CHAPTER THIRTY
Ruby
I’m lying on my couch, re-watching some TV show I’ve seen a million times, trying to figure out how to get through to Caleb when the doorbell rings. At first I ignore it, not wanting to disturb my brooding, but then I hear his voice.
“Red?” It’s unsure and soft as he knocks on the door this time. “I know I don’t deserve for you to let me in, but I’m asking you to. Please?”
For a moment I think about ignoring him, I think about letting him sit out there and sweat. Give him the same type of reaction he’s given me, but I realize quickly one of us has to be the bigger person. That person is me, because I know he’s hurting and I know he’s dealt with the situation he’s been thrust into the best way he knows how.
Opening the door, I stand there with my arms crossed. Until I see what he’s carrying in his hands.
The ugliest looking cupcakes I’ve ever seen in my life.
“I finally realized why he made them, even though they looked like shit,” he gives me a slight smile. “It’s the thought that counts, and the selflessness that he knew I’d hate them because of what they looked like. He did it because he loved me, and he wanted to try and make me happy.”
Tears are already pouring from my eyes, as I step back and let Caleb in.
A little while later, we’ve moved to the bedroom. We’re laying with my head on his chest, and while it feels good to be wrapped up in his arms, I’m feeling anger. He did fuck up, it did hurt, and I’m not over it yet. We lay with one another, comforting each other against whatever it is that’s bothering us. It’s a familiar place to be, but now it’s been slightly tainted by the way he’s acted.
“I know I’ve broken your trust, Ruby, because I didn’t let you be there for me, but I want to prove to you I’m worthy of it now.”
I hear what Caleb is saying, and while I’m willing to give him a free pass on what happened after the shooting, it doesn’t mean that I’m not still upset with him. It hurts, to know that he didn’t trust me, and yeah in a way, my trust is broken now too. “Caleb…” I let the word fall off because I don’t know how to explain, don’t know what I can say to change it.
“No, I get it. I hurt you when I didn’t need to. Instead of coming to you for help, I pushed you away, and then I gave you mixed signals. I fucked up, I fucked up in a big way.”
The frustration and anger seeps over. I fold my arms across my chest, fix him with a stare, and let him have it. “I told you I’d be here for you. I’m glad you’re here now and I want to help you. What I don’t want is for you to just think that when things get hard, you can be a fuck face, say you’re sorry, make me cupcakes, and all will be forgiven. That’s not how this is going to work, babe. I need to know if I put my trust in you again, I won’t regret it.”
I’ve said my peace, and he nods, accepting it.
“C’mere.” He motions for me to lay on him. “Let me prove you can trust me.”
“How?” I’m suspicious as I look down at him, wondering if he’s playing some sort of game. I’m not sure my heart can take it if he is. These last few days have been difficult, at best.
“Give me your hands.” He holds his to me, palms up.
For a split second I think about it, but then I place mine in his.
“Brace against me,” he instructs.
And that’s when I feel him lift me up, propping me with his hands and feet in the air. “Caleb you know I’m scared of heights.” The fear is making my heart pound, even though I’m literally inches away from him.
“I know, Ruby Red, but trust me to make sure you don’t fall. Let go and have fun, enjoy the feeling in your stomach and the excitement in your throat.”
“More like I’m about to puke on you,” I ground out between clenched teeth. I’m scared, shaking, not trusting him to take care of me, not trusting him not to let me fall.
“Relax,” he instructs, his dark eyes boring into mine. “Relax and trust me, Red. Please, just trust me.”
There’s hysterical fear in my body right now, most of it is unfounded. Even if he does drop me, I’m only going to fall off the bed, but the fear is real. It’s there. It’s a war within myself as I try to determine if I’m going to forgive him. If I’m going to trust him. If anyone had asked me before the incident, I would have said with zero hesitation that Caleb was mine, I was his, and we were going to be together. I thought he believed in me, believed in us, but he threw all of that into my face, and didn’t give a shit.
Another part of me argues that he’d been through a traumatic experience, and none of us ever know how we’re going to react when that happens. Maybe he was doing the best he could with what he had, emotionally, and maybe what I’m here to do is be the person who supports him no matter what. Who stands behind him and is strong when he doesn’t believe he can be. Who picks him up when he falls down or forgets what he has. Looking inside myself, I wonder if holding the grudge is worth missing out on everything we’ve shared together. I’ve given many things to this man that I’ve never given anyone else, and I’m not about to throw it all away, because times got a little rough.
Decision made, I close my eyes, relax, and trust him. I feel like I’m flying as he props me up on him, holding me with his palms against mine. “I trust you,” I whisper.
He holds me aloft for a few seconds, then rolls me over in his arms. “Thank you.” He holds me tight, wrapping his arms around me, burying his face in my hair. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Ruby. So sorry that I couldn’t get out of my own head.” His voice is hoarse as he finally…fucking finally spills his guts.
“I felt like shit, ya know? Like there was some way I could have prevented what happened, if I would have done something differently.” His voice is deep as he talks. “It was my first kill.” There’s tears in his eyes. “All the other guys on the team, they have that military experience, but all I did was ROTC in college. I didn’t go to war, I didn’t know what it was like to end a human life. It’s a lot to take in, Red, a lot to forgive yourself for. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. How could I think you or Kels, or Mom and Dad could look at me?”
“Who got to you?” I ask softly, holding him against me, running my hands up and down his back.
“Morgan. He said some things that make a lot of sense. Dad too. They found out that the guy had threatened suicide by cop before. There was no way he was being taken without a fight. I literally had no choice.”
I breathe deeply, so happy that he’s forgiven himself. Elated that he’s overcome this speed bump that’s been hindering us for the past few weeks. At the same time, it scares me even more. There will be a next time, there always is. Will he push me away? Will he let me help? “Promise me,” I whisper digging my nails into his shirt, holding him tightly against my body.
“What? What promise do you need?”
“I need you to promise that next time you won’t shut me out. Next time you show me, next time you let me see the ugly, the vulnerable. And there will be a next time, Caleb, in your line of work, we both know that. You can show me the anger too, but not to push me away, to let it out. I can take whatever you have to throw at me. I’m not letting you go, and I don’t run away that easily.”
His brown eyes cloud, when he puts a hand to my face, cupping my cheek. I turn into the caress, kissing his palm. “I forgot that some people do stick around when things get tough.”
“Most people do, and you can count on me to always be one. Love doesn’t mean you’re around when everything’s perfect. Love means you see the ugly, you comfort the hurt, and you fix the broken. Love isn’t always easy and it’s not always beautiful, but that’s what makes it worth it.”
“I don’t deserve you, Red. As much as you lost your trust in me, I flat out didn’t trust you.”
I fight back the tears that are threatening to fall. “I forgive you, and that’s all that matters.”
He moves his hands around to the nape of my neck, pushing our foreheads together. “The whole time, the only thing running through my head was I never told Ruby I love her, even after eight months together, I never told you. I wanna tell you now, I don’t want you to ever doubt it.”
My face is breaking apart in one of the biggest smiles I’ve ever had. “I love you, Ruby Red, you’re my everything.”
“You’re my everything too, don’t ever forget that.”
And as we lie there with one another, I let all the tears fall, let all the hurt go, and look forward to what the future holds for us.