* * *
After my shift at the library, I’m dumbfounded to see that no one is waiting for me. Devlin’s nowhere to be found, and there is no limo idling at the curb. Where is he? Maybe he’s late?
I quickly dig my phone from my purse and check it. Carter had sent me a message five minutes ago, and it’s short and simple. Mr. Kade won’t be available this evening. Keagan had also sent me a text less than two minutes ago. Mr. Kade can’t make it. I’m on the subway. Be there in ten.
As I reread Carter’s text, I slowly draw in a breath and try to ignore the crushing disappointment. Why hadn’t Devlin text messaged me himself? I glance at the curb where the limo is usually waiting, and I feel strangely abandoned. I’d spent all day trying to sort out my feelings, and even though I’m extremely confused with it all, I had still been looking forward to seeing him.
I shake off the disappointment and begin walking down the sidewalk as I text Keagan, telling him I’ll meet him there at the station. There’s no sense in him walking to the library and then walking me back. After slipping the phone in my purse, I wrap my arms around my waist and merge with the other pedestrians, my thoughts on Devlin.
I understand he’s a busy man, but it’s after six. Perhaps he’d been delayed with a business meeting? Or…he may be delayed because of other ‘business’ issues. As much as I want to ignore that side of him, it’s becoming apparent that I can’t. It’s hard to connect the man that had made me feel so good Saturday night with the man behind so much criminal activity. He’d admitted that he’s in charge of the organization. He’s not just a part of it, he is it.
I bite my lip as I dodge a pedestrian standing in the middle of the sidewalk gazing at a map with confusion. As much as I want Devlin Kade, I need to keep in mind who he really is. No, that’s not right. There’s so much more to him than the man running an illegal organization, but the fact is, that criminal activity is a part of him. Can I continue to turn a blind eye to it? If I do, does that mean I’m in a way accepting of human trafficking? The drugs, I can handle that as bad as it sounds. Drugs have been around forever, and even though people get hooked on them, they still have the choice to begin taking them. Human trafficking is different. No one has a choice in the matter. Their lives are taken from them, and it’s difficult to accept that I’m beginning to care for a man that thinks its okay to do those awful things.
These are all things I should have thought about before I let him kiss me, before he made me feel like a woman with adult desires. It’d all been in the back of my mind, but I’ve been focusing on the side of Devlin that lures me to him. The man behind the name is someone I could really begin to care deeply for. As much as I long for that man, there are so many other parts of Devlin. If I get to know him further, I’ll need to accept all of him, and that could be a problem.
A lump has formed in my throat, and I swallow past it as I give myself a mental eyeroll. What’s to think about anyway? The man hadn’t even text messaged me himself to cancel whatever it was that we were going to do tonight. I’m assuming dinner, and I don’t know what else would have happened.
The crushed feeling is still present, and if having him cancel on me makes me feel like this, things are bound to get worse. What happens after I give him my virginity and then our relationship begins to fade? He’ll go on with his life, and I’ll be left to pick up the pieces of my heart, because I don’t think I can do casual sex. Besides, Devlin never admitted he wanted anything serious with me. He hadn’t wanted to put a label on it.
I rub my temples that are beginning to throb with my heavy thoughts. When I reach the subway station, I try to brush them aside as I meet up with Keagan. We’re both quiet during the ride, and we walk in silence back to the apartment.
Once we’re inside, and Keagan has closed the door, he snags my attention and motions for me to sit with him on the sofa. I take a seat and set my purse aside as he settles next to me. I turn to him and sign, How’s Lance doing?
Same as he was this morning. What’s going on, Charli? You’ve been quiet all weekend, and I have a feeling it has nothing to do with what happened at the parking ramp and everything to do with Mr. Kade.
I release a sigh and tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear. The ache in my temples have turned into a full-blown headache, and I debate whether I want to confess how far things went Saturday night. I’m not really in the mood to deal with a conversation like this.
Keagan reaches for my hands, and I find myself caught in his blue gaze. “What happened that night?” He asks as his eyes search mine. “Did you sleep with him?”
He releases my hands so that I can sign, but I leave them resting on my lap. “It didn’t get…that far,” I tell him.
I watch as he draws in a deep breath and exhales. He sits back and signs, You’re having regrets?
“No and yes,” I say stiltedly.
I won’t repeat anything you tell me, you know that. Talk to me, tell me where your head is at, he urges with a firm look.
It’s too much to say, so I switch to ASL. I think I like him too much, and I’m not sure I can accept the other aspects of his life. It’s complicated. Underneath that hard exterior is a man I would like to get to know, but he’s not the kind of man one can get to know and not fall for. I’m beginning to realize that now.
Keagan studies me for a long moment and then nods in agreement. I’ve read up on Devlin Kade. If the rumors are true, I can see where you’d have a dilemma. Charli, as much as I like the man, he’s dangerous. Anyone can tell that just by looking at him.
“I know,” I say out loud.
What are you going to do? he signs.
I don’t know. That’s what I’m trying to figure out, I sign back.