Chapter 25
Grayson heard back from his boss first thing Friday morning.
They had room for him at the San Diego office. He thought this news would make him feel better, but it didn’t.
There was no way he would have been able to walk any slower on his way home that evening. He looked up at their building and cursed. He didn’t want to walk in there and see her smiling face of indifference.
He forced himself to go inside, letting his bag slide down his arm to rest by the door.
Alyssa was sitting on the sofa with her legs tucked under her.
“Hey, how was your day? You worked really late.” She stood. “I made chicken stir-fry. You want some?”
“No thanks. I’m going to go take a shower and go to bed.”
“Do you feel okay?”
“No.”
* * * *
Alyssa asked if Grayson needed anything as he rushed to his room, but he didn’t answer.
She’d always been under the impression that when guys had an argument they said what they needed to say, cleared the air, and then made up and went back to being buddies.
Gray wasn’t making up or going back to being buddies. She knew she’d hurt him, but she couldn’t allow herself to love him. Somewhere, out in the world, was a woman who had been hurt because Alyssa had once been blinded by love.
Love meant not seeing what was right in front of you.
As she tried to come up with a plan, his phone rang from his bag by the door. She tried to tune it out, knowing his voice mail would pick up after the fourth ring, but instead it rang again right away.
Then again.
And again.
She looked annoyingly toward the hall, still hearing the water running in the bathroom as the phone started yet again.
“For the love of God!” she huffed, and got up to go answer it. She saw two letters that made her smile. I-Z
“Hey, Izzy. What’s up?” she asked as she knocked a wrinkled piece of paper out of his bag.
“Hi, Alyssa. Where is he?” she asked, sounding angry.
“Um, he’s in the shower. Do you need me to take the phone in?”
“No.”
“What’s wrong?” There was a long silence. She guessed Izabelle was deciding whether to side with Alyssa or her brother.
“Please tell him I’ll call him back later to discuss the email he sent me,” she said.
“Okay. Sure. I’ll let him know.” It was obvious the email exchange had not been good. They said their good-byes and she put his phone back in the pocket of his bag and moved to replace the wrinkled paper, until she noticed a familiar name written at the top.
“Oh, no,” she gasped as she started reading. It was a consent form for visitation with Donnie and it was filled out for Grayson Hollinger. He’d gone to talk to Donnie?
Her hands were shaking so badly that she could barely hold the paper still.
Just as she was finished reading the date of the visit, Gray walked into the living room in a pair shorts, his hair still wet from the shower.
He stared at her with wide eyes.
“No.” He rushed over and took the paper from her, but it was too late.
“Why do you have that?” was her first question.
“It’s not how it looks.”
“Why did you go to see him?”
“I didn’t see him.”
She shook the form at him as proof.
“I went there to speak with him, hoping he could offer some closure. I was desperate to help you heal, but before I went through with it, I realized he wasn’t going to be able to help you.”
“So I’m just some broken toy you’re trying to fix, but the parts are no longer available so just toss me out?” She remembered what his mother had said about the projects he’d taken on in the past.
“No. It’s not like that.”
“What is so wrong with me that you feel I need to be fixed?”
“You…” He obviously thought better of answering that question. Instead he shook his head and let it fall. “I can’t do anything right with us. Is it wrong that I want to help you? Is it wrong that I care about you?”
“I never asked you to care about me.” She tossed the form at his chest and went to her room.
She wasn’t his fixer-upper project.
As she lay there sobbing herself to sleep, she realized the effort he’d made to help her. To go to a prison. As misguided as the idea was, she knew his heart was in the right place. One day, she would thank him. But it wouldn’t be any day in the immediate future.
Somehow she managed to fall asleep, only to be awoken by her phone ringing by her head.
“Yeah?” she asked, not recognizing the number.
“Hey Alyssa, it’s Chanda. Can you come down here? Gray’s blitzed and I’m going to have to put him out. I’d have Doug help, but he has Lucy.” For a moment, Alyssa contemplated letting him stay down there all night, but she couldn’t. He’d gone to Syracuse to try to help her. She could at least make sure he made it home safe.
“Sure. I’ll be right there.”
In the ten minutes it took her to find shoes and get to the bar, Gray had already been put out on the street.
Chanda peeked out with a frown.
“Sorry. I didn’t have a choice. It’s a legal thing. Mac said we had to kick him out. Do you want me to call a cab?”
“No. I’ll take care of it. Thanks for calling me.”
“He’s going through something. He didn’t ever get to the point, but I’m pretty sure it has to do with his feelings for you.”
“I don’t know what to do. I told him this was never going to work.”
“Maybe you’re both trying too hard. It’s a common mistake.”
“Maybe.”
“Let me know if you need any help.” Chanda waved and closed the door.
Liss turned to Gray and sighed.
He was slumped over on the bench. His right pants leg was wet and smelled suspiciously like urine. She wondered briefly if it was from a dog or a human. Then decided urine is never good, no matter the source.
“What’s going on?” she asked him and got an incoherent mumble for an answer. “Come on, big guy. Let’s get you home. You reek.”
“I don’t want to go home if she’s there.”
“Who’s she? Me?”
He blinked and then let out a sigh. She guessed that was all the reply she needed.
“Look, I know you’re upset, but I can’t leave you outside all night where people or things will piss on you. So get up and come home. Don’t be a baby.”
“I am a baby. No, I’m worse than a baby, I’m a teenage girl. I’m all about feelings and shit,” he slurred while attempting to stand.
“Feelings really suck, don’t they?”
No answer.
He was able to walk, though he was leaning heavily on Alyssa’s offered shoulder.
After the first half block, she realized walking was going to take too long and she hailed a cab. The first driver took one look at Grayson and kept going. The second one didn’t seem as selective, but frowned as she maneuvered him into the backseat.
“He’d better not get sick in my cab,” the man threatened.
“I think he’s okay. It’s not far. Just two blocks.”
Two blocks later, she shoved at Gray until he woke up again. She tugged him out of the cab. She’d never seen him so bad off and wondered what he had been drinking.
“Were you doing shots?” she guessed.
“Yeah,” he told her. “A whole bunch of them.”
“I see.”
He groaned when the elevator moved, and for a moment Alyssa thought it was all over. He took a deep breath and reached for the wall to steady himself. When the door opened on their floor, they stepped out.
Alyssa opened the door and Gray headed straight for the sofa.
“Oh no, you don’t. We need to get you out of those clothes and cleaned up first. Someone pissed on you.”
“Did I piss on me?” he muttered, looking down.
Alyssa hadn’t considered that possibility, but studied him again.
“I don’t think so. Not that it would matter. You still need to get cleaned up first.”
She guided him to the bathroom and helped him with his clothes while she turned on the water.
“It’s very ‘roary’ in here,” he said, making her laugh at his made-up word.
“Come on.” She helped him get the offending pants off and tossed them toward the trashcan. Then she pulled down his boxers and assisted with his socks while he managed to get his shirt partway over his head. “Here. Let me,” she said, pulling it back down and undoing the buttons before pushing it off his shoulders.
She glanced down at her denim shorts and T-shirt and decided to go in with him to help, worried he’d drown otherwise. She washed his hair and lathered up the soap, paying special attention to the offending leg. As she stood up, she saw he had taken notice to her bending down in front of him and his body had responded to her closeness.
He made a strangled sound as she stood and turned him to rinse. He slumped back against the wall and hung his head.
“Why can’t you love me, Liss?” She didn’t know what to say so she said nothing. “Please just love me the way I love you. Everything would be so much easier if you could love me. Why…?” He faded off as he leaned his head back against the wall. Water dripped from his nose, lips and chin as he squeezed his eyes closed. “I wouldn’t ever hurt you. Please, Liss?”
In that moment, she didn’t see him as the guy she was trying desperately not to fall in love with to save her heart, but as the man who already had her heart, and wanted to give her his own in return. Grayson was safe. It was that simple. The fear washed away and the answer was easy.
“Okay,” she whispered and leaned up to kiss his wet lips. Water poured all around them as she let her feelings for him well up around her like the steam in the small room, comforting and warm.
Gray stumbled back and she steadied him while she turned the water off. When the water stopped, his hands were on both of her cheeks, pulling her to his mouth again.
“Alyssa?” he whispered against her wet neck.
“Yes. I love you, Grayson. I’m sorry I’ve been fighting it. I was so scared.”
“Please don’t be afraid of me, Liss.”
His lips claimed her as he leaned against her heavily. She quickly understood the shower was not the safest place for someone who was intoxicated.
“Come on,” she said and helped him out of the shower. She helped him dry off then looked down at her dripping clothes. Rather than make puddles, she slipped her clothes off and led him to his room. When she got him settled—in the nude because she wasn’t going to struggle to get him redressed—she stole one of his T-shirts and pulled it on.
He was already snoring softly with his arm out as if in invitation. She slid in next to him and closed her eyes.
“I love you, Grayson.” She waited for the panic to settle in, but it didn’t come. She relaxed and let the rightness of the moment cover her like a warm blanket.
It was easy to fall asleep in his arms, listening to his steady breathing and his heart reassuring her with each beat that he would be there for her always. Safe.
She awoke before him. No doubt, he would sleep until noon. She went out to get breakfast. She wasn’t just making breakfast, though; she was also smiling.
And thinking.
Where would this go from here? Love changed things. They already lived together, but would he want to get married someday? What about kids? She found herself wanting all of those things. Because she loved him.
She was ripped from her joyful moment by Grayson as he shouted from his room.
“Fuck!” he yelled. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”
Alyssa dropped the frozen waffle and went running to help the man she loved.