Friday
Emily
I looked at the clock. Zero hour. Time to go.
Would we ever see each other again? Maybe our paths would cross in Europe. I could have some time free, he might too. The thought of a whole week together lit my body up. I thought about being with him on a beach somewhere, in a beautiful old city. It didn’t matter where.
Or he might meet someone else. He was a good man, someone was sure to set their sights on him. And why would he remember me, some woman on the other side of the earth? Would I move on too, just as easily? No, of course not. The thought of being close to another man made me recoil. I only wanted to be his, and I wanted him to be mine.
By the time I got out and dressed, early morning light was spilling through the window. I needed to go to work. There was time to go home, shower and put some clean clothes on.
Alex slept soundly on the bed. Leaning over I kissed him on the cheek.
‘I’ve got to go, see you,’ I whispered. He didn’t stir. There was no point in waking him.
With care, I closed the door behind me and headed down to the lobby. Outside, the cold air hit me hard. I recognised the plates of the Uber I’d ordered and slid into the passenger seat.
I had to go to work and I had to get back to reality.
Outside it was cool and crisp. A light fog hung about the ground but the cloudless sky promised a better afternoon. Hands in my coat pockets and scarf covering my cheeks, I decided to walk to work.
He would be gone by now, up overhead in a plane somewhere. Probably over the ocean. Going back to London, or even further away. Would he play again? I didn’t know and I don’t think he knew either.
A feeling moved inside me but I couldn’t place it. Was it anger? Anger at who? It had too much energy to be sadness. But it was too resigned to be angst. I didn’t know its name. The terrible feelings that you don’t have names for, they’re the ones that you can’t control.
Looking at my watch I realised I was going to be early. I was always early. Always early, always organised. The smell of coffee hit me as I passed a cafe. I stopped and went inside.
Stuff it, I’d stop and have breakfast.
Inside it was warm. The walls were the same brown of coffee beans. I ordered a latte and a chocolate croissant. The barista handed the both over to me without a word, and I took them to a little wooden table in the back corner.
In a few mouthfuls, the croissant was gone. I licked the chocolate from my fingers and wiped my mouth with a napkin. I drank my coffee. Then I left, looking at the clock on the wall as I walked out. I was still going to be on time.
Outside, I took a deep breath and felt better. A little better, at least. Maybe all things were possible. By the time I got to work I felt almost relaxed again.
‘Where have you been?’ demanded Andi, ‘I called you!’
I looked at my phone. I’d left it on silent and missed a heap of calls.
‘Sorry,’ I said.
‘You’re late,’ she replied.
‘Nope,’ I pointed to the clock. I put my bag down on my desk and hit the space key to turn my computer on.
‘He’s here. And he’s asking for you. I put him in consult room three.’
‘Who?’ I said, starting to wonder why And was worked up. Had I forgotten a patient?
‘Alejandro Martin is here.’
‘What? No, his flight left this morning.’
‘Well, I’m going to wager he missed that. What the hell is going on with you two?’
‘I have no idea,’ I said. ‘I’ll go find out.’
I left and walked across to the consult rooms. Was he really here? Was his flight cancelled? Did he miss it?
The door was ajar. In the corner Alex sat, staring straight ahead with his back upright. He tapped his fingers on his left knee.
‘What are you doing?’ I asked.
He turned his head toward me, a smile spreading across his face. I couldn’t help but smile back. He stood up as I rushed towards him, throwing my arms around him in a hug, breathing in his sweet scent. I’d thought I’d never do that again.
‘Emily,’ he said. ‘You’re here.’
‘Didn’t your plane leave this morning? What’s happened?’ I asked.
‘I changed it for tonight. I have to ask you something,’ he said.
‘Let’s go outside,’ I said. Even though we were in a consult room anyone who was around could hear us.
We took the elevator down to the ground floor and headed to the small courtyard. There were a few trees, dropping their final leaves to the ground. Park benches once meant for smokers now made for a lunch spot on a nice day. I sat down on one of the benches.
‘So, you changed your flight?’
The fog had lifted. Alejandro stood in the sunlight with his hands on his hips. He took a deep breath. ‘First, I should tell you that I have quit Barcelona.’
‘You left the quartet?’
‘Yes.’
‘You told them?’
He nodded.
‘What will you do?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll be able to play again. I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t. But most of all I don’t know what I’ll do for one second, just one moment without you by my side. I cannot even picture it in my mind.’
How could it feel so good to hear those words, and at the same time have them make me feel so sad?
‘I want to ask you to come with me. I bought you a ticket.’
My head was spinning. Now it was my turn to take a deep breath, ‘I’m sorry. But I can’t.’ I almost choked on my words.
‘I know you want to teach. But what if I came with you? We can do it together.’
‘I don’t mean teaching.’
‘Then what?’ he said.
If I spoke I was going to cry. But I had to.
‘It took me a long time to walk away from a relationship where I let someone else make all the decisions,’ I said. ‘It took guts. But I made this plan, then I did it. I owe it to myself to stick to it.’
‘I’m walking away from my life too. The only work I know. The people I know. You want to tell me that doesn’t take guts?’ he replied in a curt tone.
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘It takes guts to follow your heart and to live your passion. I’ve been trying to be a musician since I was a teenager. And it might not end that well for me. It also takes guts to deviate from the plan.’
I stood up. Holding his gaze, I could see the question in his eyes. I could see longing. I could see that he was afraid of what the next part of his life held. This was my last chance.
I hugged him one last time. I couldn’t help it. Like a last cigarette. He pulled me close to him, I buried myself into him as much as I could.
‘I know it’s hard,’ he whispered. ‘But what if we were doing it together?’
His words hung heavy in the air as he waited for me to answer.
‘I can’t,’ I said. The prickle of tears stung my eyes.
He pushed me away.
‘You can,’ he said, throwing a hand up in the air. ‘Pack a bag now and we’ll go tonight.’ He turned his back on me and walked across the courtyard.
I shook my head, no.
‘I don’t want another relationship. I don’t want to wake up in twenty years and realise I’ve done nothing with my life.’
‘This is not just another relationship,’ he shouted. ‘At least, it’s not for me.’
I stood in silence, slipping my hands into my pockets.
‘You say you were unhappy,’ he said, anger rising in his voice. ‘But you don’t even know what makes you happy. And you won’t do anything outside of some plan. How do you think you’re ever going to find out?’
‘This is different,’ I said.
He crossed his arms across his chest. Opening his mouth to say something else, he checked himself and stayed silent.
‘You should go,’ I said,
‘Good. I will.’ And without looking back once, he walked away.
Hot tears brimmed in my eyes. I held them in. I wanted to save it for home. It was going to be a big and ugly kind of cry.
‘Oh, Emily,’ Andi stood as soon as she saw me walk into our office. Without hesitation, she closed her arms around me in a hug. ‘What happened?’
‘He wanted me to go with him.’
‘Then why are you crying?’ she said.
‘I don’t want to go.’
‘You don’t?’
‘I don’t know,’ I swallowed hard, not wanting any more tears. ‘I want my trip. My trip I planned. I don’t want to be like-.’
‘I know,’ she sighed. ‘That’s fair. Sit down. Paperwork can wait today.’
I sat down on my office chair, turned towards Andi. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t want to be sitting here crying. I don’t know why I’m so upset. It got heated.’
‘What kind of heated?’ she asked.
‘He got angry, then stormed off. I don’t know.’
‘Don’t worry about it, okay? You made the right choice for you. I know Brett was hard work, and you want something different. And, as hot as he is I don’t think you’d enjoy following him around Europe like some groupie.’
‘He quit. He quit the quartet.’
‘No way. Why?’ she asked.
I guessed there was no harm in telling her the truth. ‘He has focal dystonia. Right hand.’
‘Shit. Poor guy. So where exactly did he want to take you?’
‘He said he’d come with me wherever I wanted to teach.’
Andi sat down in her own chair now. ‘And you still don’t want to go?’
‘I can’t.’
‘I see where you’re coming from. And don’t be angry at me when I say this. You’re a sensible woman. You’re not interested in idiots. You’re hardly interested in anyone. But this man has shown up, he’s swept you off your feet in less than a week. I’ve never seen you happier. Maybe it’s awesome sex, maybe you’re glad to be free of Brett. But if it’s something more… if it’s special. Don’t let it go.’
‘No. I… I don’t want to end up like my Mum, Andi.’
‘Emily,’ she said. ‘Have you ever thought that maybe your Mum was happy?’
‘What?’
‘Sure, she wasn’t a singer like she wanted. But she had five kids. And she must have done something right because you’re a good person. She chose to be your mother. She chose to be with you and your brothers. And, there were other things she wanted to do, but you were number one to her.’
‘Sure, but she still didn’t get that thing she wanted. She didn’t get to live her passion.’
‘Well, I don’t think she would have wanted you to not have yours either.’
Sydney was pretty, even on a cold night in the depth of winter. Most of the trees had lost their leaves. The moon was full, lighting up the path home more than usual, despite a few scattered clouds in the sky above me. I chose to walk home. I wanted to think.
It was a blue night. It was strange, how a night could be a colour. I remembered nights of bar-hopping with Rachel, and our friends back when we were still at university. We would be drunk and hot and happy in summer. Those nights are red in my memory. Were they actually red though, or was it the way I had coded it into my brain? Shouldn’t all nights be black? The only black night I could think of was camping with a boyfriend, far out in the countryside to see the stars. It was so dark we could barely see each other. But of course, up above us was the magnificence of the Milky Way; black and blue and purple and white. But on earth, the night was black.
The world stayed blue for me tonight. Cool and calm. I listened, but I could not hear a sound. Not a car or a person. Only me, my feet on the sidewalk. All alone.
Alone, and now Alejandro Martin was gone forever. Back to London, or Santiago, or somewhere else. I’d ruined things and left no chance of meeting again. There would be no romantic week on a beach somewhere.
But what choice did I have? I didn’t want to go with him. My adventure is my own. I choose the itinerary and I am my own tour guide. I don’t want to follow a musician around waiting for his time.
But he didn’t ask for that, did he? That’s what Andi had been telling me a few hours ago. He wasn’t asking for anything. Except maybe my companionship, perhaps my understanding. Maybe my support, as he starts the next phase of his life. And I shot him down.
Could we have had a future?
He was kind. He was so easy to around. And sex with him was amazing.
When I recruited for a study I always had requirements for my participants. An age group, a gender, prior treatments or future schedules. If I was recruiting for a partner, Alejandro would have ticked every box. But I wasn’t recruiting. Study closed.
And if I opened it, if I could silence that little voice in my head that said I didn’t want a partner, would he be the one?
Of course he would. I answered my own question so fast it frightened me.
I got home, taking the stairs to the apartment.
‘It’s me,’ I called out as I unlocked the door.
‘Hey, I saved you dinner,’ Rachel called back. She was in the lounge watching TV.
‘Thanks,’ I found a bowl of chicken fried rice on the kitchen bench.
I picked it up and sat on the couch next to her.
‘I didn’t know when you’d come home. No Alejandro tonight?’
‘He’s gone home,’ I said.
‘Oh. All the way home?’
‘To London, I think.’
I looked to the TV. I didn’t want to let on how I was feeling. I’d had enough tears for one day.
‘Ah. Sorry,’ she said. ‘You okay?’
‘Yeah. It ended weird.’
‘You were nice together. Too bad he lives on the other side of the world.’
‘Yeah.’
Too bad that I’d been a bitch and sent him back to the other side of the world.
‘I guess it’s safe to say you liked him a lot then,’ said Rachel standing up. ‘It’s cool, I have ice cream for situations like these.’
Liked him? That didn’t seem enough. He deserved more than that.
An illness is a constellation of symptoms. Map out your symptoms and you will get your diagnosis. With your diagnosis you could find a prognosis. A prediction of its future course. Was love the same?
I had passion for him. I respected him. He made me feel alive.
But our prognosis? Did we have a future together?
‘Here,’ Rachel came back in, a pint of ice cream in hand.
‘I can’t. I have to go.’
I stood up, then walked straight back out the front door. ‘And Rach, I need to borrow your car if I’m going to get there in time.’
Driving, as it turns out, is like riding a bike. Once you know how to do it you never forget. A whole bundle of nerves had gathered in my stomach when I started the car, but I ignored it. I made my way down the highway, following the signs to the airport, the nerves fell away.
Walking into the airport, I hoped I could guess what flight he was catching. But I couldn’t see the departures boards. Because I was in the wrong part of the terminal. Again.
‘Fuck. This is fucking arrivals,’ I said out loud.
I went back outside and jogged the few hundred meters to get to departures. This time I found the board. Dubai, London, Paris. It could be any. Where was the tour even going? Would he go with them or go home?
I had no idea. I went through the metal detectors to get down to the gates.
‘Excuse me, Ma’am, you’ve been randomly selected for a swipe test for explosive materials.’
I turned around to see a security guard beside me, with one of those wands they swipe you with in one hand and a laminated sheet of legislation in the other.
‘Really?’ I said.
‘Yes, step this way please.’
‘There’s no one else here. That’s not random,’ I said.
‘You don’t have to do it, but you can’t come in if you don’t.’
‘Yeah, I know. Just do it,’ I said.
She swiped my jacket, then my handbag. She placed the tab into the computer and then the screen lit up green.
‘Thank you,’ she said.
I thought they only stopped men with beards. Must be a slow night.
Lost in my own thoughts, I didn’t even see what I tripped on. Flying forwards, I caught myself on my elbows. My handbag landed on the floor upside down.
Trying to keep as much dignity as possible, I reached for my bag. I gathered my stuff up off the ground.
‘That’s a popular place to fall over.’
I looked up and saw a pair of black boots. It was Alex.
He took my hand in his, pulling me up to my feet.
‘Emily, what are you doing here?’
‘I came to say I’m sorry.’
‘Sorry?’ he asked.
‘Sorry that I got angry before.’
‘It’s okay. We both got angry.’
‘No, it’s not. It was a big deal for you to leave Barcelona. I know that. But you’re choosing it. You’re choosing something new. And you know, you’re right. It’s not a job or a country that makes you happy. It’s the way you choose to live each day. The attitude you choose to have. It’s being brave. And I think you’re brave.’
I took a breath. Alex looked at me, but he didn’t respond. I couldn’t judge the expression on his face.
‘Okay,’ he said.
‘Let’s just go. Here, somewhere else, it doesn’t matter. I just want to do it with you.’
A huge smile spread across his face. ‘Really?’ he asked.
‘Yes. Of course,’ I said, smiling now too. ‘The way you live your life every day is what makes you happy, and all of the people you get to spend it with. And you’re the person I want to spend all my time with. It’s not logical and it doesn’t fit in with any plan, but it doesn’t matter. Because my heart is happy when I’m with you. I love you, Alex.’
Wrapping his arms around me he picked me up. ‘Yo tambien te amo,’ he said, as he spun me around in a circle. ‘I love you too, Emily.’