Paige was doing all she could to maintain the calm, professional demeanor. At least the effect he had on the office girls proved the kind of power this man had over women just by his sheer presence. What the hell was he doing here, though? She wasn’t supposed to be back at work until the next day and she’d planned on spending the day with him, talking. He’d nixed that, though, so she came to work, and now he wanted to talk. It figured.

She opened the door to her office and even before he followed her inside, she knew how uncomfortable it was going to be. He had to duck to fit through the doorway and even when she slipped behind the desk, he didn’t look like he had enough room to even turn around if he wanted to. She took a breath to steady herself and said, “So, what are you doing here?”

“I wanted to apologize,” he said.

She tried not to smile. Crossing her arms she said, “Didn’t you try that earlier? Badly?”

“Yeah,” he said with a small grin. “I was hoping you’d give me another chance.”

“Okay. Shoot.”

He suddenly looked...defeated? “I don’t know how to do this, any of it.”

“Do what, Garrett?”

“Talk...tell people about me and my fucked-up life. I don’t know how to do that.”

“Is that an apology?”

“Fuck, Paige, give me a break, okay? I’m sorry that I can’t give you what you want from me.”

She sat down in the chair behind her desk. “What is it you think I want from you, Garrett?”

“I don’t know.”

She did chuckle at that. “If you don’t know what I want, then how do you know you can’t give it to me?”

He sat down in the little folding chair across from her desk. She hoped it held up. “Tell me, please. Tell me what you want, because my head is so fucked up right now, and even if it wasn’t, I don’t know how to do this...human thing.”

She smiled. “Stop that, stop putting yourself down all the time. You have so much more going for you than you know, Garrett.” She sighed. “I know that talking about your life is not easy for you. But for some reason—maybe it was the whole...you saving my life thing—I thought I might be the one...” She realized when she said that, and stopped there, that he might take that wrong. “I mean the one that you might be able to open up to. I told you everything about me and my sister and how all of that made me feel. What I got from you in return was a box full of newspaper clippings. I don’t want to read about your life in black and white, Garrett. I want to hear it from you. I want the opportunity to...I don’t know, make you feel better about yourself, I guess.”

He was staring down at the floor as she spoke. When she said that, he looked up at her and she could see fear in his eyes as he asked, “What if you don’t want to...make me feel better about myself? What if I talk to you and tell you everything and you can’t stand to look at me any longer?”

“I doubt that is going to happen,” she said. She could see by the look on his face and his tense posture that he believed it was a real possibility. Leaning in toward him she said, “Hey, nobody is ever going to approve of everything that someone has done in their lifetime. If I told you everything I’ve ever done...well, you might look at me differently as well. But that’s okay, because my history is part of who I am today and so is yours. And the thing is, Garrett...I really like who you are today.”

He made a face and said, “Why?”

Paige laughed and shook her head. “Hell if I know.” Garrett laughed too and when they both sobered again she said, “I want to know you, Garrett. I want to help you get through what you’re going through the way you helped me. Saint told me a story the night I met him. The man he described was a man that I’d be proud to know. Please give me a chance. I don’t want our relationship to just be about good sex and an ugly secret we’re carrying around.”

He was quiet for a few seconds before finally grinning and saying, “Can it be partly about good sex?”

Paige laughed and shook her head. “You’re hopeless...but apparently so am I. Yes, definitely let’s keep the sex part.”

* * *

Garrett felt better when he left Paige’s office, but he was still nervous about how she would take everything he had to tell her. She promised to come straight to his apartment when she finished her day, so he was headed back to shave and do something with his hair. He at least wanted to look halfway decent by the next time she saw him. He was just pulling into his parking stall when his phone rang. Hoping it was news about Saint, he didn’t even look at the caller ID. He was surprised to hear Leanne’s voice. She usually texted him when she had something to say. When she said “Garrett” his heart skipped a beat. He could hear the stress in her tone and he was instantly afraid that something happened to his sweet Jessie.

“Yeah, Lee, what’s...?”

“What the fuck were you thinking? Are you insane?” Leanne rarely used the “F” word. She hated that he used it so much and was constantly telling him that one day it would be Jessie’s favorite word too.

“I’m sorry? What are you talking about?”

“Really? The letter? I wasn’t even sure I was going to catch you alive.”

“Oh shit.” Fucking Saint. He sent out the letters...Jesus. What the fuck was he thinking? “You got the letter...”

“Yeah, I got it and I read it while I was waiting to pick your daughter up at preschool. Imagine what state of mind I was in by the time I had to drive her home. Now answer my question, are you insane?”

“Uh...” He got off the bike and thought about what he’d said in the letter. It wasn’t anything too graphic. It was for Jessie to read someday and for the most part he had just said he’d done some things he wasn’t proud of and that he thought she’d be better off with a man like Jake as her father, rather than him. And of course, he told her how much he loved her and how she’d changed his life. “I guess so,” he finally said. “I didn’t mean for her, for you to get that letter. It was...” He hated lying, but if Leanne thought he was suicidal, she’d never let him see Jessie. If he was going to stay alive, that was going to be the number one reason. If he couldn’t see her, he might as well be dead. “I’m in therapy for my PTSD and it was an exercise. It was to make the consequences of suicide more real. I wrote one to everyone I’m close to...but they weren’t supposed to be mailed.”

Leanne was silent on the other end and Garrett’s hand shook as he held onto the phone and waited. He’d heard one of his SEAL buddies talk about the exercise once. He said that people don’t think past their own self-pitying, self-indulgent thoughts and realize just how many lives they would affect by taking their own. Now that he really thought about it, it had made him second-guess his choices.

“Look, Garrett, I’m glad you’re finally getting some help.” Garrett almost laughed. He hadn’t even realized Leanne thought he needed “help.” “But you should have been more careful. Imagine how I felt, reading this letter that you left for my four-year-old daughter, talking about killing yourself because you’re some kind of terrible person. In a matter of minutes, I had to imagine first telling her you were dead and then explaining that she’d never see you again and then having her read this when she’s older and questioning why she wasn’t good enough to keep you alive...” He heard her voice crack. It made his heart hurt.

“I’m sorry, Leanne. My buddy picked up the letters with something else I asked him to mail. He didn’t know what they were...I should have been more careful with them. But you know how much I love our little girl. She is good enough. She’s too good. I don’t know why I got so lucky as to be her father...but I know that I am, and I’d never do anything to screw that up, okay?” He felt sick. He was still lying. He’d had suicidal thoughts again just that very morning. What if one day they come back while I’ve got his gun in my hand? Or what if he ended up in prison? What the fuck would she think of him then?

“Garrett? Are you still there? Did you hear me?”

“Uh, no, I’m sorry. What did you say?”

“I said I know how much you love her. Yes, you should have been more careful, but I’m glad you’re okay. I’m not going to keep her from you.”

“Thank you, Leanne. You know, I’m thankful for you too.”

He could hear the smile in her voice as she said, “I know, I read that in the letter too.” He chuckled, and she said, “I’m shredding it.”

“Okay.”

“Bye, Garrett.”

“Bye, Leanne.” He ended the call with a sigh of relief and then another rush of guilt. As he finally put the key in his apartment door he realized that the relief outweighed the guilt. He was glad he’d been able to think of the lie quickly enough to keep Leanne from saying he couldn’t see Jessie...as long as he was alive. He knew that was just another red flag pointing in the direction of his character, but when it came to his daughter, he didn’t really care.