Chapter Twenty-Five
Justin lifted Charlotte off her feet and swung her round. “Yes, it’s me. How fortunate you should come here!” he exclaimed delightedly.
She couldn’t believe her eyes. “But— How did—?”
He laughed and swung her around again. “I’d been cudgeling my brain to work out how to let you know I was here. I’ve been lurking, hoping some small child might saunter past whom I could bribe to deliver a note.”
She pushed herself out of his arms and waited until the world stopped spinning. “Oh Justin, you’re safe!” For now at least. Oh, this was a disaster of the first order! “Have you lost your mind? Whatever possessed you to desert?”
His grin didn’t waver. “Did you not get my last letter? It explained everything.”
“Good heavens, I never thought you’d actually do it.”
“I’d risk anything for you, you know that. And God, I hate the army.”
He’d come for her? That was the last thing she wanted to happen, and also the last thing she felt able to talk about. “How did you manage to get here in once piece, all the way from Scotland?”
“It’s a long story, my angel, but you shall hear it in time. I confess I’m hungry and weary from the journey, but I daresay, seeing you is all the food I need. It’s like manna from heaven!”
This was not good. She didn’t want him to think of her in that way. “We’ve plenty of food at home,” she said.
“No, I daren’t come with you. Not yet, anyway. They may be looking for me.”
“Could you have been followed all the way from Scotland?”
“I doubt it—there aren’t the resources. But a letter or dispatch can be sent easily enough to the local militia with my description. I just hope there’s no bounty on my head. Or if there is, it’s not generous enough to tempt anyone.”
“Perhaps you should go to Dorchester. It’s a big place, and you can lose yourself in a crowd, whereas you’d soon be spotted in a small village like Fortuneswell.”
And Rafe would find out about Justin, which could cause any number of complications.
Justin seized her hand. “But I had to see you, my love. I couldn’t bear to wait. Don’t send me away when I’ve only just arrived.”
My love. The words clattered discordantly through her mind, and she pulled away. “Please don’t call me that, Justin. It’s been a long time.”
His smile wavered. He took her by the shoulders and turned her to look earnestly into her eyes. “It’s only been a few short months,” he said. “Though it felt like an eternity. Why can’t I call you my love?”
She looked away, dreading to see the pain in his eyes. “You know why,” she said. “All association between us is forbidden. I wasn’t allowed to leave the cottage for months after our plan to elope was discovered.”
“But we don’t care what our families say, do we? Nothing should be allowed to stand in the way of true love. I reach my majority next year—then no one can keep us apart.”
“Oh, Justin!” She buried her face in her hands. Had he really done this, deserted the army and put his very life at risk, just to be with her again? It was too much—she didn’t deserve it.
And she didn’t want it.
At what point her feelings had undergone such a sea change, she couldn’t be sure. But she didn’t love him now. She wasn’t certain she ever truly had.
How was she to break this news to him, when he’d come all this way, putting himself in mortal danger?
She looked up into the blue eyes she’d once likened to the sea on a cloudless summer’s day. Once, her heart would have sounded a loud tattoo in her chest when she saw those eyes.
It didn’t now.
Once, her lips would have ached for the touch of his.
They no longer did.
Once, her fingers would have yearned to be taken in his and clasped to his heart.
That time was past.
She had to face the fact her feelings had changed—and so had she. She was no longer a lovesick girl. She was now a woman who’d undergone hardships and overcome them, who’d experienced feelings she’d never before dreamed of, and known the intimate touch of a man who stirred her very soul.
Her one-time sweetheart stood before her, young, handsome, fresh-faced, and still with that poetic, romantic soul she’d once so admired. But now she felt no more for this youth than friendship, or the love a sister might have for a brother.
For, youth he still was, even though she could see that military life had hardened him, made him leaner, stronger, and more manly. The look in his eyes had changed—it was more penetrating, more determined than she remembered. But he still had the rounded, boyish cheeks she’d once pressed her lips against, the same full mouth that had uttered words so poetic they’d won her heart.
“What is it?” he demanded anxiously. “You’re so distant. What’s happened?”
God forbid he should find out! She said, “Nothing. I suppose I’ve grown up a little. There are some things I cannot countenance. Eloping is one thing, but deserting from the army is quite another.”
He gave her a gentle shake. “Don’t say you think me a coward!”
“No, of course not. No coward would have taken such a risk to return to their home and their former sweetheart.”
He frowned at the word “former,” then said, “You call me fool, then?”
She shook her head. “Not at all. It’s just…I’m desperately worried about the consequences of what you’ve done.”
“Don’t worry about me,” he replied. “I can change my appearance and my name, and go where no one knows me. I shall find myself a profession. I’ve learned some useful things in the army, like cooking, the use of powder, how to clean guns, make shot, draw and read maps, and care for horses. As soon as I’m well set up and safe, I’ll send for you, and we can be man and wife.”
No! This was getting worse and worse. She had to stop him, no matter what.
“But what if I don’t want to marry a criminal?” she said. “What if I don’t want to wed a man with a price on his head?”
He stiffened and released her, stepping away. It cut to the quick to know she was hurting him, but for weeks now she’d barely given him a thought. The fire of her love for him, which had once filled her world from horizon to horizon, had died.
No, another man’s attractions had eclipsed Justin’s. Rafe’s attentions, like a comet blazing a trail across the night sky, had dazzled her and filled her very being.
Clenching her fists, she strove to resurrect the feelings she’d once had. She knew Rafe could never be hers—she wasn’t sure she even wanted him after he’d used her as he had—so why couldn’t she accept what was being offered to her now? She’d once thought she loved Justin. It might take a little while, but surely she could rekindle that feeling?
Except…she feared that was impossible now. Having felt the touch of a real man, she would never again be satisfied with that of a boy.
“Forgive me,” Justin said. “My sudden appearance has quite overset you. I’m asking too much all at once. I must let you become used to me again. I know I’m no longer the same man that went away. Please, just give me a little time, and I’m sure we shall deal as well as we did before.”
“But Justin, don’t you see? I can’t give you time! You must be gone from here at once. You’re in danger from the forces of both good and ill in this neighborhood.”
“What forces?” he asked with a frown.
“No, I cannot tell you, for another man’s life may depend upon it.”
“You don’t trust me?” His eyes shadowed with hurt.
“Of course I do. But the less you know, the less your peril will be. Besides, if the army’s looking for you, surely your sweetheart’s house will be one of the first places they look. You’d better stay here for now, and keep out of sight while I work out what to do.”
“I can look after myself,” he said staunchly. “I’ve been doing it long enough. Who’s this other man you mentioned?”
“Bear with me, for I think he might be able to help us. He’s very well connected, and he owes me a great favor. Please, just lie low, and as soon as I can, I’ll bring a basket of food for you.”
He made a move toward her, but she stepped briskly away and headed for the barn’s open doorway. “I’ll be back as soon as I can,” she called over her shoulder. “Speak to no one, not even the village children. Nobody can be trusted right now.”
As soon as she was out in the sunlight, she had to force herself not to race back to the path. When she reached it, she was shaking.
It had been an enormous shock to find Justin hiding out in the remote barn. It was an even greater shock to discover the drastic turn her feelings had taken.
After Rafe’s lack of trust in her, she was sure her opinion of him could sink no further. And yet, he still affected her more deeply than the man she’d once been head-over-heels in love with. If she could overlook Rafe’s faults to such a degree, there could surely be only one explanation.
She had fallen foolishly, hopelessly, utterly in love with Rafe Pomeroy, Earl of Beckport.
A man who didn’t trust her. And if he didn’t trust her, how could he ever love her back?
Not that it mattered. Even if he did care for her, they could never marry.
Because he was quite right not to put any faith in her. She was unworthy of his trust. She still hadn’t told him the ugly truth about herself.
Knowing Rafe, he was bound to find out, sooner or later.
Then he’d hate her.
And that would truly tear her apart.