Chapter Three
Ah, hell, he couldn’t work! Frustrated, fighting his love for Kass, Travis was emotionally self-destructing in his studio. Unable to concentrate, her face hovering before his eyes, he gave up on sanding a chair he was finishing up.
He’d seen the love she still carried like a torch for him reflected in her beautiful, large green eyes. It was there! Damn! And his stupid heart responded to it, begging him to wrap his arms around her, drag her against him, and hold her so tightly that it would squeeze the air from her lungs. The ache in his heart went straight to his fractured soul. The agony was excruciating to Travis because he was trying to protect Kass from him. She didn’t deserve half a man.
Travis had barely been able to hold himself together while he tended to Kass’s wound. To touch her, to smell that subtle orange scent among her ebony strands, damn near did him in.
He paced the studio, unable to focus. Having her literally crash into his life had exploded all his carefully closeted, suppressed love for her. Seeing her injured? The terror over her possibly being dead when he opened that car door had ripped him wide open as he looked inside, staring at her limp, unmoving body. It felt like someone had wrenched his heart out of his chest and was pounding it with a sledgehammer. He briefly wondered if he’d pass out or die of a heart attack in that moment, it was that visceral. All he could hear was that heavy, pounding sound in his ears, his heart screaming out for Kass, despite everything going on in those fragile moments.
How the hell could he go to her in this condition? How? Pacing like an imprisoned animal, Travis felt as if he were going to die if he didn’t go back to Kass and tell her the truth: that he’d never stopped loving her. How badly he’d hurt her. Twice now. He’d left her for the Marines, and then he’d denied his feelings when he came back. This was the third time. Of all the people in the world, she didn’t deserve this from anyone, especially him.
He knew she’d been abandoned at birth, and as he grew and matured, he’d seen how that wound had always shadowed her life, still staining it to this day. She’d been summarily jettisoned by a mother who didn’t care enough to keep her newborn daughter. It didn’t matter to Travis the reasons to give up a baby. One did not throw a child away, no matter what the reason, in his worldview.
He was fierce when it came to family. One took care of their own. Period. They didn’t abandon a newborn or an older child. Not ever. How he’d hurt for Kass over the years, but the bittersweet realization was that he, too, had abandoned her.
Because of that life-altering experience she’d endured and bravely lived through, Kass was a survivor. Travis was sure he’d torn the scar off her stained past by pushing her away from him, lying to her that he didn’t love her when he really did. He saw the fear deep in her eyes that he was going to hurt her once more. He was sickened by himself and that he couldn’t be the boy who she had grown up with. That part of him was dead. He’d become a very different man in order to keep himself alive during combat.
Travis felt adrift. That created uncertainty within him. But it didn’t stop Travis from wanting Kass, wanting what he couldn’t have. All he would do was make her life miserable if they reconnected in a relationship. Up and down. Unpredictable. Hurting her daily in large and small ways. God, he didn’t want to ever do that to her again.
Pushing his fingers distractedly through his hair, he felt so damn torn up, unable to think clearly or be decisive. Kass was the innocent in this sordid mess of his life. He thought that being tough with her, lying and telling her he didn’t love her anymore, would break their tie to one another forever. Kass would be free of him to find a man who would truly cherish her as she so richly deserved. Travis knew better than anyone that Kass was worthy of happiness.
A huge rock sat on his chest, making it hard for him to breathe, and he fought himself to not tell her the truth. Travis knew if he did Kass would run toward him, arms open, not away from him. She was never fazed by emotional fear. Maybe because she’d been abandoned like that, the worst possible fear coming true, that other fear seemed insignificant in comparison.
There was nothing he could do to change who he had become since joining the Marine Corps. Kass was stuck at his cabin with him for at least five days until this blue norther roared through and the snowplows could get the five or six feet of snow off the main roads. What was he going to do until then? It took such energy and focus to live with and deal with his constant anxiety. By the end of the day with the harsh emotions that prowled through him, he was exhausted physically as well as emotionally. Now? He had all his hidden, yearning love for Kass exploding through him, as well.
He sat down, placing his hands over his face, shoulders hunched, so much fear, need, and love for this woman avalanching through him that he felt utterly paralyzed for a moment. There was no way to change what had just happened. The accident wasn’t Kass’s fault. She shouldn’t have been out in this weather, but that was beside the point. And really? He was glad that if she had to spin out, it was at his place and not somewhere on a lonely stretch of Route 89 that had nothing nearby. She might have been found frozen to death by some snowplow driver days later.
Rubbing his face savagely, Travis felt his life as he had reimagined it crumbling before his very eyes. Nothing was going to be the same after Kass came here. She was lying in his bed! How many times had he dreamed of exactly that? Her in his arms, warm, willing, and loving him as fiercely as he made love with her. They had all been wishful dreams because in the jaded eye of daylight as he sat on the edge of his bed, waking up, Travis knew it would never work. He couldn’t even save himself. How the hell could he stop Kass from loving him? No matter what he did, she’d remained true to him.
Glancing at his watch, an hour had flown by. Looking out the window, he saw fat, heavy snowflakes covering the area. The wind had diminished, but there were still gusts of fist-like power from time to time.
He wanted so badly to go to Kass, to explain everything. In his heart, Travis knew she wouldn’t care about his PTSD. She would take him “as is,” and that scared the hell out of him. Why did he want her so desperately? As a young girl, she’d been the radiant sunlight in his life. Her smile always warmed him, made him feel wanted and loved even when they were in elementary school. They had been inseparable. He’d absorbed every wonderful minute with Kass. And she enjoyed him just as much.
Cursing softly, Travis pushed to his feet, wiping his damp palms against his jeans, heading for the door. It was time to go check on Kass. And he was so damned scared it rivaled the worst combat missions that he’d somehow survived.
* * *
Kass was sitting up on the edge of the bed, her head hanging slightly forward, getting her bearings. She’d slept deeply and had just awakened. Warm now, she’d removed her purple coat and set it on the other side of the bed. Outside the opened heavy drapes, she could see snow falling heavy and fast. It was so thick she couldn’t see the Wilson Range mountains that paralleled Route 89, north to south.
A soft knock on the partly opened door caught her attention. Lifting her chin, she saw a shadow briefly and then Travis pushing the door open a little more, peering into the gloom in her direction. Their eyes met. He looked like hell. Even though she wasn’t fully recovered, she could feel the tension around him. It was in his eyes, the set of his mouth, as if he were expecting to get yelled at or hit by someone. He literally filled up the doorway.
“Hey,” she croaked, straightening a little, “I think I’m going to survive, Travis.”
“You look better,” he said, taking a step into the room. “What can I get you, Kass? How’s your head?”
She managed a slight, one-cornered smile, trying to make him feel less worried about her. “I’m still dizzy, but not as bad.” She lightly touched the bandage on the cut. “And no pain. That’s amazing. You’re truly a healer.” She fell into his turbulent blue gaze.
“That’s good to hear.” He hitched his thumb across his shoulder. “I finally got through to your restaurant manager, Carly, and told her what happened. I also called Jade to let her know that you’re okay. She asked if you could call her back when you feel better. She’s relieved to know you’re going to be all right.”
“Oh, good, you called Mom. I know she expected me back at a certain time. I’m sure she was worried sick. Is Carly going to shut the restaurant down? We usually do when a blue norther comes through.”
Nodding, Travis said, “Yes, for the next three to five days. She said for you not to worry about the place. So far, they still have electricity in the town.”
Grimacing, she muttered, “That may or may not last.”
“Right,” he said. “But she said the backup generator is ready to roll out and use, so you won’t lose all your food in the freezers and refrigerators.”
“That’s great. Carly is so responsible, but then, she’s a combat military vet like you. She was in the Marine Corps and was assigned to small fire bases in Afghanistan the four years she was in.”
“I’ll have to meet her sometime,” Travis said.
Giving him a wry look, she added, “You two are a lot alike, believe me.”
He stuck his thumbs in his waist belt. “Oh?”
“Loners.”
Grunting, Travis said, “War will do that to you. What can I get for you, Kass?”
She looked around. “I drank most of the water you gave me.” She motioned toward the bedstand and the plastic bottle. “Now I have to go to the bathroom. Could you tell me where it’s at?”
He eased away from the wall, taking his thumbs out of his belt, walking over to her. “I’ll do better than that.” He slid his hand around her upper arm. “Let’s get you to stand up slow and easy. Okay? I have you, and if you get dizzy, tell me. We won’t move until the dizziness passes.”
Warmed by his protectiveness and caring, she pushed to her feet. Travis’s hand was roughened and calloused, but then, the man was a wrangler as well as a master carpenter working with wood. Both jobs would create callouses and skin toughness. She slowly stood.
“Oh . . .”
“Dizzy?”
“Yes.”
“Lean on me, Kass. Put your arm around my waist. That way, you won’t pitch and fall. How are your knees feeling? Are they solid or not?”
It was such a private pleasure to wind her arm around his narrow waist. “Yes . . . they’re fine. It’s just my head . . . I feel like things in the room are whirling. It’s crazy.” His arm went across her shoulders and he drew her against his tall, solid form, standing quietly, allowing her the time she needed in order to adjust.
“That’s vertigo. A lot of blood is moving around, and it might take a minute or two, but it will pass. You can close your eyes. That will help.”
She did, feeling his arm become a little more firm around her shoulders, more supportive. How delicious to fully lean against his left side, her brow resting against his shoulder, just standing there with Travis. He smelled of the cold Wyoming air, of a clean evergreen fragrance she was sure came from his studio where he was working on a piece of pine, perhaps. And then there was that special scent that consisted of his own unique maleness. Dragging in a deep breath, secretly enjoying the intimacy, Kass had never felt happier.
“My dizziness passed,” she told him, looking up, drowning in his pale blue eyes. Kass could swear he wanted her. She could feel it, but it didn’t show in his expression. She didn’t want to read anything into his embrace other than helping her up so she wouldn’t fall. “Which way to the bathroom?”
“At the door, we’ll turn left and mosey down the hall,” he told her, allowing her to choose the pace for them.
“You have a beautiful home, Travis. I love the wooden beams, the color of the wood.”
“It’s made of cedar.” He allowed her to make the turn, her steps none too steady yet. “How are you doing?”
“A little cautious,” she admitted, tightening her arm around his waist for a moment as she made the turn into the hall. The wood was gleaming beneath the overhead lights strung along the passageway, and she could see the color of the floor reflecting back, reminding her of gold and crimson.
“It’s okay,” he murmured, gesturing to the right. “A few more steps and you’ll be in a nice, big bathroom.”
Halting at the open door, Kass was impressed with how clean and sparkling it was. She always supposed men were sloppy when living alone. Travis certainly wasn’t. Placing her hand on the doorjamb, she reluctantly released him. “I think I can make it now. Thank you.” Lamenting his arm unwinding from around her waist, she could feel him silently assessing her condition from where he stood nearby.
“When you’re done, would you like to come out to the kitchen? I’ve got to start figuring out what to make for lunch pretty soon. I thought you might like something to drink?”
“Coffee sounds wonderful if you have some,” she said, touched by his care. His eyes were alive with so many emotions that Kass couldn’t translate them all. She felt as if he were torn up about something, but she didn’t know what. “Let me try to make it under my own steam once I’m done in here.”
He took a step away. “Of course. You just call if you need help, though?”
“I will,” she promised. Reaching out, she briefly moved her fingers down the flannel fabric along his lower arm. Touching Travis was like feeding her dessert. “Are you sure I’m not being a pain in the ass by being here?”
One side of his mouth quirked and he gave her an amused look. “Hey, you’re stuck here with me for the next five or so days, Kass, so get over that thought. Okay?”
She felt heat stealing from her neck, sweeping into her jaw and then settling in her cheeks. The look Travis gave her was of a man wanting his woman. It was there for a split second, and then it was gone. Kass swore she was imagining it because being here with Travis, alone, the intimacy strong and swirling between them, was a dream come true. “Okay,” she managed to say, her voice thick with emotion. “I’ll get out there, I promise you.”
He lifted his hand, barely grazing her mussed black hair across her crown. “Kass, you are one tough lady. But you were always like that, able to bounce back from things most people never would.”
Her scalp prickled pleasantly and she felt like a cat wanting to purr beneath his palm. “We all have crosses we have to carry,” she said, becoming more somber.
“There’s lots to talk about,” he agreed, moving away. “Call me if you need help. Otherwise, I’ll put on a pot of fresh coffee for us.”
Her heart skipped beats as she watched him saunter down that hall, casual, relaxed, and oh, such a hunk of man. Kass felt embarrassed by her female hormones jumping up and down at that point as she quietly closed the bathroom door. Travis deserved better than her body heating up, wanting him, feeling that gripping sensation in her lower body. How long had it been since she’d made love? Far too long. And the aphrodisiac scent of him was driving her right over the proverbial cliff.
Should she be like this after such a serious auto accident? Was it her rattled brain? And was she still going up and down emotionally as Travis had said she would? Kass didn’t know.
She went to the sink and washed her hands, the fragrance of the almond soap heavenly to her. How many men would have a fragrance in the soap they washed with? None that she knew. Except for Travis. He surprised her in the best of ways. At least these five precious days would give her a window into him. And that was an unexpected treasure to Kass. A Christmas holiday gift all its own that she would cherish for the rest of her life.
Looking around the white subway tiled bathroom, she loved the layered, colorful red, yellow, and orange tiles that were in a horizontal stripe on each wall. The place was so clean and smelled so good. She had expected very male-colored towels, something in gray or black or brown. But no, there were two fluffy orange towels with bright yellow washcloths. She loved the colors. And she’d never been in a home that Travis lived in. Now she was getting to see another aspect of him, and it was one of cleanliness, and yet he loved color. He wasn’t like most men she’d known, and that was another positive box checked in her desire for him.
That discovery about color and cleanliness moved her heart. Kass loved color, too. Her restaurant had black and red leather booths, the walls white, the semitransparent white curtains frilly with red velvet hearts polka-dotting them. When she’d taken over the restaurant from her retiring mother, she’d done some remodeling. The windows were enlarged and she had more double-paned ones put in, giving the place a much brighter, lighter look than before.
The Formica counter at her café was a bright red with brushed steel around the edging. The rainbow color of stools that followed the U-shaped counter were anchored to the polished blond oak floor. She’d brightened up the counter, ordering new Formica the exact same colors as the stools.
As she continued to examine Tyler’s sense of style, she appreciated the splash of the three strips of color on the tiled wall in front of her. There was so much more to Travis than she’d ever realized.
Kass glanced into the mirror, seeing the darkness beneath her eyes. Her hair was a mess. She tried to tame it, put it into place with her fingers, and didn’t want to look so disheveled. She wanted to look pretty for Travis, but Kass could see she looked like she’d been in an accident. What must he think of her looking like this? Kass loved playing with her long, black hair that fell down her back. It was slightly wavy, and she often tamed it into a set of pigtails when she worked at her café. Or a ponytail.
Travis had looked at her hair, and she noticed he liked touching the strands. Each time, she saw pleasure burn in his eyes as he slid a curl between his thumb and index finger. He was a tactile person, her heart whispered to her. Taking a washcloth, Kass washed her face and neck and felt better. Felt prettier. She’d gotten rid of the thin trail of dried red blood down her temple. Even if she didn’t look better, she felt better, and that lifted her spirit.
Excitement and anxiety threaded through her as she opened the door and stepped out into the hall. She could hear soft bluegrass music in the background, coming from the living room. Travis was in the kitchen, his back to her. She could smell the coffee percolating and it made her smile. Keeping one hand on the smooth cedar wall, she slowly made her way down the hall.
The cabin was toasty warm and when she glanced into the living room, she saw a big black iron potbellied stove in one corner of it. Travis had built red fire brick behind it on two walls, and the stove stood on the same brick, but they were white in color. For just a moment, she wanted to memorize every part of his home because this place spoke of the man, not the boy who she’d known all her life. It seemed so long ago to Kass.
Right now, she felt like a child in a candy store, not knowing where to look next. Each piece of furniture, each rug, each lamp, told her something intimate and surprising about Travis that she’d never known before.
In a way, Kass felt as if she were in one of her dreams with the only man she’d ever loved. And even though he’d made it clear he no longer loved her, she couldn’t help feeling at home in this cabin with him. This was a gift to her. A parting gift, for sure. But at least the next five days would give her a glance into his life as an adult. All she knew was the gangly, awkward, and shy eighteen-year-old who had left her for the Marine Corps. The man who had returned was breathtaking to her. Beautiful in all ways male. Even the timbre of his voice sent waves of longing coursing through her. There was no way to stop the pleasure or sensations that Travis caused her by his mere presence.
Hesitating, Kass knew she was living on borrowed time with Travis. Once this blizzard passed and the roads were plowed, she would be gone from his life. Forever.
Not wanting to think about that, Kass swallowed hard, trying not to feel the sharp, cutting sense of abandonment once again. Travis had told her he was no good for her. When she’d asked why, he said he couldn’t explain it, that she wouldn’t understand even if he did tell her. Travis had been hard and gruff with her at that time, unlike now. Here, he was sensitive to her needs, gentle and so caring that it made her ache for what they might have had but now never would.
In the other corner of the cabin stood a six-foot-tall blue spruce. It was perfectly formed, thick branches, and beautiful but undecorated. Kass wondered why. Maybe she could find out. Maybe they could team up like they did as teenagers, work on a project, have so much fun and laughter doing it. How badly she wanted at least to share that with Travis before she had to walk out of his life for good.