Zoe led the way into her bedroom as though it were the grand tour of the White House and they were entering the Oval Office. It felt momentous, like the moment held a certain reverence.
Beyond the odd plumber or repairmen, she’d never had a man in her apartment, far less her bedroom, since she’d lived with Sean. The only wiener she’d had in her bed was the four-legged kind. And maybe she’d had it wrong up until now. Maybe the answer wasn’t swearing off all men for the rest of her life, but was about finding the right man at her own pace. One step at a time.
Levi had said he’d wanted more. For Zoe, this was so much more than she’d ever thought she could give again. And it felt good. Maybe good enough to find even more within herself to give.
Zoe turned on the bedside lamp and plopped Freddy down on the bed. “I’m just going to get into something more comfortable. And by that,” she said, “I actually mean something more comfortable. There’s a spare pillow in that cupboard over there.”
She headed for the washroom, but then she heard a creak of a door behind her and her stomach dropped.
There was a pause. “What the…”
She lunged for the wardrobe. Slamming the door shut, she braced herself against it. “Not that cupboard.”
But it was too late. Because by the mixture of confusion and amusement on Levi’s face, he’d already seen what was hidden inside. There was a moment when he just stared at her, like are you serious?
A smile tugged at his lips, as though if he’d seen what he thought he’d just seen, he was going to burst out laughing. And just to be sure, he reached behind her and gently pulled on the door until she gave in and stepped aside.
What was the point? He’d already seen it.
“Are these … Fuzzy Friends? I remember these from when I was a kid.” He picked up Happy Hippo. “I didn’t even know they made these anymore.”
“Well, they’re not just for kids, you know,” she said defensively, snatching it back. “They’re collector’s items too.”
But he gave her an eyebrow arch that said he wasn’t falling for it. He picked up Tricky Turtle. “You know they lose their value once you open the package, right?”
“They never came in packages,” she said. “And this cupboard protects them from both dust, and UV light, and—”
“Zoe. Stop. Stop.” Levi kind of laughed and sighed at the same time. “Come on. Let me in.”
Zoe ducked her head. She was doing it again. She was shutting him out. Putting on her cool persona, both emotionally and physically. The ice queen. “You must think this is pretty silly.”
“No, I don’t,” he said with the biggest smile she’d ever seen on anyone.
“Then why are you looking at me like that?”
“Because beneath that tough exterior, beneath all those layers of armor you’ve built up”—he tapped her chest—“I’m starting to get glimpses of that soft, fuzzy, bean-filled center beneath. I feel like I’m finally getting through. Not that I’m pushing or anything.” He threw his hands up and took a step back. “I’m being pushy again, aren’t I? I’m sorry. I just”—he sighed—“I really like you. The bits of you that you’ve let me see, anyway.”
She made a noise like she was about to say something, but nothing came out. It had been so long since she let anyone this close.
“How can I get in there?” He tapped her chest again. “See what’s inside?”
“Oh, they’re called buttons,” Zoe said. “See, you just slip this round thing through this hole—”
He held a hand over hers to stop her from undressing further. “You know what I mean.”
She nodded. “It doesn’t come naturally. Not anymore. Just be patient. Give it some time.”
“Does that mean you’re giving me the time?” he asked. “That you finally know what you want?”
“I know that I want to try,” she said honestly. “I’d just convinced myself for so long that being alone was the best thing for me. That I’d be happier that way. You were right. I was scared.”
“I’m sorry I pushed you so hard. I guess I thought you could take it. You didn’t seem like a woman who would be scared of anything. But I should have let you come to that conclusion on your own.” He stared down at his feet as he chuckled. “I guess I’m not a very patient man.”
“You grab life by the balls.”
He gave her a surprised look. “Exactly,” he said.
“But you know, I’m not the only one hiding behind a mask,” she said.
Levi’s eyes widened. “What? I know you don’t mean me, because I’ve been annoyingly me right from the start.”
“Oh, I’ll agree to that.” She laughed. “Your mask is more literal. The nail polish? The makeup? The piercings?” Zoe tugged lightly on his eyebrow ring. Under the light pressure, it came away in her fingers.
She gasped, dropping it in surprise. “I’m so sorry!”
However, when she glanced up to assess the damage, there was no blood. There weren’t even piercing holes left behind. Just two red marks where the ring had been.
Zoe bent down and picked up the metal hoop at their feet, but it wasn’t even a complete ring. It had a chunk missing. She wrinkled her nose in confusion. “What?”
“You’ve caught me.” He reached up to the spike in his upper ear and pulled it apart like two magnets. “I’m a fake.”
She gaped at him. “They’re not real?” Now she knew why they seemed to move around his face all the time.
He shrugged. “I’m not a big fan of pain. I know I’ll never get a tattoo, that’s for sure. But I have used some stick-on ones. It was pretty bad ass,” he joked.
But she wasn’t laughing. She was still staring at the ring in her hand. She finally asked, “Why do you do it?”
“I guess I’m trying out some new looks,” he said. “Seeing what suits the whole rocker vibe. I need to fit the part, right?”
“I don’t think your fans care about what you look like. They care about your music, and your music is amazing,” she said honestly.
Levi bit his lip and sat on the end of her bed. “But what if that’s not enough?” he asked her, but he was staring at his painted nails. “What if I’m not enough?”
The words tickled at a memory. Zoe recalled what he’d said about his ex-wife. I guess I just wasn’t enough for her.
Grabbing his earlobe piercings, she pulled them off impatiently and tossed them on her dresser. She slid her hand into his and dragged him into the bathroom where she took out her nail polish remover pads.
The acetone stung her nostrils as she began scrubbing his nails, one by one. Levi watched her with an amused look on his face, but never said a word.
When his nails were clear again, she handed him a makeup remover pad. Levi glanced at it and chuckled, but then she gave him a look and he dutifully turned to the mirror.
Wiping away the dark eyeliner, he washed his face and patted it dry with a cloth. When he finally turned back to her, he was less dark and brooding, less intimidating, and just as handsome. But now she could see all of his handsome face. All of Levi. He might have even passed for the boy next door.
“There,” he said. “Are you happy? Is there anything else? Maybe my jeans, perhaps?” He reached for his fly, but for once, her focus wasn’t down there.
Placing her hands on either side of his face, she stared at him for a moment until he shifted uncomfortably, maybe feeling as naked as she sometimes felt beneath his piercing gaze.
“It’s more than enough,” she said.
“So what does this mean for us?”
Zoe bit her lip. She wished she could say what he wanted to hear, but in the end, she turned away. “I can’t make you any promises. I can’t tell you that I’m a forever girl, that I suddenly believe in ‘till death do us part.’”
He grabbed her arm and gently forced her to face him. “I’m not asking for a promise of forever. Just a promise of more.”
She searched his hopeful eyes. “More than what?”
“More than a night.”
And it was surprisingly easy for her to say, “I can do that.”
“Then that’s good enough for me.” He held her face and kissed her. “For now.”
She kissed him back, relieved that they were on the same page. That she could even be on a page at all and for it to feel right. And kissing Levi felt so very, very right.
He pulled back and returned to her cupboard. “Look. We can pretend that I didn’t see any of this until you’re ready for me to know that stuffed-animal-cupboard side to you.” He tossed Tricky Turtle back inside and shut the cupboard doors firmly. “See? What collection of stuffed animals?”
Zoe snorted. Despite her racing heart, she opened the cupboard again. Reaching in, she drew Courageous Cat out. “This was the first Fuzzy Friend I ever received. He was a gift from my dad. He gave it to me on my first day of elementary school and said it was to give me courage. I used to take him everywhere with me.”
“You can tell.” Levi rubbed the ratty fur.
Zoe pointed to the back of the wardrobe. “That’s Merry Mouse. Dad gave him to me the day I won my first spelling bee. Noble Numbat was for graduation. Lucky Lynx helped me through my grandmother’s death.” She continued to point out each one as she went. “Broken arm. Passing my driver’s exam. My first broken heart. He gave me this one after my wedding day.”
She grew sad as she considered the meaning behind each one. The collection was a furry representation of all the biggest life moments that her father had been there for. She swallowed hard before closing the doors.
“My dad was a pretty stoic man, the strong silent type, you know?”
“Yeah, I know.” He gave her a pointed look.
She relented with a little shrug, but continued. “It’s not like he always knew what to do or say during all the good and the bad times, but he remembered how much I loved my first Fuzzy Friend. It became his way of showing me he cared, even long after I was too old for stuffed animals.”
She sat down on the bed and Freddy instantly wormed his way across it to seek out her attention. Levi sat down next to her, barely blinking, like if he moved, if he spoke, if he blinked, this more open Zoe would disappear.
“When my dad died, I felt so lost in my grief,” she told him. “I didn’t know how to deal with it. I’d already started shutting people out after my wedding the year before, bottling things up. When I searched for something to help ease my grief, I didn’t know what else to do but buy a Fuzzy Friend.”
“So you collect them,” he said. “That’s not strange at all. People collect all types of things.”
“Well, I do more than just collect them. Sometimes I use them as a way to help lower my stress or anxiety during situations. I carry them around in my purse and I…”
She paused, trying to think of exactly what she did or why. She automatically reached out for Kissing Koala and began to rub its soft fur. She couldn’t look Levi in the eye as he listened to her try to explain.
“I guess knowing it’s there is comforting,” she said. “Maybe it’s my way of remembering all of those other hard times”—she gestured to the wardrobe—“knowing that if I got through them, I’ll be able to get through whatever it is I’m currently facing, you know?”
She finally managed to meet his intense gaze. He was nodding, a look of understanding on his face.
“That sounds exactly like a worry stone,” he said. “Some people keep a stone in their pocket, and any time they begin to feel stressed out, they reach in and touch it. In fact,” he said, “I always have my lucky guitar pick in my pocket during gigs. I never use it. I just like knowing it’s there.”
“So you don’t think it’s stupid?”
“Of course not. But you know”—he glanced back at the wardrobe and then lowered his voice as though the fuzzy bags of beans could hear him—“you could talk to someone when you have a bad day instead of a stuffed animal.”
Zoe laughed. “I don’t talk to them. I just, you know, hold them.” She rolled her eyes at the ridiculousness of it. She’d never actually said it out loud before.
But Levi wasn’t laughing. “You could talk to me. I’d like to be there to support you.”
“I guess that wouldn’t be so bad.”
His nose wrinkled. “You guess?”
“Well, we’ll have to see,” she said in mock seriousness. “Tonight is your audition.”
“Now I’m nervous. And me without my lucky guitar pick.” He repositioned himself on the bed, sitting up straighter like he was in the middle of an interview. “How am I doing so far?”
“Not bad, but I think we definitely need some snacks. I haven’t eaten in hours.” Zoe grabbed her stomach. “I’m pretty sure they were trying to starve a confession out of me.”
“Snacks. Okay, I can totally support you in this endeavor.” He hopped to his feet, ready to snack her.
“Great. I’ve got some food in the kitchen. Why don’t you dish something up while I go wash the jail off me?”
“Are you sure you don’t need support in the shower too? Because I can totally be there for you if you do.”
Giggling, she waved him away. “I’ve got this. You get the snacks.”
Levi grabbed her, nuzzling her neck. “But you look good enough to eat.”
His stubble tickled her and she squirmed and slipped out of his arms. Yet, she wanted nothing more than to stay wrapped in them, to feel his facial hair tickle over the rest of her body. Suddenly, she was afraid that sleeping wouldn’t be enough that night.
Ducking into the bathroom, Zoe shut the door, smiling to herself, something she didn’t think she’d be doing after the day she’d had. Stripping out of her clothes, she jumped in the shower. When her hand twitched toward the massaging shower head, she turned the water temperature right down until she got a blast of cold.
Just sleep, she reminded herself. Just sleep. But even that had her breathless with excitement.
She felt like a whole new person. Or maybe just a whole person. By opening up herself, it was opening up all new possibilities. She’d shut herself off to men for so long, to the idea of finding someone new. But now, she almost felt giddy with hope. It made her want to shout or dance, to grab life by the balls.
She considered how she’d gotten to that point in such a short time. Levi had strolled in and turned her life upside down. Or maybe right side up. It’s not like she didn’t have plenty of men chase her over the years, so what was it about Levi that drew her out of her shell? More like punt-kicked her out of it.
But maybe that was it. Maybe she just needed the push. A push from the right person.
Once she felt the last of her day wash down the drain, and those immediate sexual urges subside for the time being, she climbed out of the shower. As she was brushing her damp hair, she heard a knock on her front door. Or rather, she heard Freddy bark and howl like a clan of ninjas had broken in, so she knew someone must be at the door.
Throwing on a robe, she slipped out of the bathroom. As she made her way to the entrance, she heard Levi open the door.
“Hello,” he said.
“Is Zoe home?” The familiar male voice hit her body like a tsunami. She reached out for the wall to steady herself.
Fighting the desire to bolt, she put one foot in front of the other. She had nowhere else to go. This was her home, after all. So what the hell was he doing there?
“Yeah. I can go grab her,” Levi said. “Who can I say is here?”
But Zoe already knew before the door came into view. “Sean?”
“Zoe.” Her ex’s eyes briefly ran over her robe before flicking to Levi in an unspoken question.
Levi shifted uncomfortably. “I’ll just go finish up in the kitchen.”
He disappeared around the corner to give them privacy. But Zoe could clearly hear the gentle clinking of dishes from the kitchen, so she knew he’d be able to hear them.
Finally, Sean spoke. “Zoe—”
“Sean, what are you doing here?”
He hesitated in the open doorway. “After I saw you the other day, I don’t know…” He held his breath, like the words just wouldn’t come. “I just had to see you.”
She crossed her arms over herself, aware of how underdressed she was. “Why? You haven’t needed to see me for six years.”
“It’s not like I didn’t try, at first.” He took a tentative step inside her apartment, like the fact that she hadn’t kicked him in the balls meant she was willing to talk things out. “I called, I e-mailed, I wrote, I popped by. You wouldn’t talk to me.”
“You left me standing at the altar.”
Sean took another step forward. “But if we could have talked—”
“There was nothing to talk about,” she said, much slower this time. “You left me at the altar.”
“I had my reasons. If you just let me explain—”
“Unless it was that you were being held hostage by pirates, I don’t want to hear it.”
But he tried anyway. “I was young and stupid—”
“You got that right,” she snapped.
“And I didn’t understand what it was I wanted or what I had.” Sean’s hands rose as though he wanted to touch her, to hold her.
She flashed him a severe warning look, and they dropped to his sides.
“I took you for granted and I’m sorry. I freaked out.” His forehead creased as his eyes filled with pleading. “I’ve always regretted that day. I’ve always wondered … Wondered what it would have been like if I’d turned up.”
She wrapped her arms even tighter around her body, like she could hold in all the things he was trying to bring up again. The things she thought she’d pushed down inside a long time ago. “Why are you telling me all this now?”
“Because I thought that was all in the past, and then I saw you the other day, and it was like a sign. It all came rushing back to me.” He shook his head, as though trying to sort out his thoughts. “Look. I know we can’t start over, but God … I don’t know, Zoe.”
Zoe wasn’t sure if this was all very funny or not, but she suddenly had the urge to burst out laughing. Or maybe crying. No, yelling would definitely have been better.
“What about Chelsea? You’re marrying her.”
Sean pulled a face. “I called it off. Please.” He fell to his knees in front of her. “Just give us another shot. Just a date. Coffee even. Some place we can start over.”
He inched closer, reaching for the hem of her robe, but Freddy seemed to sense that Zoe wasn’t enjoying her visitor. He began to growl and snarl, hackles raised as he crouched between them.
Zoe’s shocked gaze was so focused on the prostrate figure before her that she hadn’t noticed the man in the hall until he spoke.
“Zoe? What is this?”
She blinked at the newcomer as though the accent didn’t give him away immediately. “Taichi. What are you doing here?”
“Your mother said you were home. She told me that I should come to see you.” He looked from Zoe to Sean and back again, trying to make sense of it.
Hell, so was she.
Sean pushed himself to his feet, blocking him from entering the apartment. “Well, you’ll have to come back, pal. We’re kind of in the middle of something.”
It annoyed Zoe how he spoke for her. As if she were a child. As if he had any more right to be there at that moment than Taichi. In fact, Taichi had more right.
Taichi scowled at Sean, straightening up like he was actually taller than her ex, not five-foot-seven. “And who are you?”
“I’m, well…” Sean hesitated. “I’m hoping to be her boyfriend.” At this, he turned a hopeful gaze at Zoe before turning back to Taichi. “And who the hell are you?”
“I am her fiancé.”
Oh God, he said it. She slapped her forehead.
“Fiancé?” A hushed voice asked behind her.
Zoe spun around. Levi stood there with a bowl of chips and dip in his hand. Her focus had been so consumed by the two men at her doorstep that she’d nearly forgotten he was even there.
But Levi’s focus was entirely on her. “You’re engaged?”
“Who’s he?” Sean and Taichi asked.
The hurt in Levi’s expression suddenly faded until it was hidden beneath a cool mask. “I’m nobody.”
“Levi, I—”
Shaking his head, he put the bowls down and slipped on his shoes. Without a backward glance, he left.
Zoe couldn’t move. She couldn’t speak, not even to tell the two men arguing back and forth in her doorway to shut up and leave. All she could focus on was Levi’s angry footsteps thumping down the hallway, hoping they would slow, hoping she would hear them change direction and come back this way.
Zoe pushed past Taichi and Sean, stumbling into the hallway. “Levi, wait!”
She headed after him, running down the hall, robe swishing around her thighs. A neighbor poked their head out of their door and shushed her. Then they took one look at her and gasped.
Her hair clung to her neck and face in wet tendrils. Her robe flapped open, giving them a glimpse of her naked body beneath. She hadn’t even bothered to put on a pair of shoes.
Zoe scowled at them as she barreled past, ignoring the shocked look they gave her, like she’d absolutely lost her mind. And if she let Levi get into his van and drive away, she worried she may never find it again.
Her footsteps echoed in the stairwell as she chased him down to the exit, her bare feet slapping with each step. One hand on the rail and one hand keeping her robe shut, she flew after him.
She rounded the next landing and saw down to the doors. A glimpse of his backside gave her hope that she could catch up. The doors slammed shut before she could yell after him.
Stumbling down the last few steps, Zoe shoved the front door open and lurched onto the sidewalk. She hissed at the cold on her bare feet and the cool night air sweeping around her legs.
The last time she’d felt this desperate, this helpless, had been on her wedding day, when her entire future had blown up in her face. All the plans, the promises, the hopes, and dreams were tossed away by the individual she’d trusted most in the world. Like they were garbage. Like she was garbage.
But it wasn’t the same at all. That day, all those feelings, the grief, the resentment, the humiliation, and rejection had burst out of her because the one person she needed most in the world had betrayed her. But now that she’d finally found someone she needed more, he felt betrayed by her.
She rounded the corner of the alley and spotted Levi climbing into his van. He slammed the door and started the engine.
“Levi, wait!” she screamed out. She ignored the pain and cold in her feet as she pushed herself harder, faster.
But then the engine revved, and the van took off. Suddenly she was just a crazy person wearing nothing but a robe in a dark alley, screaming a man’s name. Zoe was alone.