My mind swirled with a thousand--mostly depressing--thoughts, as the town landscape flew by. It was a grey day and my mood certainly matched the grimness outside.

On the way to the Houston airport I found myself wondering what life might have been like if I’d stayed here after high school and not joined the military.

I tried hard to stop my trail of thoughts, but it was incredibly difficult.

They say anxiety is thinking too much about the future, and depression comes from thinking too much about the past. Well, the way I was thinking, I was definitely heading down depression road.

The crazy thing was, although I could see my thought pattern, I couldn’t really stop my mind from wandering.

I could have had a little baby like Emma with Genny.

Sure, Emma cried a lot and staying up all night taking care of her would have been tough. But when Emma giggled, her laugh made the hardships worth it.

What about Genny and me?

I couldn’t help but crack the slightest smile thinking how we’d get a little bit angry at each other. Maybe have some crazy make up sex.

Ah yes, make up sex, and then we’d fall asleep right next to each other in the same bed in each others’ arms.

I tightened my grip on the steering wheel as I pulled up to a red light. It was only a few more miles until I would be at the interstate, and then in a couple of hours I’d be at the airport.

I barely even said goodbye to Genny, but I knew if I said goodbye in person--shit--I was gonna have a hard time leaving her.

My eyes unfocused as I pulled up at a red light. I turned to my right and a family of three rode in front of another vehicle. A middle aged man drove his truck, with his wife to his side in the passenger’s seat. The little baby was crying in the middle.

The guy gave me a tip of his cap and I nodded back to him then refocused on the road, staring at the back of my palm. I cocked my wrist and stared at my watch as I waited for the light to turn green. That fancy-ass watch was really the only possession I had left to remind me about my brother. I threw it on in such a frenzy the other day, I hadn’t even really examined it.

I heaved a sigh. Once I left this town, I could feel that this would be “it.” My brother--and Genny--were really the only connections I had left to my small town upbringing. Sure, I had my military buddies and they were great. But I’d met them all after the age of 18.

Genny was my only real anchor. Well, Genny and Emma were my anchors.

I liked having them both.

Goddamn, Genny tasted so sweet. She tasted like--

Fuck, I needed to stop thinking this way.

Anxiously, I flipped my watch on my wrist. I took it off for a moment, then turned it over.

This was one hell of a long red light.

When I peeked at the silver underside, something caught my eye. There was something written scratched in tiny letters visible. I hadn’t even noticed it before.

09-23-89

I furrowed my brow.

What the hell did that mean?

I smacked myself in the head when the realization dawned on me.

This had to be the combination for the safe.

All at once I felt like life had just been breathed back into my body, and like the grimness I’d been feeling had hope at the end of it. I quickly turned on my left turn signal, then waited for the cars going in the opposite direction to pass as the light turned green. I took off, flying back to Douglas, Texas. I needed to see what was in the safe.

When I got home, the house of my brother seemed brighter somehow. The white siding was cheery almost, as the sun went down on the horizon.

I got out of my truck, noting the calm. The wind seemed to have died down.

I rushed inside, into the back of his office where the safe was. Sure enough, the numbers clicked. I wondered what I would find inside as I turned the last number. What would it be?

Gold bars maybe, a gun. What kind of stuff was my brother into?

I opened the safe and a big stack of papers nearly fell out. I picked up several envelopes and looked at the outside. They were unsealed, but filled with parchment paper.

My chest swelled when I saw the name they were addressed to: Kade Houston.

Chills went down my spine as I fingered the envelopes. My hands started trembling and I swallowed hard.

Why would my brother have letters here addressed to me? I pulled one of them out of the envelope and start reading it:

Dear Kade,

Jessica is 6 months pregnant. Isn’t that something? Geez, she got even hornier during the pregnancy. Which has been nice. Shit, is that inappropriate to mention? Or is that something brothers can talk about? I don’t know. I wouldn’t know. I haven’t spoken to you. God damn it Kade, it’s been two fucking years since I’ve even heard a peep from you. You don’t answer my calls. Or my letters. Anything. So, I stopped trying years ago. Anyways, I’m gonna continue with this letter, even though I’ll probably never mail it. Yeah, that’s right. Therapist said it’s good for me. Yes therapist. I said therapist. Hey, don’t judge.

Look, I know you might not have read my last letter (because I didn’t send it) and probably didn’t see the one before that, but I’m really sorry about how things panned out. I still am. I get a weak feeling in my gut thinking about how everything went, and not the good kind. It’s not a feeling like my brother playfully punched me. It’s the bad kind of gut-wrenching. Like I just lost something I will never get back. Anyways man, shit. I’m on glass number two of whiskey right now, so I better call it a night. I’ve only got so much more time left till I can enjoy drinking. I’m gonna give up once we have the baby. Anyways brother, hope you’re well. And remember--you can’t get the the time back that’s gone. Always look ahead.

Love,

Jax.

Holding the letter tightly in my hands, I walked out to the back porch; my boots feeling extra heavy as they struck the hardwood.

A cool breeze came across my skin, and suddenly my body felt so damn cold. My chest ached. My arm began to shake uncontrollably with the letter in it.

I walked down to a grassy part of the backyard that extended into the forest.

“What the fuck, Jax,” I muttered aloud, to absolutely noone.

Hate and bitterness had consumed me for so long over how he left the family high and dry. But, had my feelings been totally misguided? Jax was so right, I’d never truly given him a chance to explain himself.

I needed to read the rest of the letters. But from the tone of that one, it surely seemed like he wanted to make up, and I was the asshole.

I put my hands to my hips, inhaling deep the fresh outdoor air.

I noticed some flowers in the backyard. Hmm. Odd. Seemed out of season to have bluebonnets in December--though it was still well above freezing.

Just then, something caught my eye giving me pause.

A blue throated hummingbird hovered between me and the flowers. My lips parted in disbelief. The beautiful bird immediately brought back a childhood memory of Jax and I--one of my few good memories before the hate and the bitterness had set in.

We used to wait outside in the back for hours, hoping to catch a glimpse of any hummingbird at all. We saw a lot of them--but not once did we see the blue-throated hummingbird. In fact, it became a running joke between us.

Where we gonna see the hummingbird with a blue throat?

One year--I must have been eight or nine--we spent learning and tracking the migrant patterns of the different birds. The blue throated hummingbirds arrived in March and April, then left in September and October.

We never saw one. And now here I was in December. So, what the heck was this bluebird doing in my brother’s backyard? It was crazy and maybe, I was reading too much into it.

My hand trembled and a breeze took the letter, blowing it out of my hand.

I was about to pick it up when the the hummingbird hovered just above part of it, it’s little feet landing right in the middle of the piece of paper. All I could do was part my lips, staring in disbelief.

A chill started in my toes and spread all the way to my spine, until I felt the hairs on my neck standing up.

I became less and less religious over the years but seriously:

What the fuck was going on.

Was my brother...trying to tell me something?

Nervously, I ran a hand through my hair and finally watched the bird fly away.

I picked up the letter, and the bird had left a little indentation in the part where Jax had wrote:

You can’t get the the time back that’s gone. Always look ahead.

I went back into the house and I realized something. I fucked up big time. I never made amends with my brother when he was alive.

That was on me and that was a burden I’ll always have to bear. There was really no good way to frame that one. But on the other hand, my resolution was firm as it had ever been.

I couldn’t waste the last chance I ever had to make things right with Genny.

She was the only thing left in the world that mattered to me.

I pulled out my phone to text her, my fingers hovering over the typepad.

“Fuck,” I muttered out loud. This wasn’t a texting conversation. This was an in-person revelation.

As darkness fell onto the town, I headed out the back door, got in the truck, and sped the fuck over her place.