Pull

Because if I tell her then I lose her, and I can’t lose the only woman I’ve ever loved.

October 27, 2010 I love her. With every fiber of my being. I love her more than life. I know I’m probably going to hate myself for this later, but I’m going to tell her before I leave for school. I have to tell her the truth, and if she rejects me, then at least I know I was completely honest with her before I took her heart away with me to school.

I dropped the journal to the floor. Something fluttered out of the pages. Leaning over, I picked it up.

A picture of me and Brady. We looked so happy. His smile was wide and beautiful. I was tucked under his arm like a football, and he was swinging me around.

“Why? Brady?” I threw the picture to the floor and sobbed into my hands. Why did he cheat? Why didn’t he tell me? Why wasn’t I good enough? I had so many questions. Ones that I knew I would never ever get the answer to. Which made everything so much worse!

How could he hurt me like that? How could he betray me?

Did he only cheat twice? And what made those girls more worthy than his own girlfriend? Than a girl he supposedly loved?

I jerked up when I heard something knock against my window.

Demetri was hunched over, looking like he was going to tear open the window or throw a rock through it if I didn’t move quick.

I sighed and walked over to the window and opened it.

He was so beautiful. His blue eyes were wide with concern as he reached out and pulled me into his chest. The tears clouded my vision so much that I was afraid I was going to pass out again.

“I’m so sorry, Alyssa. I’m so so sorry.” Demetri rocked me back and forth and then scooped me up into his arms and laid me across the bed.

Without thinking I reached for him and crushed my lips against his. His groan was desperate as his hands went to my shirt and lifted it over my head.

Yes, this is what I needed. To forget everything but Demetri.

“God, you’re beautiful.” Demetri stared at me reverently as his hands moved across my hips. I was feeling so many sensations at once. As if just one tiny touch from him would shatter me into a million pieces.

“I love you.” He knelt down in front of me and kissed my stomach. “I love you too much to do this right now.” He stood up and went in for another scorching kiss.

What did he mean too much?

I reached for his shirt and tried to lift it over his head. He wouldn’t budge. I tried again, this time our tongues tangled until I was out of breath.

“Sweetheart, you’re going to kill me.”

“What’s wrong?” I stepped back suddenly feeling insecure about the fact that I was shirtless.

“Nothing.” He chuckled and then cursed. “And everything.”

I held myself tighter wishing I could disappear into the floor. “You’re just like him! I hate you!”

“Whoa.” Demetri stepped toward me. But I jerked away.

“Leave me alone!”

“No.” Demetri grabbed my elbow and threw me onto the bed covering my body with his. “I can’t just leave you alone. I love you.”

My body was numb again as I gazed up at Demetri. “He said he loved me too.”

Demetri froze, his breathing was heavy. “It’s not the same.”

“It is the same,” I said through tears. “It’s the same damn cycle and I can’t seem to break it. You’ll get bored with me. He did and he wasn’t famous. You’ll get tired of me and then you’ll leave me, just like him.”

“It wasn’t Brady’s fault he died, Alyssa. He didn’t mean to leave you.”

“You won’t either.”

“Damn it, Alyssa! Do you hear yourself? When are you going to stop running?”

Shuddering, I looked away. “I think you should go.”

“I can’t.”

“Go!” I sobbed. “Please, just… go. I need time.”

“It’s not me, it’s you. You need time. You need space. You want to take a break. Sure I’ve heard the speech before. I hate that I’ve heard that speech so much, but let me ask you one thing.”

“What?” I gulped, was this the last time I would touch him?

Feel his skin against mine?

“The love you felt for Brady, is it the same you feel for me?”

Goodbye, Demetri Daniels… “No.” I shook my head as a few stray tears fell down my swollen cheeks. It was more. It was better, but I couldn’t say that. I couldn’t let Demetri know how much of my heart he held, because I wasn’t sure I could trust him not to take it and never give it back. I was already a mess. I was a hundred different shades of angry. I was broken.

“Right.” Demetri closed his eyes for a few seconds before releasing my arms and walking over to the window. “You need to know something…”

“What’s that?” Just leave already so I don’t take it all back!

“I’ll never stop.”

“Never stop?”

“Loving you,” Demetri said sadly. “I won’t stop. You can hate me forever. Shit, I’ll even take all the blame for what Brady did to you. I’ll take it on my shoulders and I’ll bear that burden for you.

So if it helps, hate me, despise me, curse me… If it helps you heal, then I’ll be the punching bag. Just know that every time you curse me, my answer is I love you. Every time you hit me, my answer is I love you, and every time you close your eyes, I’ll still be loving you.”