I hang up the phone, angry at myself for how the call went, or maybe angry at myself for calling Monica at all. That was not at all how I wanted the phone call to go, but then again, what had I expected? That she would tell me I was going to be a father?

Before the guys started talking about possible pregnancy rumors, I had been excited to call her. I had wanted to tell her that I missed her, or at least that I often listened to the soundtrack of our visits together.

But then everything about the pregnancy gossip threw me off. Of course she isn’t pregnant, I think. Or if she is, it certainly isn’t my baby. I’m sure she would tell me. Right?

My head's a mess, but as I start to walk out of the phone room, I see Harlow walking in.

“Oh, hey, there you are Ramsey,” he says. “I didn’t know you were here. Did you already call Mom?”

He looks a bit upset, and I realize he wants to talk to her together.

“No not yet,” I tell him. “I…”

He stares at me, waiting for me to finish my explanation.

“I came here to call her, but then I realized we should call her together, so I was actually heading back, to get you.”

“Awesome,” he says. “I was going to call Whitney while I waited to figure out where you’d disappeared to, and then I figured we could call Mom and Jensen and Riley together, once I’d found you.”

How nice of him. I feel bad for having to outright lie to him— it’s not something I usually do, although I’ve clearly omitted some information— and for not thinking of him when he had obviously been thinking of me.

Monica tells me not to worry about others so much, I think. But I feel bad when I don’t worry about my brothers. I guess I’ll start by not worrying about her, then.

I try not to smile at the thought, but it makes me feel better. All of a sudden, I have an urge to do something else that should make me feel better, too.

“You know what, Harlow?” I say. “I’ll give you your privacy while you talk to your fiancé. I’ll be back in a little while so we can call the family.”

“Okay,” he says, with a rather confused look on his face. Then he shrugs. “Thanks.”

I walk back to my tent and remove my laptop from my knapsack. Opening it up to my MP3s, I delete the songs from Monica’s and my soundtrack, quickly, before I can change my mind.

“What are you up to, Ramsey?” asks a member of my unit, squatting next to me. “Got any good movies on there?”

“No,” I tell him. “Just some music. And I have to go meet Harlow in the phone room.”

I shut the laptop and head back to Harlow, before anyone can ask any more nosy questions. On my way, I realize I’ll still need to delete the songs from my phone and tablet.

Oh well, at least it’s a start. A step in the right direction, of erasing our music like I want to erase the memory of us. Even though there is no us— and never was.

When I get back to the phone room, Harlow is still talking to Whitney.

“I’ve never known him to be homesick, but…” he’s saying, but he stops when he hears me come up behind him.

“Oh hey Ramsey,” he says, with a fake, cheerful smile. “Whitney wants to say hello to you.”

I shoot him an annoyed glance, not sure whether I want to confront him about what I overheard. I decide to just take the receiver he’s holding out to me.

“Hey Whitney,” I say. “How are you doing?”

“I’m okay,” she says. “Sure missing my fiancé, though.”

“I’m sure. But don’t worry, he’s safe out here, especially now that we’re mostly doing training.”

“I’m grateful for that,” she says. “And that he can call me more often now. It was quite difficult before.”

Her voice breaks a bit, and I genuinely feel sorry for her.

“And how are you doing?” She asks me.

“Oh, I’m great,” I say, turning to give Harlow a big, fake smile of my own. “Just peachy.”

“Well, okay,” she says, not sounding very convinced. “But I just wanted to tell you, that…”

She pauses.

“Yes?”

“If there’s something you need to do— or, someone you might need to talk to— just do it. Just go for it. Life is short, and you can never predict the future, you know?”

I don’t know how she always seems to know what’s going on with me.

“Thanks, Whitney,” I tell her. “But life’s pretty predictable for a guy like me. I get deployed, I come home and train, I get deployed again. That’s all there is to it. Plus my family, of course. Harlow, and you now, and Jensen and Riley, and Mom.”

“If you say so,” she says, and I can hear the teasing doubt in her voice. “Well, take care Ramsey. I look forward to seeing you again, after I see Harlow again of course, so I can drag him down the aisle as my captive for life.”

We laugh, and then Harlow says more “I love you”s and “I miss you”s to her before hanging up.

“Okay, so let’s call the others now,” Harlow says, obviously in a rush to talk about something different than what he and Whitney had been discussing earlier.

I shrug and say, “Sure.”

I’ve decided to let it go, for now. I know that Harlow and Whitney just care about me.

We call Jensen and Riley’s house, and our mom picks up.

“Boys? Is that you?” she asks.

“Hi Mom!” We both say at once.

“I was hoping that was you!” she says.

Harlow and I exchange surprised glances, and he places his hand over the receiver and whispers, “She sounds pretty good!”

“Hi guys!” We hear Jensen and Riley chime in from the background.

“You have perfect timing,” Jensen says. “We just got done eating.”

“How’s everything going?” I ask.

“Pretty good!” says Jensen. “Although all my wife ever seems to want to do is make wedding plans with your wife, Harlow.”

Riley laughs.

“There’s nothing wrong with living vicariously through my soon-to-be-sister-in-law!” she protests.

“Except that you already had your own wedding,” says Jensen. “I was there. It was beautiful.”

“All the more reason to want to re-live it,” Riley says.

“How has Mom been doing?” I ask.

“Really well!” Jensen says. “I think she likes having some female company around the house. And she has been following all the house rules.”

“Hey!” Mom protests. “I’m right here! I can hear you.”

“Sorry, Mom,” Jensen says, “but it’s hard to get privacy around here. Who’s fault is that?”

“Boys,” Mom says, with obvious pride in her voice. “I’ve been going to daily meetings for almost three months now. I get another chip in less than a week, and Jensen and Riley are coming with me.”

“That’s great!” I say, and Harlow and I exchange yet another shocked look.

I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy, mixed with failure. I was always the one to take care of Mom, but she seems to be flourishing with Jensen and Riley better than when she was staying with me.

I guess I can’t always control everything, I think. And it’s good to relinquish the reins and let someone else try for a change. I know I should be happy that things are working out so well for them in my absence. And I am. It just feels… different.

“How’s the mission been going?” Jensen asks.

“It’s over,” Harlow says. “Mission accomplished. Now we’re just hanging out with the locals and trying to teach them to take over what we do.”

“That’s great,” says Jensen. “Glad everything went well. How’d my new boys do?”

“They’re all first-rate,” says Harlow. “Good job. Except for one. Umm….”

“Baker?” Jensen guesses.

Harlow and I look at each other and nod.

“Yeah, him. I can’t even remember his name, because everyone calls him Pipsqueak. I have no idea how he even got through training.”

“It certainly wasn’t my doing,” says Jensen. “I was against it. But he’s the grandson of a general. There were some political strings pulled, with connections that went way over my head.”

“That explains it,” says Harlow. “It’s downright dangerous, though, with him around. He’s slow, and…”

“Gangly,” agrees Jensen. “Clumsy. I hear you.”

“Maybe you can, like, work with him more when we get back,” I suggest. “I mean, he’s ours now, but maybe there’s some sort of equivalent to Special Ed in high school, where he can be pulled out and made to re-learn things…”

Harlow and Jensen laugh, and I do too. Usually I feel bad for Pipsqueak— Baker— but Harlow’s right that he’s more of a weakness than a strength to the team, and no one has any idea what to do about it. Plus, I appreciate the comic relief.

“Well, we’d better go,” says Harlow. “There are others who need the phone. But it was great talking to you guys.”

“Great talking to you, too!” They all say.

Harlow gives them our address, and says we’ll call again as soon as we can.

As we walk back to the tents, I say, “I can’t believe how good Mom sounds.”

“I know,” he agrees. “It’s amazing.”

I guess all my worrying about Mom was unnecessary. Maybe I should listen to Monica more.

Never mind, I tell myself. I can’t listen to someone who doesn’t even talk to me about what’s going on in her own life.

It’s time to forget Monica, and move on. If only my heart could fall in line with that command from my head.