My heart and soul felt empty.
The pastor stood a few feet away, quoting scripture and giving comforting words. “The days will get better; this is not a forever goodbye. You will see your beloved family member, your friend again.” Waves of nausea rolled through my body.
Slow raindrops fell from the gray clouds and thunder rolled in the distance. Under a green tent, eleven rows of wine colored chairs seated mourners paying last respects. I sat in the front row of the graveside service for Ryan Garrison Williams with his parents Webb and Elizabeth Williams.
Absently, I twirled my engagement ring still on my left ring finger. He was my best friend, my lover, my soul mate. Tears streamed down my face onto my black silk blouse and I didn’t try to stop them. This would be the last time I’d be this close to his body, before they lowered the elegant bronze casket into the ground. I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to block out the sounds of sobbing surrounding me. People mourned, but none were as broken as me.
He’s wrong. This is goodbye. Forever without him. I wanted to stand and scream, “Please come back to me! I need you and I can’t make it without you!”
Behind me, more than a hundred people attended the funeral service, most from the political world of Senator Webb Williams.
The pastor continued. “Ryan is in a better place, where there is no sadness or pain.”
Ryan’s parents leaned on one another and tears flowed from their eyes. Bile rose in my throat at their public display of theatrical grieving. People here didn’t know his relationship with them had been strained, but I did. Ryan’s high and mighty father never forgave him for not choosing a law career.
Blocking out the pastor’s words, my mind drifted back three years to when I had met Ryan by complete accident. He was working on a photo shoot as I walked down the New York City street heading for my favorite bistro. I had a swing in my step, giddy with excitement over my upcoming graduation with a business degree from University State. With honors, no less.
Under a setting sun, a crowd of people gathered, pointing at a breathtaking setting. The sunset cast a natural orange hue, and a small table for two had been set with white china, candles, and roses under a leaning tree on the sidewalk. Leaves danced in the gentle breeze and clear lights covered the branches.
Captivated by the moment, I stopped to gaze at the man dressed in a dark suit who sat across the table from a beautiful woman in a short, aqua colored dress. He stood, and with a small black velvet ring box open in his hand, he dropped to one knee to pop the big question.
A man with his back to me stood and called out, “Let’s do it again.”
The photographer turned toward the crowd and gave the most dazzling smile I’d ever seen. I shivered inside and out. His sandy brown hair and Caribbean blue eyes made him so damned beautiful, I forgot to breathe. They repeated the same session several times, until he nodded and said, “Great work people, we’ve got it.”
He wore jeans with holes at the knees, flip flops and a dark navy shirt fitting his body like he’d been poured into it. The moment I saw his eyes and heard his alluring seductive voice, he had me.
A restless child whined, jerking my attention back to the surety of where I was. The pastor concluded the service with a prayer, and with my head bowed and eyes closed, I felt a strong hand grasp mine tightly. I didn’t know who held my hand. I didn’t care.
The funeral director announced, “Webb and Elizabeth have asked me to extend an invitation to join them at their home afterward. Please take all the time you need to pay your last respects.”
Sobbing, I struggled to stand. As I stepped forward and placed both hands on top of the bronze surface, a strong arm wrapped around my waist. Colin Williams. Ryan’s cousin. He supported me against him, keeping me from falling to the ground.
Colin pulled my hands off the casket, tightened his arm around my waist and forced me to step away. “Come on Jenna, I’ll take you to Webb and Elizabeth’s.”
I didn’t answer him. I simply placed one foot in front of the other, walking toward his car in a catatonic state. He held an umbrella over our heads, shielding us from the rain while supporting me with his other arm. Ryan and I hadn’t seen Colin for a few months, but I was glad to see him today. I needed him.
The ride to the house took less than thirty minutes and it was all in silence, except for the alternative rock music playing on the radio. I closed my eyes, resting my head against the seat and listening to lyrics but not hearing a single word in the song.
Ryan’s voice echoed in my head. “Get away from them. Get back to New York as fast as you can, Jen.” Twice I had flown to Texas with him for a tense Christmas dinner. We never spent the night, always flying back home the same day. Both times his father criticized his choice of becoming a photographer. The bastard always tried to make him feel beneath them.
I longed to go to my hotel room and curl into a tight ball on the bed. His family insisted I stay with them, but I knew it was for public appearance only. If they didn’t give a damn about Ryan, they sure as shit didn’t give a rats ass about me. Tomorrow I would fly back to our condo, where he didn’t exist anymore.
We arrived at the luxurious home, large enough to call a mansion. People mingled in the massive foyer, offering condolences to his parents. I acknowledged some of them with a weak smile as Colin escorted me through the crowd.
I’d lost track of time when Colin asked, “Want to go outside for fresh air?” He watched my every move, my every expression. With one look into his eyes, I knew he hurt just as much as me.
I nodded and he placed his gentle hand on my back, guiding me forward to the French doors. The rain had subsided, stars twinkled across the sky, and the cool April night air brushed across my bare arms. Ryan always told me spring was nice in Texas before the sultry heat. We sat at the patio table, alongside the Olympic-sized pool. Colin plopped down across from me.
He removed his suit jacket, placed it over the chair next to him, and loosened the light grey tie around his neck. “You know he had a will, right?”
I hadn’t thought about anything since arriving at the Emergency Room. With one look, the eyes of the doctors and nurses told me the horrific truth without a single word spoken. Everything became a fog, including the call I made to his parents. Amanda, my best friend, took care of everything, except she hadn’t been able to accompany me to Texas. She was having a baby and scheduled for an induction the next day.
“I don’t know… I mean… Damn, Colin, I can’t even think about that right now,” I whispered.
“He had one Jenna. You know I was also his attorney.”
Was.
I hated that word. I hated the way people said ‘knew him’ or ‘loved him’. They should say ‘He is’, or ‘know him’ or ‘love him’.
Everything bottled inside of me poured out from the center of my being. “There’s no was, Colin. I love him, not loved him! I hate how everyone is referring to him as if they did, but now they don’t! Damn it, I love him, not loved him!”
He pulled a soft designer handkerchief from his pocket and reached across the table and wiped the tears from my face. His eyes glistened with tears threatening to spill down his cheeks. I felt like a complete shit basically accusing him of not loving Ryan anymore.
“He is my family and I love him,” Colin whispered with a hoarse voice.
We sat together in silence.
“Jen, I’m here for you and I’m always on your side.”
Behind us, a door opened and closed. Footsteps approached and Colin’s face hardened. He nodded, “Uncle Webb.” His greeting seemed odd, like a warning. His muscles tensed and his eyes narrowed.
“Colin. Jenna.” Webb’s deep blue eyes lacked warmth. Empty and emotionless. He eased down in the chair between us.
Colin pulled a cigarette from his dress shirt pocket, reminding me of Ryan. Occasionally Ryan had lit one up to relax or if he had a lot on his mind.
“Jenna, Elizabeth and I insist you stay in our home tonight. We don’t want you to be alone.” His authoritative words lacked a trace of compassion.
“Thank you, but I’m okay. I want to be alone. I need this time for me.” I may have been shaking on the inside, but on the outside I sat calm and held my composure like a poker player with a royal flush.
“Nonsense. You’ll stay with us.” He retrieved his cell phone from his pocket. “The Plaza Del Rio right?”
He was going to call my hotel? And do what? Cancel my reservation?
“Mr. Williams, I’m not staying here.” I kept eye contact with him.
Colin spoke up. “I think now’s a good time to head out. Come on, I’ll drive you.”
For a brief second, a serious silent conversation took place between the two men. Webb’s forehead creased and he became rigid. He frowned, and I knew it didn’t have anything to do with burying his son today. Anger radiated off him and daggers flew from his dark eyes.
Condescending bastard. Asshole.
“We need to discuss moving Ryan’s things home and arrange for the sale of his condo.”
Ryan’s things? Sale of our Condo? Not condescending, just a crazy bastard!
He pushed my limit and sent me reeling. “You’re not moving one damn thing of Ryan’s! We lived in that condo together and everything in it is ours! Did you forget we were going to get married in a few months? You don’t have a say!”
He raised his eyebrows. “I’m not planning on putting you on the streets, little girl. But you were not quite married to my son. Then there is the matter and interest of…”
Colin stood. “Enough Uncle Webb! Stop! This is not the time or the place to discuss legalities. For God’s sake, you just buried your son, and Jenna’s not capable of making any decisions right now.” He clenched his fists and his face mottled with rage. His chest rose and fell with hard and fast breathing.
“Sit. Down. Colin. Now is the time,” Webb commanded, his voice smooth and vile. “She’s not giving me much choice if she’s flying back to New York in the morning. Right now seems to be the perfect time.”
Trembling, I stood beside Colin. “I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m more sorry for mine. I love him and will for the rest of my life. The condo was our home, where I plan to stay. Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to my hotel.”
Webb’s voice spat liquid poison. “There are circumstances that will change your mind. Make you love him less.” He smiled, enjoying having my attention. “After you hear the truth, you can decide if he’s still the man you’ll love the rest of your life. I’m itching to know.”
Colin reached over grabbing Webb’s upper arm. “Shut up, Webb! I won’t tell you again!” Webb reddened even more. “Unhand me, son. Now.”
Colin withdrew his hand and turned toward me. “Jenna, go to the car. I’ll meet you there in just a minute.” His eyes pleaded but I couldn’t take a step. Like a magnetic force, Webb Williams had my full attention.
“Go. I’ll only be a minute,” Colin pleaded, and gave me another gentle push forward. My mind screamed at me to run, but I didn’t budge.
“There’s nothing you could say to make me love him less! Nothing! Don’t you ever come near me again!” My finger pointed in his face. “Ever!”
“Oh but there is. She’s six months old. She has his eyes and she shares his DNA. You see, you’ve been sharing my son with another woman.” His words cut through, plunging deep into my heart.
I stood frozen in place, a million miles away. Colin left my side and in slow motion, walked toward his uncle. His fist pummeled into Webb’s chin, sending him flying to the ground. I slipped further away until there was nothing but total darkness and my body fell onto the pebbled patio.