CHAPTER FOURTEEN - TARA

I could barely keep myself from breaking. After Dr. Anderson gave me the news about my illness, everything passed by in a blur of terror and confusion. I was scared to death, worried that my fear would somehow exacerbate things and make me sicker. It wasn’t a logical fear, but it was there, lingering in the back of my mind and preventing me from engaging in my day.

I had cancer. A rare form of brain cancer that caused my headaches and vomiting. It wasn’t yet advanced, but it was so rare that the oncologists weren’t sure how to proceed. After Dr. Anderson gave me the news, he brought in two oncologists who talked to me about my diagnosis. I barely heard anything they said. My mind was spinning.

Nothing felt real. For days after my diagnosis, I walked around in a fog. I hadn’t yet told anyone about my cancer. The fear of what was happening to me was too real to face. I preferred to push it away, pretend like it didn’t exist and instead focus on other things. The only problem was, I couldn’t focus on anything. I was so foggy and distracted that I let things slip through the cracks.

My last PT session with Caleb was a mess. I barely remembered what we did. When he left that night, I knew he was angry with me, but I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t feel anything. He had a check-up with Dr. McGee the next day, and I missed it. Caleb told me about it a week ago, but somehow, it slipped my mind, and I didn’t show up. It wasn’t until the next morning that I realized I’d missed it.

I felt like shit about myself. Not only was I failing at my job but I was failing Caleb, who was the most important person in the world to me. I hated how confused he must have been. He didn’t know about my cancer, and I didn’t want him to. Still, I couldn’t just let things fall apart between us because I was sick. I refused to let that happen.

I took off work early and picked up some Chinese takeout. It was Caleb’s favorite, and I knew he’d love it. As I drove toward his apartment, I thought about what I would say. I couldn’t tell him the truth. Not yet. Instead, I had to explain my behavior without outright lying to him somehow. It wouldn’t be easy, but I was determined to try. My heart was racing as I walked up to his front door and knocked softly. I could hear his footsteps inside, and when the door swung open, I smiled.

It was my first genuine smile in days. Seeing Caleb was enough to ease my fears for just a moment. He frowned when he saw me, glancing down at the takeout containers in my hands.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“Dinner,” I said, holding up the food. “You interested?”

“Sure.” He shrugged and moved aside.

I walked through the door and sat down on the couch, arranging the takeout containers on the coffee table. Caleb walked over to join me. He wasn’t using his crutches. Instead, he was moving slowly. I gasped when I saw him.

“Where are your crutches?”

“Dr. McGee says I’m doing well,” Caleb said. “My check-up yesterday was great.”

“I’m sorry I missed it,” I said softly. Caleb just shrugged, so I pushed ahead. “What exactly did he say?”

“He thinks I’ll be back to normal in another month,” Caleb said. “He wants me to pick up the PT a bit. He said he sent his recommendations down to your office.”

“Oh,” I said, nodding. I didn’t remember if I received anything from Dr. McGee, and that made me feel even more guilty. “Well, that’s really great.”

“It is,” he said. “It’s great.”

“I know I said I would be there,” I said. “I just got distracted with work and time got away from me.”

“It’s probably for the best,” Caleb said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

He sighed and sunk onto the couch beside me. He shook his head slowly from side to side. I frowned at the look on his face. I’d never seen him look so serious.

“I had a conversation with your father,” Caleb said. “Well, he had a conversation with me.”

“What the fuck did he say this time?” I asked, my anger already boiling to the surface. With everything I had going on, I didn’t have the patience to deal with my dad’s bullshit.

“He wants me to stay away from you,” Caleb said. “Same shit as before.”

“I don’t know why he keeps doing this,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m an adult. This is ridiculous.”

“He’s worried about you,” Caleb said softly.

I searched his face, surprised to see that there wasn’t a trace of anger there. Instead, he just looked sad. Normally, my father pissed him off more than anyone. Caleb could rant about my dad for hours without getting tired. It was often his favorite subject, and yet, he didn’t seem interested.

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“I didn’t realize how bad things were for you when I left,” he said. “When I left for military school, I thought you would be fine.”

“I was,” I said defensively. It was a lie. I wasn’t fine. Not at all.

“Don’t lie to me,” Caleb said.

“I was hurt,” I admitted. “But it was ten years ago. It doesn’t matter now.”

“It does to your father,” Caleb said. “That’s the whole reason he wants to keep us apart.”

“No, it isn’t,” I said. “He wants to keep us apart for the same reasons he wanted to ten years ago. He doesn’t think it’s appropriate for us to be together.”

“He doesn’t think I’m good enough,” Caleb said. “And after what he told me, I’m not sure he’s wrong.”

“What does that mean?” I demanded.

“It means that I hurt you, Tara. I broke your heart. I left, and you were destroyed. That’s not okay.”

“You didn’t have a choice,” I said. “He sent you away.”

“I could have fought him,” Caleb said. “Maybe I should have.”

“We tried to,” I said. “We were going to run away together, remember?”

“But I changed my mind to protect you,” Caleb said. “Trust me, Tara, I remember.”

I fell silent. My eyes stayed locked on Caleb’s face, and I didn’t know what to say. My father didn’t have a right to bring up the past, especially not to Caleb. It was all so long ago. I never wanted to think about that time ever again.

It had broken my heart. I was destroyed, but that was over now. There were more important things to worry about, like my illness. As I looked at Caleb, I thought about telling him the truth. I knew he would be there for me. He would take me in his arms and ease my fears, but I was too scared. I didn’t even know how to face my cancer myself yet, how could I expect him to handle it?

I sighed. “Listen, I’m sorry about my dad,” I said. “He was wrong to bring up that shit.”

“I’m sorry for everything,” Caleb said. “The past and all.”

“Let’s not talk about the past,” I said firmly. “It’s over.”

Caleb nodded and finally smiled. It was the first time I’d ever seen him truly vulnerable. Even when we were teenagers, he was always so hard and closed off. He opened up to me when he felt like it, but that wasn’t often. We loved each other so much, and now, ten years later, I still did. I loved Caleb more than I ever had, and I didn’t want to be away from him again.

Still, I felt conflicted. My illness changed things. Not only was this cancer serious, but it was also damn near incurable. The doctors didn’t even know how to start my treatments. The hope for my recovery was almost nonexistent. How could I let Caleb get close to me again when I might die? How could I risk letting him in, falling in love with him all over again, when my time might be limited?

Caleb and I ate dinner and talked lightly. We laughed, and things felt like normal between us, but I was preoccupied the whole time. My dad had been warning us to stay apart for years, but I’d never paid him any attention until now. With my diagnosis in mind, I wondered if my father was right. Were things with Caleb meant to continue? Or was this cancer a sign that I should pull away from him for good?

I didn’t have an answer, and I knew I wouldn’t for a long time. I loved him deeply, but I was sick. Dying. That wasn’t something I could ignore any longer.

Unable to hold myself together, I said good night and fled. I barely made it to my car before I was overcome with sobs. They wracked through my chest, tearing themselves free and overwhelming me. I tried to get home before another headache set in, but I didn’t make it.

I drove the final few minutes in a haze of fear and pain.