Elise stared at her television, not really paying attention to what was playing. She was tired, but she knew she wouldn’t sleep. She had been like this for the last week. Since Luke had walked out of her house. Despite going to work every day and then coming home and working on her new house until she was exhausted, sleep had been eluding her.

Every time she lay down, she would go over and over her last conversation with Luke. And then she would question whether or not she’d done the right thing. But, whenever she thought about picking up the phone to call him, she would hear her mother’s voice in her head. Over and over again. It was a vicious cycle, and she was seriously considering a lobotomy.

Elise heard her front door open and close, and even though she knew it had been locked, she couldn’t muster up any fear that someone was breaking in.

Bring it on. She was ready for a fight.

Rachel came around the corner and stopped when she saw Elise. Her expression turned to pity, and for the first time, Elise wanted to punch her friend. Pity was the worst.

“Remind me to take your key away,” Elise said.

Ignoring Elise’s bad mood, Rachel came further into the room and sat next to Elise. “What the hell is going on?”

Elise looked around the room and back at Rachel. “Uh, nothing. Just watching some TV.”

Rachel raised her eyebrows. “Don’t be a wiseass. You know what I mean. What’s going on with you and Luke?”

Elise sank down into the couch. “Nothing. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Too bad. When I come in here on a Friday night to see you staring off into space with your sweats on, your hair looking like you didn’t brush it all day, and tearstains on your cheeks, I’m going to talk to you. All you’re missing is a bucket of ice cream and a roll of cookie dough. So, what gives, Elise?”

She absolutely did not want to talk about this. Besides Kristen and James, no one knew what her mother had said to her at the restaurant. It was humiliating, and Elise was too ashamed to tell her friend.

“Nothing.”

“What if I told you I already know? Some of it anyway.”

No way. “How?”

“I called your sister.”

Elise groaned. “Why?”

“Because you won’t talk to me. You don’t want to hang out. You just sit at home every night.”

“I do not. I’ve been busy unpacking and putting all my crap away.”

“That’s just an excuse not to deal with anything.”

“Whatever.”

“Do you want to talk about what your mother said to you?”

Fuck no. “Fuck no.”

“Tough.”

Elise realized Rachel wasn’t going to leave until she talked to her. “Fine. My mother said some mean things to me, yes. She really hurt my feelings, and what’s worse is that she is right.”

“What did she say to you, Elise?”

“I thought you already knew.”

“I want to hear you say it.”

Elise sighed. “She basically called me a slut and said no man would ever take me seriously or see me as a wife and mother. That she hoped that someone would take pity on me and marry me someday. I just couldn’t let things get any further with Luke, knowing it would eventually end anyway.”

Rachel grimaced. “Oh, man, Elise, that is harsh.”

Elise shrugged. “It’s true.”

“Wait a second. If that’s true for you, then it must be true for me, too.”

Elise vehemently shook her head. “No. You and Sean dated for, like, a month before you slept with him. You made Sean wait. You made him work for it. You showed him that you were worth it in the end. I think you even met his family before you slept together.”

Rachel put her fingers to her temples. “I am a little confused. I need to process this for a second.” After about a minute, Rachel said, “Okay, so you think, because you and Luke had a one-night stand, he will only ever see you as someone like that and will never see you as someone good enough to bring home to his mom and dad.”

“Yeah. You get it. It’s not that confusing.”

“That’s bullshit. You know your parents are archaic in their thinking.”

“I thought so, too, so I decided to look up articles on the internet. Instead of reassuring me, they basically confirmed what my mother had said.”

“Don’t you think that should be for Luke to decide instead of you just assuming he felt that way?”

Elise wanted to cry again. If she looked at Rachel, she would, so she focused on the TV instead. “But what if it’s all subconscious? What if he doesn’t even realize he feels that way? Not until years later when he meets some nice virginal librarian who makes him wait a year before having sex with him, and when she does, it’s strictly missionary and for procreation only. And he realizes that he doesn’t want to be with some dirty slut who put out the first night.”

“Holy shit. Your parents screwed you up more than I thought. And I swear to God, Elise, if you call yourself a slut one more time, I’m going to slap you.”

Elise shrank back, a little afraid of her friend. Elise had several inches and several pounds on Rachel, but she had a feeling her friend would win if they actually got in a fight.

“Do you really think women who sleep around are sluts?”

Elise sighed. “No. Of course not. Women should be able to be with who they want, when they want.”

“Good. Now, did you know that, when Sean and I started dating, he was the one who made me wait? I was ready to sleep with him on the first date.”

“No. I had no idea.”

“That’s because I was a little embarrassed that he’d turned me down, and I didn’t want anyone to know.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. So, do you think I’m a slut?”

“Of course not.”

“Now, we’re getting somewhere.”

“What do you mean?”

“So, if I’m not a slut and women who sleep around aren’t sluts, why are you?”

Elise knew Rachel had a point, but she didn’t have an answer. “I don’t know.”

“Going all the way back to college, did you ever notice that the guys you liked having sex with were never really serious relationships? And that you only seriously dated guys who were boring in bed?”

“Yeah, I kind of realized that this summer, but so what?”

“Luke is the first guy you’ve enjoyed sex with, the first guy you’ve been yourself with, and the first you’ve dared to call your boyfriend. And I think it scares the shit out of you. I think your parents have gotten so far in your head that you don’t even realize that you have some weird thing where you think you can’t be yourself in the bedroom and be worthy of dating. You want to be this twenty-first century feminist woman who does what she wants, but deep down, you think that a wife and mother has to be sweet and demure in the bedroom.”

Elise put her head back against the couch and thought about what her friend had said. Had she really thought that? It would explain her sexual and dating history.

“Elise?”

She lifted her head and looked at Rachel.

“It’s really okay to like sex. And I bet that is one of the things Luke likes about you. He likes you because you like sex, not in spite of you liking sex. Elise, so what if you’re dirty in bed? Just because you’re dirty, it doesn’t mean you’re dirty. No matter what your mother would like for you to believe.”

Elise didn’t reply because her mind was spinning. She never really realized how much her upbringing had affected her. She’d thought that she had thrown that all aside, but it clearly still influenced the way she thought about herself.

“Look, hon, I just want you to think about what I said, okay?”

“I will.”

Rachel looked at her with speculation.

“I promise. You really have given me a lot to think about.”

Rachel sighed with relief. “Good, because I hate to see you and Luke miserable.”

“Luke’s miserable?”

Rachel nodded sadly. “Sean can’t get much out of him, but apparently, you and Luke have a lot in common because Luke has been working doubles at the hospital. Sean thinks he’s been using work to try to forget about you. What did you say to him?”

“Something along the lines of how we shouldn’t have jumped into bed and that I didn’t realize it would mean our relationship wasn’t good enough. And that having multiple partners was bad for our relationship.”

“Did you say you having multiple partners or Luke having multiple partners?”

“Neither. I was a little general on the whole subject because I was too embarrassed to come out and say that my sexual history was the reason our relationship was doomed.” Elise thought about it. “My mom and dad really did kind of mess with my head, huh?”

Rachel snorted. “Ya think? But back to you and Luke. Do you think he might have thought you meant him and his sexual history?”

“What?” Elise was shaken. “No. Why would he think that? Guys sleep around all the time. It’s women who have the stigma attached to them.”

“Well, hon, you didn’t get involved with Luke in the past because he was a player. Maybe he thinks that it made you change your mind about him. Did you ever think that maybe Luke thinks he’s not the one who is good enough to marry? That maybe, because of his past, he thinks that you think he’s not worthy of being a husband and father?”

Elise shook her head. “No, he can’t.” She did not want to think of Luke feeling the horrible pain she had this past week.

“He can, Elise, and there’s a big chance he does.”

Elise just couldn’t wrap her mind around it. Everyone loved Luke. How could he ever think badly of himself?

Rachel patted Elise’s knee. “I see I’ve given you even more to think about. I’m going to go for now.”

Elise looked at her friend from where she’d been staring off into space.

“Call me next time you feel this way. I won’t judge you, sweetie. That’s why we’re friends. You don’t judge me, and I don’t judge you. Okay?”

Elise nodded once. “Okay.”

Rachel hugged her. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. Thank you.”

Rachel leaned away. “You’re welcome.”

Rachel left, and Elise shut off her television and walked slowly up to her bedroom. She had a lot of information to process, and she knew she needed to talk to Luke. No matter what, she needed to make sure he understood where she’d been coming from.

For the first time all week, Elise actually slept.