THIRTY-THREE

Sometimes you let her battle, and other times you battle for her.

Roar

“Some more risotto?”

I look up from my plate to find Gwen handing the pot across the table. I grin at her, taking the serving spoon and adding another pile to my plate.

It’s my second serving and I already know that unless someone else finishes it first, it likely won’t be my last. This stuff is fucking delicious.

When Leelo first mentioned the risotto Gwen was cooking for her belated birthday dinner, I have to admit I was a little worried. I’m not one for fancy food, it didn’t even look all that appetizing when I first looked down at my plate, but it sure as hell tastes good.

“This is great, Gwen,” I mumble around a mouthful and watch as a pleased blush stains her cheeks. So much like her mother.

Things have been a little awkward since we all came home early this afternoon. I don’t think I’ve ever had this many bodies in the lodge all at once. Charlie was already here, and so was Patti, making sure the guests were looked after. Bill and Gwen were the ones who drove us home.

I could tell right off the bat that Leelo’s girl felt out of the loop, unable to get a handle on all the different dynamics playing out in this crowd. She seemed confused by Patti, and kept looking back and forth between her and me. Calling my mother Charlie didn’t help things either, and when Bill pulled open the fridge and got out a beer, handing one to Matt, she was completely lost.

Leelo noticed, and tried to quietly get her up to speed, but that seemed to irritate Gwen more than it helped.

Bill left immediately after he finished his beer, promising his guys would drop Matt’s truck and Leelo’s Jeep, which were still at the motel, back here some time this afternoon. Patti didn’t hang around long after that.

Things had settled down since then, with Matt heading to the spare bedroom for a nap, Leelo and I relaxing on the couch in the living room, and Charlotte disappearing into the kitchen to see what Gwen was up to.

Rick called earlier to let me know that all of our crew had been pulled and were on their way back home, and one of the guys was driving my truck. The weather had really played a huge factor. After an intense thunderstorm last night, the rain had started and it had come down steadily overnight. Today there was little left of the fire but heat pockets that required watching in case of a flare-up.

We just said goodbye to Charlotte, who was rushing to get home before night settled in. She hates driving in the dark.

“So is someone going to explain how you went from moving north to fix up an old motel, to hosting the shootout at the fucking O.K. Corral?” Gwen asks, sitting down hard after clearing the plates from the table.

“Language,” Matt mutters from the other end of the table and I have to bite back a chuckle.

“Hush,” Leelo admonishes him before turning to her daughter, a look of disappointment on her face. “Honestly? I didn’t do anything. I didn’t invite it, I didn’t cause it, and I didn’t host it. I just showed up and landed in the middle of this mess.”

I watch as Leelo’s sharp tone hits home with her daughter. I don’t think she’s heard it much.

“I didn’t mean—” she starts, but Leelo cuts her off with a sharp shake of the head.

“Maybe not, but it’s a habit of yours. Jumping to conclusions that aren’t usually in my favour. There were a few times, I’m not ashamed to admit, you were dead on in your negative assumptions, but that was a long time ago and it’s not fair that you’re still making me pay for those. Especially since that kind of accountability only seems to apply to me.”

Gwen drops her head, shoves her chair back from the table, and beelines it out of the kitchen without a word.

“Shit,” Leelo hisses, moving to go after her, but I catch her wrist.

“Give her a minute. I have a feeling that was brewing for a while.” I reach up and wipe a tear from under her eye.

“I know, but I was harsh.”

“Had to be said, Mom. After all these years, we all have to own up to our part in the dysfunctional mess our family has turned into.”

Leelo’s eyes go big and her mouth falls open in surprise at Matt’s insight, and this time I chuckle out loud. Matt, a little sheepishly, joins in.

“Not just brawn, but brains on this one too,” I tease him, earning me a punch in the shoulder and a muffled, “Shut up.”

“I should go check on her.” She looks in the direction Gwen disappeared.

“Let me,” I offer. “I think I might actually be able to help.”

-

“I didn’t even know your mother, never laid eyes on her before, and I was dead sure I had her all figured out.”

Other than a slight stiffening of her back, Gwen doesn’t show any response when I find her sitting at the end of the dock, beside my boat. I kick off my leather sandals and gingerly lower myself beside her, sticking my bare feet in the surprisingly chilly water.

“She was lying spreadeagled on a roof to keep the rain from damaging her motel, terrified to tears in the middle of a thunderstorm. But she didn’t let go.” I grin and shake my head at the not-so-long-ago event. “I believe I may have called her an irresponsible fool or some such thing. Whatever it was, it wasn’t flattering. I tried so hard to try and find fault with her over the weeks that followed, but was drawn to her at the same time. Drove me nuts. Until I realized the reason I was so desperate to see her in a negative light was because I instinctively knew that this was a woman who would have the power to hurt me badly, if I let her. I’d been taking out my own insecurities on her.”

I keep my eyes out on the water, even when I feel Gwen’s gaze on me.

“Are you implying I’m insecure?”

I really have to work hard at not rolling my eyes, because this is a typical knee-jerk reaction from someone who is insecure and is doing their best to cover it up.

“No,” I answer, patiently. “What I am saying is that perhaps it’s easier for you to focus on your mother’s possible shortcomings, than it is to risk getting hurt by her again. If you always assume the worst, you can never be disappointed, right?”

“She done some really stupid things,” Gwen says softly.

“I’m sure she has. She’s forty-six, I’d be worried if she hadn’t. I’ve done my share, and I’m probably not done. You’ll have plenty of opportunity to do your own stupid things, and don’t think you won’t,” I tell her, nudging her shoulder with mine.

“Yeah, but like you said, getting on that roof in the middle of a thunderstorm, who does that?”

I chuckle, understanding where this girl is coming from, but also appreciating the other side of that particular coin.

“Actually,” I try explaining. “Your mother on that roof? She wasn’t being irresponsible. She wasn’t up there just blindly defying the horrible odds and taking unnecessary risks. Your mother was up there hanging onto her dream, the only way she knew how, in that moment. It’s easy to judge from the safety of the shore, if someone who is in the water, drowning, is taking all the right steps to prevent it. Try being the one in the water.”

“Right,” she confirms with a little nod.

“That’s what your mom’s been doing here these past months, just absorbing every damn hit that came her way. Every time she’d take it on the chin, shake it off, without barely even breaking stride.” I tilt my face to her and catch her watching me intently. “Don’t judge her for the things she’s done wrong—see her for the great woman she is, not afraid to take risks, make mistakes, and brave enough to take full ownership of the life she’s creating.”

I’m a little worried when I see Gwen’s eyes glisten with unshed tears. Going with instinct, I wrap my arm around her narrow shoulders and tuck her close; well aware I might be crossing into dangerous territory. Luckily, instead of twisting off my testicles, she snuggles closer.

“My dad’s an asshole,” she sniffs against my shoulder.

“So I gather.”

“Mom is actually pretty great.”

“No argument from me on that either.”

“You may have a point,” she says finally, after a long pause, and I wisely decide to refrain from editorial comment on that one. Good move, since right after that, she pushes my arm off and climbs to her feet. “If you breathe a word of any of this.” I press my lips hard together to stop from chuckling when she waves her arms around. “To anyone,” she adds, sticking a finger under my nose. “I know ways to end you.”

I grin as I look over my shoulder and watch her saunter back up to the lodge, with more attitude than should fit that skinny body.

I like her.

She’s more like her mom than she realizes.

Leelo

“Are there flights from Toronto to Wawa?” Gwen asks.

I look up from the website I’m now completely revamping.

“I think Sault Ste. Marie is the better bet, probably. I think if you keep an eye out, you might find some good deals. I can always pick you up, or Matt will.”

“I don’t really want to drive back tomorrow,” she says, and I close my laptop, turning to face her.

“I don’t really blame you,” I admit. “It’s a really long drive. It may not be a bad idea to fly next time, it might be worth the few hundred bucks.”

“Mom?” She pulls out the chair next to me and sits down. “Are you ever going to come visit me in Toronto?”

This kid, she kills me, sitting there with her eyes cast down, her fingers fiddling with the edge of the table runner.

“Of course I will, why do you say that?” I assure her, covering her restless hands with one of mine.

“But there’s so much work to be done here, and after that you’ll have guests all the time. How are you ever going to get away?”

“Summers might be tricky, but winters shouldn’t be a problem; the only thing that’ll stay open is the restaurant and the motel units, and from what I hear, there’s not going to be a run on those during the winter months,” I point out. “It’s just a matter of organizing, Sweetie. Planning.”

“Right,” she responds pensively. “Maybe next year, when you and Matt have settled in a bit more, I can see what there is in my field a little further north. I’m thinking maybe Sudbury? Or Sault Ste. Marie?”

Throwing all caution to the wind, I grab both her hands and turn her to face me.

“Whatever you want to do, make sure you do it for you. Not me. Not your brother, or your father, but for you. If living in Toronto makes you happy, then that’s where you should live and we will make it work. If you want to give Sudbury or the Soo a try, then by all means do. Heck, even if it turns out you want to head west and try the Rocky Mountains, do it—although, I should probably warn you that I might cry. My point is that you focus on what’s best for you, because in the end that’s all any of us can control.”

I take a deep breath and quickly let go of her hands when she starts fidgeting, as I knew she would. My girl is not one for overt affection, but I’m not ashamed to sneak some in when I can. I watch as she silently gets up and walks away, I know she’ll be thinking about what I said. Turning back to my computer, I flip up the screen, ready to work on my website some more when I feel two arms wrap around my neck.

“Love you, Mommy,” my girl mumbles in my neck, barely giving me a chance to answer her back.

“Ditto, Gwenny. You make me so proud.”

-

Roar did his fish fry tonight.

Insisted that since he ate Gwen’s fancy stuff, gourmet food, the other day, he should be able to introduce her to the full Jackson’s Point experience, and that includes a fish fry.

Well, Gwen wasn’t too keen when she discovered it meant the fish would be caught fresh and cleaned on the spot, instead of bought from the frozen section in the grocery store.

Despite her initial misgivings, Gwen stepped up to the plate, like I knew she would, downing four entire fillets, feeding only little bits and pieces to Ace, who of course took up his usual spot under the table.

“We should go out on the boat when it gets dark tonight,” I suggest when we’ve burned off the remains of dinner.

My comment draws a strange look with raised eyebrows from Roar, making me laugh. Since that night he and I went out on the lake under stars, all I have to do is mention the boat and he thinks I’m talking about sex. The tension has really been ramped up since we haven’t touched each other, other than to kiss, since we were released from the hospital. A combination of our respective injuries and kids, who somehow both ended up staying at the lodge with us these past few days.

“I’m game,” Matt readily agrees, jumps up, and starts walking down the dock, pulling Gwen along. “You know they’ve got the best stars up here?” he says to his sister, who just snorts.

“Same damn stars, Einstein,” she laughs, giving him a little shove toward the water.

“Good idea, Sunshine,” Roar rumbles in my ear as we follow the kids to the boat, his arm around my shoulder. No physical labour for either of us for a couple of days at least, but no one said we couldn’t go out on a boat.

The kids have taken their respective seats on the bow benches, battling for a prime spot with Ace, who was not going to be left behind, and I carefully step down into the boat and sink into one of the captain’s chairs, grateful for the added padding it offers.

With the engine at a relatively low throttle, Roar directs us north, and for a moment I think he’s going to turn into the inlet he took me to before. Oh, he winks at me suggestively, but ultimately passes it by.

“Tease,” I accuse him.

“Damn right,” he admits freely, on a grin. “Just keeping the interest high until I can get you back there.”

“I don’t know exactly what you guys are talking about,” Matt calls out from the front. “But whatever it is, I’m pretty sure we’re not supposed to hear it.”

“Oh God,” Gwen blurts out, clearly disgusted, and I burst out laughing.

“Watch,” Roar suddenly says, pointing at the sky ahead after we coast quietly for a while.

“Is that—” Matt starts, not finishing his sentence.

The rest of us just stare at the very faint, green and yellow light dancing along the horizon.

“Aurora Borealis,” Gwen sighs.

“Northern Lights,” Matt corrects.

“Same thing,” I mediate, and Roar just chuckles.