Tessa

Watching Lane walk out shatters some small part of me. That part won’t die. It’ll just lie there in pieces with the others. I’m not sure which kills me more, losing him, or knowing where to hit hard enough to make him go.

The sound of doors slamming repeatedly, follows his exit. Shortly after, I can hear an engine rev to life and tires screech as they peel out of the parking lot. I get it. It’s one thing to watch your ship crash against the rocks, it’s another entirely to watch it sink. That’s why I’m over here too, hiding, while Drea does my dirty work collecting the bits of my life I’ll get to keep even when all of this is over.

I have no idea how much time has passed when she comes in, heaving trash bags and shoving bins across the floor using her feet. It’s dark out, so I’ve been sitting here awhile.

“Why are you on the ground?” Drea asks, tossing the lightest of her load onto the sofa and coming toward me.

“Didn’t have the energy to go anywhere else,” I admit, sounding precisely as pathetic as I feel.

She comes up beside me, sliding down the kitchen cabinets until her butt lands on the floor too. “What did you say to him?” she asks quietly.

“What I knew would work,” I mumble, rubbing my eyes with the back of my hands. I haven’t cried. Not since that one tear. I’ve passed the point of crying. I’m not sure what lies beyond it, but I’m there. It’s eerie and empty and feels a lot like I what I used to imagine when I read articles about people going through surgery with failed anesthesia. Alert but completely trapped within yourself. Feeling every excruciating step of the way with no possible outlet of expression or relief.

“This is so not how I saw this weekend playing out,” she sighs, head leaning back against the cabinets.

“You weren’t planning on me moving in? Why didn’t you see that coming, Drea?” I tease, but it’s too soon for jokes. Even for me.

“I made reservations at The Rose Garden for Thursday night. I thought for sure if I pushed you out on a date with some other guy, it would make you two see how stupid you were being and finally admit how crazy you both are about each other,” she whines in frustration. “I had all these plans for your birthday Tessa, it was going to be so special.”

I drop my head to rest on her shoulder. “It worked, you know. Last night...everything changed.” And just like that, the tears come.

***

COME MONDAY MORNING, the world reminds me it’s still spinning, and life, while hazy, is carrying on whether I’m ready or not. I’m not.

Scott was quick to handle selling my car for me. He even got me most of what I needed to for it and the rest I can make up if I work a couple extra shifts this week. I need to keep busy anyway. Busy helps to keep numb, and numb is my current state of operation.

Going back to school is easy. I let it consume me. Every last bit of knowledge being thrown my way, I take it, I devour it, I research it and find more. Going back to my Psyche class. That’s impossible. At least this week. Next week, I’ll do better. I have to. It’s way too late in the game to drop it and my scholarship depends on passing.

When I’m not studying or working, I’m running my ass off. I used to think it was freeing. Running. Now it’s just one more loop I can’t escape, another cycle I can’t fucking break. But that doesn’t stop me from trying. From pushing myself faster. Longer. Until I get back to Drea’s at the end of the night too exhausted to think or feel anything anymore. Numbness. It becomes me.

Four days into this week and I’ve lost eleven pounds and most of my mind, the rest is hanging on by studies alone.

Drea hardly talks to me. Just keeps shoving food in my face. Food I can’t eat because I feel nauseous day in and day out. This morning is no different.

“Eat the pancakes. Scott made them, so you know they’re good,” she insists.

“I can’t. I’m meeting Riley.” I swing my messenger bag over my shoulder and start for the door.

“Are you serious? Or are you just coming up with new ways to avoid food?”

“It’s the first Thursday of the month. This is when we always meet. You know that.”

Drea moves out of the kitchen to come and block the door. “She sold you out to your mother and you’re telling me you’re just going to go meet her for your stupid breakfast date and pretend nothing happened?” she screeches. “What makes you think she’ll even show?!’

“Well, considering my mom is waiting on her cash, I’m guessing she’ll see to it that Riley makes it.” I start to take a step around her, but Drea darts out again to stop me. “Are you kidding me with this?”

“No. I think it’s a bad idea.” She turns around and snags her keys from the hook by the door. “Give me the cash. I’ll deliver it. Consider it a birthday present.”

My heart sinks. I was kind of trying to forget all about that part of my day. “You have to let me do this, Drea. I need this. I need to see her. I have to try and understand how she could do this,” I plead with her.

Finally, she surrenders. “Fine. But no matter what she says or how she cries, you are not to let it slide. And you definitely will not pay for her breakfast.”

“Deal.”

“Alright.” She steps aside and lets me pass.

Part of me wishes I’d let her win. This birthday sucks balls already.

With my car sold, Drea’s been kind enough to let me borrow hers. Since Scott’s doesn’t get used much when he’s at the firehouse, he’s been leaving it at the condo for her to drive as well.  It’s getting us by, but I know I need to come up with a real solution sooner rather than later. It’s bad enough I’m crashing on her sofa indefinitely, I can’t keep asking her to share everything with me.

I show up late for the first time ever and I don’t care at all. In fact, I’m a little satisfied with myself.

Riley is easy to spot and I make a beeline for her table. I slap the envelope of cash down in front of her, startling her away from perusing the menu.

“Tell Mom I’ll let her know when I get the rest, but to stay the hell out of my way until I do. If I catch so much as a glimpse of the back of her head bobbing away in a sea of people anywhere I tread, the deal is off.”

“Tessa,” Riley starts, big eyes welling up with tears. It won’t work. I’ve seen our mother in her now. I can’t unsee it.

“No,” I sneer, shaking my head firmly, “I trusted you, Riles. A mistake I can’t believe I made, given our family, so I guess it’s only right I have to pay for it. But so do you.”

She scoots to the edge of the booth, trying to get out. “Please, you have to listen to me. I didn’t mean to tell her. She was just going on and on about how stupid and useless I was and how I was never going to be anything and how no one would ever love me and I just wanted to stick it to her so bad, it just slipped out. Here you went and made something of yourself and found this amazing, smart guy and I just wanted to prove to her that it was possible. That you did it and now that I had you, I could do it too!” Tears are streaming down her face as she begs for me to see her side.

“I could lose everything, Riles! And maybe I deserve that for ever thinking I could have it in the first place, but Lane doesn’t!” I shake off the hand she tries to place on my elbow to keep me from leaving. “I get it, believe me, I do. But all the stuff you want, the stuff you think I can help you get, it could all be gone in an instant. God, most of it already is. Lane and I are done. I’m losing my home. And my scholarship is hanging on by a thread, contingent upon our crazy mother keeping her mouth shut. I’ve hurt people I care about and I’m about to disappoint a few more. So, next time you want to stick it to Mom, consider how much she will want whatever you’re about to dangle in front of her, because she’ll sure as hell try to take it and it might not be yours to risk.”

Riley doesn’t try to argue. Just sits there, a sad heap of tears, quietly sobbing into her lap. And I let her. I have no comfort to offer her. Not anymore.

Steering my gaze straight ahead, I start walking. Time to move forward. Push through. Keep going no matter what. It’s every man for himself with the Harrisons and it’s high time Riley learned that lesson too.

With the immediate threat of my mother lifted, it’s time to move on to a more permanent solution. A month ago, the thought alone would have destroyed me, now the idea of never setting foot in that condo again almost seems welcome. It’s no longer the safe haven it once was.

I’ve got ten minutes before class, so sitting in Drea’s car with the window down, I take a deep breath and count to three, convincing myself that it doesn’t hurt until finally, it doesn’t. One more cleansing inhale and a long sip of coffee, not simultaneously, although choking to death isn’t completely unfavorable in light of my current situation, and then I hit call.

“HELLO?” Meredith shouts into the phone.

“There’s no need to shout, Meredith. I can hear you just fine, even when you’re on speaker.” I don’t know how often we’ve been over this.

“Oh, it’s you.”

“Yep.” We’ve discussed the purpose of caller ID on numerous occasions as well in the past.

I close my eyes, and tip my head back, hoping the sun will fry my brain and erase my memory on a permanent basis. A nice bout of amnesia ought to fix my life right up.

“It’s about time you called. I’ve been trying to get in touch with you for months. Haven’t you been getting my messages?” she demands, though thankfully at a more manageable volume.

“I’m sorry. Things have been a little crazy around here. School has been busy. Plus work, and track...” I let the rest of my answer just sort of hang there. I don’t have more to offer her than this.

“Yes, well maybe you wouldn’t have to do half of those things if you picked up the phone every once in awhile,” she barks.

I don’t have the energy to deal with this. Time to rip that band aid off and get on with life. “Look, we don’t need to make this a big thing, okay? You can have the condo. I’ll sign whatever you want me to sign. Just tell me when and where and it’ll be done. I already got most of my stuff out of there anyway. Whatever is left of Aunt Edi’s, I’m sure you’ll want to keep for yourself and Miriam.”

Silence.

“What the hell are you on about?” Meredith sounds genuinely perplexed. “I don’t have any damn papers for you to sign and I’m not about to come and plunder my mother’s condo, stripping you of what little you have left of her.”

I lift the phone from my ear to check the screen. It says Meredith. I dialed the right number. “Wha-at?” I stammer. “Isn’t that why you’ve been hounding me? Because you’re contesting the will?”

“Good God, child. Why would I do that?”

A slew of reasons spring to mind, but given her uncanny graciousness today, none of them seem appropriate for this conversation. “I just...I thought you felt like I’d taken advantage of your family enough already.”

An exasperated sigh rushes through the phone line and into my ear. “I don’t think you and I have ever had a very clear picture of each other, Tessa,” she admits solemnly. “You have to remember, when you first came along all those years ago, I knew nothing about you, but I knew plenty about your mother. So, naturally, though probably not fairly, I placed all the feelings and fears I had surrounding her, on you. My mother was living alone, in another state and I was worried she would be opening her life to your mom and all of her chaos by opening her door to you. And it scared me,” she pauses. “I was wrong. And I should have admitted that to you sooner. Same as I should have thanked you for all the years you cared for her when I was too far away to do it.”

“Oh.” I’m speechless.

“We never do seem to meet under the best circumstances. I know I was hard on you this summer. I was hard on everyone, because losing my mother...was hard on me. I know we all loved her. And everyone misses her. You included.”

I’m fumbling for words. Anything I can say to her to match what she’s sharing with me, but I’m too overwhelmed to come up with much of anything. “Aunt Edi was the best thing that ever happened to me,” I blubber into the phone.

“I know that,” she says, kind understanding warming her voice, “you meant so much to her, Tessa. She wanted to be sure you would be taken care of, even if she wasn’t around to look out for you anymore.”

“But, I don’t understand. If you’re not trying to take the condo from me, why did you rent it out while I was gone over the summer?”

“I didn’t. That’s why I’ve been calling you. To talk to you about the account.”

“What? What account?”

“Apparently, my mother opened a bank account for you, using both your names. She’s been setting money aside in it since the day you moved in with her. I didn’t even know it existed until I started getting the monthly statements regarding the ongoing deposits.”

“Deposits?” If this is her idea of making things less confusing, it’s not working.

“Rent deposits.”

“The rent has been going into Aunt Edi’s account?” It doesn’t make any sense. “But that means...”

“My mother rented out the condo before she died,” Meredith finishes for me.

“Why would she do that?” She wouldn’t. She wouldn’t leave me the condo just to take it from me.

“Honestly? I think she was scared to leave you, knowing you’d be left alone.” Meredith’s shallow breathing shows an unusually emotional side of her I’ve never seen. “I found the ad she placed. I’ll email it to you, along with the messages they exchanged. You’ll see what I mean.”

“O-kay,” I stutter, thoughts overlapping, words twisting and turning before they can even form. “No, wait.”

“What?”

“I...I still need you to take the condo. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but if you don’t take it, we’ll all lose it.” I close my eyes, squeezing them shut as tightly as I can, trying to force out all the new information. I don’t have room for it right now. I need to take care of this first. Everything else has to wait.

“Your mother,” she says dryly. “I know she called the attorney, trying to figure out if my mother left her anything.”

“She’s relentless. She’ll stop at nothing to get what she wants,” I say, trying to impress upon her how serious this is. That I’m not just being dramatic.

“She can’t have the condo. She can’t have anything.” Meredith’s anger flares and I’m grateful that for once I’m not on the receiving end of it.

“It’s not that simple.” Here’s the part that will sway her from my side again. “She’s...blackmailing me. Threatening to hurt someone I care about.”

“Is she now?” Meredith sounds oddly calm. “Well, she’s not the only one in a position to do that.”

“Huh?”

“You forget, Tessa. Long before you ever came along, I knew your mother better than anyone. You let me handle her. I’ll take care of everything.” Then she hangs up, leaving me to sort through the details of everything that was said and still only understanding half of it.

––––––––

LANE

“Oh my God! Are Mom and Dad okay?” Alexis gasps as soon as she sees me.

“Last time I checked, why?”

She glares at me, then follows it up by whacking me in the arm with someone’s medical chart. “You look like shit and you’re standing in a hospital. Excuse me for jumping to worst case scenario conclusions.”

“It’s a pediatric hospital,” I state flatly. I don’t have the patience to deal with her antics today. “And I look like shit because I feel like shit, so can we just stay focused on me for a second and not assume it’s about everyone else.”

She leans back into the nurse’s desk behind her, giving me a long once over before frowning at the sight of me. “Fine. Is this a doctor visit or a sister thing?”

“I’m not sick, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Her hand flies up to land on my forehead. “Are you sure? You look all pasty and sweaty. You could have a fever.”

I shuffle back a few steps to get out of her reach, ducking my head out of her hand as I move. “I don’t have a fever. I do however seem to have an art gallery. Care to share?!”

She shrugs, turning away in a hurry. “Not really. We already talked about that.” 

I speed up to catch up with her. “No, you talked about wanting to use my house as a gallery and I very specifically said I didn’t want to. How did you misunderstand that?”

“I didn’t so much misunderstand as I simply ignored.” She stops with a loud sigh. “Lane, I love you and I think you’re pretty much the most amazing person I know. The only thing I don’t like about you, is how much you refuse to see all of your amazingness yourself. You’re always so busy trying to accommodate everyone else. First, our parents. Then Olivia. So, I was kind of stoked when you blew off that whole life you built for everyone else and went off on your crazy quest to fuck it all and do your own thing, whatever the hell that was going to look like.”

“You were not stoked. You were right there with everyone else telling me how I was being stupid and screwing up my life!” I remind her, my voice getting louder than I intend it to.

“Yeah! Because you weren’t doing shit with your chance.” She shoves me into the nearest room and shuts the door. Then she really lets loose. “I thought you would really go all out, be free, be you! But instead you take some psyche teaching job, you still walk around wearing those boring ass khakis and long sleeve shirts, and worst of all – you completely give up the thing you love most. You went from conforming to going into complete hiding. Not exactly what I had envisioned for you.”

“What do you suggest I do, Alexis? Just pretend the last decade of my life didn’t happen? You’re not asking me to be who I really am. You want me to be who I was. That guy doesn’t exist anymore. He stepped away from a childhood fantasy and pursued a man’s career. I’m sorry if you think that makes me boring or pathetic or whatever.” I lose steam toward the end of my argument. I can’t remember what point I was trying to make anymore.

“I want you to be happy, Lane. That’s all.” She throws her arms in the air, waving them up and down in front of me. “This, you, the man you are now, doesn’t look so happy to me.”

I sigh, dropping back onto the hospital bed closest to me. “You took my greatest humiliation and you put it on display in the house that was previously keeping it caged and out of sight,” I say under my breath.

“No. I exposed her ugliness and your talent, and I used a house that was keeping you trapped to set all those truths free. For you to see. For everyone to fucking see.” If ever there was a person who couldn’t admit they were wrong. She comes to take a seat beside me, nudging me with her shoulder. “What is all of this really about? And don’t make it about the stupid pictures again, because we both know you’ve shown vulnerable shots way beyond those in the past. It’s what made you stand out in the first place.”

Raking my hands through my hair and over my face, I let the last week blur together in my mind. I’ve gone out of my way not to think about them, not to look back and analyze, but then I got the prints in the mail today. The ones I just couldn’t wait to order, so I’d done it the same night I took them. Yet one more stupid move to add to the list.

Rather than answer her, I let the pictures speak for themselves and hand her the envelope. I haven’t looked at them yet, but if history has taught me anything it’s that they’ll show clear as day what I couldn’t see for months.

Alexis doesn’t say a word. Just slips her finger under the flap to rip it open, then slides the prints into her palm and begins to flip through them.

When she gets to the end, she starts over.

“These are beautiful,” she whispers sounding genuinely moved.

“I’m glad you find my talent for exposing people’s hidden agendas so intriguing,” I say snidely.

She sits up straighter, stare boring into the side of my head. “You haven’t looked at these, have you?”

I shake my head. “No need to this time. She came clean all on her own.”

“I don’t know what that means,” she says sounding suddenly agitated. “Came clean about what? Why are you so pissed? You’re crazy about this woman and she’s clearly in love with you. What is your major malfunction, jackass?!”

“What?” I snatch the pictures from her hand like a drowning man gasping for air. “Where did you see that?”

“Oh my God, where did you miss it?! It’s everywhere!”

“Holy shit.” She’s right. It is. It’s everywhere, in every frame, every twinkle of her gorgeous eyes, every quirk of her sexy smile.

It’s real.

Everything between us, it’s as real as it gets.

And that can only mean one thing.

“She lied to me.”