Clarise
“Amen,” I repeat after the priest, my voice just another one in the chorus. Lowering my head, I wait until the casket is moved down into the hole in the ground, and I have to grit my teeth to stop myself from crying.
It’s hard to bury someone who cared about you. Maybe the correct thing to say would be that it’s hard to bury someone we cared about… But, the truth is, the people who end up leaving a mark in our lives are the ones who cared about us, not the opposite.
And Edward was exactly that kind of person. Wise and patient, he put up with me even though my family saw me as nothing more than a spoiled little brat. And for that, I’m eternally grateful.
In my hands there’s a small rose with a long stem, its petals painted in a violet red. I brought it with me so that I could lay it on top of his casket. It might seem a bit silly, but I just wanted to offer one final gesture.
Before the dirt is shoveled on top of the casket, I take one step forward and breath in deeply. I’m just a few feet away from the hole in the ground when my eyes find Connor’s; he’s standing opposite of me, and there’s something in the way with which he’s looking at me that ignites a slow burning fire inside me.
Oh, God.
Okay, look… I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I just can’t stop myself.
Pursing my lips, I take a few steps forward; I look down at the casket, a thin layer of dirt already covering it, and I bend over slowly, my fingers curled tight around the stem of the rose.
Opening up my hand, I let the rose fall down, and it lands on top of the casket softly. Bending over as I am, I feel my breasts hanging loosely, and I know that Connor has a pretty nice view of my cleavage right now. In a way, maybe I’ve chosen this spot unconsciously… fully knowing that it’d put me right in front of him.
Again, let me ask you, does this make me a bad person? After all, Connor’s burying his father, and here I am… Showing off my cleavage in a rather lewd way. Now, don’t think that I’m jiggling my breasts like some stripper on stage—no, I did it rather carefully, making sure that I was in Connor’s line of sight only.
Still, it’s in poor taste, I know. But desire doesn’t really care about taste, does it? Desire only wants that sweet electric crackle, and it’s not something that I, or anyone, for that matter, can really control. At least that’s the way I choose to see it.
Standing up, I lock my eyes on Connor’s, and my heart almost skips a beat as I fall under his gaze. He’s staring straight at me and, even though his expression is a solemn one, I somehow can see that he enjoyed the sight of my breasts. How? I have no idea, but something in his eyes tells me that there’s more to Connor than whatever vow he took.
I still find it hard to wrap my head around the fact that Connor took a vow of celibacy. It almost seems… wrong. Handsome as he is, smart and charming as well, it’s almost a sin for him to remove himself out of the dating pool.
Perversely, knowing that he took a vow makes me want him even more. Yes, I’ve said it; I want him. And I don’t need to tell you exactly how I want him, do I?
Without even thinking about what I’m doing, I let my feet carry me forward. I stop right in front of him, still looking straight into his eyes, and then offer him a slight smile. “I’m truly sorry, Connor,” I tell him, and I mean every word of it. “Your father was … he was my friend,” I continue, not knowing what else to say.
“I know,” he replies softly, returning my smile even though there’s a deep sadness in his eyes. Ah, I wish I could help clear all that sadness … and maybe I can. But, of course, I can’t do anything right now.
With a slight nod, I then turn on my heels and march straight to the place where I was, joining my father as the dirt starts to pile up on top of Edward’s casket. We stand there for a long moment, watching in silence, and only walk away when the sky turns grey. A light drizzle starts taking over the day, and that’s when the whole crowd starts heading out of the cemetery, heading for their cars, and preparing to make the drive toward the Donovan estate. Knowing that there’s no way that Connor could organize such a thing, being that he was in Rome and all that, my father decided to do the repast in our own estate.
In a way, it might seem like my family is taking up the spotlight. I know that, but what else can we do? Edward was, after all, one of the most important members of our family, even if he didn’t share the Donovan blood.
Following after my father, I start walking back to our limo. I stop for a few seconds as the driver holds the door for me, and I look back over my shoulder to see Connor standing in the rain, all by himself. His eyes are downcast, but there’s a kind of serenity and poise in the way with which he’s standing.
When I finally get inside the limo, I realize that I was holding my breath. There’s something about Connor, and it’s definitely more than him being eye-candy. No, he’s so much more than that. In a sense, it almost feels like he has the wisdom of his father and the confidence of a young man… And that in addition to his good looks, of course.
Oh, now I definitely want him.