MY HEART SHATTERED.
He was going to kill himself. Why else had he whispered goodbye? Why else had he said I was better off without him?
“What did he say to you?” Ben’s voice sounded mechanical, like he was trying not to lose it.
I didn’t care. He never should’ve provoked Marcus like that. He knew how badly he’d taken Mom’s death. He knew Marcus hadn’t been the same since she’d died. None of us were.
I swiped at my tears and stepped away from Talon. “It doesn’t matter now.”
Talon looked at me like he was out of patience. “He say where he was headin’?”
“No.” I looked at Ben. “Take me to my car.”
Ben just stared at me, but Talon rubbed a hand over his head. I wasn’t surprised it was Talon who spoke.
“Here’s the thing, darlin’. Neither of us is gonna let you go after him alone.”
Too overwhelmed to process a single thing except my need to get to my brother, I lost my temper. “I want my car.” The car Marcus had given me. The only thing I felt like I had left of him right now.
Ben exhaled. “It’s in my garage.”
Wait. What? “I didn’t see it.”
“It’s in a visitor spot. I had it brought over last night.” Ben glanced at Talon. “I’ll call you if we find him.”
“If?” There was no if about it. “I’m finding my brother.” With or without them.
“When,” Ben corrected, before looking at Talon. “Thanks for your help.”
His eyes on me, Talon tipped his chin toward Ben. “Remember what I said, darlin’. And take it easy today. I know you got plenty of adrenaline pumpin’ now, tellin’ your body it doesn’t need rest, but you do.” He glanced at Ben. “Call me if you need anythin’.”
I didn’t wait around. I was already walking to Ben’s Jeep, hating Talon despite all of his help. The second he’d made the comment about the adrenaline, it was as if every muscle in my body went on strike. I didn’t hurt like I did yesterday, but I felt it. Every movement, every step, I felt my bruises and I felt what Ben and I had done. I couldn’t process any more.
My head a mess, all I wanted to do was cry, but that wouldn’t help Marcus.
And I couldn’t help but be a little resentful at my brother. I was trying to save him when he didn’t want to be saved, and all of it was at the expense of my own life. Everything I’d ever wanted was slipping away before I had a chance to grab on to it. I’d slept with Ben. Oh my God, I’d slept with him. This wasn’t how my first time was supposed to be. I wasn’t supposed to be bruised or chasing Marcus or worrying about if I could get to him before he did something stupid.
I yanked the passenger door open and got inside, but before I could pull the door closed, Ben was there.
“Elyssia, I’m sorry.”
I sucked in a breath, then another, because now I could. I could breathe again because Ben had helped me. I didn’t want to blame him for Marcus. I didn’t want to fight with him, and I didn’t want to be angry at him, but emotions were never reasonable and I was mad as hell. “Just take me to my car.”
“You shouldn’t be alone right now.”
I reached for something that wouldn’t cause another fight. “You have rehearsal.”
Ben whipped his cell out, sent off a text, then shoved his phone back in his pocket. “Now I don’t. Where else do you think he would go besides the gym?”
I was ashamed to admit I didn’t know. Marcus didn’t work. He worked out and he cooked us meals and I knew he was doing unsanctioned fights, but he never talked to me about them. He tried to hide it, but I could always tell after he’d fought because he’d be calm for a day or two.
“Just drive past the gym on the way back to your place.” I reached for the seat belt, but Ben’s hand covered mine.
He clicked the buckle into place. “We’ll find him, don’t worry.”
I didn’t say anything as he drove to Marcus’s gym and neither did he. The silence built between us, and it felt like a wedge I wasn’t ever going to get past. Guilt ate at me, for so many reasons, and I needed to say something, but I couldn’t. I knew Ben was furious with Marcus, and so was I. But I couldn’t forgive Ben for what he’d said to Marcus, not if Marcus did something stupid because of it. And the fact that I was even thinking along those lines, like anything Ben could say to Marcus would make it any worse, was irrational as hell. But I didn’t have any rational thoughts left, and apparently neither did Marcus when he pulled a gun on Talon. If he got arrested, there’d be nothing I could do to help him then.
Ben pulled into the parking lot of the gym, and we both scanned the cars for Marcus’s truck.
Quiet, no anger in his tone, Ben spoke. “I know you think I set him off.”
I reached for the handle. “I’ll go see if he’s inside.”
Ben’s hand closed over mine. “You can’t expect me to not be angry.”
I didn’t want to have this conversation right now. “Anger and blame are two different things.”
Ben’s jaw ticked. “I blame him, Elyssia. I absolutely do.”
I sucked in a breath.
“But that doesn’t mean one day I won’t try to forgive him.”
I exhaled, but Ben wasn’t finished.
“I know he’s your family. I don’t want to come between you and him, but your safety is nonnegotiable. If it’s not safe for you to be around him, then I’m going to do everything in my power to keep you away from him.” The anger bled back into his voice. “I’d rather you be alive and pissed off at me, than beaten to death by your own goddamn brother.” He threw his door open. “Wait here.”
He was out of the car before I could respond, or see the tears that welled. I was like a damn faucet, and I hated it.
Sniffling, playing over everything Ben had said, everything Marcus had said, there was one thing that Talon had mentioned that I kept coming back to. Marcus hadn’t killed himself. He’d had opportunity and means, but he was still here, and I was clinging to that when Ben opened his door.
“He wasn’t there, but Hank was. He said Marcus was there a half hour ago, trying to set up another fight.” Ben looked at me. “Did you know he’s been doing unsanctioned fights against AFC hopefuls?”
Ashamed, I nodded. “I didn’t try to stop him.”
Ben stared out the windshield. “Not sure you could have.” He was quiet a moment. “I’m taking you back to my place. Hank is asking around. If he hears anything, he’ll call.” His gaze cut back to mine. “In the meantime, you’re going to rest. No arguments.” He started the Jeep.
I could’ve argued, but the truth was, I’d never seen Marcus pull a gun. He’d always carried, he had since joining the Marines. And now that he was out, he had a concealed carry permit. I never thought much about it until now. If I was being honest, I didn’t want to be home alone.
I selfishly wanted to be in Ben’s bed, safe and warm with his arms around me, but even the thought made me feel guilty because Marcus had no one to make him feel that way. All he had was a sister who he thought had betrayed him.
Ben pulled into his garage and parked, but he didn’t move to get out of the Jeep. “What are you thinking?” His hands on his thighs, his fingers were unusually still.
“I’m tired.” It was all I wanted to admit.
“Understandable.” He didn’t look at me as the thumb on his right hand started tapping out a rhythm only he heard.
I noticed a darkness under his eyes that wasn’t usually there. “You must be too. You didn’t get much sleep last night.” Every time I’d woken up, he was awake.
His blue eyes cut to mine, and he abruptly changed the subject. “What do you need from me? Just ask, and it’s yours. I’ll give you anything.” He stared at me like he was waiting for disaster to strike. “Anything except an apology, or leaving you on your own right now.”
But he was going to leave me on my own. He was going back on tour, where he’d have tons of screaming fans and a life and a career and a whole future ahead of him. He couldn’t give me what I wanted. He couldn’t make my brother healthy. Neither could I. I was seeing that now, but I still had to try. And it crushed me that trying meant letting go of Ben.
“I don’t need anything,” I lied. “I’m just tired.”