I walked out of the house to the sight of my brothers, every fucking Disciple, on their bikes. They were all dressed in black and ready to ride with me.
Today, we were laying Joel to rest.
Some had their women riding with them. Ember, Cami, Quinn, and Max were all there. Ash, who was pregnant, and Deni, who had a baby in the house, had stayed behind, but the two of them had already called me that morning. They wanted to be with me because they were fucking good women my brothers were lucky to have—even if I gave the guys shit for it. I knew what it meant for Cami to be away from her and Gauge’s boy, Levi. Hell, for any of those women to ride with their men all the way here to be at my back was a sacrifice, but one they made willingly.
Having all of them there, all those people who became family to me over the years, was so fucking humbling.
I remembered then something I hadn’t thought about in years. I was probably ten at the time, just a fucking kid. The school had put on a “family day” where parents and grandparents and all those people could come. There was all kinds of shit set up, like a fair. Food and games and shit for all those happy people to enjoy together.
It was during the school day, so I’d been there for it since it meant I could still take the bus there and back. I was also pretty sure I was the only fucking kid wandering through it all alone.
“There you are. I’ve been looking for you everywhere.”
I turned to see my big brother there. He wasn’t supposed to be there. He was at the middle school now. He took a different bus somewhere else. He took me to the bus stop in the morning, but I had to go home by myself. It was okay, I could do it. But I missed Joel being at my school.
“How’d you get here?” I asked.
“I walked.”
I didn’t know where his school was. I didn’t know if it was far or how he knew the way.
“But won’t you be in trouble for leaving?”
He put a hand on my head and messed up my hair. He did that a lot. I always pushed him away, but I kind of liked it.
“Don’t worry about it.”
That meant he would be. Joel was always telling me not to worry about stuff.
“Come on. Let’s have some fun.”
He took me through the whole thing. We saw everything there was, except some of the real girly stuff. We were eating hot dogs and sitting on the ground later when I really noticed everyone else again.
I didn’t say anything to Joel. I didn’t want to make him feel like I did. It might have been bad, but I was glad he came to be with me. I just wished we had a normal family.
“One day, little brother, we’re gonna have that too,” he said. He knew what I was thinking. Joel always knew.
“You think?”
He took another bite of his hot dog and nodded. “Mmhmmm. We’ll find a couple pretty girls who aren’t annoying and make our own families.”
“But we’ll still have each other?” I didn’t want a girl. I just wanted my brother.
“Always,” he promised. “We’re already family. That’ll never change. We’ll just make it bigger.”
“Bigger sounds good.”
“It will be. It’ll be awesome.”
He was right. He’d found Kate. They’d made Owen.
I had my brothers and their women. A whole fucking club to call family.
But neither of us ever imagined we’d find all that and not have each other.
Always.
He’d promised. Joel had never once in my entire fucking life broken a promise he’d made me. He’d run himself ragged to give me all he could.
This promise was one it just wasn’t in his power to keep.
“Who are all dese people?”
I looked down when I heard the little voice and saw Owen standing beside me.
“These are my brothers,” I told him.
“Like you Daddy’s brother?”
Fuck. Every time he mentioned his dad, it was like a knife to the gut. He still didn’t get it, not totally. I think he was starting to understand Joel wasn’t just at work and would be home any time now, but the real permanence of it wasn’t sinking it. It was a shit situation for us all. It killed me when he brought up Joel, but it destroyed Kate. She couldn’t hack it. Every time it had happened, she’d had to dismiss herself from the room. It was easy to tell she was upset, even for Owen. Her reaction was distressing him probably as much as the fact that Joel wasn’t around.
There was no fucking version of events where I thought we’d be anywhere near making progress yet, but I didn’t expect that we’d still be on the fucking downslide. I kept waiting to slam into rock bottom. Instead, we seemed to be in a perpetual freefall.
“Kind of, buddy,” I responded, trying to keep my voice level even though I had to force the words out. “Remember I told you about the Disciples?”
“You ride mo’cycles!” he declared.
“That’s right. This is them. We don’t all have the same mom and dad like most brothers, but they’re my family anyway.”
He looked around and back to me with a little-boy contemplative look. “But me and Mommy your family.”
“Yeah, you are,” I assured him.
“They my family too?”
I tried to imagine seeing the club the way he was seeing it then, having to look up even as they all sat astride bikes at a distance. It was probably intimidating as hell, even if he hadn’t been engrained to be afraid of bikers like a lot of folks were. Joel’d ridden a Harley for years, and I’d never even owned a fucking car in the time Owen was alive, so bikes weren’t an issue. Still, that kind of crowd would be a lot for any kid.
I picked him up, holding him against my side. “Yeah, little man. They’re your family now too.”
Owen—that fucking kid—lifted his little hand in the air and offered a floppy wave to the crowd watching him. There were chuckles as the guys waved back, and he beamed.
Serious as shit, I needed to check the stats on catching feelings as a cause of death. Owen could have taken his tiny, three-year-old fist and drove it right through my fucking chest and it wouldn’t have hurt so much.
Trying to keep my shit together, I asked him, “Where’s your mom?”
“Bed.”
Like I said, we were just slipping further and further here.
Kate seemed to be harder to get out of the bed with every hour that passed. Part of it was probably the fact that the woman was exhausted. I’d lost enough sleep myself to hear her quietly crying at all fucking hours. The rest was the plain fact that she didn’t want to face any of this, and I couldn’t blame her.
All I’d wanted for days was to drown myself in whiskey and never fucking resurface.
Looking through the throng of bikes, I found Gauge and Cami astride his new Iron 883. With one look, Cami was climbing off the back and heading my way. I was chalking it up to mom instincts. She had plenty of experience raising a little boy to sense when someone needed help.
“Hey there, handsome,” she said to Owen when she made it close. “I’m Cami.”
“Hi.” He smiled at her with a look I recognized. It was a cuter, innocent version of the same smile Joel and I—but mostly I—had been using for years to charm women.
“Do you like motorcycles?” she asked.
Owen nodded. “My daddy has a mo’cycle.”
Has.
Fuck.
Cami’s eyes jumped to mine, the flash of sympathy poignant, but quick enough to hopefully keep Owen from noticing it.
“How about I take you around to see everyone and their bikes?”
Clearly taken with the idea, or Cami, or both, he squirmed his way right out of my arms into hers. Like the pro she was, she wrangled him and took them off to make the rounds.
With a deep breath to steel myself, I went back inside and up to Kate and Joel’s room. I knocked, but didn’t bother waiting to let myself in. I’d already seen Kate was dressed and ready to go, so I wasn’t worried about walking in on her. The light was off, the thick curtains drawn. It was dark enough to seem like it was night.
“Katie?” I called.
“I’m not ready,” she responded, her voice clogged with tears. I was starting to forget what it sounded like without the evidence of her pain there.
I walked into the room fully, moving around the bed to sit on the same side she was on. She always laid on that side, away from the door. I understood why without having to ask. The other side was Joel’s. He’d have chosen it to be closer to the doorway.
Kate’s back was to me, facing the place her husband should be. She was in the fetal position on top of the covers, dressed in a plain black dress that was simple and conservative, but fit her well enough, I knew Joel would have liked it.
“I’m not either,” I admitted.
Her head turned to look at me over her shoulder. There was just enough light to make out the hint of surprise in her features.
“Really?”
“Never be ready for this,” I answered gruffly. “No way any of us could be. But it’s happening. I fucking hate it. I’ve never hated anything in my life as much as this. I hate it for me, for you, for Owen. I hate it for my brother, who we all loved, and who deserved everything good in the world for a long fucking time. I could, I’d get beamed up to wherever we end up after this and take on the man in charge in a heartbeat over him taking Joel.
“Problem is, there isn’t a damn thing we can do. Not one of us. All we have in our power is to give ourselves the goodbyes we need, and the goodbye he would want us to have. I know exactly how much this is killing you, babe, but you gotta think about what he would want for you now. We both know that’s not laying in the dark alone.”
She didn’t argue, couldn’t really. Joel wouldn’t want her in that state. Ever. For any reason.
Even after losing him.
“How do I do this?”
There was that fucking question again.
“I don’t know. I’ve got no fuckin’ clue how we get through this. I just know we don’t do it alone,” I told her. “I’d trade places with him in a fucking heartbeat so he could be here with you and Owen. I’d give all of you that if I could.”
Her delicate hand covered mine. “I’m glad you’re here.”
I knew that was nothing compared to what she would feel if Joel could magically be back. There was no comparison between the two. That didn’t diminish what hearing that from her meant.
“I’ll be here, right at your side forever, sis. You won’t face anything alone. Yeah?”
Her hand squeezed mine.
“Okay,” she said softly. “Let’s go.”