Ben

 

I felt like a goddamn clown standing on the altar with this monkey suit on. Never in a million years did I imagine this would be one of the stops in my life. I figured at worst I’d have an outlaw’s wedding, where I took the broad to the tattoo shop and got my name inked on her skin. Not this officiated bullshit. For God’s sake, there was a priest here and everything. This would be as legitimate a thing as it could possibly be, valid in the eyes of the Lord and the benevolent state of New Mexico.

 

Slick and Jay sat in the front pew, with a few of the other brothers scattered throughout the remaining rows on the left side of the church. Most hadn’t come, which was just fine with me. I wanted to get this shit over and done with, so I could go back to figuring out just how the hell to get out of this mess without risking the lives of my men by tempting James to declare an all-out war.

 

The right side of the aisle was barren. Not a single person was here for Carmen. I wondered what kept them away, if there was even anyone to come in the first place. Was it shame? Or fear of James? Both options were equally likely.

 

I shifted back and forth. I couldn’t find a comfortable position to stand in. The shiny loafers on my feet were stiff, the starched shirt collar scraped at the back of my neck, and no matter where I put my hands, I felt ridiculous.

 

Finally, at long last, the organist started playing and the double doors at the far end of the room opened. All eyes shifted towards them to see Carmen standing there, arm in arm with her father.

 

My jaw dropped. Thoughts disappeared. For one long second, all I could do was gape. She was motherfucking gorgeous. The dress she was wearing was long and flowing, its hem sliding across the floor as she and James began their slow canter towards the front. From the wide skirt, it rose up into a corset that hugged her ribs and accentuated her waist. Her bare shoulders shone pale and flawless. I couldn’t make out her face behind the veil, but the blonde tresses of her hair were coiled into an intricate heap on the top of her head.

 

It looked like she was glowing. I rubbed a knuckle in my eyes. They had to be deceiving me. No, they weren’t. The light pouring in through the stained glass windows set high in the walls was lighting up her skin and the dress in rich reds and blues. Where it came through clear, it set off an ethereal radiance.

 

They paced up the aisle and, then, before I could properly process everything that was happening, they were there. James stared at me for a long moment as he released Carmen’s arm. She stepped gracefully up onto the altar and pivoted to face me.

 

That skin—it was so perfect. Just like Olaf’s kid. Just like I’d done in Dina’s apartment, I looked down at my own hands. What I saw disgusted me. Scars etched deep into my skin where I’d taken knife blades or smashed my knuckles into another man’s face until my own skin split. Tattoos, crude, dark. Oil stains that no amount of scrubbing could get rid of.

 

I couldn’t bring myself to touch her. Not yet. Maybe not ever. I was a filthy, dark bastard. I’d seen and done too much shit. Just being near me would spread it. I couldn’t do that. Not to her. I needed to keep my distance and find the nearest exit as soon as I was able.

 

I looked up at Carmen, but she refused to meet my gaze. She kept her eyes fixed at the floor between us. I couldn’t read her expression behind the veil. Her features were blurred, impossible to distinguish. What was she thinking? Hell, what was I thinking?

 

The priest began to speak, but I barely heard a word. When he told me to repeat after him, I did so numbly, through thick lips that fought against cooperating. I’d never felt so clumsy and hollow before. But at the same time, I’d never wanted a girl so badly. Those shoulders were screaming to be touched. To be claimed. Made mine.

 

No. I stamped a mental foot down. I wouldn’t entertain those thoughts for a goddamn second. I’d made my decision and I wasn’t the type of man who went back on a promise to himself. I wasn’t going to lay a finger on this girl. Icy, foreboding distance, that was what the situation called for.

 

“Ben, you must say the words,” the priest said. I realized I’d zoned out, too deep in my own thoughts to keep up with the proceedings.

 

“Which ones?”

 

“I do.”

 

The question was, did I? Did I promise to protect this girl, take care of her, be a companion to her? Hell no. I promised to stay the fuck away. That was the nicest thing I could offer. But I’d sworn to James that I would do as he asked. I hated kowtowing to him, but I didn’t have a choice. On with the show.

 

“I do,” I said.

 

The priest nodded and turned to Carmen. “And do you, Carmen Sanders, take Ben Killmore as your lawfully wedded husband?”

 

She looked up at me for the first time since the ceremony had begun. I saw that her eyes were filled with tears. “I do.”

 

“Then I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

 

I stared at her. She looked back at me, and I could see she was trembling, but she refused to break eye contact. I didn’t know what was in her eyes. Was that hate? Fear? Some combination of the two? Whatever it was, I didn’t think it boded well for our lovely little matrimony. James was a fool. This couldn’t possibly be the way to handle things.

 

My gaze fell to her stomach. Had he told the truth? It occurred to me with a jolt that he could have been lying to me the whole damn time. Maybe this was all some sick ruse and he was using his own daughter to pull the wool over my eyes, to butter me up before roasting me for breakfast. Was that a bump I saw? Or was I imagining it? Shit, I didn’t know the first thing about pregnancy. That shit was voodoo as far as I was concerned.

 

Better get learning quickly, said an unwanted voice in the back of my head. If James’s right, you’re gonna be a daddy real soon. Jesus, I felt sick. I was the last person on this planet who should be procreating right now. I was a wild man; I did what I wanted when I wanted and if someone didn’t like how I did things, then I was as liable to punch them in the mouth as anything else. Some parental role model. My kid would be in juvie before he could walk.

 

I heard an awkward murmuring and shuffling from the men and realized I’d been standing there for an awfully long time, just staring at Carmen and not doing a goddamn thing. I’d have to take James at his word. For the time being at least, this was my reality—life with a wife. An innocent, hot-as-fuck wife, one with a body that I wanted to claim over and over again.

 

But I wasn’t going to let that happen. I wouldn’t let myself do that. Distance, Ben, distance. I reached out a hand and lifted the veil over Carmen’s head. She was frozen. I couldn’t read what was going on in her eyes, but they looked stormy as hell. I was sure her thoughts were just as fubar as mine. Hell, the thought of what this all looked like from her perspective was almost amusing to me. I bet I looked like one crazy motherfucker. A grizzled, inked, brooding bastard who could rip her clothes off without even trying. She must be scared for her fucking life.

 

I wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t find the heart even to appreciate that kind of gallows humors. Poor girl. She hadn’t asked for this. She deserved better than me. Or different from me at the very least.

 

I saw her flinch when the back of my knuckles accidentally grazed her face as I tucked the veil behind her head. She was like a china doll, all fragile porcelain. Would she break if I touched her? Would she shatter in my hands?

 

I felt like I was on autopilot as I leaned towards her. Just one kiss, that’s all it would take. That’s as far as things would go. Ever. I lowered my face towards hers, those damn Bambi eyes getting bigger as I got closer and closer. My lips were almost on Carmen’s.

 

But then I paused. She was too beautiful. Too pure. I wasn’t going to corrupt her. This was her father’s idea, and I’d agreed to it for the sake of my men, but the words I’d just spoken were as far as it went. We were married in name only. Nothing else.

 

Just before my lips touched her mouth, I turned slightly and pressed them against her cheek instead. Quickly, roughly, then I pulled away.

 

“We’re done here,” I murmured, half to myself and half to Carmen and the rest of the people in the church. “Time to go.”

 

I walked off the altar without waiting to see if she would follow.