MY MIND HASN’T BEEN in a good place since we moved on from Milwaukee without Noa.  I have no clue how she is. I’ve tried calling her and her friend, Myla, but no one picks up. I stopped leaving messages after the second week. They know who’s calling by now, and they choose not to answer. That fucking hurts.

I’ve lost rides, I’ve been put on the disabled list, and had to fight my way up the ranking again. I’m on a yo-yo string of ‘good riddance’ and regret.

The only good thing that’s happened is Bill and I destroyed the boxes of pills. I wanted to destroy the pictures that we found, but Bill thought it best that they be returned to their owners to ease their minds. He also thought it was best that I not be involved anymore for privacy sake. He and Walker separated and divided the remaining money, and gave it back to the people that they could identify along with the pictures. They could do with them what they wanted, but they would know it was over with minimal people knowing.

Walker updated the staff at a meeting about finding the stolen money in Wes’s trailer, and that we all can assume the thief had been caught without ever questioning Wes. He also addressed the speculation about Noa being gone explaining that it was a hard decision for her to make, but she would not return. Losing her first patient to such a brutal death was going to take more time than the tour would allow. No one blamed her for what happened, thank God.

I’m glad the money was restored to the PBR that Wes took. Virgil and Hazel don’t even know that part of the story. Virgil is as mad as a hornet at me for messing up my points, but I’m fighting like hell to get back on top.

I’m sore as shit from last night’s competition, but I placed.

Tonight is the showdown for this leg of the tour, before moving on through the different brackets of the Championship. 

My shoulder aches as I push through my last set. I’m in the middle of a six-count rep when my phone rings. I let the chest press fall back, and take the phone out of my pocket to see Trent’s number. I answer the call, “Is everything alright?”

“Is that the way you normally answer the phone?” he laughs readily so I know everything must be alright.

“No, but considering our recent history of events, I get worried when I see your name.”

“You’re right. Sorry about pulling your internal panic alarm. Everyone is good. I, uh, wanted to talk to you about Julie and Rowan.” I can hear the TV playing in the background, so he must not be at work.

“Okay. What’s on your mind?” My nerves start jumping with all the different scenarios that could come out of this conversation.

“There have been some bad issues in the neighborhood over the last few weeks, and I don’t think Julie and Rowan need that stress in their lives. We’ve tried to find them another apartment within the means of her job, but nothing is panning out.”

“If they need money, I’ll send it.”

“No, that’s not why I’m calling. Julie needs a more stable environment for her rehab, and kids always need a stress-free place to grow up. I’ve got a spare room in my house, and I was hoping it would be okay if I asked them to move in with me?”

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think giving someone else permission to sleep with my ex-wife and help raise my son was ever going to be asked of me, and yet, here we sit.

“Braxton, you know me. I didn’t come to this decision lightly. I love her, man. I love Rowan too. I’d never hurt them. I’m stable. I’m loyal. I’m faithful. I don’t know what else I can say.”

“Well, that was damn near fucking perfect, Trent. I wish you both the happiness you deserve. Tell Rowan I’ll be home soon.”

“Here, he wants to talk to you.” Static comes across the line as the phone gets passed.

“Dad. Did you say yes?”

“Yes, I did. Does that make you happy?”

“He said yes!” he exclaims excitedly to someone else in the room with him. “Yes, Dad. That makes me very happy. And Mom too. I’d hand her the phone, but they’re kissing right now. But guess what? I get my own room, and Trent has a PlayStation 4 with a 72” TV screen. It’s awesome.”

I hope he stays this happy when Trent asks him to take the garbage out or clean his room. Step-parents can be an adjustment, but I know Trent is a good man.

“I’m happy that you’re happy. I’ll be home soon enough. We’re coming up on Finals in a few weeks. I’ll be home right before Halloween, okay?”

“Yeah, Dad. Good luck. We’ll be watching. Show Bodacious who’s the boss this time.”

“I plan on it. Third time's the charm. I love you, buddy. Bye”

“No, Dad. Don’t hang up. I wanna talk a little longer.”

“Okay, what do you want to talk about?”

“You seemed sad on Sunday when we talked. Do you feel better?”

“Yeah, a little. I lost someone, and it made me sad.”

“Boy or girl?”

“It was a girl. A woman.”

“Did she die?”

“No. Something happened, and she left. I’ve been waiting for her to come back, but she hasn’t.”

“Did you fight?”

“No, she just left. I don’t know why.”

“You have to give her a second chance when she comes back, Dad. And maybe a third and fourth, if she needs it. People make mistakes, but they still need to be loved.”

“How’d you get to be so smart?”

“Mrs. Bodine. She makes us use our manners all the time.”

“Good for Mrs. Bodine, then.”

“I have to go now. We’re gonna start moving our stuff, and I have to pack. I love you, Dad. Bye.”

Funny how I feel good after that conversation. It ended better than it began with the wisdom of a seven-year-old. Everyone is happy; except me.

That’s it. I’m done feeling sorry for myself. As soon as this show is over, I’m hopping a flight to LA, and I’m gonna make her talk to me. 

****

I HOPE I DIDN’T MAKE a mistake leaving my last ride of the night to a luck-of-the-draw pick. Even Virgil was surprised when I called it out in the round.

I’m the only rider to stay up for the first two preliminaries. I’m guaranteed the $100,000 purse, but I want the big one of the night. If I can give my eight seconds, I win the gold buckle and the $250,000, but it’s the points I want. I need them to push me into the top twenty riders, and then I’m guaranteed a ticket to Las Vegas.

My theme song ‘Cinderella Man’ by Eminem starts to play in the arena, and the crowd goes wild. “And next up, we’ve got Braxton Ryyyyyder, the city cowboy, amongst us. He’s drawn to ride Capone. He’s an outlaw bull with a 96% buck off rate. We’ll see if he can hold on to this gangster for eight more seconds,” the announcer informs the crowd.

I climb up on the rungs of the chute and wait for Capone to walk in. I slide my hands into my gloves and give the Velcro tab an extra pull to make sure it’s tight. Capone comes charging into the chute, and they get the bull rope fitted on him.

He stands rather calm for a bull in the chute. They all know by now what comes next.

I slide down on his back, pointing my boots forward on the rail. Virgil gives me the bull rope, and I wrap it around my hand to secure my hold. I scoot forward, setting my knees in position.

Capone isn’t fazed by my sitting on him so far. He’s moved from side to side but hasn’t made any big gestures to remove me. That’s not good. He’s gonna go wild when they open the chute.

Be a feather in the wind. Be a feather in the wind. Be a feather in the wind.

Virgil puts his hand on my shoulder and pats it three times. “You ready?”

I clench and unclench my jaw, then roll my shoulders to loosen them up. My boots lift from the rails to hang loosely against the one-ton beast.

I raise my arm high and loose, pointing my index finger in the air. The crowd starts chanting ‘Number 1. Number 1...’.  The music changes to ‘Wild Ones’ by Flo Rida and I nod my head for the chute to open.

Capone kicks his back legs out and twists to the left, but I stay loose. He pops his head back to head butt me, but I’m not low enough for him to touch me. He kicks out again, end of the side trying to shake me but he can’t. My spurs dig into his right side, causing him to pitch left again. He unexpectedly takes off running, but the bull rope holds me in place.  He does another twist and then goes right into a sunfish move, kicking out all four legs at once.

The clock buzzes and I release the rope, letting it naturally unwind from my hand as I pull it free. I kick Capone’s side as I jump off, making him spiral away from me as I hit the dirt rolling. My elbow bangs on the packed earth, and pain shoots up through my shoulder again. I sit up to gauge where Capone is, and the bullfighters already have him corralled and heading back to the bull pen.

My entire arm is numb and useless. I lie down on the ground until someone comes to help me up. “Braxton Ryder appears to be hurt,” the announcer blares through the speakers. I take a look up into the stands and see flashes going off, and camera’s filming.

I’m fine. They don’t know that though. I raise my right arm and wave it in the air, causing a wave of clapping to roll across the arena. A sports trainer from one of the local colleges runs out to assist, but I tell him I’m fine. I just needed to catch my breath and calm my nerves in my arm. He helps me to stand, and I take a bow for the show.

Now I have to wait through four more riders tonight before I know if the Grand Prize is mine.

I head back to my trailer, passing Mandy and Hannah on their way to the arena. “Congratulations, Brax,” they shout in unison smiling and laughing.

“It’s not mine yet, but thanks for thinking it.” I tip my hat to them. The arena is rocking with a Tim McGraw song for Colton’s ride when I enter my trailer.

As soon as the door is closed, I smell it. Her perfume. It’s in the air. “Is someone here?” No one replies, so I walk back to the master bedroom and slide the door open. It still looks the same as when I left. I walk to the front bedroom and slide that door open. It’s empty too. It looks the same as how Rowan left it a few weeks back.

My mind is playing tricks on me, I think.

I sit down on the couch, and I smell her again. I pick up one of the throw pillows and inhale it, but it’s not in the fabric. It’s here in the air. She’s been here.

She’s here.

I race back out to the arena and look for Mandy and Hannah, but can’t find them. I climb up onto one of the arena gates and look around, and still don’t see them. There’s Artie. I race over to him. “Where’s Hannah?”

“I don’t know. She’s around somewhere. Do you need something?”

“I need Hannah. Fuck.”

Colton and William’s ride is over. Tomas is about to ride and then Beau. I guess I’ll have to wait for the end of the show to find them.

The barrelmen are out doing a little dance with a few ponies to entertain the crowd. I’ve never wanted a show to end so quickly until now. This will test my patience.

“Y’all stick around for the awards at the end of the show, you hear? We’ve got a special guest to do the honors tonight,” the announcer informs the crowd.

Shit. There are Virgil and Hazel. Maybe they know where Mandy is. I push through the crowd,  feeling like I’m stuck in quicksand. Everyone seems to have their eyes glued to the arena as Tomas rides, and I can’t get through fast enough. When I finally make it to where they were standing, they’re gone. I climb up onto the bull pen railing and look through the sea of people, but can’t locate them.

A local reporter stops me for a brief interview, asking me about my points standing for the news and if I’m going to make it to Finals. She finally ends the quick question and answers session, but the show is over now, and I’m being called to the stage.

Bill stands center stage at the microphone ready to announce each place and winner for this weekend ’s competition. “Tonight, we have a special guest to present the awards to the winners. Please welcome to the stage, Academy Award-winning actress, Montgomery Knight.”

The crowd goes wild clapping and whistling with flashes of light going off everywhere as she walks on stage. She waves and blows kisses to the crowd. She’s stunning, but she’s not nearly as beautiful as her sister. I lean backward on my boot heels to look backstage, thinking Noa might be back there. I can’t see a thing with all these lights.

Bill goes through the motions of calling each category and the placements of the winners. He also announces their point standings to receive their awards. Each winner accepts their prize from Ms. Knight and takes a picture.

I’m getting antsy waiting for them to get to the bull riders. My hands clench the brim of my hat into one big, ugly crease that’ I’ll never get straight again. I’m a big ball of nerves by the time he gets to my name. As I walk down the lighted stage to Bill, everyone claps me on the shoulders and back congratulating me, slowing my walk and pissing me off. I want to get there already. I need to know if she’s here.

Finally, Monty looks me right in the eyes as I approach and gives me a knowing smile. Even though we’ve never met, we certainly know who each other is. I ignore the belt buckle she holds out to me as my prize. I don’t want that. I want her sister.  She held the buckle out to me again, and tried to lean in for the picture of us together, but I keep my back to the photographer. “Where is she? I know she’s here.”

She continues smiling at me, shaking her head and not saying a word. For an actress, she sure is speechless.

“Braxton, would you like to say a couple of words about your win here tonight and what it means for you?” Bill says into the microphone, turning me around to face the crowd and clapping his arm around my shoulder before handing it to me.

The crowd goes silent waiting. I drop my head and place my hat dead center, adjusting it correctly before looking up at the overflowing arena.  She’s out there in the crowd.

I stare at the microphone in my hands. It feels heavy, like my heart. Do I want to say anything about my win tonight?  I raise it to my lips. My breath booms through the speakers and the arena music goes silent so that I can speak.

“I do have something to say,” I look over at Monty, who has stepped away from the center stage to give me the spotlight, and she nods her head slightly. “There’s a woman here tonight who has stolen my heart. She took it and ran away. I’m a broken and beat down cowboy without her.” My throat tightens as my words form, and I have to swallow the hard lump of regret that has knotted up inside it. I look up at the crowd and sad faces hang on my every word. They’ve all been there too. Heartbreak and loss are world famous in life.

“I never wanted to return her stuff, you see, but I needed closure since she wasn’t returning my calls. But now, I’m pretty sure she is with us tonight because Ms. Knight here is her sister.” I look over at Monty, and tears are streaming down her waterproof face. “C’mon Noa, stand up. Show yourself. The crowd wants a feel good story and so do I.”

The silence of the crowd now buzzes with small talk and faces looking around for someone named Noa. The spotlight moves over the stands, and in the upper back left of the arena, cheers and clapping erupted. The spotlight finds her standing. “Damn woman. You had to choose the furthest distance. I’m coming to you.”

I move through the crowd as fast as I can, taking the bleacher steps two and three at a time to get to her. The crowd parts like the sea for me, and they cheer just as loudly for me when I’m finally standing face to face with her.  My whole body warms again in her presence.

Tears are streaming down her cheeks. “Brax, I’m so sorry I left. I‘m tired of drowning in a life that isn’t my own. I’m here because you gave me my first taste of living with freedom, but it’s been hell living without you.  When you sent my stuff back... the worst part was not having you with it.” She leans forward and taps my chest with her index finger. “I want you in my life, Braxton Ryder.”

I tuck the microphone under my arm, and hold her face with my hands, wiping away her tears with my thumbs. With tear stains and makeup smudges, she’s never looked more beautiful.

“Shhhh,” I whisper, bringing the microphone to my mouth again because I’m not ashamed to let everyone hear this.

“I only need eight seconds and sunset to tell you that I love you. From day one, you’ve been the sunrise and the sunset to my days. Since you’ve been gone, there’s been nothing but darkness. I never want to live without you again.”

“I love you, too. You are my heartbeat,” she says.

“And you are my touchstone.”

The crowd starts chanting “Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.”

I look around and see everyone has their phones out capturing the moment. I hope these videos are better than the last one. Someone takes the microphone from me.

I wrap my hand around the back of her neck, pulling her to me. I tilt my head, and lean into her, gently pressing her lips against mine. Her arms circle my shoulders, as our bodies come together. My tongue touches hers, and I grab her tighter, releasing her from the kiss. We hug tightly, and the arena erupts into congratulations and long whistles.

“You’re coming with me. I’m never letting you out of my sight again.”

Everyone around us laughs and clears a path for us and Myla to follow.

“That’s okay because I’m never leaving you again,” she laughs.