I never knew that it would be so difficult to be unemployed. I’ve never not worked before. Even though I seemed like a slacker growing up, not paying much attention in school and turning in many homework assignments late, I spent all of my free time working on computers. And once I started Owl, that’s pretty much all I’ve been doing. The idea of working for forty hours a week was pretty foreign. I typically put in at least sixty hours. But the thing about doing something you love is that it doesn’t really feel like work. Sometimes it does, you get tired and need a break. But most of the time, the work itself fuels the sleepless nights. If I couldn’t sleep, I would just get up and work through it.

And now? Well, now things are different. I’m not allowed to set foot in my company. I stopped contacting people who I considered my closest friends because most wouldn’t respond to my emails and calls. In a matter of a few weeks, my whole life has been hijacked. Taken. Kidnapped. All I’m left with is a huge severance package and a signed non-disclosure agreement promising never to talk about any of this again.

Poor me, right? God, all of this makes me sick to my stomach. I’m actually complaining when there are lots of people out there who get fired without so much as a good-bye. They aren’t given millions of dollars of their company’s money to just go away. When they are told to get the hell out at Christmas, they get to go home wondering how the hell they’re going to afford their kids presents that year and pay rent. Or their health care insurance payment.

I know that I’m incredibly lucky, but I still can’t help but feel like shit. I walk around my apartment and suddenly hate the cold, modern way in which it’s decorated. When I first hired the woman who did it for me, I loved this look. Contemporary and rich. Everything is a tone of silver, white and grey. But now the place just reminds me of a hospital. And not even a hospital, the morgue. The sterility of this place makes me sick to my stomach.

I’m lost. I’m not ashamed to admit it. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with myself now. Owl was my life for all of my adult life. How am I supposed to just pick myself up and start something else? I guess I could get a job. But who the hell is going to hire a washed up CEO who got fired from one of the biggest start ups around? Besides, I’m pretty unqualified for basically every position out there. And that’s not even mentioning the fact that I don’t really need the money.

No, the only way forward with any of this is to start something else. But the thought of that is too daunting to consider. I’m still mourning what I had lost, or what was taken from me. And I don’t mean just Owl.

I try to focus all of my thinking on the company because thinking about her is just too painful. I made a horrible, irreversible mistake for which I know that she will never forgive me for. I hardly forgive myself for it. Breaking off my engagement with Ellie was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. I want her back more than anything. I should’ve told her how I was feeling. I should’ve opened up to her about everything that I’ve been going through. But instead, I acted like a coward. I pushed her away. And now it’s too late. She has probably moved on, or she will very soon. She’s gorgeous and kind and when she walks into a room, she lights it up. Frankly, she deserves a lot more than me. She deserves someone outgoing and patient and loving. Someone who will treat her like the queen that she is, rather than cause her pain. She deserves someone who isn’t a fuck up, someone who has their life together. I mean, what can I really offer her besides money? My eternal devotion and love, yes. But is that enough to get past all the shit that I come with as well? I don’t know.

My buzzer rings. It’s John and Annie and I let them up. They storm into my apartment like a hurricane, carrying bags of takeout and sweet gifts. I can’t resist grabbing a cupcake from my favorite place down in Chelsea and stuffing it in my mouth. John is one of the Vice-Presidents from Owl, a guy I’ve known since I first hired him straight out of Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Annie is his fiancée. They’ve been together since high school. They are one of those couples that have never broken up once and have been eternally and blissfully happy since they first met. Annie’s parents went through a bad divorce so the fact that they are only recently engaged is all of her doing. John has told me that if she had let him, he would’ve married her after their senior prom.

John and Annie are here to make me feel better. John complains about work and how busy things are at Owl and the bad direction that they’re taking under the new CEO. I appreciate his efforts, but I doubt things are really that bad. Annie dances around the topic of Ellie without coming straight out and asking about her. When she finally does ask how I’m dealing with the breakup, I can’t help but lie. Even though they’re my close friends, how can I just come out and say that life isn’t worth living without her?

“I have an idea!” Annie announces after we are all sufficiently stuffed with Chinese takeout. “Why don’t we all go out dancing tonight?”

John starts to protest immediately, to say that he has two left feet would be an understatement. But Annie insists. It’s up to me to break the tie. I’m about to say no, when for some reason I agree.

“Yeah, sure, why not?” I say with a shrug. I don’t really know what has come over me, except that the idea of staying home and staring at the television screen for another night is not something that I can handle.

“What? Really?” John asks.

I shrug.

---

***

A few hours later, when they pick me up in the cab, we are all dressed to impress. John is still in shock over my agreement to go.

“You’ve been in such a funk lately,” he says. “What made you change your mind?”

“I don’t know. Just reached that point, I guess. Like that line from Shawshank Redemption - Get busy living or get busy dying, right?”

We arrive at the club that Annie has picked out a few minutes later. Though there’s a line of people waiting in the cold to get in, the bouncer recognizes me and waves us through. It doesn’t hurt that Annie looks amazing. Her long blonde hair catches every ray of light, her strapless gold dress and four-inch heels accentuate her curves. She puts her arm around my shoulder as we walk in and whispers, “It’s going to be okay, Aiden. Everything is going to work out.”

I nod and give her a small smile. John is a very lucky man and not because Annie is so hot. She’s thoughtful and sweet and loving. In this moment, I would give anything to switch lives with John just so I could have with Ellie what he has with Annie.

Suddenly, someone runs into me. I get spun around and turn back toward the entrance. That’s when I see the glimpse of her. I can’t be sure it’s her, but I have to find out.

“I’ll be right back,” I mumble and take off after the girl running from the coat check line.

This can’t be her. What would she be doing here? No, I’m wrong and stupid for even thinking this. When I step outside into the freezing cold, I see a girl kneeling down on the pavement. Her head is buried in her arms.