TRYING TO LEARN MORE
A long time ago, Camden recalled, his father had rescued a girl while they were out hunting. He could see her face before him now – a long, soft oval, blessed with wide lips and wide-set eyes. She had been a laborer's child, and a farmer had used her and then set the dogs on her to finish her off. His father had saved her life.
Roma, the girl, had been a maidservant for Camden's aunt, who had lived at the fort following his mother's death. Camden recalled how his aunt had told him to be whenever he was near her.
Don't look at her directly. Don't raise your voice, if you can help it, but don't talk down either. Be gentle, but ordinary. Be cheerful, hopeful, and calm.
That had worked for Roma, who had stayed on with them even after his aunt had left. She, slowly learning to speak, to communicate, to trust, had become the head servant, married a laborer and had four children. Camden sent a silent thanks to aunt Tamsyn as he used her advice afresh.
“Well,” he said with a small smile, “let's not, then.”
He heard her shift in the saddle, guessed – not wanting to turn round and stare at her – that she was staring at him, surprise widening her eyes.
“Where will we go?”
He thought about it. “To Queensferry?”
He heard her relax in the saddle, the creak of old leather as her weight shifted fractionally. “We could?”
“Well, I have a cousin in these parts,” Camden said carefully. “Daughter of my old aunt. She lives in Currie, so mayhap we'd be more sensible to ride there instead?”
He turned a little, just enough to see her expression. She was staring at him and, amid the surprise, was relief. She nodded.
“Let's go?”
Camden nodded. “Let's.”
He turned Carter toward the path that went west again, planning to head away from Edinburgh and northwest toward his cousin's home.
Praying he could still remember where Cousin Joanna lived, Camden went west.
“Your cousin,” Rubina asked cautiously as they rode.
“Mm?”
“She's lived here always?”
“Well, many years. She's the eldest daughter of my aunt. She wed a local knight and they settled here. Good to be close to Edinburgh, or so my auntie said.”
“Oh. Is she nice?”
He chuckled. “I reckon so. I've not seen her for ten years, but I know she's nice.”
“Good.”
They rode on. Camden was tired and footsore. “Would it suit you,” he said carefully, “if we stopped by the inn? I'd like to hire a horse. You can wait with Carter. I promise I won't be long.”
He glanced back again and saw her face stiffen. He felt bad. However, what could he do?
“Very well.”
They stopped and borrowed a horse and rode on. When they reached Currie, they had run out of topics of conversation and Camden could feel her irritation brooding. He reached out to halt her as they paused to get a sense of direction.
His hand touched her white-skinned one. She tensed and hissed in a breath. Glared at him. He wished he could cry. What was he going to do? He might have lost her forever.
I wish I had that evil Englishman in front of me. What the dogs did to him was a mercy compared to what I'd do.
He breathed out sharply and tried to compose himself.
“Sorry,” he said.
She blinked, her face implacable and cold.
“Fine,” she said.
They rode on until they reached the gate. He flinched. She couldn't come into the town wearing a shift. What could he do?
“My lady?”
“Yes?”
“Carter and this fellow need tending. Would you mind if we stop at the mill-house there?”
She cast a blank, indifferent gaze toward the direction he indicated. Her brow rose fractionally.
“Why not?”
He nodded. They rode on.
Leaving Rubina at the water's edge, upriver but still just in sight of the miller's home. Camden set off toward the cottage. He felt in his purse, knowing he had just enough to buy a robe off the miller's wife if he had to.
“Hello?”
The woman who answered the door gave him a hostile glare. He cleared his throat.
“Madam?” he said with courtly politesse, “might I buy a dress?”
A shilling and an exorbitant explanation later, Camden had a dress. He walked back upriver to Rubina. He cleared his throat uncomfortably.
“Um...milady?”
“What?” Her voice was coldly indifferent now, as it had been the moment they reached the outskirts of the town.
“I...” he blushed. “I need to relieve myself. Can you hold this?”
“Fine,” she said dryly. She held out her arms for the bundle. He saw a flicker of interest cross her face and then hurried away.
When he came back, he stared. She was wearing the long white linen gown that belonged to the miller's wife. It was full-skirted, with a tight bodice and plain, but it was beautiful on her as a ball gown would also be. He sighed.
She is so beautiful. I love her dearly. I wish she was happy, carefree, and playful as before.
He knew he couldn't make it happen, though, any more than he could change the weather or make the hillsides flat. He had to accept that she might never trust anyone again.
“So,” he said, pretending not to notice. “Shall we go?”
She nodded tightly. They mounted at the fence and rode in.
Camden was surprised, as they passed through into the town, that he remembered things. The place was cobbled and close-packed with houses, an inn and a stable was the first building they saw, followed by the smelter and the carpenter and the wheelwright.
“It's here, up the street of bakers,” he said. The last time Camden had visited Joanna was ten years ago. However, the town, fortunately, hadn't changed much. Breathing in the scents of spice and bannocks and, more overwhelmingly, of soot, he headed up the avenue of bakers and stopped outside a whitewashed house.
The street was wide, the thatched roofs here in good repair. Somewhere nearby was the market square – the better area of town. He had found it. He slid out of the saddle and knocked.
“Hello?”
“Hello. Is Mistress Joanna MacCovern in?”
The housekeeper nodded. “Yes, sir. Who is calling?”
“Her cousin.”
Joanna appeared – the ten years had turned her hair gray and left deep furrows round her pale eyes, but she smiled at him with delight on her sweet, firm features.
“Camden! Come inside!”
He tensed. Rubina was beside him, a pale, icy presence.
“Cousin Joanna? Please meet Lady Rubina. Rubina? My lady, my cousin Joanna.”
He held his breath, sending Joanna a silent message with his eyes. Don't ask questions.
Joanna smiled. “My lady! Welcome.”
Camden stood back for Rubina, feeling relieved, as the two ladies went into the house. He waited while Rubina asked in a small, tight voice where the privy closet was and then hastily disappeared up the hallway. Then he turned to Joanna.
“What brings you here, my friend?” she asked. If she meant to ask him why he was riding alone with a woman who was clearly, despite the homespun garb, from levels further up the social ladder than he was, she didn't ask. All the same, it was implicit in her words, the tone she used.
Camden rolled his eyes to the wooden-beam ceiling, where they could both hear someone walking about. Joanna frowned.
“I don't want her to hear me tell you,” he whispered.
“Oh.” Her reply was tranquil.
He told her a little and Joanna nodded when he was done, her face warm and strong with understanding.
“She can stay as long as she wishes to.”
Camden swallowed hard. “Thank you, cousin.” He had not expected her to react any differently, but even so it was a relief.
“Not at all. Now,” she continued loudly, as if nothing had passed between them, “I have two rooms that will suit. You, cousin, can settle your bones in the parlor. Your companion can take my daughter Ettie's room.”
Camden nodded. “My thanks.”
“I am sorry to be any trouble to you.”
The soft voice that spoke from the top of the stairs had thawed since the ride and since meeting Joanna, Camden noticed. He allowed his heart to relax fractionally. He glanced up to where Rubina stood at the head of the stairs, her long red hair arranged, now, into a braid. She looked calm, pale and intensely lovely.
Joanna smiled at her with real warmth. “It's no trouble, my dear. No trouble. I do love company. Now come and take something to eat in the parlor...”
Camden saw Rubina tense but then continue down the stairs to join them. His cousin had oatcakes and ale sent up and they sat in the small wood-paneled room with sunlight streaming through the long windows.
Rubina ate little and didn't speak much. She seemed to listen with interest to the stories he and Joanna exchanged, silly stories about their childhoods and their shared acquaintances.
When the conversation died down, he heard Rubina clear her throat.
“Excuse me,” she said softly. “I need to lie down.”
“Of course,” Joanna said. “Mrs. McGuinness will show you up.”
Camden watched her stand with frigid dignity and walk out of the room, heading upstairs. His eyes clung to her tall shapely form, her long, red-burnished hair, her stately posture.
Joanna sighed.
He sighed too. “I love her,” he confessed. The dark wood-paneled space with its sun shafts and dust kept his secret.
Joanna smiled. “I noticed, lad,” she said kindly. “But what will you do?”
He shook his head. Leaning his elbows on the table, he rested his chin in them, letting the tension drain out of him now that Rubina was, for the moment at least, safe. “I don't know.”
“You've asked her to wed you?”
He chuckled. “Joanna, she's a duke's daughter. Whatever happens, even if her father disowned her, I could not dishonor her.”
“Is it likely?” Joanna asked bluntly. “You get some wicked folks about.”
Camden shook his head. “No. He'd never do it. Joanna, she's too far above me.”
She shook her head. “Well, then. You could still ask.”
Camden sighed again. “Not anymore. She hates me to even touch her. How could I marry her now...how could I foist myself on her?”
Joanna nodded, her face tense suddenly. “Well, I understand that what that brute did...” she trailed off, not wanting to speak of it. “I understand. You must, too. She might never wed you.”
Camden swallowed hard. “I know.” his voice was a whisper.
“Not because of...what was done. Not just that,” she said. “But because you witnessed her humiliation. It'll be hard to forgive.”
Camden let out a long, shuddering breath. “I understand,” he said.
Because he did understand. He had saved Rubina, and every time he saw her, she would remember that. She would remember her vulnerability. Her humiliation and fear. She would hate him for being there to see it. For remembering it too.
He let out a long sigh and his face in his hands. He had saved her and he had lost her.
All the same, I would not want it any differently. I would not want to have done anything other than what I did. I would rather have her free and safe and in a convent somewhere, hating me, than have her harmed.
Joanna sighed and shifted, sensing his mood. “I'll tell Mrs. McGuinness to send up a brew of mint. Settles the stomach, I always find. Want some?”
Camden nodded. Left to himself, he stood and walked over to the fireplace. It was lit, despite the fact that it wasn't particularly cold. He bent down and watched the twisting red-gold flames. They reminded him, painfully, of Rubina. Of the red of her hair, of her eyes. Of the radiance and happiness with which she had smiled at him. The trust.
He groaned, recalling that day, just past two days before, when she had been unwell and had taken his hand and, trusting, declared her love for him.
I have lost her forever now. As sure as if she was gone from here. However, all the same, he thought, hunched over the fire as he watched the flames and breathed the smoke and listened to his cousin and her housekeeper in the kitchen across the hallway, he would not change a second. He would rather have her safe and free.
I love her too much to ever wish aught else.