Pull

Dear Brady, I’m sorry I never told you about the baby. It just felt like there was never a good time, and you were so happy with Alyssa. I couldn’t do it. I tried to so many times. The night before you died, I even went to your house. I had this huge speech built up. I was a few months along and knew I was going to start showing. I still hadn’t told Aaron it was you, but I knew I needed to tell you first. I remember ringing your doorbell and then I heard laughter. It was her. It was Alyssa, and I thought, why would I ruin her life for my mistake? I was drunk, you were drunk. It didn’t mean anything, and I was so tired of crying. Of bringing others down with me.

So I left. I remember your confused look as you opened the door. Alyssa came bounding out behind you, you wrapped your arms around her and kissed her, and I knew I made a good decision.

The next day I started bleeding. It was like the baby rejected being inside me. Was it because I was an awful person for not telling the baby’s dad? I never got the chance though. Because the same day our baby died, you lost your life too. I regret not telling you that you were a father, only because I think you would have been a great father, and because you were a great person inside and out. I know you didn’t mean to cheat on her.

You guys had been together for a while. You were inseparable. Alcohol has a way of messing with us, doesn’t it? I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry. But I’m so glad that our baby is in heaven with you. I’m glad you get to be a father, even if I lost the chance to be a mother.

I’m sorry, Brady…

Holly.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! I slammed my hand against the table, causing a slicing pain to radiate from my thumb all the way up my forearm.

After cursing for another five minutes. I grabbed the pieces of paper and ran next door. I let myself in, I mean I usually only did that when Nat was home, but this was an emergency.

I banged on the door to Mrs. Murray’s office. “I have to talk to you. Now!” I was going to freaking lose my mind if she didn’t open the door and — “— Demetri? I’m just finishing up with another client. Why don’t you wait on the couch, okay?” Her eyes narrowed as she took in my panic-stricken face. “Don’t do anything stupid. Just sit and pull yourself together, alright?”

“Right,” I said shakily. I couldn’t sit. I paced in the living room for the next ten minutes, alternating between cursing and wanting to run my own face through the wall.

Finally the door to Mrs. Murray’s office opened up. And because I was currently living my own version of hell, it didn’t seem shocking to have Holly be the girl coming out of the office.

In tears.

She looked in my direction and then down at the papers in my hand. I tried to hide them, instead I froze. She froze too. I wasn’t sure who was more freaked out, she or I.

“You know?”

“No.” I lied.

“You’re lying.”

I gulped and looked down. I couldn’t even look her in the eyes. “I didn’t mean to read it. I was gathering the papers, and it fell and I saw his name and… I’m so sorry.” My voice cracked.

Holly sighed and walked over to me. “Maybe it’s good that you know.”

“How is it good that I know? How the hell is it good?” I was shaking again. Damn, what I wouldn’t do for a drink or for someone to shoot me and put me out of my misery.

“At least you know why I waited to so long to tell Aaron, and why Brady’s death upset me so much. It feels good to tell someone else. Now four people know. You, Sam, Mrs. Murray, and Aaron.”

I knew where this was going. I took a step back, but she took a step forward at the exact same time. “I can’t tell her yet. I’m not ready.”

I wasn’t able to find my voice.

Holly’s eyes welled with tears. “What good would it do anyway? I can’t have her remember him as a cheater. It’s bad enough that Sam knows. Besides, Brady loved her. It was a mistake. I can’t do that to his memory.”

“He’s dead!” I screamed, completely losing my cool.

Holly stepped back.

“He’s freaking dead, and everyone pretends like he was some sort of hero, some saint! She deserves to know what he did, what he did to both of you! He should have taken care of you. He shouldn’t have been at a party when he had a girlfriend, and he sure as hell shouldn’t have been drinking if he was tempted by other girls!”

“I know.” Holly’s chin trembled. “I know this and you know this. But please, just please, don’t tell her yet. You weren’t supposed to see it.”

I bit my lip to keep from cursing again and took two deep breaths. “But that’s the thing, Holly. I did and now I feel stuck. I can’t betray your trust as your group leader, but every time I see her I’m going to feel like I can’t look at her in the face without feeling like I’m betraying her.”

“I’ll tell her.” Holly straightened her spine and sighed. “Just give me some time, okay? I promise I’ll tell her soon.”

“Promise me. Look me in the eyes and promise me.”

Holly didn’t even blink. She stared me down and nodded. “I promise.”

I exhaled. All the taffy in the world wasn’t going to relieve me of the stress I felt at this point. Lame, but I needed to go for a run or something. Get all this shit off my chest.

I looked up to see Holly gone and Mrs. Murray standing outside her door.