He showed up just before nine. She let him into her apartment and wrapped her arms around her own torso instead of his. He looked tired and sad, and she wanted desperately to comfort him, but he was stiff and uncomfortable, and he wouldn’t look her in the eye.
She had spent the last couple of hours hoping that he would choose her. Such a selfish, terrible thing to do, but she couldn’t help it.
He hadn’t chosen her.
She’d known the moment she opened the door and seen him standing there with his drawn face and hunched shoulders. He was a ghost of his usual self, and for a moment she felt pure hatred for his mother. What had she said to him?
“I’m sorry to come by without calling.” He shoved his hands into the pockets of his coat.
“It’s okay. Come in.”
He followed her into the living room and sat on the couch. She perched nervously beside him as he studied his hands. “I’m sorry my mom interrupted us like that.”
“You don’t have to apologize,” she said. “I understand.”
There was a bitter undertone to his laugh. “You don’t. But you’re about to.”
“Jace, I -”
“I need to tell you something, Bria. Okay? Will you just listen and hear me out?”
“Yes.” She folded her hands together so she wouldn’t try and hold his.
“Depression runs in my family. My aunt committed suicide when she was in her thirties, and you know that my brother Jonah killed himself. He had severe depression. My mom suspected he did, and she tried to get him help, but he refused. It was bad in his teens, but got a little better after he graduated high school. He met his mate, Davra, and they moved in together. The depression seemed to be gone. Or maybe he had just hidden it really well. I don’t know. Anyway, it came back, and he was struggling. Davra couldn’t deal with it. She left him, and a month later he hung himself in his bedroom.”
“I’m so sorry.” She had to touch him. She had to.
He took her hand when she curled it around his and held it in a tight grip. “I was diagnosed with depression too. I’m not as stubborn as Jonah though. I was willing to try medication, and it helps. After Jonah died, it got pretty bad, so I started seeing a therapist. Her name is Dr. Martin. She’s nice. She’s good at what she does.”
She squeezed his hand and he studied her for a moment before staring at the floor again. “Tabitha tried to be supportive, but I knew it bothered her. Jonah had been dead for almost a year and I was still doing therapy. She thought I was weak for needing medication and therapy. She used the no kids thing as her reason for leaving, but it wasn’t just that. She hated that I couldn’t force myself to be happy. Couldn’t beat the depression. Honestly, I wasn’t surprised when she left me.”
He paused. “My depression got worse and I had suicidal thoughts a couple weeks after she moved out. I made the mistake of telling my parents. I shouldn’t have, I don’t know why I did, but they freaked out. Mom wanted to put me in the hospital, but I was an adult, and she couldn’t force me to go. But I did get help.”
He gave her another fleeting glance. “I told Dr. Martin what was happening. She worked with my doctor to adjust my medications, and she made me do therapy sessions three times a week instead of just once. It helped. I started to feel more like myself. But my parents were so worried. They were sure I was going to kill myself like Jonah. I felt really guilty about what I was putting them through, you know?”
Bria squeezed his hand. “Kids always worry their parents, honey.”
“I know but… I decided the best thing to do would be to avoid relationships for a while. I told my mom and dad and,” he paused, “they were so happy and relieved. I couldn’t blame them for it. They had already lost one son because of a relationship gone bad, and almost lost their other one. Anyway, seeing how relieved they were, made me realize I was making the right decision. I joined the Heat Me Up site and I haven’t let myself get attached to anyone.”
He fell silent and she shifted a little closer to him on the couch. She rested her head on his shoulder and he stiffened a little before kissing the top of her head. “Only then I met you. And you’re sweet and funny and so damn beautiful. I told myself that I didn’t want anything more than sex, but I was wrong. You wanted a relationship with me, and I was starting to want that too.”
She brushed her hand through his thick hair. “I know, honey.”
“My parents don’t want me to date you. They don’t think I’m ready to be in a relationship again.”
“What do you believe?”
“It doesn’t matter.” He stared at their entwined hands.
“It does matter. You can’t live your life doing what your parents want you to do. You’re an adult and -”
“My dad had a heart attack.”
“What? Today?”
“No, after I got sick. I had no idea. Mom told me tonight that Jonah’s death, and the stress of me being sick, was too much for him and he had a heart attack. They kept it from me because I was still struggling.”
His voice was full of harsh fear. “I almost killed my father, Bria.”
“Honey, no. Look at me.” She cupped his face. “You didn’t. Your mother should never have told you that, or at the very least, worded it differently. It isn’t your fault that your father had a heart attack.”
“It is,” he said. “I want to be with you, I really do, but I can’t. If we break up, and I can’t handle it…”
“Who says we’ll break up?”
“Who says we won’t,” he countered. “Life isn’t full of guarantees.”
She didn’t reply, and he squeezed her hand again. “I can’t take the risk, Bria. I like you a lot, but I can’t risk my dad dying because of me.”
She wanted to tell him he was being dramatic, wanted to shake him and force him to see how his mother’s fear was influencing him. Instead, because she didn’t want to hurt him any more than he already was, she sat quietly and waited for him to break her heart.
He let go of her hand and shifted further away from her. “I’m sorry. I can’t be with you anymore, Bria. Not even to help you with your heat. I know you hate me now and -”
She cupped his face again and made him look at her. “I don’t hate you.”
“You should. I’ve led you on the last few days and -”
“You haven’t. I don’t hate you, Jace. I hurt for you. and I wish things were different, but I understand.”
“Do you?” He gave her a searching look.
“I’m trying to understand.” She rubbed his cheek with her thumb. She wanted to kiss him, but she let him go and stood up. “Thanks for stopping by and explaining. I appreciate it.”
He stood. “I – you’re not going to quit, are you? This doesn’t have to affect our working relationship.”
“I think I have to quit.”
“I wish you wouldn’t. I already feel like a piece of shit and -”
“You shouldn’t.” She made herself smile at him. “I just – I like you a lot and it’ll be difficult to see you every day. Especially when my heat is coming up.”
She forced another smile. “Could you imagine how embarrassing it would be for everyone if I tried to hump you in the boardroom during a staff meeting?”
“I can work from home. I can stay in my office when I do need to come in and -”
“No,” she said. “That’s not really a workable solution. This is your business and your livelihood. I’ll find another job.”
“Promise me you won’t quit until you find a new one,” he said. “It’s bad enough that you’re losing your job because of me. I don’t want you homeless and starving either.”
“Yeah, okay.”
“Do you promise?”
“I promise I’ll try to stay until I find something else.” She patted him on the arm. “You should go.”
She walked him to the door. He opened it and then turned abruptly. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her with a desperate sort of need.
He tasted like sorrow and regret and love all mixed in together. She returned his kiss, trying not to cry and failing.
He cupped her face and kissed her again. “I’m sorry.”
He walked out of her apartment without looking back.
* * *
“Good afternoon, Shepherd Real Estate. Bria speaking.”
“Yes, may I speak with Jace Shepherd, please.”
Bria shifted the phone to her other hand. “He’s not in today. Can I take a message for him?”
The woman on the other line hesitated. “Yes. Could you have him call Valerie Martin, please. He missed our appointment this morning and I’d like to reschedule.”
“Are you Dr. Martin?” Bria blurted.
There was a long drawn-out silence before the woman said. “Yes.”
“Jace has the flu.”
“Ah.” The relief in the woman’s voice was palpable. “That’s why he hasn’t returned my calls. Thank you. Just have Jace call me to reschedule when he’s back in the office.”
“I will.” Bria hung up the phone. Adrenaline was spiking through her veins and her hands were turning ice cold.
It was Friday afternoon. Jace hadn’t been in the office once this week. He’d texted Rosalie Tuesday afternoon that he had the flu and wasn’t coming to the office. Bria tried to tell herself all week that he really did have the flu and nothing else. But her unease had grown stronger with each passing day. Now, it had turned to straight panic.
Don’t panic. If he has the flu, then it’s entirely possible that he wouldn’t answer his phone and that he’d forget about his appointment.
Her inner voice was right, but her tiger was yowling and whining for her to go to their mate.
She stood and hurried to Rosalie’s desk. “Rosalie, you’re texting and talking to Jace, right?”
Rosalie saved the document she was working on. “Yes.”
“Have you talked to him today?”
“No, not today. Why? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Bria lowered her voice. “I just – Jace lives alone and I was worried about him.”
“It is a little weird for him to be sick this long. I didn’t think shifters even got the flu or colds like humans do.”
“We can get sick, but it usually only lasts a day or two, and then we heal ourselves. But sometimes if it’s a really bad illness, it can take longer.”
“Oh. Well, I’m sure he’s okay. His mom is probably checking on him.”
“Probably.” Bria chewed at her bottom lip. “But you haven’t talked to him at all today?”
“No. Unless he texted me and I missed it.” Rosalie grabbed her cell phone and scrolled across the screen. “He texted me Wednesday afternoon.”
“Wednesday?” Bria could hear the panic in her voice. “It’s Friday, Rosalie.”
“I know, but if he’s sick -”
“Can you listen for phones for a minute?”
“Sure. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Her panic eating away at her, Bria nearly ran down the hall to Lincoln’s office. The lion shifter was just hanging up the phone, and he gave her a surprised look when she walked in and closed his office door.
“Have you talked to Jace today?”
“No. He has the flu,” Lincoln replied. “Why?”
“Have you talked to him at all since Tuesday?” Her voice had an unpleasant shrill to it. “Did he sound like he had the flu?”
“I haven’t talked to him, just texted.” Lincoln gave her a careful look. “What’s going on, Bria?”
“When did you text him?”
“I don’t know.”
“Look!”
He grabbed his phone. “Uh, Tuesday afternoon.”
“Shit.”
“What’s wrong?” Lincoln sniffed the air. “Why are you panicking over Jace having the flu?”
“I don’t think he has the flu. Since when does a shifter have the flu for four days, Lincoln?” The shrillness was growing right along with her fear.
“What are you talking about?” He came around the desk and touched her shoulder. “You’re shaking like a leaf. Sit down and tell me what the hell is going on.”
Fifteen minutes later, she was following Lincoln to Rosalie’s desk.
“Rosalie?” Lincoln’s voice held no trace of its usual flirtiness.
“Lincoln? What’s wrong?” She stood up immediately and gave him an anxious look.
“Can you watch the front desk? Bria and I need to run an errand.”
“Um, sure. Is everything okay?” Rosalie studied Bria’s pale face.
“Yes, we won’t be long. Thanks, Rosalie,” Lincoln said. “Bria, let’s go.”
She followed him to his car and buckled her seat belt as Lincoln drove out of the parking lot.
“He’s probably fine,” Lincoln said.
“Yes.”
“I mean, we’re probably just overreacting. He knows when things are getting bad and he needs help. He wouldn’t do anything stupid.”
“He missed his appointment with Dr. Martin,” she reminded him.
“He’s fine,” Lincoln repeated as he sped up. “We’ll go to his house and he’ll be just fine.”
He almost sounded like he believed it.
* * *
Jace sneezed repeatedly before rubbing his aching temples. He was weak and shaky, but he actually thought he might be feeling a little better. He pushed the button on the electric tea kettle and dropped a teabag into the mug.
After leaving Bria’s place, he’d gone home, poured himself a drink and sat in the dark kitchen until amost two in the morning. The look on Bria’s face, the look on his mother’s face, huanted him. The depression was closing in on him, threatening to fill him up until he couldn’t breathe or think. The urge to let it was overwhelmingly strong, but he’d fought it back.
As miserable as he was right now, he didn’t want to go back to how he was after Tabitha left him. But, holy shit, this was so much worse. He loved Bria and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Knowing he couldn’t, made him want to let the darkness swallow him whole.
He’d finally gone to bed, but tossed and turned until the early morning light crept into his bedroom. He didn’t want to get out of bed. He got out anyway.
He chalked up his growing headache and the ache in his bones to his sleepless night, and met his clients at the showing. By the time he was finished, he was pale and sweaty and had a fever.
He’d returned home, texted Rosalie, and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening alternating between vomiting in the bathroom, and shaking and shivering in his bed. His natural healing ability was working overtime, but the flu was a bad one. He’d woken up Thursday morning with the ache and fever gone, but with a cold to take its place.
He sneezed again and eyed the cupboard. He hadn’t eaten anything since Monday. Maybe it was time to try some toast. Honestly, he wasn’t even sure what day it was. He reached for his phone and frowned. What the hell had he done with it? He knew he’d texted with Rosalie at some point, but when was that?
He shut the teakettle off and poured water into the mug, before heading back to his bedroom. His phone wasn’t on either nightstand or on the floor beside the bed. He picked up his pillow and pulled back the covers before reaching for Bria’s pillow.
Not Bria’s pillow, his inner voice said immediately. She’s not yours. Never was and never will be. Get used to it. You’re going to be alone forever, buddy.
His tiger whined softly at the mere thought of Bria. It had been more or less quiet for the last few days. He rarely got sick and his tiger had no capacity for dealing with the flu and cold symptoms he was battling. It had retreated like a sulky teenager refusing to leave its room.
Stop it, he scolded it. She’s not our mate.
His tiger growled, and he ignored it before lifting the other pillow. His cell phone was under it and he grabbed it and headed back to the kitchen. He sipped cautiously at his tea. If it didn’t make him feel sick, he’d try some dry toast next.
He pushed the button on his phone. Holy shit, it was Friday. He groaned when he saw the missed calls and text messages from his mother. Her messages were growing increasingly urgent in tone. He vaguely remembered putting his phone to silent at some point, the dinging of it was too loud for his aching head.
“Shit,” he muttered. There was a missed call and a text message from Dr. Martin as well. He had missed his appointment with her this morning.
He would text his mother and then give Dr. Martin’s office a quick call. He should probably text Rosalie as well, let her know he was fine. She’d tell Bria who would probably be worried about him.
No, she won’t. You broke her heart. She doesn’t give a shit about you anymore.
“Jace?”
He jumped and nearly fell off the chair. His growl of surprise turned into a coughing fit. He coughed and coughed as a big hand rubbed his back. When the coughing eased and he could breathe again, he said, “Dad? You scared the hell out of me.”
“Sorry, son.” His dad sat down in the chair next to him. “I should have knocked.”
“What are you doing here?”
“You look like shit.” His dad put his big, callused hand on his forehead.
“I’m fine. Just had the flu and now a cold.”
“You sure that’s all it was?” His father was giving him that cautious look he remembered so well after Tabitha left him.
“Yes. I’m fine, Dad. Why are you here?”
He wasn’t. He was far from fine and as soon as he was feeling better, he was confident the darkness would be waiting for him. Hell, he could feel it now, creeping around the edges, lurking and waiting for the chance to consume him.
“Your mother was worried about you. You haven’t been returning her calls.”
“My phone was on silent and I’ve been sleeping most of the last few days.” He forced a smile at his father. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m doing okay.”
“Have you eaten anything?”
He shook his head. His father stood and moved to the counter. “I’ll make you some toast.”
“Thanks.”
“Your mother’s been real upset the last few days. I finally sat her down and made her tell me what was wrong.”
“I didn’t mean to upset her.”
His father popped the bread into the toaster before turning to face him. “Do you love Bria?”
Jace paused with the mug of tea halfway to his mouth. “What?”
“Do you love her? Be honest with me, kid.”
“Like you and mom were honest with me about your heart attack?”
The toast popped up and his father put it on a plate and joined him at the table. “We shouldn’t have kept that from you. I’m sorry we did. Do you love her?”
Jace stared at the toast. “Yes.”
His father reached out and squeezed his hand for a moment. “Look at me, son. What happened to me wasn’t your fault.”
“It was.”
“No, it wasn’t. I’m sorry that your mother made it sound like it was. I understand why she did it – she’s terrified she’s going to lose you like we lost Jonah – but it wasn’t right of her to do that to you. My heart attack had nothing to do with you.”
“You were stressed because of what I was putting you through,” Jace said. “Mom told me that -”
“Your mom is afraid, and sometimes when a person is afraid like that, they’ll do and say anything to keep the people they love safe. When you brought Bria to your cousin’s engagement party, both of us could see what it was. We could smell your love for her. It scared your mother badly. I knew that it scared her, but I never thought she would tell you that what happened to me was your fault. It wasn’t. I had a heart attack – a mild one – because of a number of reasons.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? It was a real shitty thing to keep it from me.”
“Yeah, it was and I’m sorry we did. But I was completely healed from it within a week and you were going through a rough time. I didn’t want to make it worse and neither did your mother.”
“How is your health now?”
“Really good. No problems and like I said, healed completely. I’m worried about you.”
“You don’t need to be.”
“So you and Bria are still together then?”
“No.”
His father sighed. “If you love her, you should be with her.”
“I can’t. If it doesn’t work out -”
“If it doesn’t work out, then we’ll deal with it.”
“Mom doesn’t want me to be with anyone right now. She thinks I’m not ready and the idea of me dating Bria terrifies her.”
“Yes,” his father admitted, “it does. But that’s her issue, not yours. I know you love your mother, but you can’t live your life for her or for me. You have to do what makes you happy. It isn’t right that we tried to bend you to our will, and tried to make you be alone, because we figured it was the best way to keep you safe. I’m sorry we did that to you. I hope you can forgive us and start living your life.”
Jace didn’t reply and his father leaned forward and took his hand again. “Your mother will be upset, but I’ll help her get through it, I promise. I told her that I was going to encourage you to date Bria.”
“What did she say?”
“She cried, then she growled and tried to bite me.” His father grinned. “Then she apologized for trying to bite me and made me a sandwich.”
Jace smiled and his father squeezed his hands. “She’ll be okay, son. I promise you. It’ll take her a while to get used to the idea, and maybe we won’t be having you and Bria over for dinner anytime in the near future, but she’ll accept it sooner than you think. She’s a good mother who only wants what’s best for you. She’s just afraid.”
“She doesn’t have to be. I’m good. Being with Bria makes me even better.”
“Then be with her.”
“I think it’s too late,” Jace said. “I broke her heart. She said she understood, and that she didn’t hate me, but I’ve been hot and cold with her the entire time she’s known me. Why would she believe me now?”
“You gotta try, kid.” His father stood before bending and giving him a rough kiss on the forehead. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“I know. Now go out there and get your girl back. But can I give you some advice?”
“Sure.”
“Shower first.”
* * *
Lincoln pounded on Jace’s front door for a third time before yanking his keys out of his pocket. He searched through them as Bria said, “Hurry, Lincoln.”
“I’m hurrying,” he growled. He found the right one and shoved it into the lock. He pushed the door open and immediately called Jace’s name.
There was no reply and he ran to the kitchen. “Jace, buddy, you in here? Shit.”
He stuck his head back into the hallway. “He’s not in here.”
Bria ran up the stairs. Lincoln was right behind her and she hurried down the hall to Jace’s bedroom. “Jace! Jace, are you in here? Oh my God!”
Lincoln made a grunt of surprise behind her. “What the hell?”
Jace was walking out of the bathroom, completely naked and drying his hair with a towel. “Bria? Lincoln? What are you doing here?”
“Holy shit, put some clothes on, man,” Lincoln said. “You think I wanna see your dick?”
Jace stared blankly at his body before bunching the towel in front of his crotch. “You’re the one who just barged into my house while I was showering.”
“Because we thought you were gonna do something stupid,” Lincoln said. “Why the fuck aren’t you answering your goddamn phone?”
“Because I’ve been sick, and it was on silent.” Jace dropped his gaze to Bria. “Um, hi. I was just about to come and see you.”
“You were?” Bria cupped her elbows and took a hesitant step toward him. She studied him carefully. His nose was swollen and red, and he had dark circles under his eyes. He sounded completely stuffed up and as she watched, he suddenly tucked his face into the crook of his elbow and sneezed explosively.
“Gross.” Lincoln backed out of the room. “I’m out. I’ll ask Rosalie to cover phones for the rest of the day. You two lovebirds kiss and make up.”
“Thank you, Lincoln.” Bria didn’t look away from Jace.
“Anytime.” He left the room and a few minutes later, they heard the front door slam shut.
“I’m sorry,” Bria said. “I shouldn’t have asked Lincoln to bring me over, but I was worried about you and -”
“I love you.”
She took a step back, hugging her torso as she stared wide-eyed at Jace. “What?”
“I love you. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I love you and I want to be with you.”
“Do you have a fever? Are you delirious?” Bria stared up at him when he crossed the room and stopped in front of her.
She wanted to throw her arms around him. Instead, she reached up and pressed her hand against his forehead. He smiled at her. “I’m not delirious. I’m an idiot, but a completely clear-headed idiot.”
“Jace, I…”
“I have to touch you,” he said in a low voice. “Please, let me touch you.”
She nodded, and he dropped his towel, threw his arms around her waist and picked her up. He buried his face in her neck and kissed her throat repeatedly as she hugged him and rubbed his back.
“I love you,” he said again.
“I love you too.”
He leaned back so he could see her face. “You love me?”
She smiled a little. “You know I do. You can smell it.”
“Maybe, but I like hearing it too.”
She kissed him on the mouth and growled when he pulled his head back. He grinned at her. “I have a cold. I don’t want to give you my germs.”
She purred to him and he purred back before carrying her to the bed. “Lie down with me for a bit.”
They crawled into bed and she rested her head on his chest. He was purring and calling to her and she blinked back the tears. She was very happy, and also very confused.
“Jace?”
“Yeah?”
She sat up and stared down at him before resting her hand on his chest. “Why the sudden change? Sunday you said you could never be with me.”
“My dad came to see me today. He told me that what my mom said wasn’t true. He told me if I loved you, I should be with you.”
He sat up and took her hand. “Honestly, even if Dad hadn’t come by to talk to me, I wouldn’t have been able to stay away from you. I kept telling myself that I would, that I could, but deep down I knew that once I saw you again…”
He squeezed her hand. “I was an idiot to think I could ignore my feelings for you.
She rubbed her hand across his warm skin. “Dr. Martin called the office today. When I realized you had missed your appointment with her, I might have freaked out a little. I told Lincoln what had happened with us, and that’s when he drove me over here. Even though I knew you didn’t want to be with me, I couldn’t stay away. I needed to make sure you were okay.”
“I love that you did,” he said. “I love that you wanted to be there for me even when I broke your heart. It won’t be easy being with me. But I promise to always be honest about how I’m feeling.”
She cupped his face and kissed him again. “We all have our issues, right? I’m far from perfect.”
“I don’t know, you seem pretty perfect to me. Other than your truly terrible pool playing skills.”
She laughed and poked him in his flat stomach. “I make up for it with my truly amazing sex skills.”
He purred loudly and nuzzled her neck. “You certainly do, little tiger. Speaking of which, why don’t we get you naked and see where it leads.”
She purred back and reached for the buttons on her shirt. “That, Mr. Shepherd, is an excellent idea.”
* * *
Thank you for reading Book Five in the
Shifters Series.
I love writing the Shifters Series and am looking forward to writing Book Six.
Who will Book Six be about?
I’m leaving it up to you, the reader, to decide!
Until March 31, 2018, you can vote for which character you’d like to
read about next.
Ellet Burke
(Mal’s younger brother and veterinarian)
Rosalie Parker
(Jace’s personal assistant.)
Bren Matthews
(Detective and adorable smartass)
Clay Haddon
(Mercenary for hire and teleporter.)
To vote for which character you’d like to read about in Book Six of the
Shifters Series,
click
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