43
Alina
“Why are you smiling like a crazy person?” Paisley asks, feigning an irritated tone under her smile. Loosening the towel that’s been wrapped around her head, she tosses it at me before hopping on the bed. “Spill woman.”
“It’s nothing,” I lie, feeling my face flush. I’m being ridiculous. I’m the equivalent of a teenage girl getting her first phone call from a boy.
“Bullshit. It’s Slater. Isn’t it? You can’t lie to me,” she says, lying down beside me and grabbing my phone from my hand.
“And this is why I like non-adjoining rooms,” I joke. For the first time since the tour started, I now have a quasi-roommate. Worried about my secret getting out, I always opted to bunk alone, and was never in the position of having an adjoining room with a door that I had to decide to leave open or closed. The Matrix Hotel has been one of the only hotels so far where this has been an issue, saving me from having to make up any awkward excuses when I wasn’t ready to share my space, until this tour stop in Edmonton.
“Is this man for real? I’m fucking swooning, you lucky, lucky girl! I literally can’t even…” she says, placing her hand over her heart before reading Slater’s last text aloud. “‘Hurry up and see me, I need to kiss you again.’”
I can’t hide my smile. I’ve been smiling so much, my cheeks hurt from reading it so many times.
“I’m beyond happy for you two, Ali. I really like Slater for you…well, since he admitted to his asshattery with blondie,” she says, handing me back my phone.
“‘Asshattery’?”
“Yup, total asshat behaviour, that was,” Pais nods triumphantly.
“We should title a song that,” I quip.
“We totally should! Get writing.”
“I’m kidding, but thanks. I’m really happy too, right now. I’m glad Slater and I are starting to figure things out. He’s been nothing but patient and understanding so far,” I share, slipping my phone through my fingers, letting it fall and picking it back up, repeating the movement over and over.
“Are you going to give me the deets on the ‘again’, part of that text?” Paisley raises her right brow.
“Nope, we need to get ready. I’ve got kisses waiting,” I beam, rolling out of bed, grabbing my clothes, and heading to the shower.
“Alina Cassidy! That’s not fair!” Paisley shouts, as I close the bathroom door behind me. “Fine. You’re lucky I’m too excited to finally get to visit West Edmonton Mall to make you succumb to my will right now. But know this—you will divulge all in time, Ms Cassidy.”
Instead of responding, I just laugh. I’m not as excited as she is to go shopping, because clothes shopping is hard for me. I always end up migrating to the racks housing the looser, bigger, baggier clothes. I am, however, excited to spend the day at the famous mall with Slater, his kisses, and my friends. Luckily, there are lots of other things to do there besides shop. Who knew laughing could feel this good?
*
“You guys go on, I’ll meet you by the exit. I’ll stay with Charlie and Oliver.” My voice wobbles as the members of Sicken Union and my girls try to convince me to ride the Mindbender roller coaster with them.
The West Edmonton Mall is home to Galaxyland, one of the world’s largest indoor amusement parks, and the staff and facility were able to accommodate us by giving us a few hours of late access after closing. I can’t stop staring up at the roller coaster cars, sitting quiet and empty, waiting for everyone to get on. Looking at the ride’s restraint system and knowing that Slater will want to sit with me, all I can think of is that he’ll notice how big I actually am. He’ll see how my thighs rub the plastic sides of the coaster’s cart, how long the lap belt will need to be to accommodate my stomach, see how the over-the-shoulders restraint barely contains me. He’ll see how I have to cram myself in, like a marshmallow bursting out of a birdcage. And, worst of all, I worry he’ll change his mind about me.
If Kristie could see me now, she’d first acknowledge my perception of how I’m seeing things, but then she’d ask me to stop and see if maybe my mind’s distorting what I’m actually seeing and stressing about. She’d also remind me I’m actually at a healthy weight right now, and that 130 lbs is “good work”, even if I don’t see it that way. Kristie would then “take off her therapist hat” and roll her eyes at me. But, regardless of knowing that she’d say all of these things, these other images of myself as a bloated puffer fish are what run through my mind. They probably always will to some extent, for a long time—if not forever—no matter what others say. Kristie would tell me to simply acknowledge the thought, and then try to dial it way down in terms of how much I let it affect me, but I’m having trouble with that right now. Maybe it’s because I’m also feeling a little anxiety about riding this roller coaster.
If Lucky were here, he’d give me shit for going backwards when I’ve worked so hard and made so many gains in my recovery over the last two years. He’d say something about not letting myself stand in my own way. He’d remind me that I’ve done that far too long. Lucky would tell me to take charge of me, to just go on the ride and get over myself. I hate the idea of missing out on the fun—of not making these memories with Slater and the girls—but I can’t risk it. My body dysmorphia really does my head in sometimes, and right now is a prime example.
I haven’t even been to an amusement park or on a ride since my dad died. I used to love when he’d take Lucky and me. I really do want to experience this, yet I’m not so sure I can handle the thought of Slater, my friends, the security team, and the amusement park workers all watching me, judging me, and waiting to see if the “fat girl” will fit. Even if what’s on the outside doesn’t actually match my insides, I still worry they’ll witness my humiliation, no matter what anyone might say.
“No way, Ali,” Fife says, moving to the side of the entranceway to let me pass in front of him. “We’re all going on, you included. This is supposed to be a rush.” He’s right, it is supposed to be a complete rush—it’s the world’s largest indoor triple-loop roller coaster—and here I am wavering, letting myself get in my own way. Again. Stepping closer to the entrance and eyeing the blue train, I will myself to shut down all those bullshit worries, giving myself a pep talk. I know better. This is just my bully trying to manipulate me. I will not let Her win.
“If you’re scared, babe, I’ll be right beside you. I’ll even let you hold my hand,” Slater says as he comes up behind me, pulling me back into his chest. I melt into his touch as the others pass to get to the ride’s platform.
Turning around so we’re face to face, I take in his charming smile, warm eyes, and the subtle stubble that’s gracing his strong jaw today. “Slate, I’m not sure.” I pause, wondering how honest is too honest, so soon in our whatever we are.
“I promise, it’s safe. Well, safer now. There was—” Slater begins.
“Actually, I’m getting in my head about the seat size. It’s really stupid. Logically, I know I’ll fit but I’m having a moment of panic,” I blurt, cutting him off, surprising myself. And him also, judging from the way his face contorts in disbelief.
“Jesus, Ali,” he says, rubbing his hand behind his neck like I’ve noticed he does so often when he’s unsure or thinking of what to say next.
“I’m sorry. Forget I said anything. I’m being crazy. I’ll just meet you around at the end, I don’t want to hold you up,” I tell him, making a move to retreat from the line. I barely make it two steps before he’s in front of me.
“Don’t do that,” he says, leaning down so we’re eye to eye. “Don’t discount your feelings and my right to respond, to try and understand and help you work through it. You caught me off guard…I’ll admit it. That was the last thing I expected to be holding you back.” He takes a deep breath. “Now, I won’t tell you you’re crazy, or try to explain how wrong you are. Or tell you how beautiful I think you are, or how much I think about getting to touch you, or how I can’t wait to be alone with you. And I won’t tell you how much I can’t wait to kiss you again, or how badly I want to feel your body brushing against mine, or how I wish I could help you to see what we all see when we look at you,” Slater says, his tone serious. His eyes never leave my face, and I want to cry. And I want to argue, but he’s not done. “I know better, so I won’t tell you any of those things,” he grins, “but what I will say is that I will never discount your feelings, and I’m happy you’re opening up to me, even if you hadn’t planned on it. It’s a step, one in the right direction.”
He pulls me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me. In return I do the same. I even squeeze a little harder, hoping he feels how much his words and patience mean, how him not walking away and telling me I’m too crazy for him to handle is a big deal. I squeeze a bit tighter, hoping he interprets it as how incredible I think he is. I’m taken aback by his honesty, but he’s right. Today was a big step for me, one I should be proud of.
Letting go of me, but not before placing a chaste kiss on my lips, Slater pulls out his phone, taps away, and smiles before handing it over to me. Glancing down I see “Ride Requirements for the Mindbender”. My heart melts at the reassuring gesture, and I can’t stop a smile from playing across my lips.
“See, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Well, maybe the height. You are sort of on the short side, eh?” he teases, and I elbow him in the ribs, causing him to bark out a deep and sexy laugh.
“Hey, watch it. Good things come in small packages,” I laugh, and it feels good to be like this with him.
“They sure do,” he says, pulling me in close, wrapping his arms around me before kissing the top of my head.
“Thank you for getting me out of my head.” I pass him back his phone once we separate, and he slips it into the front pocket of his jeans.
“Always, baby. You ready to ride?” he asks, lacing our hands together and placing a kiss on top.
And just like that, the negativity and worry dissipates. I nod. “More than ready.”
“That’s my girl.”
“My girl”, I think, savouring the words.
Slater smiles triumphantly, and it feels good to have someone else fighting for me.
“This means I get cotton candy when we’re done,” I say, “right?”
“Hell, yeah, it does.”
You. Are. Exquisite…
I might always be my own worst enemy, but it’s clear that with the right people by my side, I can and will continue to beat this.
And, not only did I fit in the seat, there was more than enough room. We rode the Mindbender three times back to back, each time more fun than the last, before Slater and I excused ourselves from the group in search of some cotton candy. Slater bought us each our own bag because I was unwilling to share—even with him. It was the most deliciously sweet and sticky cotton candy I’ve ever had, so much so that I finished every single morsel.
The day might have started out with Her voice ringing in my head, and my own thoughts getting to me, but once we got on that ride, with Slater’s help I was able to let go and silence Her for the rest of the day. It was just Slater and me in our bubble.