I couldn’t put it off any longer. While Anna was in the main bathroom making the most of the steam room and sauna I took my phone into the bedroom Anna had allocated to me. I closed the door and slid down the inside until I reached the floor. It would be 10 a.m. in New York and Daniel would have been up for hours. I didn’t know what I was going to say to him, I just knew I had to call him, to kick start the beginning of the end.

It answered on the first ring.

“Leah, how are you? Where are you?”

I missed his deep soothing voice. I had forgotten what it did to me. I could see him clearly in my head now. He was starting to go fuzzy in my memory but hearing him brought him in to focus. The beautiful body of his, those piercing eyes that saw right into me. His inky black hair, almost too long. And that smell, that intoxicating scent of his. I needed to snap out of this. He was seducing me in my head.

“I’m fine, I’m in the hotel. Thank you for all this. You didn’t have to go to all this expense.”

“Leah, it’s nothing. I just want you safe.”

“I am, thank you. I take it the police called you? I’m sorry you’ve got dragged into it all.” I was trying to be matter of fact and business like.

“There is nothing to apologize for at all.”

There was an awkward silence on the line. He clearly didn’t want to tell me that he was back with Georgina over the phone and I just didn’t know what to say. Before I could think of anything he interrupted me: “It’s so good to hear your voice.” My throat tightened. I couldn’t cry.

“Yours, too.” I managed to squeak out.

“I’ve missed you.”

“Me, too.”

He would never understand how much. I would miss him forever, there would be no one else for me after Daniel, I was sure of that. I played with the bracelet he had given me, which I never took off. It was my constant reminder of him.

“The results come out tomorrow and I think the market will respond well. I should be back on Tuesday evening.”

So it had started. The two months were up and I had lost my bet. Now it was time to pay the casino.

“That’s great, congratulations. You must be relieved.” I sounded so cold.

“Did you do what you needed to do?” Why couldn’t he be an asshole about it all so I could hate him?

“I did. I feel stronger. I feel better.”

“That’s good, I’m pleased for you. Do you feel ready to ... see me?  ... on Tuesday? ... or maybe later in the week?”

Daniel sounded tentative, but it was clear that he wanted this over as quickly as possible. He was right to. We needed to rip the bandage off. It had been too long as it was.

“Tuesday sounds good.”

“I’ll pick you up from the office. If you need anything, please call me.”

I just sat there for what seemed like hours after I hung up. The thought of it all being officially over on Tuesday was just too much. Just the thought of never speaking to him again was all it took to start my sobbing. I missed him. I missed the life I could have with him. Still crying I made my way into my bathroom, and turned on the shower. I needed to shock myself out of my mood. I made a choice and I was living with the consequences.

I wandered back into the living room to find Anna. I steeled myself. I felt stronger.

“I called Daniel to thank him. He’s coming back on Tuesday and we’re going to meet after work. I guess he’ll officially tell me then.”

Anna was on the sofa and reached out her hand to pull me down next to her.

“What did he say?”

“Nothing, we didn’t talk long. He said he missed me and he asked me how I was, but that’s it.”

“Did you tell him that you missed him? He’s worth fighting for, Leah. He should know how you feel.”

“I did tell him I missed him, but I don’t want to fight for him. I want him to be mine because he can’t possibly be anything else. I want him to need me like I need him. I can’t force or fight for that. I love him and if he’s happy with his ex-wife then I’m happy for him. I’m sad for me, but happy that he’s happy. That’s what I want for him.”

I was lucky to have had him in my life, even if it were for just the shortest time. Imagine if I had gone through my life thinking what I had with Charlie was as good as it got. With Daniel, I learned what love was. Real, earth-shattering, heart-stopping, world-changing love. How many people could really say that? I was lucky, and I would treasure forever the moments I shared with him. But now nothing else would do, and however many times Anna forced me out to meet new guys, however many times she told me that the easiest way to get over a man is to get under another, it didn’t matter. No one else was Daniel. I felt sure I could get to a place where I was content with my life. But it would be different from how I had envisaged as a girl. There would be no wedding, no family. I would be on my own, without Daniel.

“Well, all that therapy seems to have worked, but I hope it doesn’t mean we can’t indulge in a little wine o’clock just because you’re no longer self-medicating. Especially since we have a fully stocked wine fridge!”

“Only if you promise to help me look fucking amazing on Tuesday. He might be dumping me, but it doesn’t mean he can’t fancy me while he’s doing it.”

“As Oscar Wilde said, ’Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.’ Tomorrow night, you and me in Selfridges. We are going to knock him dead.

“Oscar Wilde, hey? You’re stepping it up!”

***

I stood in front of the mirror in the Roland Mouret dress, thinking up ways to justify the ridiculously expensive purchase. The dress did everything a dress should do for a woman. I loved it.

“I don’t know if you are talking yourself into it or out of it, but it doesn’t matter. You just have to buy this dress.” Anna was slumped in a chair in the corner of the changing room.

“It’s a lot of money.”

“So, sell a kidney. We’re not leaving here without that dress.” Anna was quickly losing patience. We’d been having this back and forth for twenty minutes.

“You’re right.” I headed back to the dressing room to peel myself out of the thing and whip out my credit card before I changed my mind.

I felt physically sick as I typed in my PIN. I’d never spent even half of what this dress cost on a piece of clothing, but if this was the last time I was going to see Daniel, I wanted to feel fabulous. And if he got a reminder of what he would be missing, well that was all right, too.

***

I didn’t wear the dress to work. Knowing me, I would have spilled something on myself by 10 a.m., so I brought it with me. I left my desk dead on 5:30 to change. I wanted to be ready—mentally and physically. I thought that outside of the flattering light of the changing rooms and into the bright fluorescents of the ladies restroom the dress would lose its wow factor, but it absolutely did not. Although I couldn’t say it aloud, Anna was right; the dress was made for boobs and a bottom like mine. The cleavage was just hinting at outrageous but the mid shin length with killer heels seemed to balance it all out to sexy. I was thrilled. I had treated myself to a blow dry at lunchtime so I just needed to touch up my makeup and I was done. I was back at my desk just before six. I checked my phone to make sure I’d not missed a call and there was a text from Daniel.

No rush but I’m ready whenever you are. I’m downstairs. D

He’d been waiting half an hour already. My heart started thudding like it was about to come through my chest. This was it. I was far more nervous than that evening all those months ago when we he had first picked me up from the office. I suppose I didn’t know then what I’d be missing. I logged off and headed to the elevators forcing myself to take deep breaths.

I saw him as I came out of the elevator. He leaned against the car with his head was buried in a newspaper.

I stood there for a few minutes just drinking in the sight of him. His beautiful navy suit, my favorite. It skimmed every beautiful inch of him. His hair was just how I saw it in my head whenever I thought of him: almost too long, but the perfect length to slide my fingers through. My skin tightened all over.

As if he heard me inhale, Daniel looked up sharply from his paper and his eyes met mine. There was no going back. I started to walk toward him, but I couldn’t pull my eyes away from his. I had forgotten the power he had over me.

He met me at the door

“Hey stranger.” His velvety voice washed through me.

“Hey stranger, yourself.” Despite my nervousness and anguish, I couldn’t help but grin at him. It was as if he pushed a happy button inside me. I couldn’t feel anything bad when I was around him.

He didn’t kiss me, he didn’t touch me. He wanted it to be clear how we stood from the start—he was trying to be fair with me and I appreciated him for that. It made me love him more.

He opened the car door for me; as I climbed in, his hand brushed my lower back. It was if I were on fire. Couldn’t he feel that? I shivered as goosebumps covered my whole body and I felt myself moisten for him. He had barely touched me and  I was ready for him, desperate for him. I scurried over as far into the corner of the car as I could. I would dissolve if he touched me again, and despite myself I would be begging for him to come back to me.

As the car started, I kept my eyes fixed forward.

“So, I saw that your results were really well received. You must be so pleased.”

“Yes, relieved. The ex-MD has been charged. We’re cooperating with the police and I’ve installed a new MD. Things can get back to how they should be now, I hope.”

But he should be with me, that’s how things should be.

We pulled up and I realized we were outside Daniel’s favorite Italian restaurant. Oh god, why here? I suppose he wanted to break the news to me in public so I couldn’t yell and scream at him. I loved this place. I wouldn’t ever be able to come here again, not after tonight. I’m sure we would say we’d stay in touch, but I couldn’t do that. I truly wished him happiness, but I couldn’t be friends with him and watch him be happy without me.

Daniel was made a real fuss of, as usual, as we were escorted to the same table we had on our first real date. I had managed to avoid looking directly at him since I got into the car, but there was no avoiding it forever. I lifted my eyes and found him looking right into me.

“There you are.” He smiled cautiously and I couldn’t do anything but smile right back at him.

As soon as our wine was poured, I glugged down half a glass. I wanted that numbness back. I didn’t want all these feelings. I felt the warmth of the alcohol as it trickled down to my fingers and toes.

“Leah, you don’t need liquid courage. It’s OK.”

But it wasn’t OK. I couldn’t bear it any longer—I wanted it done.

“Daniel, I just want you to be happy and I’m pleased you are. You’re right, it’s OK. I’m not going to make a big scene. You two have known each other since you were kids. I get it. It’s fine.”

We were interrupted as our starters arrived. The sight of the food made my stomach churn. I was sure it would be delicious, but the thought of eating anything was abhorrent.

I fixed my eyes on the tablecloth again.

“Leah, look at me.” His tone was gentle, coaxing. I could do nothing but what Daniel asked of me; I met his eyes as requested. “I’m not following you. Who have I know since I was a kid?”

“Georgina.”

“Oh right. Yes, you knew that though.” He was right, I had known all along and I couldn’t compete with that history. I nodded. I could feel the tears start to well in my eyes so I took another generous gulp of wine.

“So, tell me how you’ve been. What have you been doing? How are you feeling about ... well, everything?”

“Good, everything has been good. I feel like I’ve worked through a lot of things and I feel much better about everything. Well, most things.”

“Good, I’m pleased. And have you been seeing anyone?”

What did he mean? A therapist?

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. It’s none of my business.” Daniel was the one to stare at the tablecloth this time. He meant romantically.

“You mean, like a man? Of course not.” I didn’t want to have to fight for him but surely he knew how I felt. “There’s no one. There’ll never be anyone, now. It will always be you for me.” My voice cracked but I forced myself to carry on. I couldn’t leave without him knowing. “Just because I’m not with you doesn’t mean you won’t always be with me, in my heart.” As I spoke I felt calmer. “I’ve learned a lot about myself these past two months. I’m going to be fine. I don’t want you to feel bad. I don’t want you to feel guilty. I’m happy loving you, whether or not you love me back. I just want you to be happy, and if I can’t give you that happiness then all I can wish for you is that you’ve found it with Georgina.”

“You love me, still?”

“Still and always.” As I looked back at him I knew it would forever be true.

“I can’t do this here.” Daniel rummaged in his jacket pocket and threw some cash—far too much —on the table and stood up. “Let’s get some air.”

Daniel was through the door before I said goodbye to Luigi. As I stepped outside, Daniel pulled me to him. His looked at me so intensely, so intimately; I felt a fuzziness in my legs and thought I might collapse. And then he kissed me, delicately, softly. I reached under his jacket and traced his beautifully broad back. His tongue trailed between my lips; I was lost to him. I hadn’t allowed myself to remember how it felt when he touched me, but I couldn’t stifle the moan that betrayed me.

“Daniel.” I pulled away from him.

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t go another moment without kissing you.”

“It’s not fair on Georgina.”

“What does kissing you have to do with George? If I didn’t know better, I’d be jealous. You seem to have an unhealthy interest in her.”

“You can’t be kissing me when you are with Georgina, it’s just not—”

“—With Georgina? What are you talking about? I’m not with Georgina!”

What? “But the pictures, at the launch?”

“She came to the launch, but not with me. I couldn’t be with her again. I couldn’t be with anyone who isn’t you.”

“You’re not back with her?”

“Of course not. That launch was weeks ago. Have you thought all this time I was back with her? Why didn’t you call me?”

My tears flowed uncontrollably. It was relief and happiness all mixed up. My heart tried to explode in my chest as he pulled me toward him. Daniel wiped my tears from my face. “Don’t cry, baby. Don’t be sad.”

“I’m not sad.” I sobbed. “I’m  ... I don’t know what I am.”

“Mine?” Daniel suggested.

“Yours.”