The consistent click-click-clicking of my pen opening and closing halts with the appearance of Gio.
“No.” A bored tone and a bold eye, I respond, “When are you going to stop asking me that?”
“When you and Luke get back together.” He steps inside my office, taking a seat in front of my desk like he does all the other twenty times in a day. Crossing a leg over the other, Gio holds my gaze just as bold as my own.
Except, I lack the humor that sparkles in his warm brown eyes.
“It’s been three days. When’s the last time you spoke with him?”
“Sunday night.” I toss my pen with too much force. It skips across my desk, smacking into the monitor. “When he text me about having breakfast with his brother.”
“Can’t blame him. You stormed out and the next thing he hears, you’re getting cozy with Brady.”
“Okay, one, you sound like the other little gossips in Calusa—”
“I’ll fit right in when we move there.”
“Two, I stormed out of Luke’s house for good reason.” The two fingers I have raised turn in to flailing hands. “And lastly, we are not moving anywhere.”
“Good reason at the time, but not good enough to break up with the guy.”
“He lied!”
“No,” he shakes in denial. “What he did was different than liars lying. And mark my words, you’ll find a job and be living in Calusa before the new school year. Then I’ll have to find a new job down there, because I’m not driving two hours one way every day like I’ll convince Matt to do. He makes fantastic money at his restaurant. He can afford the gas bill.”
“You have all that planned out like its been in the works for awhile.”
“That’s because it has. After I met Luke I knew you wouldn’t be here for much longer.”
“But you told Della you’d give me a crazy raise I couldn’t refuse.”
“I said that just to get under her skin.”
“Damn.” Kind of looked forward to a fat raise. “Not sure if I should feel more disturbed you’re following me to a new town, or happy that you are because I love you and Matt too much to lose contact with you.”
“The feelings mutual, babe. Did you even notice you used moving as present tense?”
“I-I…”
“Mm-hm.”
“You’re my friend. You’re supposed to be on my side. Not Luke’s.”
“I am on your side. And getting back with Luke is what’s best for you. He could move here instead of you moving there, but I’m still going to push for you guys to reconcile.”
Sunday afternoon I received a text from Luke. My heart jumpstarted, reviving itself at the mere thought he was going to try to fix things we both screwed up. The two hour drive home with nothing but my thoughts as company made me wonder if I overreacted. Never would I condone secrets between us again, but we had a lot to learn about each other.
I still needed my space. Space is what I’m used to. Being left alone with my worries and challenges has been my life for a long time. And Luke needed to learn the impact of keeping secrets from someone you loved. If I gave in and caved every time we reached an impasse then we’d be that couple ten years down the road not knowing how to communicate in a relationship at all.
Not that I’m perfect either. I had a lot to learn being a part of a serious relationship too. Like not running when it gets hard.
But Luke only texted me that afternoon for one reason. Stephanie and Jessica got word out to Della about Brady and I having breakfast with our daughter. Sitting alone, smiling, yada yada yada. They told a tale of hearts and rainbows. Della retold every detail to Luke.
The fact that he questioned why I was there with Brady, instead of asking for the truth, cut me deep.
It turned all my pardonable thoughts on the drive home sour. I hopped out of the frying pan filled with my tears, and straight into a fire of anger. He chose to listen to Della again over me.
My dad is back home, and soon I’m going to be talking to him about moving here to Tampa.
Despite what Gio thinks.
“I won’t be in a relationship with someone who lies or believes what others tell him over me.”
“Couldn’t agree more. The Della strings need to be cut.”
“Thank you,” I say with oomph.
“She can’t be all bad, Liv.” He grows soft and serious. Eyes smiling as he gets me to see the other side of anger. It works swiftly.
Shedding the final, tense ropes I’ve wrapped myself in, I fold my arms along the top of my desk and thump my head down with a sigh. “Della’s nosy and has no boundaries, but it’s because she cares so much. I don’t want to paint a bad picture of her.”
“Oh, no, I’ve been around a couple of times when you spoke to her. Trust me, she’s the artist on that project.” My head rolls to the side at his response. “What I mean, she can’t be all that bad if you are friends with her. Because you, Olivia Benson, are a great judge of character. You’re strong, a wonderful mom, and always putting others needs before your own.”
“Gio.” I sit straight, pursing my lips in a wobbly smile. “The truth is I don’t have friends. How can I be a good judge of character when I don’t give anyone the chance to be my friend? Della was my last true friend and I fell in love with her boyfriend. I couldn’t even summon enough energy to try and make friends with the people we work with. Until you.”
“Honey, the people we work with are absolute bores.” His eyes widen with understanding. “You think Matt and I have a long list of friends? We don’t. The people we tried hanging out with love the party life. We want a family. You and Brielle are like our family now.”
“I’ve always thought something was wrong with me. If it’s this hard to find friends then what am I doing wrong. I considered myself a good person. The people I tried hanging with when Brielle was a toddler didn’t want a kid around. I was so alone.”
“Well, you’re not anymore.”
I reach a hand out. He sets his large palm over mine.
“Luke was my best friend,” I say in a quiet, teary-eyed voice.
“Is. Not was. Luke may have lied to you, but he’s not a liar. Liars do it to make themselves look good. They lie for selfish reasons. Luke withheld the truth because he thought it was better for you, not him.”
“I miss him.”
“What are you going to do about it?”
I wanted Luke. I wanted love and friends and family. I want to be in Calusa with him and my dad and even Della.
I want to chase after the life I’ve been searching to find this entire time.
Leaving Calusa six years ago is what was best for me then. Running home to Luke is how I want to spend the rest of my days. Every day, right to the arms of the only person who has made me feel like I could be the real me without reserve.
Luke was either giving me the space I needed, or letting me go. Either way, it’s time for that to end. I had to be the one to fix things. After all, I was the one who ran away for the second time.
“I’m going to talk to Della.”
“Okay. Not what I thought you were going to say,” Gio trudges.
“I can’t move forward with Luke until I fix things with her.” Fix isn’t the right word, per se. We can’t change who we are, but I believed the same girls who became friends in elementary school were still inside us. I needed her in my life. To others she’s pushy and vain and I’m one of the few in this world that knows how to tolerate it. The important part is that I’m willing to tolerate it. I just had to be reminded, is all.
“You want me in here as back up in case she goes on the defensive?” Gio asks with full support.
“I’m not doing it by phone. I’m gong to Calusa.”
“Right now?”
“Yes.” I stand, chair spinning round and round at the speed I stood.
“Liv, it’s eleven o’clock. Everyone is at work. Including you.”
“Connor’s busy on that new account he thinks will change the entire dynamic of the company. He won’t notice I’m gone. I’ll be back tomorrow.”
“You sound exactly like him.” He gave me a sketchy look.
“That’s because he walks around chanting those same words likes it’s a ritual.”
“I’ll know you’re gone, and I’m technically your boss.”
“Okay.” I pause on shoving my belongings in my bag to stare down at him from above. “What do you want more? Me and Luke back together, or me sulking at you the rest of the week because I’ll have to wait till the weekend and by then he may have made up his mind and not want me back at all—”
“Dammit, woman, that’s low. You know I’m a romantic.”
“No, you’re a horny perv, but your boyfriend is a romantic and will kick your ass when you tell him you made me stay at work.”
“Ugh! Go!”
Running around the desk, I lean down and quickly kiss his cheek. Almost out the door he stops me.
“Wait. What about Brielle?”
“I’m going to stop by and get her real quick.”
“Horny perv that I am,” he says, pointing to his lap “You are going to want nakey nakey time with Luke when you make up. I’ll pick her up when I get off. Matt and I will watch her until you get back.”
“Thank you thank you thank you.” I jog back to where he remains in front of my desk, grasping his cheeks and kissing him even harder.
“Go get our man!”
I’m laughing and shaking my head as his voice flies through the halls, making it more difficult to sneak out undetected.
~~~
As I sped down the interstate, taking full advantage of the passing lane and making it the speeding lane, I text Della asking her to meet me for lunch. Turns out she’s home today with a sick Ethan. Breaking laws that I never do when Brielle’s in the car, I made it to Calusa just over an hour.
Della offered to make us lunch when I arrived at her house, but I declined. That was my excuse to see her when I thought she would be at work. Now I only want to talk and get to Luke as quick as possible before I had to drive back home.
She carried two glasses of sweet tea to the living room where we took seats on the couch. I watched her elegance as I fiddled with my hands, stringing my fingers together. Floral yoga pants with mesh cut outs zig-zagging down the side, and matching bright lavender tank top. If someone were to spring a quick visit on me during the day while I took care of a sick child, they’d find me in a baggy tee with rips and stains.
Polar opposites. Despite all the odds, though, she’s my best friend.
“Did you come straight from work?” She asks, taking in my black skirt and green silk blouse.
“Yes.”
“Where’s Brielle?”
“My friend Gio is going to pick her up after work.”
“Oh. Luke didn’t mention you were coming down early for the weekend.”
“He doesn’t know.”
“So a surprise visit. That’s sweet.” She smiles, sipping her tea.
My heads tilts in query. “You don’t know, do you?”
“Know what?” She leans forward, about to set her glass down.
“Luke and I broke up last weekend.”
“What?!” Della’s stunned expression takes over her entire face, body, and hands, causing the cold brew to spill all over the table and rug beneath it.
I’m shocked as well. Luke hasn’t told Della something, for once.
“When? Why?” She spits out.
“The night after you left.” I relax in to the cushion at my back. “He told me everything. About you and Paul and Ethan; how y’all lived together for awhile.”
Della’s flabbergasted enough over this piece of news that she doesn’t bother trying to clean up the sticky mess.
“Liv, that’s why I pushed like I did that night. I wanted you to know everything, but I didn’t want it to split you and Luke up.” She stares at me with imploring eyes.
“It wasn’t because of you, Della. That was all me.”
“All I wanted was for him to see that keeping you in the dark was hurting you more.”
“He did realize that. It’s why he told me. It just took me a little longer to see reason.”
“I don’t understand. Why would you break up with him over something from the past?”
“My problem wasn’t with what happened, but his lie. I asked him before that night if you and him…were together ever again. I had my hunches y’all were, but for different reasons.”
“What do you mean?”
“I thought you still had feelings for him,” I say carefully, watching every word set and rise like a new dawn.
“Liv, god no! I’m in love with Paul,” she practically shouts.
“I know, but Della, even after you and Luke were done he remained in your life. You treat him like he’s still your boyfriend sometime.”
“That’s not true,” she straightens defensively.
“Della,” I say bluntly.
“Okay. I may have manipulated some of his relationships in the past, but never with you.” She sets a hand between us on the soft fabric of her couch, eyes trailing her fingers as they fiddle with a piece of lint. “After what happened, with Ethan not being his son, he was hurt and all I wanted to do was fix everything I screwed up. Paul forgave me. But Luke had no one.”
“I was a little jealous of you,” I admit. “The way he confides in you and discusses these important decisions with you over me drove me nuts.”
“Liv, that’s more me than him. Don’t blame Luke. I’ll back off,” she pleads. Then eyes twinkling with humor, she says, “You may need to put me in my place a few times, but I’ll get the hang of it. Just don’t leave him. He’s so in love you.”
“It’s wrong, but I’m grateful every day that I fell in love with your boyfriend,” I smile with my confession, staring into my full glass of sweet tea, sweat dripping down the sides and onto my fingers. “I haven’t felt like myself in a really long time, and Luke makes me feel it. I’m everything I’ve ever wanted to be when he’s by my side.”
She swallows hard, green eyes brightening. “I wanted to do everything possible to keep you around. I’ve never had another girl friend like you, Liv. They don’t like me all that much.”
She shrugs, nonchalant, and I can’t help but to laugh a little. Catching on, she joins me in the self inflicted ridicule of how alike we are with our lack of friends. See, nothing is wrong with us. It’s the rest of the world’s problem.
“He doesn’t know I’m here,” I say with the laughter dies off. “I wanted to see you first.”
“I need to back off. Got it.” She nods, but I can see the wheels still turning. I’d put good money that Della is weighing options on how she can help get Luke and I back together.
“Not just for that,” I go on. “I want you and me to be okay. I can move back and be in love with Luke, but none of this life will be the same if I don’t have you as my best friend. I needed to cleanse myself of the thoughts I’ve been having and hope that you can still accept me.”
“I’ve held onto some resentment, as well. Not because you and Luke fell for each other, but because you left me. I was ready to move out of my parents house and get that apartment with you, Liv. To help you with the baby. You thought of yourself as a burden and took off without consulting me. I never saw you as a burden. When you talked about being all alone in Tampa for these last six years, I wanted to shout at you because you didn’t have to be.”
“But I did, Della. I needed to go my own way. I was tired of handouts and pity and feeling so lost. You don’t know what it’s like to feel unstable. You have great parents and you knew the career you wanted to take right after high school. All I knew was that I wanted better for my daughter and the only way to get it was to break away from what was safe. Safe doesn’t always mean it’s the best plan for someone.”
“I’m not as brave as you, Liv. Maybe that’s why it was so hard for me to understand your reasoning.”
“That’s not true. Bravery isn’t determined by the circumstance. Living life to the fullest is what is truly spectacular.”
Resting her arm on the back of the couch, Della smiles at my words. “I take it you being here in the middle of the week is your way of filling more holes in said life?”
“If that’s a euphemism for getting Luke back, then yes.”
“Can’t go wrong with a naked surprise.”
“Oh my god! You and Gio are going to get along great.”
We fall back on the couch, laughing just like the old days.