Chapter Seventeen
She knew Philip would follow her. She considered leaving for lunch, though she wasn’t particularly hungry, to avoid being a sitting duck in her office, but she didn’t want to run away. This thing with Philip needed to be dealt with, but how? He was her friend—a dear friend—and she wanted to go about it carefully. She thought that there would be more time to get her thoughts together.
Stupid, she berated herself. He tried to ask me out over a month ago! I should’ve known. Well, to be fair, it was just a hunch. Her instincts told her weeks ago that Philip wanted more than friendship. He knocked on her door, and her heart jumped.
“Em? Can I come in?”
She nodded and he stepped in, closing the door behind him. He silently sought permission to sit down, and she nodded again, trying to settle her nerves. He was quiet a moment, clearly gathering his thoughts. She couldn’t make direct eye contact with his questioning brown eyes. They seemed to pierce right through her clothes, seeking entry to her soul, so she focused on the pattern of lines on her palm instead.
“I have to say, I’m a bit confused, Em.” He raked a hand through his hair. “Am I way off base, here?”
“I—No, not exactly,” she said. “But things have changed…”
“Have they?” He stood, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Then he moved to sit in one of the seats in front of her desk. “I swear there’s something between us. There’s always been something, hasn’t there? I forced it away because I value our friendship and it’s bad for business—You were so young, and I wasn’t ready for anything serious. It would have been serious with you, I’m certain of it.”
He was a fount of information, pouring himself out like he’d been holding it in for centuries. “But then just a few weeks ago I started feeling optimistic. I let myself hope—because I could have sworn you felt it too. I know you did. We were standing right there.”
He pointed to the place they’d stood weeks ago near her couch where she’d fired off all the reasons they needed to fund the Kane proposal. “If there’s one thing I’ve managed to be good at, it’s reading women,” he said with absolute certainty. “So what changed? Are you afraid?”
There was a plea in his tone that brought Emanuela’s eyes up without her control. She immediately regretted it, because as soon as they locked with his, she saw that this conversation would be much more difficult than she anticipated. She thought, at most, she would bruise his ego—cause some awkwardness for a few days. She saw something in his eyes that told her it was much, much more. Her throat felt sore. “I admit that I’m…that I’ve been attracted to you. I can’t control that, but I never intentionally did anything to make you think that I was—that we should—”
She stopped herself, cursing her ineptitude with the spoken word at the most inopportune times. She realized nothing she could say would be adequate. He wasn’t describing the physical attraction they’d had all along. That was something simple. Easy. What plagued him was much more complicated and it floored her. “I had no idea.”
“I know,” he said gently. “We’re a conflict of interest in every possible way. I’m aware of that. I have been careful with you. I never wanted you to feel uncomfortable around me or in this office. The optics would have gone badly and I couldn’t forgive myself if all your hard work was reduced to being involved with me unprofessionally. I told myself I’d give you time—time to establish yourself here, and then time to get over Greg. Then I would use my undeniable charm to convince you to give me a go.”
She wanted to smile, but the whole situation was making her chest hurt. She felt pressure there, afraid that what she said next could very likely destroy the friendship she’d grown to cherish. She forced herself to meet his eyes. She thought somehow she owed him that much. “I value our friendship too. I’m so grateful for it and I would be—it would hurt if I lost it.”
His eyes softened, and he started to say something, but she needed to get the next part out. “I started seeing someone right around that time. It happened quickly but it’s gotten—serious—and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it.”
She winced at the distraught look miring his handsome face. She would give anything to become suddenly endowed with eloquence, an ease of speech that could help lessen his pain. She wasn’t granted such a mercy though, and was left staring at him, pleading with her eyes for him to understand and not resent her.
The silence was uncomfortable. She willed herself not to fidget, to resist the urge to look away from the hurt in her friend’s eyes. Had she been aware of the depth of his feelings, she wouldn’t have delayed the conversation for so long. It wasn’t her fault, but she still felt terrible.
He finally shook his head and stood. “The only person I’m disappointed in is myself. I missed my window again because I was too slow to move.”
Emanuela didn’t know how to respond to that, so she gave him a small smile in return. He rounded her desk and she followed his movement with her head, tilting it back as he came to stand beside her chair. He took her hand and kissed it.
“I wish no ill will for your relationship, Em,” he said. “But if the day comes that you are no longer attached, I’ll not move so slowly.” He walked to her door and opened it, turning to offer his most devastating smile. “Stop worrying. Our friendship remains intact.”
She smiled at him once more before he strode out her door.
****
Finn was trying to keep his resolve. The only reason he replaced the phone into his pocket for the tenth time in more than an hour was because he promised Emanuela he would trust her. He took it out again, checking to see if he’d missed a call or text from her. Nothing. With a frustrated sigh, he put his phone back into his pocket and prepared to board the ferry from Mukilteo to Whidbey Island. It vibrated at the last second, and he fished it from his pocket again, not bothering to check the caller ID.
****
“Hi.”
Emanuela’s heart twisted at the strain in his voice. It was just the one syllable, but it was packed full of anguish. She knew he was miserable the rest of the afternoon waiting for her to call, but she couldn’t put off the conversation with Philip any longer, and she hoped Finn would understand.
“Hi,” she said, softly. “Are you okay?”
“No.”
“I’m so sorry you had to hear that, Finn. I talked to Philip—right after, which is why I’m just calling you now—and everything’s okay. I took care of it.” His sigh was ragged. “Finn?”
“Did you tell him? About me? About us?”
“I—no. I told him I was seeing someo—”
Finn released a string of curses. “Emanuela—”
“It’s none of his business, Finn! He asked me out. I told him no. I told him I’m committed and I don’t want to mess it up. What more do you want me to say?” She was quickly getting upset, feeling exhausted and strained herself, and a little like she was being attacked.
“That you’re with me. That you’re in love with me.”
Emanuela gasped.
“Why can’t you say it?” he asked, an edge to his tone.
“You’re not being fair.”
“Maybe not, but at the moment, I don’t care.”
“Finn…”
“He’s in love with you too. But you knew that.”
“I didn’t know that,” she said. “Not until today. How did you—”
“Oh come on! Any idiot could see he’s crazy about you! Always touching you, calling you pet names—”
“So I’m an idiot because I didn’t see it?”
“You know that’s not what I meant!”
“Finn, I can’t do this right now. I just broke someone’s heart and I feel pretty shitty about it, okay? I don’t have feelings for Philip but I consider him my friend. I hated doing that and you’re making me feel like I didn’t break it badly enough for your liking.”
“Emanuela—”
“What?” Her voice cracked.
“I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry.” He cursed again. “I’m going crazy here. I miss you, and hearing him ask you to dinner just made me feel even farther away than I already am.”
“I know how hard this is, Finn.”
“Do you?”
“Of course I do! I’m in it, too! The situation isn’t any easier for me.”
“Did you let him say it?”
Emanuela sighed.
“Did you?”
“He didn’t try! If he’d tried, I would have stopped him.”
“Jesus, Emmi. Why?”
“Because,” she said, exasperated. “People say it all the time, even when it isn’t true. I don’t want you to say it right after we make love or right after we fight. Emotions are all over the place. I want you to be sure.”
“I am sure.”
“How can you be sure right now? We’re fighting.”
“Yes.”
“You’re angry.”
“Not anymore. And even when I was, I lo—”
“Don’t!”
“Dammit, Emanuela!”
She burst into tears.
“I do, Emmi,” he said, softly. “I love you. Right now, I don’t know whether I should throw my phone or climb through it somehow and hold you until you believe me.”
“I—thank you.”
“Don’t thank me,” he said, tenderly. “I just wanted you to know. I needed you to know.”
She sniffed. “I’m sorry.”
“I won’t rush you. I don’t want you to feel pressured to say something you don’t feel or do something you aren’t ready to do. But I can’t keep things bottled up. I’m not wired that way. I need an outlet, so unless you want me to proclaim my undying affection to Simon—”
Emanuela laughed. It sounded hearty, almost hysterical, even to her own ears.
“Emmi?”
“I’m not prone to emotional outbursts, but I was so stressed out. I thought I was going to lose a friend and have to quit my job.”
“And now? Are you okay? Will you and Philip be okay?”
He was trying. For her. She smiled. “I’m okay, and I think my friendship with Philip will be okay too. He was hurt but he seemed to take it well, considering the mixed signals.”
“Because you think he’s hot.”
She laughed. “Well…”
“Don’t tease me, Emmi. I’m hanging on by a thread here…and you made me miss my ferry.”
“I’m sorry. I promise I’ll make it up to you,” she said in an unmistakably seductive tone.
“You’re killing me.”
“Not yet.”
****
“I’m afraid of heights, Em.”
“I know.”
“And I hate popcorn.”
“I know.”
“So why the hell are we doing this again?”
“Because I like those things and you’re here for me, remember?” Emanuela reminded Allie as they buckled their lap belts and prepared to ascend into the darkening New York skyline. “Plus, you can’t run out on me if we’re in midair.”
Emanuela loved the feeling she got in the pit of her stomach from riding Ferris wheels. It was the closest sensation to taking off in a big commercial airliner. Its steady climb and aerial views stripped the worries of the world away, if only for fleeting moments. It made her feel weightless. Comforted.
The Coney Island Wonder Wheel churned to life, and Allie clenched her teeth, gripping the cool steel handlebars. “The last time we did this, your mom showed up out of the blue.”
Emanuela took the redhead’s trembling hand in both of hers and sighed. They were overdressed for the half-full ride, theirs one of the last turns it would take that evening. The sun was finishing its descent.
“What’s wrong, Em? Why the S.O.S.?”
“Philip loves me,” she said flatly, looking down at their hands.
“Seriously? Em! You brought me here for that! I could KILL you!”
“What? You knew?”
“Of course I knew! Don’t give me that look. I would have told you if you really wanted to know. We both know you didn’t, so there’s no story here.”
Emanuela looked out at the navy skyline. Navy. She smiled.
“What the hell, Em?”
“I love him, Allie,” Emanuela whispered, still looking straight ahead. “I love Finn, and it scares the shit out of me.”
“Oh my God. I knew it!” Allie grabbed Emanuela into a hug.
Emanuela raised her head to look into Allie’s face. “You did?”
“I’m not stupid Em, come on! How long have we known each other? You started off telling me everything about the guy—which I appreciate, believe me. Then suddenly you stopped. You kept seeing him, which you didn’t keep from me, so it made no sense! I knew you weren’t hiding it from me so much as keeping something for yourself…I get it. Took you long enough to tell me though. I was about to disown you!”
Emanuela giggled, then fell silent.
“He’s not your mother, Em.”
“I know.”
“He isn’t Greg, either.”
Emanuela gasped, and Allie fairly snorted. “Oh come on! I know you like to play the martyr and blame yourself, but Greg wanted a pretty little thing to show off at business parties. You aren’t a trophy.”
“You can’t know that.”
“Well, I knew about Philip, didn’t I?” When Emanuela simply nodded, Allie continued. “You have to tell him.”
“It’s so soon,” Emanuela said. “It’s happening so fast, and then where do we go from here? Everything I know will have to change. I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”
Allie pulled her best friend close to her again and touched her head to hers. “That is scary. Shit, Em.—Shit!” she said again, the big wheel descending once more. “I don’t think anyone’s ever really ready, you know? We just jump in hoping we’ll make it without drowning. You’re one of the best swimmers I know. I don’t even need to know if the Good Doctor can swim.”
“Have I told you how amazing you are?”
“Not enough, frankly. It’s a good thing I’ve got great self-esteem.”
Emanuela laughed, then sighed. “What now?”
“I dunno. I guess it’s like any big decision you make in life. When the time comes for you to need the answer, you just know. You know if it feels right or if you should move on. But for the love of God, you better tell me in advance this time! I need to know where to send those damn canelés.”
Emanuela felt Allie’s grin against her cheek. “Deal.”