maybe he hadn’t gotten it yet, but couldn’t he have called the ship and sent a message to me? Or been connected to my room like at a hotel? Wouldn’t he have my number from the Ranger program information?

I reminded myself that he’d had an emergency. I couldn’t forget that was the reason for him being gone. It wasn’t like he’d just vanished. No, something serious enough to make him leave the boat in the middle of the night and not finish teaching his training program had happened. It might have been something terrible. I hoped no one had died. But, whatever it was, was likely taking his time and attention at the moment.

Okay, then. I’d have to be patient—to wait it out, to see what happened, to not make any decisions just yet and to not jump to conclusions. Perhaps I’d get home, he’d call, everything would be fine and dandy and we’d pick up where we left off. Perhaps he’d been just as upset over not getting to say goodbye as I had been.

Or perhaps Becca was right and he was on to his next fling.

The excitement of traveling had left me. Going home usually wasn’t as interesting as leaving, but that time, it was even more difficult. I sat on the plane, blankly staring out the window, trying not to think. I walked through the airport aimlessly, just thinking about my connecting flight and nothing else.

When I landed in Florida, a tiny spark of excitement filled me as I headed toward where Hailey would be waiting. I was still glad to see my sister. When I told her what happened, she said exactly what I thought she’d say: to just see what happened. And that night, she took me out so I could get my mind off things.

But hours turned into days. I had to make a decision about Alaska. If I was going to accept the job, I’d have to go in a few weeks. I kept telling them that I hadn’t decided yet. How long would that work before they said ‘thanks anyway’?

I hunted for other jobs to see what was available to me as the days turned into weeks. After the first week, I was able to convince myself that Cooper might still call. If someone had died, there would be a funeral and arrangements to be made and so on. It might take some time for him to get my note from the ship. It might take some time for him to call.

But when one week became three, then four, I knew that was it. I wasn’t going to hear from him. In a month, surely the emergency, no matter how difficult, had passed. Surely, he would have found a few minutes to call me or the cruise ship to get my information. Surely, my note would have found him by now. I had to accept the reality that I was not going to hear from Cooper again.

As I came to that conclusion, my heart was heavy. I’d been having stomach aches over all it, losing sleep, and generally not feeling well. When it started to affect me every day, I knew I had to make a change. I headed to the gym, gave myself permission to cry over Cooper one last night, and moved on. It had been great, but it was over. I let him go and went about my life.

But then, the ill feeling didn’t fade. I felt emotionally better, but physically worse. When the time came for my period to start and it didn’t, the nagging thought in the back of my mind got louder. What if…?

When my period was seven days late, then eight, I had to know for sure. I didn’t think there was any way I could have been pregnant. I thought back to our night together. Surely, we’d used protection, right? But thinking about it, trying to recall all the details, I remembered that no, we actually hadn’t. We’d been so wrapped up in each other, so passionately excited to be together that we hadn’t paused for that little bit of precaution. But still. I couldn’t have really been pregnant. There was no way.

I purchased a test and took it home where it sat on my bathroom counter for over an hour. At first, I couldn’t pee. Then, I realized that I was freaking myself out and that’s why I couldn’t. I tried to calm down, drank a lot more water, and finally felt the urge. I dipped the stick in according to the directions and set it down. I couldn’t make myself look at it. What if it were positive?

I called Hailey instead. “I need you to come over right away.”

“Okay, what’s going on?”

“Just get over here now!” I hung up and paced, waiting for her.

When she knocked on my door, she didn’t look happy. “What’s up with you?”

I pulled her arm to bring her inside faster and led her to the bathroom. “I need you to go look.”

She put her hands on her hips. “Did you call me over here to kill a spider?”

“What? No!” I shook my head. “The pregnancy test. I need you to check it.”

Her mouth hung open and her eyes widened. “The what!”

“Just. Go. Look.” I gritted my teeth and pointed.

She went into the bathroom and came out a moment later. She looked at me, her bottom lip worrying between her teeth.

“Well?!” I shouted at her.

“It’s…positive.”

“No!”

I dashed in and snatched up the stick. Sure enough, two lines were visible. I blinked and rubbed my eyes, willing the extra line to fade.

“This can’t be right,” I said, the panic making my voice shaky. “This can’t be happening. The father wants nothing to do with me! How can I possibly have his freaking baby?”

Hailey put her hands on my arms. “Okay, sit down. Let’s just breathe.”

She sat me on the couch and got me a glass of water.

“You don’t have to decide anything right away,” she said. “But you do have some options, here.”

“Options.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t have options! My life is over now!”

“Um, hello twenty-first century woman, your life is not over. You’re having a baby. It’s not the end of the world.”

I burst into tears and covered my face with my hands. “I can’t have a baby,” I muttered through my sobs.

“Then you don’t have to.” Hailey held me close and rubbed my back. “You’ll need to take time and really think this through. You do have options. Several. You’ll have to decide what’s right for you. If you don’t want a baby right now, then don’t have one.”

“But how could I just…get rid of it?”

“Well, you don’t have to do that, either. You could have it and give it to a loving couple who wants a baby.”

“But just give my baby away? Then I’d always be wondering, wanting it.”

“Then keep it. Be a single mom. Move in with me and we’ll double team it. It can’t be that hard to raise a baby, can it?”

I burst into sobs all over again. I had no idea what to do and it seemed that the only thing I was capable of doing was crying. Hailey stayed with me for many hours. She got me fed and made me tea—caffeine free, she pointed out—and made me put on my comfy clothes. We watched a movie together and just hung out.

But when she left that night, I knew I had a decision to make. I took a piece of paper and divided it down the middle, writing ‘Pros’ and ‘Cons’ at the top. On the left side, I listed abortion, adoption, parenthood before writing my pros and cons for each.

I’d always wanted children. But did I want them without a partner? I’d never thought I could have an abortion, but did I really want a baby at that point in my life? When I was done, I looked at the list. Each section had several items and no one section seemed to have more than another. I’d been hoping the exercise would help me see clearly what I should do; that the correct answer would have all the pros and few cons and it would be obvious. But no such luck.

The hardest part was knowing I hadn’t heard from Cooper. It was his baby, no doubt about that. I hadn’t even thought of being with anyone else but him. Our night together had been the only sex I’d had in more than six months—and was probably all I would have for the next year or so. At least. That was depressing. I thought of what my woman parts would go through giving birth and shuddered. No way could I go through with it. But still, Cooper deserved to know. Even though he might not have wanted to speak to me again, I had to figure out how to get in touch with him.

I called the cruise company again. After being on hold for hours and being passed from person to person, I was told that they could not give me any personal information on Cooper. It didn’t matter if it was an emergency. I left my number, but had low hopes that it would get through. If Cooper had my number already and hadn’t called, why would he call now, after being given my number again? He’d probably think I was stalking him.

I’d searched for him online a number of times, and then I searched again. Someone should not be that hard to find. I knew his name and where he lived. I knew what he did for a living. I even knew which park he worked for.

When I found the number for the Glacier Bay Ranger Station, my heart raced. What if I found him? What if I didn’t?

When a woman answered the phone, I had a moment of hesitation. She introduced herself as Becca, and I thought her voice sounded familiar.

“Hi, I’m looking for Cooper Hurst. He works for Glacier Bay, but I’m not exactly sure where.”

“May I take a message?” she asked.

“Is he there?”

“He’s not available at the moment. May I take a message and have him call you?”

I let out a sigh. “Sure. That’d be great.” I told her my name and number.

“Wait,” she snickered. “Didn’t I meet you on the cruise ship a few weeks ago?”

“Yeah. I was wondering if you were the same Becca.”

“So, Cooper didn’t call you, did he?”

“No, he didn’t. But it’s very important that I talk to him. Can you please relay that to him?”

“I’ll pass it along,” she said. “Again. But you know, if he didn’t call the first time, I doubt he’ll call now.”

“I know, but it’s critical that I speak with him. Please just tell him that.”

“I will, but don’t get your hopes up, sweetie; I warned you about him. In fact, I’ve already seen him with several women since that cruise. It’s probably in your best interest just to move on and forget him.”

My throat thickened and I choked back tears. “Please…just tell him.” I hung up and broke into sobs.

I didn’t know if she told him how important the matter was and he just didn’t give a shit, or if he’d moved on. Could he have really just been a player? I didn’t know why he didn’t call, but he didn’t. Weeks went by and I had to decide. I was running out of time.

I was frustrated, confused, worried and lonely. I had to decide the fate of a child. On my own.