SEVENTEEN
Running Away Again
NORA WAS ASHAMED of herself as soon as she slammed her door shut. She’d done the very thing she’d promised the guys she’d never do again: run away.
Even if they were being jerks.
They were always going to outnumber her, so she’d better find her backbone and use it.
Besides, I didn’t do anything wrong. But she immediately questioned herself. She hadn’t, had she? She’d had no intention of keeping Beau a secret. Their reaction to her disclosure surprised her.
No.
It floored her.
She couldn’t figure out the reason behind their anger, except that they didn’t trust her. Which was insulting.
She didn’t fall in love with whoever happened to speak to her. Until the guys, she hadn’t bothered to go out. Or date. Okay, maybe she’d been too busy, but she hadn’t even wanted to make time to date. No one was worth it until Ryan and then Apollo and Matisse, Cai and Seok. But they didn’t know that. She’d never told them they were special.
She buried her head in her pillow and then under it, screaming into her mattress. This should have been a conversation she’d had with each of them before they were intimate, But she hadn’t, and now she was left with their confusion and her hurt and no idea what to do. No idea how to make things better except by apologizing, and she just couldn’t.
Or wouldn’t.
This waiting for the right time thing, holding secrets close to her chest; it wasn’t working. If she just laid it all out for them, maybe that would help. She flipped onto her back and lowered the pillow, staring up at the ceiling.
Was she honestly afraid if she told them her fears, they’d take off? If the guys were willing to share her, then they certainly wouldn’t be scared off by learning she was a virgin.
Or had been.
Until tonight.
Crap.
She would eventually have sex with all of them, but it had been her first time with Ryan, and it had been special. She wouldn’t take it back. How would the others feel about what had happened with Ryan? She thought about Apollo. How would he feel? Should she tell him? If she didn’t, was she lying to him?
Maybe this was a good place to start with Ryan. She could ask his opinion. In the long run, asking him how to deal with Apollo wasn’t going to work, but until they all really knew each other well, she could try it. She didn’t want to be hurting feelings left and right.
Flinging her pillow onto the end of the bed, she sat up. It was going to be embarrassing walking back into the kitchen after storming out, but she had to do it. She was a grown-up for crying out loud.
Taking a deep breath, she flung open her door, ready to walk, head held high, back into the fray, but she ran straight into Apollo’s chest.
“Whoa.” He caught her arms when she would have bounced off him onto the rug.
“I was coming to talk to you.” She gathered her wits, and attempted to tuck her hair behind her ears.
“I was afraid you were leaving.” To anyone else, the way he crossed his arms may have been intimidating, but she recognized his nervousness and wanted to soothe him.
“I won’t do that again, Apollo. I promised. I shouldn’t have even run up here. I was coming back to apologize.”
Crowding her backward, he forced her into the bedroom and shut the door behind him. “I need to apologize. It wasn’t right, getting all bent out of shape and insinuating things I know not to be true.”
“But you’re afraid.” If honesty was her goal, it started today.
He ran his hand along the back of his head, studying her room as if he could find an excuse somewhere on her wall. “I’m not,” he began, “but I am. I just don’t see how this is going to work.”
Was he giving up on her? The blood rushed from her head so quickly she wobbled. “Do you want to end it?”
“No!” Before the words left his mouth, he was reaching for her, pulling her into the tight circle of his arms. “No, baby. I-I just worry, okay? I keep waiting for you to…” The weight of his head pressed on top of hers. “To pick one of them over me.”
Shock jolted her body, and her heart broke for him. But she also loved him more for his disclosure. “Apollo, the whole reason we’re doing this is because I love you so much. I couldn’t give you up. It’s selfish of me. I know it is, but I love you and I never want to be without you.”
His chest expanded with his breath. Slowly, in one long hiss of air, he let it out. He was silent so long she began to worry. She went over everything she’d said in her head, trying to find the place where she’d messed up.
But Apollo's next words showed her she hadn't. “I never want to be without you either, but everyone's left me, Nora. Even when it wasn't their choice. So I’m always thinking about it, constantly waiting for it. These guys, they’ve been my only family until you. My biggest fear is I could lose all of you.”
“We have that in common,” she whispered, rubbing her face against his t-shirt and breathing in his scent.
“Yeah,” he sighed.
“You know.” She pulled back and grabbed his hand, tugging him toward the bed. “I don't want anyone but you guys.”
“I do. I know that,” he answered earnestly.
She watched him, looking for some sign maybe he didn't and he thought that, for her, five guys weren't enough.
“I am jealous,” he added. “I don't like it when I can't be with you. Or when one of the other guys gets you longer than me. And then this guy comes along, the one from Ryan's past, and he wants your time, too? I'm sorry, baby. It was just too much.”
“I get it.” She did. She really did. It was hard to split her time equally, but right now it felt like Ryan needed her more.
And she wanted to be able to do that for all of them. She didn't want to look at her watch and say, Well, I know you want to keep talking, but it's half-past three, and it’s Matisse’s time.
Apollo had taken a risk when he’d told her about his jealousy. It was only fair she share her worries as well. “I've never been in a relationship before. With anyone. I'm going to make mistakes. But you can't gang up on me. I felt cornered, and it sucked.”
“I don't know what to do about it, though.” He put his hand on top of hers. “We all agreed with each other and disagreed with you.”
“Yeah, well…” She couldn't formulate a rejoinder.
“I don't want to make up rules for this,” he said thoughtfully, playing with her fingers. “I want to see how it evolves.” He lifted his head to stare at her with dark, serious eyes, and she could see that he believed everything he said. “Trust me.”
“Don't doubt me,” she countered.
Sighing, he dropped his forehead to hers before kissing her gently. “Are you coming back down?”
“Yes. Let me swallow my embarrassment first.”
“Don't be. Please.”
She took his hand and followed him to the door, hesitating a bit when he got there. “They still angry?” Changing her mind, she held up a hand before he could answer. “No. Don't answer. I'll ask them. You don't have to be the go-between.”
The corner of his mouth lifted, his dimple making a quick appearance before it disappeared again. “Come on.” He led her down the stairs. The guys were still in the kitchen, sitting around the beautiful new table.
Seok stood quickly when she walked in, stalking to her and wrapping his arms around her. “I'm sorry, Nora. We weren’t being fair.”
“I'm sorry,” she answered. “I shouldn't have run away. I promised I wouldn't do that again.”
There was a rough scraping against the floor, and then Cai tugged her from Seok. “We put you in a bad spot. If all of you suddenly faced off against me, I might retreat, too.”
Her hands dropped from around Cai’s neck, and she stepped back, looking for Ryan. Sitting at the new table, his green eyes wary, he watched her approach him, never looking away. When he was within an arm's reach, Nora cupped his face in her hands and kissed him. “I'm sorry, Ryan.”
His hands locked on her wrists, and he pulled her down into his lap, burying his face in the crook of her neck. “I am, too.”
“I didn’t know.”
“How could you?” His voice was exhausted. “I didn’t tell you. And I should have.”
Pushing away, she watched him carefully. From the corner of her eye, she noticed Seok draw out a chair from under the table and gesture to it, but she waited to see what Ryan would do, if he needed her. He seemed to be gathering his thoughts or bracing himself. Maybe both. “It’s easier to talk about it without you looking at me,” he finally said, and she slid into the chair Seok offered.
Her stomach clenched, and acid burned the back of her throat. Had she judged him so badly he couldn’t stand to meet her eyes?
“It’s hard to look in your eyes while I explain what a complete asshole I used to be,” he clarified.
Her relief was immediate, but so was her denial. “Impossible.”
“Trust me,” Cai scoffed. “It’s possible.”
Ready to come to Ryan’s defense, she opened her mouth to argue, but he leaned over and placed a finger over her lips. “While I appreciate your loyalty, believe me; Cai’s right. Ask any of the guys. I had douchebaggery down to a science.”
How could Ryan, her protector, ever have been cruel? What his description suggested was a disregard for other people’s feelings, and if anything, he was always very conscious of his impact on others, waiting patiently for all the facts before forming an opinion. He was not the first to wade into an argument. In fact, there were times where, if she hadn’t been so hyperaware of all of the guys, he could have faded into the background.
“You were actually not an asshole when I met you,” Apollo offered, lightening the mood in the kitchen.
“Fair enough.” Ryan’s voice reverberated through the kitchen. “But that was nearly a year after meeting Seok, Cai, and Matisse, who will tell you…”
“Yeah, yeah,” she rushed him. “You were an asshole. Allegedly. But you’re not now. So…”
“It doesn’t negate the hurt I caused. The lives changed because of what I did.”
“You mean Beau.”
“Yes. But I also caused a million tiny hurts along the way. When I first met Cai, I embarrassed him in front of a room full of university officials. I ruined a night meant to honor Seok.”
“Stole my thunder,” Seok joked.
Her heart ached for her guys. The idea of Cai being embarrassed was too much, and she reached for his hand. He leaned around Seok awkwardly, but didn’t resist when she rubbed her cheek against it before releasing him. “I’m fine,” he whispered.
“And you’re best friends now.” She sought reassurance.
“Like brothers.” At Cai’s words, Ryan let out a breath.
“They’ve forgiven you.” She stated the obvious.
“Of course,” Seok affirmed.
“I didn’t deserve your forgiveness.” There was the tension again.
“Oh, come on!” Jumping up from her chair, she straddled Ryan so she could see into his eyes while she read him the riot act. “That’s bullshit. I know the things you do!” Stopping herself, she clarified, “I know some of the things you do. Interning with Professor Bismarck—”
“Which looked great on my resume.”
She rolled her eyes and continued. “Arguing with financial aid and getting me on a payment plan, fixing things with Dr. Murray, standing up for me against Detective Vance—in a parking lot full of cops.” The other guys steadily held his gaze as he stared daggers at them. “Those are just the little things!”
“He’s done much more,” Seok said quietly.
“Why aren’t you focusing on those things? You made a mistake, Ryan. A big, fucking mistake, but a mistake. I have no doubt you told Beau you were sorry, and knowing you, there are probably a million things you’ve done to make it up to him.”
“He’ll never accept my apology.”
“How can he when you haven’t forgiven yourself?” As she spoke, she realized something. “That’s why you don’t argue, why you observe everything. You’re afraid to act.”
His entire body jolted like she’d electrified him. In one sweep, he scooped her off his lap, slid from beneath her, and pushed away from the table. His shoulders heaved with emotion, and he towered over her, blocking out the kitchen light so his face was shrouded in shadow. “You’d be afraid, too, if you’d sent someone to prison!”
“But you can’t continue to punish yourself!” she countered. “You don’t deserve this, Ryan. You earned law school, but no one will know unless you tell them.”
Face set in stubborn lines, he didn’t respond, making her wonder if he’d heard her at all.
“You have done so much good already, Ryan.” Placing a hand on his arm, she stood and peered up into his face. “Think about what you’ve done for me and imagine what else you can do. This constant guilt? It’s selfish.”
“Selfish?” he exploded. His eyes widened in disbelief and hurt, as if she’d slapped him. It was as if he forgot how much larger he was than her, and he crowded her, towering over her, invading her space until they stood chest to chest. But he didn’t frighten her because behind his bluster was panic.
“Whoa,” Matisse interrupted, obviously not seeing what Nora did, as he put a hand on Ryan’s chest to shove him back.
“What the fuck, Tisse?” Ryan asked in shock.
Wobbling, her balance upset by Ryan’s advance, Nora righted herself and muscled her body between the two boys. Quickly, she wrapped her arms around Ryan while giving Matisse a reassuring glance. “Listen, Ryan. Please. If you’re not a lawyer, you won’t be helping other people like me. If you hadn’t been pre-law, you’d never have been in Bismarck’s classes. If you’d never been in his class, then you wouldn’t have been his intern and never come to the hospital, and I’d never have met you and—see where I’m going with this?”
His arms hung at his sides, and beneath her ear, his heart pounded.
Hug me, she willed. Hug me back. Relief filled her when his arms lifted, but his hug was perfunctory, and he hastily set her away from him.
“I need some space,” he whispered.
Heart lurching, she looked wildly at the other guys. There was a dip in her stomach, a tightening. The space he needed, she realized, was not from the guys, but from her. The palms of her hands ached, but somehow she kept herself from reaching for him. “Of course.” She forced herself to step back and knocked into the table. Someone moved closer, gripping her hand and pulling her close.
Matisse. She held onto him tightly.
“I-” Already he was leaving, walking backward, glancing over his shoulder, running his hand through his hair. “I’ll be back later.” Grabbing his jacket off the chair, he bolted through the door, closing it with a soft click of finality.
“Did he just break up with me?” Her words came out unsteady.
Matisse tightened his hold. “No, cher. I’m sure he didn’t.” But there was something in his voice decidedly not sure.
“Ryan needs to think,” Seok offered his agreement. “This is what he does. He retreats and comes back.”
“He comes back to you.” Her voice shook, and she cleared her throat. “You’re his family.”
“You’re his family, too now.” There was no doubt in Seok’s voice.
“Okay.” Releasing a deep breath, she tried to calm her racing mind. “You’re right. He’s my family now. He can retreat but not for long. If he doesn’t come back, I’m going after him. What time is it?”
Confused, Apollo glanced at the microwave. “Eight.”
“God, it feels like midnight. I’m exhausted. I’m going to go upstairs if no one objects.”
“I’ll walk you up.” Matisse held out a pale hand, squeezing her fingers when she laid her palm against his. With a tug, he led her across the kitchen, allowing her to give each of the guys a kiss. Her lips lingered longer than usual as she touched each of them, memorizing their feel on her skin.