Cincinnati, Ohio,
Sunday 20 December, 6.00 A.M.
‘Do you want me to go in with you?’ Meredith asked Adam as she walked between him and Trip toward the interview room where Kyle and Shane waited.
‘Not at first. Watch from the observation room. I’ll motion to you if I need you.’
He said the last words gruffly and all she could think of was that moment in her TV room. You are what’s kept me going for the last godawful year.
God. All these months he’d suffered. Alone.
I didn’t know. I hate that you’re hurting. I’m mad that you stayed away, that you needed me but didn’t trust me enough to tell me. I needed you too.
‘How much are we going to tell them about how Tiffany and her mother died?’ Trip asked, his deep voice a quiet rumble in the deserted hallway.
‘That it was quick,’ Adam said grimly. ‘That she didn’t suffer.’
Trip sighed. ‘So we lie?’
Because from what little the two had told her, Meredith knew the mother had lived long enough to dial 911. Bleeding out and in agony, her last act had been to get help for her daughter.
‘Yeah.’ Adam bit the words out. ‘We lie like fucking rugs.’
‘For now,’ Meredith said softly. ‘Go light on the details. They’ll ask for more when they’re ready.’
‘Will they ever be ready?’ Trip whispered and Meredith’s heart broke a little more.
She patted his massive shoulder. ‘Some people never are. And that’s okay. These guys . . . God. They’re so young.’ Something in the set of his mouth set off an alarm in her mind. ‘Trip? Is this your first notification?’
He kept his gaze stoically forward. ‘Yeah.’
Adam’s sigh bounced off the walls. ‘God, Trip. I’m sorry. They’re never easy, but this one’s . . .’ He sighed again. ‘I’ll do the talking. You be ready if either of them detonates.’
‘Emotionally,’ Meredith added when Trip’s spine went abruptly stiff. ‘Not like with a real bomb. They’re both wound super tight.’
They’d arrived at the interview room where a uniformed officer stood guard beside the closed door. The officer took one look at their faces and his own fell.
‘They’ve been asking,’ the officer said. ‘Every three minutes. Kyle tried to make a break for it once. Said he needed to get outside to get an Internet signal.’
‘How did you get him to stay put?’ Adam asked.
‘I didn’t. Shane did. Dragged him bodily, but Kyle let him.’
With a nod, Adam opened the observation room door for Meredith. On the other side of the glass, Kyle paced frantically. Shane sat on the floor, his back to the wall, knees to his chest, his expression one of exhausted, quiet anguish.
‘Jesus,’ Adam whispered, his throat working convulsively, his hands fisted at his sides. Letting her instincts guide, she leaned into him, resting her forehead against his upper arm, his muscle so tight it felt like she leaned against stone.
He shuddered out a breath, tilting his head so that his cheek rested on the top of her head. ‘I do not want to do this.’
‘I’ll go in with you. For you.’ She found his hand, gave it a brief squeeze. ‘It’s all right to need someone, Adam. It’s all right to need me.’
He stiffened for a second, then drew a huge breath. ‘I have to do this now. I can’t keep those kids waiting any longer.’
She stepped back and followed the two into the room where Kyle froze mid-pace, then spun on his heel to face them, his face registering instant understanding. And horror. ‘No.’ He staggered back a few steps, shaking his head. ‘No. No.’
Shane lifted his head from his knees in a slow motion. His gaze locked with Meredith’s, then his eyes closed in weary acceptance.
Adam took a breath. ‘This is my partner, Special Agent Triplett. I’m sorry. Tiffany is dead.’
Kyle was still shaking his head. ‘She went to her mother’s house. She was safe.’
Adam squared his shoulders. ‘Her mother is also dead.’
‘No.’ Kyle backed up until he hit the wall, then lunged at Adam, fists swinging. ‘No.’
Trip started to intervene, but Adam caught Kyle and dragged the young man close, wrapping his arms around him, holding him upright when Kyle’s knees buckled. Kyle’s fists banged against Adam’s back weakly, his tortured sobs the only sound in the room.
Adam held on tight, his hand visibly shaking as he smoothed it over Kyle’s hair, then cupped the back of the younger man’s head, holding him against his shoulder. His own shoulders sagging, he tipped his head up so that he stared at the ceiling. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he said quietly. ‘So damn sorry.’
‘She was supposed to be safe,’ Kyle sobbed. ‘Safe.’
‘I know,’ Adam murmured. ‘I know. It’s not your fault this happened.’
Shane’s head hit the wall hard, the crack audible. ‘It’s mine.’
Trip went to him, kneeling at his side. ‘No,’ he said firmly. ‘Not your fault either.’
‘Why?’ The single word exploded from Kyle, but was muffled by Adam’s shoulder. ‘She was sweet. Tiny. Did he hurt her?’ His voice dropped to a whimper. ‘Please tell me he didn’t hurt her.’
‘It was quick,’ Adam said roughly. ‘She would have felt no pain.’
Kyle choked on another sob, his body shaking pathetically, his fists now clenching Adam’s suit coat. Adam continued to hold him, letting him cry.
Shane covered his face with his hands. ‘It was that guy,’ he said so quietly that Meredith almost didn’t hear him.
‘Which guy, Shane?’ Trip asked.
Shane’s hands slid off his face, his gaze finding Meredith again. ‘The guy looking for me tonight. It was him, wasn’t it?’
‘Maybe,’ Trip answered for her. ‘We’re working with Chicago PD.’
‘Why?’ Shane whispered hoarsely, still directing his questions at Meredith.
Meredith slid down the wall to sit on the floor next to Shane. ‘Why us? Why is . . . whoever is doing it . . . killing people to get to us – you and me? I don’t know. But I know these two guys.’ She gestured to Trip and Adam. ‘And I trust them to find out. I trust them with my life. At least we know that we’re . . .’ She hesitated.
‘Targets?’ Shane supplied bitterly.
Meredith shrugged, understanding his bitterness all too well. ‘Yeah, for lack of a better word. Now the police can protect us, and everyone we love will know to be careful.’ Because the thought of anyone she loved ending up like Tiffany and her mother . . .
She had to do some serious yoga breathing to keep her panic from taking over. Papa’s in a safe house. Under guard. Her friends were mostly cops or married to cops. She’d have to warn them. They couldn’t be caught alone. Nobody was safe right now.
‘Like Linnie.’ Shane aimed a furtive glance at Kyle, whose sobs were losing steam, but who still clung to Adam like a life preserver. Meredith knew the feeling. She wanted to cling to Adam and absorb his strength, because her panic still pushed at the edges of her control.
Shane bit his upper lip. ‘Did they . . .’ He looked at Kyle again, then back at Meredith to mouth the rest of his question. ‘Was Tiff raped?’
Meredith looked at Trip who shook his head. ‘No indication of that,’ he said.
Shane slumped against the wall. ‘Thank God,’ he whispered, in relief.
For several long moments no one said anything. Kyle’s sobs had become shudders. Shane fixed his gaze on Meredith. ‘What happens next?’ he asked.
Kyle pushed away from Adam, sinking into one of the chairs at the table, his face ravaged. ‘I have to go home. I have to be with her.’
‘We’ll work with Chicago PD to make that happen,’ Adam said. ‘When we’re sure it’s safe. Until then, we’ll find a place for you here. We have a place lined up for the night. We should get over there. It’s almost dawn.’ He sat next to Kyle, laid a hand on his back. Even from where she sat on the floor, Meredith could sense the gentleness in the gesture and somehow that made her panic recede until she was no longer shaking inside.
‘Is there anyone we can call for you, Kyle?’ Adam asked.
Kyle shook his head, but Shane said, ‘His parents are in Michigan. I have their number.’
‘Did they know Tiffany?’ Meredith asked.
‘Yeah. We were going there for Christmas, Kyle and I. Tiff was coming up the day after. Tiff and Kyle . . .’ He sighed heavily. ‘I was gonna be best man.’
Meredith’s eyes stung. ‘Shit.’
Shane’s laugh was bitter. ‘No kidding.’ With a huff, he rolled to his knees, but his movement stalled there. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever been so tired. Not in my whole life.’
Trip extended his hand. ‘You just need to find a little more juice. We’ll get you settled and you can sleep. Maybe eat something.’
Shane took Trip’s hand and slowly came to his feet. Trip then helped Meredith up and she met Adam’s eyes. You okay? she wanted to ask, but didn’t. He’d been a pillar of strength for the young man who’d needed him. Now, he looked completely spent, but she knew how important it was that he maintain the illusion. She was doing the same.
Adam gave her a small nod and stood up, back ramrod straight. He extended his hand to Kyle, who sat at the table, head bent. ‘Kyle,’ he said quietly.
Kyle took his hand and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. ‘They should have taken me,’ he muttered. ‘It should have been me.’
‘No,’ Shane said, exhaustion weighing his words. ‘It should have been me. I should never have let you get involved.’
‘No,’ Adam said, his voice strong and clear. ‘It shouldn’t have been anyone. And we’re going to do everything we can to make sure it’s not anyone else.’
Meredith curved her lips in a smile just for him, her heart swelling with pride even though it physically ached. He’d been magnificent. She’d make sure he knew it as soon as she was able.
Cincinnati, Ohio,
Sunday 20 December, 7.15 A.M.
‘Kyle and Shane are as settled as they’re going to be,’ Kate said, joining them at the condo’s kitchen table where Adam and Diesel sipped coffee from sturdy mugs. The scent of fresh coffee had welcomed them as they’d staggered into the condo half an hour earlier.
Adam was grateful to whoever had made it because it was really strong. Not strong enough to offset the overwhelming craving for the ‘something stronger’ that still clawed at his gut, but it would have to do.
The bar had been conspicuously emptied of anything remotely resembling booze. It had to have been Diesel, Adam thought, beyond grateful, because – God help him – the bar was the first corner of the room his eyes had sought.
Because . . . shit. This has been a godawful night. Holding Kyle as he’d sobbed his horrified, guilt-stricken grief . . . Adam had been shaken, inside and out. He might have fallen apart without the smile Meredith had given him at the end. It was pride and Adam drank it in because he finally felt like he might actually deserve it. Still . . . if there had been whiskey at the bar he wasn’t sure he would have been able to stop himself.
‘Papa must have been tired,’ Meredith said as she followed Kate in. ‘He slept through all that. He’s snoring away.’ She didn’t sit with them, though. Pouring a cup of coffee, she took it to the officer standing watch outside the door to the room the two young men shared.
Small kindnesses, Adam thought. Even running on the autopilot of exhaustion, Meredith had a seemingly unlimited well of kindness. I want her kindness. I want her.
They’d all been exhausted by the time Adam had gotten them to the condo. He and Trip had loaded Shane, Kyle, and Meredith in the back of a windowless CPD van, pulling the curtain separating the front seat from the back, and taking an extremely circuitous route so that the boys would not know exactly where they were going.
Kyle and Shane had been fine with that. They had, however, balked when Adam had taken their phones, to be stored at the police station. Once again, Meredith had smoothed the waters, reminding them that they were in danger and that their phones could be used to track them. She promised she’d get them disposable phones as soon as she could.
Luckily, Diesel was at the condo. And luckily, he always carried burner phones. Which made Trip sigh with a muttered, ‘Of course he does,’ but made the young men calm down, the cell phones their tether to reality.
But the most calming factor had been Cap, Kate’s old dog. He’d immediately latched onto the boys, pressing his big, hairy body against their legs, one, then the other. Neither could resist him, even in their zombie state.
‘Where’s Cap?’ Adam now asked.
‘In bed with Kyle,’ Kate said, her smile sad. ‘Cap’s clean, but I’ll wash the sheets.’
‘Don’t worry about it,’ Adam said. ‘The owner of the condo has a laundry service.’
Meredith returned from her coffee errand and busied herself making tea instead. ‘Did Trip leave?’
‘He took the van back,’ Adam said. Isenberg would be having a department car brought over that Adam would be driving later today. ‘He said he was going home, but I heard him calling Kendra. I think he may be headed her way.’
‘Good. I was worried about him,’ Meredith said as she reached for the bright blue kettle on the stove, then faltered. ‘My kettle from home?’ she asked, her voice small.
Kate nodded. ‘I know you like to have your things, so I packed your favorites. Your teacups and pots are in the cupboard. Your loose teas too. The chocolate one smells good.’
Meredith cleared her throat, clearly overcome at the gesture. Interesting. She did similar things for everyone around her every day, but was surprised to be the recipient. That’s gonna change.
‘Because it is good.’ Meredith set the kettle to boil, then got down a teapot and cup, a matching set, both very fragile looking.
I’d break them, Adam thought dolefully. Because he tended to be as clumsy with things as he was with people.
Diesel got up to refill his mug and ushered Meredith to the chair he’d vacated, his movements so smooth that Meredith wasn’t even aware she’d been manipulated into sitting. That Diesel had been sitting next to Adam was an additional benefit, because she was now close enough that Adam could detect the sweet scent of her hair.
Meredith always smelled like delicate flowers. Yet the woman sitting next to him had proven over and over again how strong she was.
He hoped she’d be strong enough to deal with what he still needed to tell her. He’d blurted out the whole ‘I’m an alcoholic’ thing, but there was so much more, and every time Adam thought about confessing, it made him sick. And then he’d remember that Tiffany and her mother were dead, along with five others, and he sent up a prayer of thanks that she was still alive to hear his sorry story.
‘Adam?’
He blinked to find Kate snapping her fingers under his nose.
‘What?’
‘Diesel asked you a question,’ Kate said. ‘You zoned out.’
‘Sorry, Diesel. What was the question?’
‘It’s okay,’ Diesel said, pouring tea from the pot into the dainty cup, making Adam wonder just how long he’d zoned out. ‘I just asked who owns this place and why you get to use it whenever someone needs a hidey-hole.’ He brought the cup and pot to Meredith, the items looking like toys in his big paws. He was, however, surprisingly deft as he placed them in front of her. He waved off Meredith’s thanks with a bashful blush. ‘But you can tell the story some other time. You’re tired.’
‘I can tell it,’ Adam said. ‘It’s not long, but it’s a good one. It was a win, anyway.’
‘We need one of those,’ Kate said, motioning him to continue.
Meredith smiled at him. ‘A story with a happy ending would be very nice.’
He hoped his cheeks weren’t turning as red as Diesel’s had, but having her smile at him like that was a heady thrill. ‘Well, the guy who owns this place used to live in an upscale community with gates and a guardhouse, but his daughter was kidnapped one night – taken from her bed while everyone was asleep. The guard dog had been drugged, the security system deactivated, her window broken.’
‘I remember that case,’ Meredith said thoughtfully. ‘It was at least ten years ago. Her name was Skye, right? Her face was all over the news and posters all over town. I was still in grad school and one of the profs used the case to discuss the therapy needs of the child after she was returned to her parents, safe and sound.’ Eyes widening comically, she slapped her hand to her mouth, dropping it low enough to say, ‘I spoiled the ending. I’m sorry.’ But her wide eyes were teasing.
‘I did say it was a win,’ he said, grinning at her, ‘so you’re okay.’
‘Good. I hate people who spoil the ending. Go on.’ She twirled her finger like a queen giving commands. ‘She was kidnapped out of her bed, and . . . ?’
‘Yes,’ Kate said, looking amused. ‘Go on. Were you the detective on the case?’
Adam shook his head. ‘Oh, no. I was still on patrol at the time. Hanson – the guy you met tonight, Meredith – was my partner. Two days after the kidnapping, the detectives working the case had nothing except the make of a car spotted lurking around the neighborhood and reported by a nosy neighbor. We spotted the car and gave chase. Finally, the kidnappers ditched the car, grabbed Skye out of the back seat, and ran on foot. There were two of them. I caught up to the one carrying Skye and grabbed her. She’d been drugged unconscious, and was barely breathing.’
‘Bastards,’ Kate muttered.
‘Yes, but they had some conscience, apparently. They were taking her to the ER because they couldn’t get her to wake up and her breathing had become erratic. I think they’d planned to drop her off and then run like hell. They were after the ransom. They didn’t want to kill her and that was lucky for us.’
‘Was she okay?’ Diesel asked.
‘Yes, but it was touch and go there for a while. We got her to the ER and they pumped her stomach. She didn’t have much memory of the entire experience. They kept her drugged up the whole time.’
‘What happened to the kidnappers?’ Kate asked.
‘They split up when they started running on foot. The one my partner was chasing pulled a gun, so Hanson shot him. The other one also pulled a gun. Got me in the leg.’
Meredith put her cup down with a clatter. ‘You were shot?’
‘Just that once and it wasn’t serious. I turned to shoot back, but he’d just dropped like a rock. Hanson had stopped him too. Saved my life, because Hanson said the guy had been aiming for my head. I got Skye to our cruiser and Hanson drove us to the ER, because we were only two minutes from the hospital. Raymond, her father, was very grateful, but also very paranoid about his home security afterward.’
‘Understandable,’ Diesel grunted.
Adam nodded. ‘He bought this place and basically turned it into a fortress. It’s the only apartment here at the top of the building. And the only access is by one elevator and one set of stairs. He’s got all kinds of crazy security on both of those. It was the only way any of them could sleep at night. I kept up with them, you know, on Skye’s birthday and the anniversary of the crime, just to see how she was. How they all were.’
‘And how were they?’ Meredith asked, her voice warm, like a soft blanket.
Adam had to fight the need to shiver. ‘Doing really well, all of them. Skye had nightmares for a while, like you’d expect, but she had a great counselor and gradually she healed. She started high school this year.’ He chuckled. ‘Raymond says she wants to be a cop. He’s not crazy about that, but he’s smart enough not to fight her.’
‘Where are they now?’ Kate asked. ‘Obviously not here.’
‘Japan. He got transferred by his company on a four-year assignment. He gave me the keys. Said it was mine to use when I wanted.’
‘To like, live here?’ Diesel asked. ‘I could get used to this place.’
‘I couldn’t.’ Adam laughed, startling himself. He hadn’t heard himself laugh in such a long time. ‘I mean, look at it. It’s too perfect. I’d track mud in or break something or spill spaghetti sauce on the carpet.’ He shook his head. ‘Not that I could have taken him up on it even if I’d wanted to. It would be such a breach of policy. But when Faith needed a place to hide last year, I asked for permission. Raymond was happy for us to use it as a safe house.’
Meredith grew abruptly still at his mention of last year and he felt the laughter seep away, because he knew exactly what she was remembering. A pathetic mess, he’d left Deacon and Faith in the condo, then had driven straight to Meredith’s house and stumbled into her arms for comfort. She’d been like a beacon, cutting through the darkness that had all but consumed him.
She still was.
But after taking her comfort, he’d left her bed the next morning like a thief. Without a word of explanation. God, I was an asshole. And down deep, had he really changed?
Suddenly exhausted, he got up, dumped what was left of his coffee, and washed the cup. Intensely aware of the silence behind him, he turned to face the table. ‘I’m beat. Kate, are you staying awake to watch?’
Kate studied him with a compassion that made his eyes absurdly sting. ‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘Grab some sleep while you can.’
Diesel checked the clock on the wall with a wince. ‘I gotta go. I’m late for work.’
‘It’s Sunday,’ Kate said with a frown.
‘Newspapers have no weekends, and I took yesterday off. But I can come back later. If you want,’ he added uncertainly, his eyes on Adam’s, clearly asking for permission.
Adam thought of the booze that no longer cluttered the bar, tempting him. ‘Any time. You’re always welcome here and anywhere we are. You know that.’
Diesel’s mouth tipped up, uncertainty giving way to relief. ‘Good. Didn’t want to overstep.’
Yeah, they were both talking about the booze. ‘You didn’t. Thanks, man.’
Meredith carefully set the fragile teacup on the table, frowning at both of them. ‘You’ve been awake all night, Diesel. Surely there’s room for you here. This place is huge.’
‘Nah.’ He pulled his keys from the pocket of his jeans. ‘I don’t sleep much anyway. Tell your grandpa I’ll be back when I get off work. I want a rematch.’
That made Meredith smile. ‘I will.’ She stood and stayed him with a hand to his arm. ‘Thank you. For everything. You’ve been a godsend today. And a really good friend.’ She leaned up to kiss his cheek, making him blush again.
‘That is definitely my cue to leave,’ he said. ‘Before I fuck up and erase whatever good thing I did. Later, guys.’
They heard him say goodnight to the officer on watch before the front door closed.
‘Mer, I put your things in that bedroom,’ Kate said, pointing.
‘Thank you,’ Meredith said, her weariness showing through. ‘I’m about to fall off my feet. I’ll get the grand tour later.’ She started to rinse her cup, but Kate stopped her.
‘I’ll do it. You go to sleep.’ Together, she and Adam watched her disappear into the bedroom. Kate lifted a brow. ‘The adjoining room is yours.’
Adam lifted both brows. He knew those rooms were connected by a shared bathroom – or a secret pathway, however you wanted to look at it. ‘Thank you?’
‘You should be thanking me. It’s the only way you two are going to get any privacy in the midst of all this chaos.’ She looked around fondly. ‘Decker and I have some nice memories of this place. I’m glad you’re finally going to get to use it. Not,’ she added hastily, ‘that I’m glad any of this ever happened, of course.’ She patted his arm. ‘But it has happened and you need to grab the good moments to get you through the bad.’
Adam smiled down at her. ‘That sounds very Dr Lane-ish.’
Kate’s grin was confirmation that he’d guessed right. They both saw the same shrink, who specialized in treating PTSD. ‘She’s knitting now,’ she said conspiratorially.
Adam had to cover his mouth to keep the laugh from bolting free. ‘You crack me up.’
Kate looked satisfied. ‘I can teach you and Meredith too. Give you something to do together. A common hobby?’
‘That’s okay.’ He had plenty ideas about what he and Meredith could do together. From the look on Kate’s face, he could see that she knew exactly what he was thinking. ‘Look, if either Kyle or Shane wakes up, wake me. Let Meredith sleep.’
‘I will.’ Kate’s expression became searching. ‘I’m not going to ask if you’re okay, because I can see that you’re not. But if you need anything, someone to talk to . . . You’ll come to me, right?’
‘Yeah,’ he said gruffly.
‘And tell Mer about . . . everything. You know. Sobriety? She thinks you don’t care.’
He sighed. ‘You know too?’
‘Diesel moved the booze. He never said a word, but I’m not stupid.’
‘I know you’re not.’ And that made it easier somehow, because Kate also had major issues with PTSD from the things she’d seen on and off the job. It made him feel not stupid too. ‘It’s . . . hard. Every day. But tonight was . . . God.’
‘There was a reason I adopted Cap,’ she said, her topic change surprising him.
‘Yeah? Other than you’re a softy underneath all that mean?’
Kate smirked. ‘Tell anyone and I’ll show you what a knitting needle really can do. But seriously, yeah. When he was a puppy, Cap was in training to be a service dog, you know, for a veteran. PTSD. Cap flunked out of his certification because they found out he has some health issues, but one of the vets took him anyway. Older guy. Vietnam. He died last year, and somehow Cap got moved from person to person until he ended up in Delores’s shelter without a collar or a name. She ran his chip through the system, traced his history while he was just sitting there, nobody taking him home because he’s older and a little sick. When she found out what he’d been for the old soldier, she called me right away. Decker and I fell in love with him from the first minute, of course, but Decker always wanted to train a dog too. Cap had made friends with one of the younger dogs, so we took them both. Loki’s not totally trained yet, so I left him with the neighbor kid until Decker gets back from Florida tomorrow. Unless I’m on the job, Cap’s with me.’
Adam was certain there was a point in there somewhere, but he’d lost it. ‘And?’
‘And . . . you should consider a dog.’
‘I’m not a vet.’
She rolled her eyes. ‘Like cops don’t get PTSD. I thought you were smart, Kimble. Think about it, okay? A dog might give you . . . I don’t know.’ She looked embarrassed, as she did when her soft side was left unprotected for too long. ‘Purpose and shit.’
His lips twitched. ‘And shit.’
She poked him in the chest. ‘Do not think I’m bluffing about the knitting needles.’
‘I wouldn’t dare.’ He caught her hand, squeezed it briefly. ‘Thank you. I’ll look into it. You were right about the PTSD shrink.’ It was on Kate’s recommendation that he’d stowed his cowardice long enough to call Dr Lane.
Kate tilted her head in the direction of Meredith’s bedroom door. ‘She was the one who suggested her to me.’
Adam sighed. ‘Of course she was.’ It always came back to Meredith. She was like a sun and he was just one of the planets in her orbit. He couldn’t have escaped her pull if he’d wanted to. And he did not want to. ‘The shrink has helped. And maybe the origami.’
Kate’s grin was back. ‘And knitting?’
‘Don’t push your luck, Coppola. My hands aren’t as nimble as Diesel’s.’
‘Hey, Diesel’s knitting lace already.’
Adam had to laugh. ‘I’ll see you in a few hours.’
‘Sweet dreams, Kimble,’ she said as he turned for his assigned bedroom, her voice gone serious again.
‘I hope so.’ It had been so long since he’d had any dream that wasn’t a nightmare.
Cincinnati, Ohio,
Sunday 20 December, 8.00 A.M.
Meredith sat on the edge of the bed, listening to the water running in the adjoining bathroom. She’d finished changing into her favorite purple silk pajamas Kate had packed for her when she’d heard Adam in the adjoining bathroom.
Clever, that adjoining bathroom. Accessible from both bedrooms, it also created a secret passageway between the two.
Clever of Kate to assign the bedrooms the way she had. Her friend’s agenda was not-so-secret. Meredith was going to have to thank her later. That Deacon and Faith and Kate and Decker had grown closer in these very rooms . . . It was hard not to yearn for a happily-ever-after of her own. She and Adam could . . . well, they could do all kinds of things and no one would ever know.
But at the moment, Meredith wasn’t doing anything except listening to Adam take another shower. Stuck between lust and indecision, she’d listened for the telltale click, indicating that he’d locked the door on his side, but it had never come.
She didn’t know if it had been simple forgetfulness or an invitation.
She could open that door and watch him. Or join him.
But, on the off chance that it had been forgetfulness, she waited, giving him his privacy. And hoped for a knock on her door, asking for entry. Even if it was just to say goodnight. Or good morning. He didn’t have to spill his guts about his alcoholism right now.
He’d been wrecked tonight, but he’d kept it together. He’d been exactly what Kyle had needed. She wanted to tell him that she’d been proud of him and she wasn’t sure when they’d get another opportunity to be alone.
The water shut off and there was quiet. No knock. He wasn’t coming to her tonight. Disappointment washed over her in a huge wave, leaving her staring at the door.
Those doors open both ways, you know.
True. Each time she’d waited for him to come to her. She’d known his address all these months. I could have gotten in my car and driven to his house, knocked on his door, and demanded to know why he’d disappeared.
Why hadn’t she? Now that is a damn good question. Right now she didn’t even have to get into her car. She could just walk through the bathroom and knock on his door.
Rising before she could talk herself out of it, she opened the bathroom door and had to smile at the near military precision with which he’d hung his wet towels to dry. The chrome shone and the shower tile had been dried. The only evidence that he’d actually used the shower was the steam still fogging the mirror.
Sucking in a breath, she tapped lightly. ‘Adam?’
A long moment of silence. Then a sigh that sounded resigned. ‘It’s not locked.’
That sigh didn’t bode well, but she opened the door enough to see him sitting on the bed facing the door, his pose the mirror image of what hers had been, except that his knees were spread wide where she’d sat like a lady.
I’m a little tired of being a lady, she thought, lifting her chin.
His hair was tousled, sticking up all over his head in short, wet spikes and she could visualize him rubbing it dry with a towel, not caring how it looked, and that was endearing. He wore only a thin pair of gray sweatpants, his chest bare, and that was so damn sexy. Almost unbearably tempting. Except that his head hung low and his hands were loosely clasped between his knees. He looked like a man waiting to be sentenced to prison.
So . . . lust was not on the menu. Swallowing back her disappointment, she squared her shoulders. Comfort it would have to be. ‘Can I come in?’ she whispered.
He nodded so she did, not stopping until she stood between his knees. He looked up, but not far enough to meet her eyes. His breathing grew rapid, his gaze fixed on the deep V of her pajama top, which wasn’t boudoir sexy, but it was . . . intimate.
His exhale warmed her exposed skin, sending shivers rippling over every square inch of skin still covered. She lifted a tentative hand to his hair, smoothing the spikes, settling at the back of his head, cradling him when he leaned into her, resting his cheek against her breasts.
‘Is this all right?’ she asked and his arms came around her waist, pulling her closer. She kissed the top of his head. ‘That’s a good answer.’
He huffed a laugh. ‘I was going to let you sleep.’
‘I’m . . . wired. Happens when my sleep cycle gets disrupted. I just wanted to tell you good night and that I thought you were wonderful with Kyle tonight.’
His shoulders relaxed a degree or two, but he shook his head. ‘It wasn’t enough.’
‘It won’t ever be. But when it’s all over and he’s healing, he’ll remember the detective who made those horrible moments a little more bearable.’ She stroked his hair, as she’d done to Shane, but the context was so very different. So very intimate. ‘And that’s got to be enough for you, Adam. That and doing our best to catch the man who killed her.’
He shuddered out a breath. ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered. ‘I should have told you.’
She just waited, stroking his hair.
‘You couldn’t be my reason,’ he finally said roughly.
‘For your sobriety?’
‘Yeah. And for my sanity.’
Her heart hurt, thinking of him fighting his battles alone. ‘Did you have anyone?’
‘My sponsor. My shrink.’ His chuckle was self-deprecating. ‘My crayons.’
‘I kept them all. All the pictures you left in my mailbox. Every last one of them.’ She brushed a kiss across his ear. ‘I’d run to the mailbox every day, hoping for a new one. My favorites go on my refrigerator when I’m alone. I . . . take them down when I have company.’
‘I understand.’
‘Do you?’ she asked, because the defeated way he said it made her think that he didn’t. ‘I wasn’t ashamed of them, Adam. I . . . They were mine. Just mine. I didn’t want to share them with anyone because I was greedy for any connection to you.’
She felt him swallow. ‘I didn’t want you to forget about me.’
‘I know. I think I got a little sidetracked recently and probably overreacted to you staying away. It’s the holidays. They always make me . . .’ She hesitated, searching for the right word. Depressed was accurate, but not complete. Vulnerable was also true, but not complete either. ‘Raw.’ Yes, that worked. ‘And lonely. For what it’s worth, I understand why I couldn’t be the reason for your sobriety. Not so sure I get the sanity part, but I do get that I couldn’t be your new addiction.’
‘I wanted to come to you . . . whole.’
‘I get that.’
‘And I didn’t want you to know. About the drinking.’
She sighed. ‘Did you believe I’d think less of you?’
‘I didn’t know. I didn’t care. And that was selfish, because you didn’t know why I stayed away. I’d cut off my own hand before I hurt you.’
‘Well, let’s not get drastic,’ she said dryly, making him chuckle. ‘Besides, I’m not as perfect as you seem to think I am.’
His head came up abruptly. ‘I don’t believe that,’ he said.
‘You already know I wear . . . what did you call it? My zen mask?’
‘Yes,’ he said slowly. Carefully. ‘Why?’
‘Oh,’ she breathed. ‘I guess it’s time to lay all the cards on the table, huh?’
His brows rose. ‘Yeah. I showed you mine.’
She found herself smiling at him, even as she shook her head. ‘I don’t think you have. As long as we’re still talking about cards.’
‘For now.’ He tilted his head, his expression thoughtful. ‘What are you hiding behind your zen mask, Meredith?’
‘Depression,’ she said simply, and found it hadn’t been as hard as she’d expected to show that particular card. ‘There have been times in my life when it’s been really bad.’
He considered that, his eyes filling with a combination of worry, understanding, and compassion. ‘How bad?’
She had to look away. ‘Bad.’
He cleared his throat. ‘Did you try to . . .’ He trailed off.
‘Hurt myself? Yes.’ She hesitated. ‘End myself? Yes, I tried that too.’
He leaned back, gently drawing her arms from where they rested on his shoulders, and pushed back one sleeve, then the other. Closing her eyes, she held herself perfectly still, barely breathing as he found what he was looking for. She waited for . . . what? Surprise? Disgust? Pity? She couldn’t blame him. She’d certainly felt all of the above too many times to even attempt to count.
She shuddered out a sob when his lips brushed the first scar. Her bangles hid the worst ones, but the rest were faded now, barely even visible unless someone was looking and no one ever did. No one ever thought to.
Pursing her lips to keep the sobs locked down, she let the tears fall silently as he kissed every single scar, large and small, shallow and deep. When he’d found them all, he kissed the pulse point at each of her wrists, then resettled her arms on his shoulders. He wiped her cheeks with his thumbs, cupping her face in his palms.
‘Not perfect,’ he whispered. ‘Better. Like tempered steel.’
She hiccupped a startled laugh. ‘What?’
His lips tipped up. ‘You know. Metal gets superheated then quenched, but that only hardens it. Leaves it brittle. That’s not you. Tempering is a second step.’
‘Which makes what?’
His smile grew, tender and sweet. ‘Something tough, but not brittle. That’s you.’
Meredith pursed her lips again, harder this time, because this thing in her chest was not going to stay down. Her gaze shot to the door, panic rising like floodwaters, tangling with all of the other emotions that threatened to break through the wall she maintained so fastidiously.
Understanding flickered in his eyes and he stood up, pulling her to his side and urging her into the bathroom where he sat on the side of the decadent garden tub and turned both faucets on full blast. He tugged her to sit on his lap, wrapped his arms around her, and gruffly whispered in her ear, ‘Nobody can hear. Just let go, sweetheart.’
She wasn’t sure if it was the tone of his voice, the way he held her, the endearment, or the words themselves, and it really didn’t matter. Turning her face into his chest, she let the wall crumble into dust, took the comfort he offered, and started to cry.