On a boat?” asks Jamie.

“Yes,” I say, laughing. Cole is taking a nap and Tristan is at work, so I have the house to myself while I roam on my cell phone and talk to Jamie. I managed to get the week off from work while I figure out what to do with Cole, so I’m way overdue on my dose of Jamie.

“A BDSM club on a boat?” she asks again, as if I wasn’t clear enough the first time.

“Yes. But it was really classy. It wasn’t like some casino boat or something.”

“Hm,” she says. “Did he mention how much the membership fee was? Maybe I should check this out.”

I laugh. “Somehow I think it might be just out of your price range.”

“So are you two like an item now?”

“Well,” I say, chewing my lip. “He left for work before I was even awake this morning, and I was half-asleep on the drive home. So we really haven’t talked much since the boat. Honestly, I don’t know what he made of it all, but he did say it would just be for the night.”

“But he meant the sex, right? You said you two kind of had a connection. It sounds like he might be wanting more if that’s the case.”

I sigh. “I don’t know what he wants. It’s like he has armor on all the time and I’ve only seen through the chinks a few times. There’s a good guy in there, but he seems to go back and forth on whether he wants me to know that or not.”

“What about you?” asks Jamie.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, are you still planning on taking the kid and running when this is all over, or are you starting to think you might want to stick around and be Mrs. Billionaire?”

I roll my eyes for my own benefit. “You make me sound like a gold-digger when you say it that way. And no. Well, maybe. I don’t know is the answer. I’m still not sure what I want. Every time he leaves the house I feel like I get my senses back. I start thinking I’ll just focus on Cole and the adoption and I’ll stop letting Tristan cloud my judgment. Then he comes back here and it’s like someone flips a switch upstairs in my head.”

“You like him,” she says slowly. “You liiiikeeee him.”

“You can be such a kindergartener sometimes. Of course I like him. But that’s not the question. The question is whether I think he would make a good enough father to seriously consider a relationship.”

“You do realize most people don’t start thinking about whether guys would make good fathers before they start dating, right? Not really, at least. It’s not all-or-nothing. You just date the guy for a while and if it’s going well, you keep dating him. If it’s going badly, you break it off. I still don’t see why you try to make it so complicated.”

I want to shut her down, but I realize she’s not wrong. “I don’t want to mess this up, Jamie. I’ve got a real shot at adopting Cole if this all works out. It’s what I’ve wanted for years.” I shake my head and bite at my thumb nail. “I don’t want to mess this up,” I say again more quietly.

“What if letting Tristan slip through your fingers is messing it up?”

“Since when are you the voice of reason?” I groan. “You’re supposed to just make dumb jokes and agree with whatever I say.”

Jamie lets out a long breath. “Steph,” she says in such a serious voice that it gives me chills. “I can be an idiot sometimes, but I care about you. You’re my friend, like it or not, and I want you to be happy. I want you to be over the fucking moon happy. So give Tristan a chance. You can still make everything with Cole work, but don’t shut Tristan out. Okay? I swear to God I’ll come up there and shove a sandwich down your throat if you don’t listen to me,” she says with sudden ferocity.

“Jesus,” I laugh. “A sandwich? Did you miss breakfast or something?”

“No, but I’ve been trying to wait to have my lunch for the last hour now and it’s killing me a little on the inside.”

“It’s ten in the morning, Jamie.”

“Yeah, well my stomach doesn’t have a clock, so fuck you very much.”

I sigh. “Thank you for the advice. I’ll try to take it.”

“No. You will take it. Sandwich in throat. Don’t forget.”

“That’s probably the lamest threat you could make, you realize that right?”

“I’ll slather it in mustard first.”

“Okay, okay. Don’t get crazy now. I’ll… I’ll give Tristan a chance.”

I hang up the phone and set it down on the counter as I stare out the patio windows of his house. For all my talk, I don’t even know if Tristan wants more from me. Maybe last night didn’t feel like anything special to him. He might come back tonight and pick up where he left off ignoring me every chance he gets.

“I’m hungry,” says Cole from behind me.

I jump like a startled cat, making him giggle gleefully.

“You scared the bejeezus out of me, Cole,” I say with a breathless laugh.

He does an impression of my jump, putting his little hands up over his face and bulging his eyes as he screams.

I plant my fists on my hips. “Very impressive. You better start working on your acceptance speech for the Oscar that performance will win you.”

“Oscar?” asks Cole.

“Never mind,” I say with a grin. “What are you hungry for?”

“Mackie cheese!” he says, giving himself a round of applause as if it is done and decided already.

“Mackie cheese it is then.”

Once I have Cole sat down with his bowl of macaroni and cheese, I lean against the counter and watch him eating. It’s only then that I make the connection between what Tristan told me last night and why he took Cole from his father’s house.

He was afraid the same kind of abuse would happen to Cole. The realization sends goosebumps down my spine. On one hand it shows me a side of Tristan that very much makes him seem like he would be a good father, but on the other hand it makes me all the more determined to make sure Cole never goes back to that house. I think again about what Tristan said when he mentioned pretending to get married. If it was just for show, what would be the real harm, after all?

We’d probably have to lie about how long we’ve been dating to avoid making things look suspicious to child services, but other than that, it would likely hurry things along. Besides, we’re already lying about being together, so it would hardly be uncharted territory. A small voice in my mind wonders if I’m only considering it because deep down, I’m enjoying the fantasy of Tristan and I deciding not to cancel the engagement after this is all over. I wish I could write it off as ridiculous, but I know there’s a kernel of truth in the thought.

Somehow, Tristan has started working his way into my mind and I don’t feel like I can just call it a meaningless fling anymore. I know I can’t. He means something to me, I just need to figure out what that something is.