I watch from the window while Cam carries my father’s motionless body to a building next to the house. He’s so gentle with him and all of my mates are there, helping if he needs it.
Why did this happen? How did this happen?
“Dani, sweetheart? Do you want to come away from the window? I’ve made some tea,” Laura murmurs softly, wrapping her arms around me and steering me away from the window.
“Drink this, it will help. Do you want something to eat?” she asks, wringing her hands in her lap.
Shaking my head in refusal, I have a sip of tea trying to be polite but I can’t enjoy it. My stomach is in knots, the last thing I want is food or drink.
“Can we have a moment?” Tim asks from the door.
I don’t know where he went, all I remember is him being there one minute and gone the next. I’m relieved to see him, but it’s shadowed in guilt. He’s here because I’ve completely blocked off my mates. I can smell them from here.
“Dani, do you mind?” Laura asks softly, reaching out to touch my shoulder but stopping short as if she knows I don’t want to be touched right now.
“No, it’s ok. I’m ok,” I tell her, putting fake confidence in my voice. I’m anything but fine and they all know it. Why else would they be treating me like glass?
She watches me for a moment, waiting for me to say something to make her stay and when I don’t, she bows her head sadly before leaving Tim and I alone. I wait, wondering if he’ll get straight to the point or sit in silence for the rest of the night. After what feels like hours, but was probably mere minutes, he decides to speak. “How do you feel?” he asks me, cocking his head to the side, studying me for any sign I’m about to break.
I breathe in deep, trying to hold my self together. How am I supposed to answer that? My dad’s dead. I almost died. My mates took care of my father while I stood by, too shocked to help him. “Honestly, I’m numb. It doesn’t feel real. I keep waiting for him to walk through the door and go ‘this is for having boys in your room. You didn’t think I knew, did you?’ As if his playing dead was some prank to teach me a lesson. It’s something he would do but I know it won’t happen no matter how hard I pray. In the moment when it does feel real, the pain is too much. Like I’m suffocating on my own air,” I gasp out, drowning in my grief.
He’s across the room, scooping me into his arms, offering me his comfort, while my tears fall against his pristine shirt. “Shhh, take it easy. Let yourself be numb if that’s what you want but the emotions will drown you if you don’t let them out. You need time to process everything. Your wolf too.” He lets me scoot back to look into his eyes, the compassion overwhelming my fragile state. He offers me a weak smile. “She’s mourning just as much as you are. And now that you’ve finally connected physically, every emotion you have is going to be three times stronger. It will tear you apart if you don’t take time to grieve,” he says from my side. I can tell he wants to hug me or offer some other kind of comfort but doesn’t want to cross any boundaries or make me uncomfortable.
I wipe the tears from my face, and take a breath to steady myself. “Thank you for letting me have a bit of peace of quiet,” I say gratefully. He smiles at me, his eyes so much like Nate’s that I start to wish my mates were with us.
“That’s what I’m here for. I may not be your father, but I will be damned if I let you go through this pain alone.” His eyes flash with determination before softening again. “I just ask that you don’t hold Laura’s lack of empathy against her. This is new territory for her. She’s never lost someone close to her,” he explains, a sympathetic smile on his saddened face.
I nod, unsure why that matters when he continues, a sad look on his face.
“I however, lost both my parents when I was around your age. I remember people constantly trying to make me feel better when all I wanted was time alone. I needed to get through my pain before I could focus on what others wanted. Your mother helped me get through the worst days of my life. There were times I didn’t want to live on this earth without my parents and Blair helped me through them, one day at a time. Your parents were wonderful people Danielle. I know I’m not your mate and you may not want to yet, but if you ever want to talk, my door’s always open. You should know though, those boys out there, they love you and they feel horrible about what’s happened. I’d bet everything that they’re blaming themselves, just as much as you are. You may not be willing to talk about it now, and no one blames you for that, but don’t cut yourself off from them.
“I cut myself off from so many friends while I was grieving that it felt impossible to get them back,” he continued. “Now, I have a few that I can rely on. Your dad was one of them and my heart breaks for his death. Please don’t do the same. Go, talk to them, avoid talking about your father if you aren’t ready but tell them that. Don’t just block them out.
“As much as I hate to say this, you still have a trial to prepare for and the Elders may be sympathetic, but they won’t postpone it. Your mates are meant to be your rock in times like these, so give them a chance to prove they can help. Now, what do you want to do? Sit in here by yourself, or would you like me to take you to your mates?” he asks, looking at me hopefully.
I don’t know what I want. All I know is, either way I’ll be thinking about Dad’s cremation. How did it get to this?
This time last year, my biggest problem was I hadn’t shifted, we weren’t allowed to be near wolves and school. Now here I am ditching school, hanging around wolves, I’ve shifted for the first time and somehow my father is dead. How does that seem fair? Did I do this?
No one has bothered to explain to me the process of a wolf funeral either. Humans have a casket and get buried in the ground. What do we do?
“I think, I want to be with my mates right now if you don’t mind? Besides they’re probably all getting antsy without me. That’s the real reason you came in here, right?” I ask, smiling timidly.
It feels wrong to be smiling so it probably looks awkward as hell right now. I knew it was only a matter of time before they hunted me down but figured they’d be smarter about it. Not just send Tim in like bait, to see how I’m doing.
He laughs abruptly, “Ha! You got me. Seriously though, Cam’s close to losing it. Come on I’ll take you to them,” he says, offering me his hand. I take it, clasping it tightly for strength, as he leads me to my mates.
We walk down the halls in silence until we end up outside the movie room. What are we doing here? I thought they’d be in one of our rooms, doing something productive but if they’re all in there watching a movie as if nothing’s happened, then I’m going to lose my shit.
I’m getting super pissed off, as is my wolf, when Tim opens the door shoves me in and closes it firmly behind me. Bastard left me to face them alone rather than get involved in my anger.
Mitchell notices me first, and scoops me up into a massive bear hug. “Thank god. We were so worried,” he says, as the others all swarm us, having noticed my entrance. They were moving the recliners in the room.
“What were you all doing?” I ask curiously, trying to push down my anger.
Nate looks around the room, as if he’s just noticed the disarray it’s in. “Well, Dad said we should all stay together for a while, so he had two more mattresses brought in for us. We were just moving the recliners against the wall so we can crash in here,” he admits, a slight pink on his cheeks.
“That’s fine, it’s probably safer,” I respond automatically, glancing around at the changes.
Most of the chairs have been pushed against the wall; two mattresses are already on the floor, plain blue sheets on them while another is still perched against the wall. The mini fridge is gone. The same fridge I got the poisoned water from. The emotions rush me and I crumble to my knees in sobs.
My dad’s gone. He’s really gone.
My mates surround me, offering what comfort they can, while my heart breaks into a million tiny pieces. Cam lifts me into his lap, as I sob. “I feel like I’m dying inside. My heart hurts so much,” I gasp between sobs.
“Oh precious, I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have gone to my father. I should’ve kept you safe from this pain but I failed you,” he says, clutching me to his chest, tears of his own falling down his cheeks mixing with my own.
The rest of my mates gather close, all of us touching as the emotions overwhelm me, while my mates try to take my pain. They can feel my sorrow, and mourn Dad’s loss with me.
We sit like this for what feels like forever, until I gain some control again. I need to know what’s going to happen now. The boys all wipe the tears from their eyes, gaining composure while still offering me comfort.
“So, what happens now? Do you hold a funeral for Dad?” I ask, choking back another sob. It kills me to be discussing this.
Jason gives my shoulder a squeeze, looking over at me with sympathy in his eyes, “We don’t need to talk about this. Just let us take care of it.”
I jump up needing the room to pace, so I can explain. “It’s not that. I need to be distracted. Too much silence in my mind and I see his body lying there, eyes glazed over, skin tinted blue. Every time I blink, I see it, as if it’s burned into my mind. Talking distracts me from focusing, thinking about other stuff makes it go away for that one millisecond of peace. I need not to see him like that,” I beg, hoping they can understand how hard this is on me.
Pete gets to his feet, approaching me slowly, “Okay, Dani. We can understand. I’ll tell you what will happen, if it helps,” he murmurs, encasing me in his arms and holding me close. “Your dad will get a Viking burial. We light a pyre with the body of those of us who fall with honor. You father did the most noble thing any of us could have wished for, he raised you. We burn his body and send his spirit back to his mate, rejoicing in the reunion by going on a pack run. Your father did the packs a great honor by raising you and protecting you until you came back home. Even in his last moments, he saved your life. If you had drunk from the bottle, you would have died too. He protected you even if he didn’t know,” Pete tells me, stroking my hair softly. I breathe in his scent, letting it comfort me as my tears fall.
“When does it happen?” I murmur, pulling away from him, to look at the others gathered around, sadness in their eyes.
“It can happen at any time, though most choose to have it at dawn. Is there something wrong with that? Would you like to do it at a different time?” Jonnie asks trying to please me.
“Can we see if it can be done at midday? Dad loved seeing the sun at its highest. He thought it was a sign from Mom that she was looking over us because she was always happiest in the middle of the day,” I tell them, trying not to get absorbed in the memories that it pushes to the surface.
“I’ll go tell them. You guys stay with Dani,” Cam announces, pushing me into Jason’s arms, running out of the room before any of us can object.
I sit down on the mattress closest to me, shocked at how quickly he left me. He didn’t even bother to say goodbye. Pete takes a seat beside me and the others continue moving around the room, rearranging the last mattress in place. I watch them, moving around as a unit and sigh. My heart is so heavy. I turn to Pete, needing to know how Cam is doing. “Does he really think it’s his fault that my dad died? Or am I just imagining how eager he was to get away from me?”
He rubs his neck uncomfortably before answering me, “Honestly? I think he does. He knows it was his father’s doing but in his mind, it’s his fault for going to him for answers. No matter how much we try to tell him otherwise, he still doesn’t fully believe it.”
Jason joins me on my other side, sinking onto the mattress and pulling me to him for a hug. Laying down on the mattress together, I close my eyes and think of everything that has happened over the past few days.
The trials have started, I’ve met my mates, my grandparents have showed up, Cam and Jake have both almost died, my father has died, it just feels like too much. I’m tired. It leaves me wondering if it was the right choice to come back?
Since being here, more drama has unfolded in the pack than it did before Dad and I moved here. And now, he’s dead because of it.
“Dani?”
“Yeah?” I respond, opening my eyes to look up at Jason.
He grabs hold of my hand, intertwining our fingers, softly sliding his thumb over the soft sensitive spot between my thumb and forefinger. It sends shivers through my body and I instantly feel guilty for it.
“Close your eyes honey. Relax. Let us be here for you,” he murmurs softly against my head.
I do as he says, trying to only focus on the now but it’s next to impossible. If I’m not seeing Dad’s body flash in my mind, I see my wolf looking sad and dejected curled up in the corner of my mind.
“My wolf’s too sad to relax fully. She’s just as sad as I am,” I tell him, my heart hurting for her.
Can you die from grief? It feels like it.
A shadow falls over me and I open my eyes to see Nate hovering over us, “Do you want us to shift? We can all shift and huddle together offering her comfort if that’s what you both need? Just tell us what we can do to help,” Nate says desperately from above me.
I can feel his desire to help me and his frustration not knowing how. It’s heavy in the room. All my mates must be feeling the same right now.
I offer him a soft smile, hoping that I can put him at ease. “I think, I would prefer to shift. She needs the comfort more than I do,” I confess to the room.
Mitchell appears, offering me a hand up, “Alright, go into the bathroom and shift, just leave the door open enough so you can use your snout to open it. We’ll be waiting out here,” he says, letting me get up from the mattress. Pete and Jason both watch me with equal looks of sympathy.
Ever so slowly, I walk into the bathroom, doing just as Mitch said, leaving the door ajar and stripping down until I’m bare. I let my wolf take over my mind until I can barely feel myself any more. We walk out to see my mates shifted, laying in a circle on the mattresses waiting for me. I climb over Nate and Jonnie until I get in the middle dropping from exhaustion.
They all huddle in closer making me feel warm, safe and loved. We all mourn together and it helps heal a part of me that I didn’t realize was breaking, my heart. The only thing that could complete this moment was if Cam were here.