Pull

“What’s your current something?” My curiosity was piqued.

“Promise you won’t tell?”

“Who am I going to tell? I just lost one of my only good friends.”

“Valid point.” Alec’s fingers flexed across the ledge. “A groupie contacted our agent and said I got her pregnant.”

“Babies everywhere,” I muttered.

“Right.” Alec closed his eyes. “Nat didn’t talk to me for two whole days.”

“Verdict still out?” I asked.

“Yup. God, what I wouldn’t do for a cigarette right now or a drink.” Alec laughed. “It’s like I’ve turned into you.”

“Very funny.” I was still heartbroken but I managed a smile.

“I wish someone would have warned us when we were kids.”

Alec frowned. “Warned us?”

“About how exposed life is. When you’re little the biggest complaint you have is when you’re going to get your next meal, or if you can stay up late and watch TV. As you get older things get more and more serious. You realize that death is inevitable, people fail you, and those you love will always leave you.”

“Not always.” Alec put his arm around me.

“Right, I’m touched. We have each other. Excuse me for not being thrilled over the fact that the girl I love just jumped on my heart and ran me over with a car.”

We watched the waves in silence.

Alec finally spoke up. “It will work out. She’s just hurt.”

“So am I.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Cry?” I offered. “Yell? Scream? Throw a fit? Get high?”

Alec crossed his arms.

“I’m going to fight for her. I’m going to fight every damn day I have breath in my body, and if I die trying than at least I died loving someone with every part of my soul.”

Chapter Thirty-one

Alyssa

Numb, I walked the two miles to my house. The lights were off, meaning my parents were probably already in bed. For the first time in years, I wished my dad would have been waiting for me. I wished they would tell me what to do. My damn heart was breaking and I didn’t know how to fix it.

It felt like everything that was so secure beneath me just crumbled beneath my feet. As if the life I’d lived these past few weeks was a giant joke.

I threw my shoes across the room and sat on my bed, putting my head in my hands. Tears dripped from my cheeks onto the floor.

I should have known something bad was going to happen what with all the smiling I’d been doing lately. Sniffing, I wiped my cheeks and looked up at my dresser. The packet Sam had given me was sitting there with the sticky note still on it.

Well, my night couldn’t get any worse.

I quickly changed out of my dress and into sweats and grabbed the packet from the dresser. With a deep breath, I opened the packet and frowned.

It was one of those moleskin notebooks. The red leather cover was slightly faded. With shaking hands I opened the first page.

July 19, 2010 Sometimes I wish she knew how much I loved her. Every time I get ready to say it, I choke. The words are there, the feeling is there, but it’s like I freeze up and then start to panic. I mean, are you supposed to find the love of your life at the age of seventeen? If she only knew how much it freaked me out. I mean, the other day I found myself wondering what our kids would look like.

I can’t tell anyone but Sam, and even then he thinks I’ve lost my mind too. But, it’s killing me not being able to share that part of my soul with her. At the same time, I wonder if she’ll reject me. All the shit I’ve done is ridiculous, and the worst part is even though I love her, I still do things I know I shouldn’t.

Yesterday she asked if I ever did drugs. I laughed in her face and shook her off. Later that night I got high with Sam and Connor. I felt terrible afterward, but she doesn’t know what it’s like to have all that pressure. I’m just thankful that the football coach turns the other way.

My mom’s calling me for dinner, and I gotta go find Alyssa so we can hang out before the carnival. Sometimes I feel so confused.

Tears streamed down my face as I flipped ahead a few pages. One of them was marked. I wasn’t sure if it was on purpose or not.

September 1, 2010 I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I feel like shit. It’s the second time in a year that I’ve cheated on the girl I love and I didn’t even remember it happening.

Alyssa picked me up last night from the party. I’m sure I was a mess. Sam said I drank a lot. I don’t really remember much except for Holly crying and me comforting her and then, well… an hour later I woke up in bed with her. I must have blacked out.

I threw up for ten minutes before dialing Alyssa’s number. I meant to tell her everything, to say what a complete screw up I was. But the minute I heard her sweet voice I chickened out.

It was the only time she saw me drunk. I still felt pretty wasted by the time she dropped me off. Apparently all I needed was a little liquid courage because the minute my feet touched the concrete I turned around and told her I loved her.

I’m a piece of shit. I told her I loved her for the first time only hours after having sex with someone else.

I started to cry, and then I felt worse because I knew she took the tears for passion when they were tears of regret.

If I could take that day back I would, but I can’t. And I can’t take back the time before that. The drinking is out of control. The partying is getting to me, but I’m selfish. I’d rather keep this from her than tell her.