I dump clothes into a small bag, making sure to add extra T-shirts since assholes are always spilling shit on me in Little Memphis. I don’t know why, but my hometown ruined more of my shirts than seems possible.

Carrying the bag downstairs, I see my kitten running across the living room and away from the back door where someone is entering. I find Ginger waiting for me in the kitchen. She pours us two cups of coffee and sets them on the small table.

“Don’t let Joker take advantage of Glitch,” she says, sitting down.

“Is that the real reason you’re here? I can’t imagine Glitch will agree to anything before running it by Oz first.”

“No, I wanted to see where your head was about moving back to Little Memphis.”

“Seems like a waste to have done all this,” I say and gesture to the living room décor I chose for its Filipino and Mexican influences, “only to leave it behind.”

“I don’t want you to leave, and Yarrow is really worried you’ll go.”

“I thought I convinced her that things were cool.”

“You did, but then she woke up today convinced you were leaving. She texted me four times to ask if everyone was leaving now? I suspect she doesn’t really get why we came to Rawlins, so she doesn’t understand why we’d leave.”

Imagining I upset Yarrow, I sigh. “I’ll talk to her before I go.”

“But you are coming back, right?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?” the blonde bitch asks with more force.

“I already said yes.”

“You’re not selling that yes, though.”

Dumping sugar in my coffee cup, I try to find the words to explain to Ginger where my head is at. “Do you ever feel like this boring life in Rawlins isn’t for us?”

“Sure,” Ginger says and shrugs. “But there’s always tension. By the time I started feeling at home in Rawlins, I was dealing with new stress with Oz and his kids and Tana. Then Yarrow hooked up with Blackjack, and that freaked me out. It’s better than the tension of dealing with the scum in Little Memphis, but it’s still stress.”

Ginger’s tension doesn’t sound like the kind of action I crave. “I get angry a lot. I find myself thinking too much about the past and my parents and how I got to this point. Back in Little Memphis, I focused my anger on our enemies. Now our enemies are licensing paperwork and dumb cops. I have no outlet for the violence I got brewing.”

“What do you want in life besides the crew?”

“Not a clue.”

“Once you find something to fill that restless part of you, you’ll get a handle on your anger. It’ll still show up occasionally like when I tried to talk Oz into killing Blackjack so I could have Yarrow to myself,” Ginger says and gives me an awkward smile. “That crazy thinking showed up, and I dealt with it. When it comes back in another way, I’ll deal with it again. That’s all we can do since we don’t have the power to fix the past.”

Nodding, I rest my head against my folded arms on the table. “I feel like I have a hole inside me. I thought having a house that reflected who I wanted to be would help, but it’s just pretty fucking things,” I mutter and close my eyes. “Then I thought fucking was what I needed. It’d been so long since I’d been with a guy, and I hadn’t even missed it. Glitch is sexy, though, and he kept flirting, so I thought it would be nice to feel that excitement again.”

When I stop talking, Ginger leans in closer. “And was it?”

“Sure, but there’s something wrong with it.”

“Is it his hair?” she asks, and I try not to laugh. “I don’t know if I could be with a man who has better hair than me.”

Losing my smile, I ask, “Wait, you think he has better hair than me?”

“Of course. He has better hair than those chicks in shampoo commercials.”

“I don’t watch commercials.”

“Well, the kids insist I learn patience, so we can’t forward through commercials.”

“Sounds hellish.”

“You can’t know how much,” she says, sighing. “They do help me through the commercials by holding my hands and promising the show will be right back. It’s super cute but still hell.”

“I wonder if I could do the mom thing.”

“Of course, you could. Now tell me what’s missing between you and Glitch?”

My mind returns to a shirtless Glitch standing in the tiny house his grandma left him. The man is painfully hot, but I can’t connect with him. “I don’t know. He’s sweet.”

“Sweet?”

“Yeah.”

We share an eye roll. “There’s your problem. He’s soft, and you’re not. Even your hugs come with hard edges and headbutts.”

“Thanks a lot,” I say, flipping her off.

“How did you not know these things? First, Glitch’s hair being way better than yours, and now you claim you don’t know about your bad hugs. I swear you don’t pay enough attention to shit.”

“Probably.”

“We’ve barely settled into this life. Just give yourself time to find your footing,” Ginger says and pats my hand like I assume the kids do with hers when she’s upset. “If your heart tells you that Little Memphis is where you need to be, even if only half of the time, you do what you need to do. We make our own rules.”

Sharing her smile, I only nod because I don’t know what I need. I suspect the answer likely isn’t waiting for me in Little Memphis any more than it’s in Rawlins.